NSFW Gallows Humor (Please share dark jokes) 😂🤣😅

[darksouls]

 

[Skallagrim]

 

[darksouls]

 

[Sinful]

TFW you read or listen to current news

 

[maniac116]

 

[darksouls]

 

[Sinful]

 

[darksouls]

 

[maniac116]

Two best friends and lifelong baseball fans make the same deal: Whomever dies first comes back to let the other know if there's baseball in heaven.

One dies, and a week later his spirit comes to visit.

Good news: There is baseball in heaven.

Bad news: you're up to bat this Friday.

 

[darksouls]

 

[Sinful]

 

[darksouls]

 

[maniac116]

1. You're not completely useless. You can always serve as a bad example...
2. Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies....
3. What's the difference between a hipster and a hockey player?
   A hockey player showers.
4. Patient: "Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
   Doctor: "To the morgue."
   Patient: "What? But I'm not dead yet!"
   Doctor: "And we're not there yet."

 

[darksouls]

 

[maniac116]

How to decide on open vs closed casket...

I want a closed casket funeral.
At the end of the service, the organist should energetically play "Pop Goes the Weasel" over and over until everyone is staring at my coffin in silent, horrified anticipation...

 

[darksouls]

 

[maniac116]

On his deathbed, an old Jewish man says to his wife...
"Oh, Sarah, when the shop burned down you were right beside me, no?"
"Sure I was, Moshe."
"When the Nazis drove us out of our beloved Deutschland you were beside me again, no?"
"I was, Moshe."
"And now you're at my deathbed, aren't you?"
"I am, darling."
"I'm starting to think you're bad luck, Sarah."

 

[darksouls]

 

[maniac116]

1) A father looks at his teenage son & says "James, I have something to tell you.
You were adopted James"
James jumps up, "Adopted! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"
Father laughs, "No no, James, we are your biological parents...
But you need to get packing, your new parents will be here in an hour."

2) Hitler wasn't all bad ..
He did kill Hitler after all...

 

[darksouls]

 

[Skallagrim]

 

[maniac116]

An old man named Bill is at home on his death bed...

When suddenly he smells something amazing. It's the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
With his last bit of strength, he gets out of bed, and he goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. And they are on a plate of four of them, just out of the oven.
With his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies, and his wife sees him, she rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, "No Bill, those are for the funeral."

 

[darksouls]

 

[The Morningstar]

View attachment 179564

View attachment Yeah, I have OCD.mp4

 

[darksouls]

 

[maniac116]

At the boss' funeral...
A disgruntled employee kneeled next to the coffin and whispered, "Who's thinking outside the box now, Gary?"

 

[darksouls]

 

[maniac116]

1) What's the first thing you should do if you see an epileptic having a seizure in the bathtub?...
...Throw in your dirty laundry.

2) Say what you will about pedophiles...
...At least they drive slowly through school zones.

 

[maniac116]

"You know the difference between a boner and a bonus?
Your wife will always blow your bonus."

 

[maniac116]

1. What's the difference between "incomplete " and "finished"? A man without a wife feels incomplete. Once he's married, he's finished...
2. Wife: I love you. Husband: Is that you or the wine talking? Wife: It's me talking...To the wine....
3. What's the difference between love and marriage? Love is blind. Marriage is eye-opening.