maniac116
My own worst enemy🌹💔
- Aug 10, 2024
- 1,821
amerie
eyekon
- Oct 6, 2024
- 932
amerie
eyekon
- Oct 6, 2024
- 932
maniac116
My own worst enemy🌹💔
- Aug 10, 2024
- 1,821
A Londoner, a Parisian and a New Yorker get captured by cannibals…
The cannibals are pretty pissed off because these guys have just wandered into their territory without asking permission. So the cannibals tell them, "We're going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to make a canoe out of your skins. But just because we're in a good mood today will let you choose how you want to die."
The Londoner says, "Well I guess hanging is the easiest way to go." So the cannibals whip up a gallows, and stick his head in the noose. He calls out "God save the queen!", they pull the handle and he falls down through the trap door. Thunk! He's dead.
Next the Parisian says, "Guillotine for me, of course!" The cannibals get to work, assemble a crude but functional guillotine, stick his head in there, he calls out, "Vivre la France! " and chop! Off with his head.
They turn to the New Yorker and ask, "Well, what's it going to be?"
"Bring me a fork," he says.
So they bring him a fork. He takes it and starts stabbing himself all over with it. He's lying there on the ground with blood pouring out of him, and the cannibals say, "What the hell? What a horrible way to die! Are you crazy?"
With his last breath the New Yorker replies, "So much for your god damn canoe!".
The cannibals are pretty pissed off because these guys have just wandered into their territory without asking permission. So the cannibals tell them, "We're going to kill you, we're going to eat you, and we're going to make a canoe out of your skins. But just because we're in a good mood today will let you choose how you want to die."
The Londoner says, "Well I guess hanging is the easiest way to go." So the cannibals whip up a gallows, and stick his head in the noose. He calls out "God save the queen!", they pull the handle and he falls down through the trap door. Thunk! He's dead.
Next the Parisian says, "Guillotine for me, of course!" The cannibals get to work, assemble a crude but functional guillotine, stick his head in there, he calls out, "Vivre la France! " and chop! Off with his head.
They turn to the New Yorker and ask, "Well, what's it going to be?"
"Bring me a fork," he says.
So they bring him a fork. He takes it and starts stabbing himself all over with it. He's lying there on the ground with blood pouring out of him, and the cannibals say, "What the hell? What a horrible way to die! Are you crazy?"
With his last breath the New Yorker replies, "So much for your god damn canoe!".
The Morningstar
Be absolute. Be yourself, until you bleed.
- May 4, 2025
- 644
A little girl asked her mother, "Mommy, am I going to live happily ever after?"
To which the mother replied, "No, dear: we exist in a Gallows Humor thread post."
They were then both promptly murdered by the father.
To which the mother replied, "No, dear: we exist in a Gallows Humor thread post."
They were then both promptly murdered by the father.
maniac116
My own worst enemy🌹💔
- Aug 10, 2024
- 1,821
Skallagrim
Member
- Apr 14, 2022
- 98
bankai
Visionary
- Mar 16, 2025
- 2,350
So I need to get something off my chest. Yesterday I was driving my car. I ended up hitting a kid at 120mph.
But it was nothing too serious.
But it was nothing too serious.
No one saw me
GlassMoon
╠═···⢄⠔⠑⢄⠔⠑···═╣ · 🌜 👻 🌛
- Nov 18, 2024
- 356
This isn't really a joke, but anyway... I set up a new Android phone and there's a "Samsung KMS agent" installed. No idea what it does... 
maniac116
My own worst enemy🌹💔
- Aug 10, 2024
- 1,821
maniac116
My own worst enemy🌹💔
- Aug 10, 2024
- 1,821
When I was interviewed for a job...
I was told I would start at $2,000 a month, and then after six months, I'd get $2,500 a month. I told her I would start in six months.
I was told I would start at $2,000 a month, and then after six months, I'd get $2,500 a month. I told her I would start in six months.
maniac116
My own worst enemy🌹💔
- Aug 10, 2024
- 1,821
Three men are stranded on a deserted island when they come across a tribe of cannibals...
The leader of the tribe walks up to them and says, "If each of you collects 10 fruit and brings them back, we won't eat you".
The three men run off into the forest and the first man comes back with 10 apples. The leader says, "Now stuff them all up your ass without stopping or laughing, otherwise we'll eat you".
The man tries, but he can't manage all 10, so the tribe eats him. Soon after, the second man comes back with 10 berries and is told the same thing.
He gets to 9 berries, then bursts out laughing. The tribe eats him. In Heaven, he meets the first man, who exclaims, "Why did you laugh? Just one more berry and you would have been safe!"
The second man says, "Well, I was almost there, then I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples!".
The leader of the tribe walks up to them and says, "If each of you collects 10 fruit and brings them back, we won't eat you".
The three men run off into the forest and the first man comes back with 10 apples. The leader says, "Now stuff them all up your ass without stopping or laughing, otherwise we'll eat you".
The man tries, but he can't manage all 10, so the tribe eats him. Soon after, the second man comes back with 10 berries and is told the same thing.
He gets to 9 berries, then bursts out laughing. The tribe eats him. In Heaven, he meets the first man, who exclaims, "Why did you laugh? Just one more berry and you would have been safe!"
The second man says, "Well, I was almost there, then I saw the last guy coming back with pineapples!".
how many baby's do you need to paint a wall?
depends how hard you throw them
amerie
eyekon
- Oct 6, 2024
- 932
maniac116
My own worst enemy🌹💔
- Aug 10, 2024
- 1,821
- I was going to tell a dead baby joke, but I decided to abort it...
- I have a fear of elevators. I'm taking steps to avoid it...
- I used to have a handle on life, but then it broke.
The Morningstar
Be absolute. Be yourself, until you bleed.
- May 4, 2025
- 644
I knew this woman who had no sense of humor whatsoever.
So one day, I got sick of her attitude and said, "Do you even have a funny bone aywhere in your body?"
And she said, "If I wanted a funny bone in me, I'd just fuck a clown like you!"
So one day, I got sick of her attitude and said, "Do you even have a funny bone aywhere in your body?"
And she said, "If I wanted a funny bone in me, I'd just fuck a clown like you!"
maniac116
My own worst enemy🌹💔
- Aug 10, 2024
- 1,821
Bob rings the doorbell at his friend Mark's house. Mark's wife, Michelle, opens the door, wearing nothing but a bathrobe...
Bob says, "If I give you $500, will you drop your bathrobe?"
Shocked, Michelle refuses.
"What about $1,000?"
Michelle thinks for a moment, then drops her bathrobe. Bob hands her $1,000 and leaves.
She puts her bathrobe back on and heads upstairs. She tells Mark that Bob was at the door, but he's left.
"He did say he was going to stop by," says Mark. "By the way, did he give you the $1,000 he owes me?"
Bob says, "If I give you $500, will you drop your bathrobe?"
Shocked, Michelle refuses.
"What about $1,000?"
Michelle thinks for a moment, then drops her bathrobe. Bob hands her $1,000 and leaves.
She puts her bathrobe back on and heads upstairs. She tells Mark that Bob was at the door, but he's left.
"He did say he was going to stop by," says Mark. "By the way, did he give you the $1,000 he owes me?"
Skallagrim
Member
- Apr 14, 2022
- 98
maniac116
My own worst enemy🌹💔
- Aug 10, 2024
- 1,821
1) What's the difference between a hipster and a football player? A football player showers.
2) I made a website for orphans. It doesn't have a home page.
3) The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
4) Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he's dead.
2) I made a website for orphans. It doesn't have a home page.
3) The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.
4) Why can't Michael Jackson go within 500 meters of a school? Because he's dead.
World record holder for going down this mountain was a blind man, it only took him 50 seconds to get to the bottom of it.
maniac116
My own worst enemy🌹💔
- Aug 10, 2024
- 1,821
Johnny was sitting in math class one day when his teacher called on him to answer a question...
She asked,
"If there were five birds sitting on a fence and you fired a gun at one of them, how many would be left?"
"None," Johnny replied, "because the others would all fly away".
"The answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like your way of thinking".
"Now I have a question for you," said Johnny. "Three women are sitting in an ice cream parlor. One is looking at her ice cream, one is biting hers, and the third is licking it. Which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the third one".
"It's the one wearing the wedding ring," Johnny replies, "but I like your way of thinking!"
She asked,
"If there were five birds sitting on a fence and you fired a gun at one of them, how many would be left?"
"None," Johnny replied, "because the others would all fly away".
"The answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like your way of thinking".
"Now I have a question for you," said Johnny. "Three women are sitting in an ice cream parlor. One is looking at her ice cream, one is biting hers, and the third is licking it. Which one is married?"
"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the third one".
"It's the one wearing the wedding ring," Johnny replies, "but I like your way of thinking!"
The Morningstar
Be absolute. Be yourself, until you bleed.
- May 4, 2025
- 644
There's been this..."MEME"...going around about The President being "dead." And people are laughing about it! They find this funny! They are enjoying the idea of this man being dead!!!
WELL, I AM NOT, IN FACT, ENJOYING THIS!!!!!!
...because I have anhedonia.
WELL, I AM NOT, IN FACT, ENJOYING THIS!!!!!!
...because I have anhedonia.
darksouls
Enlightened
- May 10, 2025
- 1,373
maniac116
My own worst enemy🌹💔
- Aug 10, 2024
- 1,821
1) Cremation is my last chance for a smokin hot body...
2) Why dont skeletons fight?
They don't have the guts..
3) When I die I want my last words to be "I left a lot of money in the..."
2) Why dont skeletons fight?
They don't have the guts..
3) When I die I want my last words to be "I left a lot of money in the..."
darksouls
Enlightened
- May 10, 2025
- 1,373
maniac116
My own worst enemy🌹💔
- Aug 10, 2024
- 1,821
darksouls
Enlightened
- May 10, 2025
- 1,373
maniac116
My own worst enemy🌹💔
- Aug 10, 2024
- 1,821
A suicidal man had had enough of his misery and chose to jump off his balcony...
He stepped out onto the balcony and gripped the railing, looking up to the sky for a sign. Something catches his attention in the corner of his eye. He lowers his sight and notices his armless neighbor, who lives in the building across the street, dancing and raving despite the lack of music.
Baffled by this, he yells to the neighbor, "Hey you!"
"What?!" asks the neighbor.
"How come you're dancing and raving and having a blast?
"What are you talking about!?"
"No for real, I'm about to take my life, all limbs intact and you're armless dancing around? How come?"
"Mate, I don't know what you're on but I've been trying to scratch my ass the last 20 minutes."
He stepped out onto the balcony and gripped the railing, looking up to the sky for a sign. Something catches his attention in the corner of his eye. He lowers his sight and notices his armless neighbor, who lives in the building across the street, dancing and raving despite the lack of music.
Baffled by this, he yells to the neighbor, "Hey you!"
"What?!" asks the neighbor.
"How come you're dancing and raving and having a blast?
"What are you talking about!?"
"No for real, I'm about to take my life, all limbs intact and you're armless dancing around? How come?"
"Mate, I don't know what you're on but I've been trying to scratch my ass the last 20 minutes."
darksouls
Enlightened
- May 10, 2025
- 1,373
maniac116
My own worst enemy🌹💔
- Aug 10, 2024
- 1,821
A walrus takes his car to the mechanic...
The mechanic needs an hour to work out what the problem is, so he tells the walrus to go somewhere and come back later.
The walrus decides to head into the nearest ice cream parlor and get a dessert.
But he struggles to eat without hands and get ice cream all down himself. After an hour, the walrus heads back to the mechanic's shop to find out what's wrong with his car. As soon as he walks in, the mechanic says, "It looks like you've just blown a seal". The walrus replies, "No, it's just ice cream".
The mechanic needs an hour to work out what the problem is, so he tells the walrus to go somewhere and come back later.
The walrus decides to head into the nearest ice cream parlor and get a dessert.
But he struggles to eat without hands and get ice cream all down himself. After an hour, the walrus heads back to the mechanic's shop to find out what's wrong with his car. As soon as he walks in, the mechanic says, "It looks like you've just blown a seal". The walrus replies, "No, it's just ice cream".
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