Venting I am an evil incel. Why can’t people understand?

[melancholymallory03]

I don't mean for this to sound insensitive but have you thought about getting an escort?

I was literally going to comment this , for practice reasons , and in this economy I really don't judge what others are doing for money as long as they aren't hurting someone else against there will.

 

[Install-Gentoo]

In case you haven't seen my last status, which to be fair, why would you? On Monday I had a full-on panic attack during my shift at work. The girl I have a crush on wasn't working that day but she was there all the same, shopping with another man. I didn't get time to check if this man was actually cucking me or not but it doesn't matter because of the way she looked at me when she saw me. She looked kind of terrified to see me because she immediately turned away instead of even acknowledging or trying to greet me. That was all she needed to do. I think it's well and truly over. I think September might be too late. I really want to CTB sooner while the despair is still icy hot but I still need to prepare some more.

Now I know what you might be thinking, "so what? Just move on, idiot." Well guess what? I don't want to. I give up on life but I will not give up on her because I feel like this is a good reminder of why I need to die in the first place. She clearly hates me and the second I foolishly move on to someone else is the moment I set my heart up to just get broken again. I feel like even if I did manage to find someone at this point I'm carrying so much anger and trauma from my previous rejections that whoever is stupid enough to give me a chance is in for a rude awakening. I fear I will become like my father where all I can do is solve my issues with yelling and violence. I wish he had killed himself but he never would. The only way I can move forward is to move away from living.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I'm so pathetic that I had a real life or death panic attack just because I got implicitly rejected. I'm such a cowardly spineless disgusting little creep for placing all my self worth into someone who must know how evil I am and that's why she doesn't like me. There's people here suffering from real problems and here I am being this affected by something as mundane and pathetic as this. Even other incels face genuine issues with having a lack of height or friends. I'm six feet tall and have lots of friends and yet I still managed to fuck up so badly that I'm a 30 year old kissless, dateless virgin. I'm so sorry I have all this power and yet I've done nothing but waste it on my own fears. I have so many things that so many others here want to kill themselves for not being able to have and yet I can't make anything out of it. I can't make a life worth living all I can make is more misery and suffering for the poor females I eventually come to feel attraction for.

I'm so sorry and it's just not enough. The longer I'm allowed to continue to live the more I'll potentially ruin their lives by having me be attracted to them.

I truly feel the only way I can prevent further pain is by CTB. It's the only comfort I have left. I don't care if my family and friends don't want me to. I don't care about their feelings. If anything, I laugh at the fact they were tricked by someone as stupid as me into caring. None of them even actually want to help me in a way that actually makes sense to me. All I get told is the same cliche stupid platitudes like how I'm not an incel, I'm not evil, I can find someone. Shut up already! Why the fuck would I not be an incel if I made it this long as a virgin? They then say that 30 isn't that old. YES. IT. IS. Be fucking for serious. If I was someone they didn't know or someone they disagree with of course they'd believe that a 30 year old virgin is pathetic. Why am I so special? I'm not! I'm not special and that's why my death should mean nothing to them!

I have two more days off of work before I see her next but I don't expect things will get any better anytime soon. If you're still here, thanks for seeing this shitty rant I guess. It's not like it means anything. I just wanted to occupy some space and maybe grab some attention. I don't know. I want love so bad but I know I don't deserve it. I know that even if I move on I'll never fully be over this current interest and that's no fair to whoever comes next. My panic attack was related to me hurting people around me. I almost injured someone with the cart I was pushing because I was so distracted.

Bro.
I know this is gonna sound dumb, but hit the gym, hit the shower, and start doing DIY crafting like pottery, wood carving, beer brewing, gardening, anything that makes a physical tangible result. Before you can make progress with humans, you should make progress with inanimate things and prove to yourself that you're capable of success in something.
It's not a miracle cure but it'll offset the stress of rejection and it'll allow you to focus on something else. If anything, it will stimulate your mind to think about ways to interact positively with people.
Don't take your anger out on coworkers or women or yourself, because that only makes it worse.

Of course you can kill yourself, but I think it's still possible to attempt other ways of reaching your goals.

Of the various hobbies I mentioned, pottery and brewing might be the easiest and cheapest to start with. Brewing only requires sealable containers, a sugar source, and yeast. Pottery literally requires two buckets and whatever dirt you can scoop up outdoors, since it's pretty easy to make clay on your own.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I don't understand what you mean when you talk about this "evilness" about you? Like what traits do you? Or maybe that's too private. Do you have any diagnoses that you know of? Or willing to share? Boundaries seem to be an issue for you correct? You have to take all of this overthinking asay and simplify if. Break it down. I'm a big question asker and it frustrates guys. You're going to have to be open at some point and not be so afraid. Have to be willing to fall on your face and accept rejection and then learn that you won't die from it. People want people all the time who don't want them, and it's hard to accept. But if it's any consolation, they just don't or aren't able to understand you and appreciate you as a person and what you have to offer. So you let them go find someone who they think they has what they want and they will miss out on someone they could have fun with and treat them well. Also if you can set aside infatuation and obsession (which both are just not healthy and not real relationships so you want to stick to the facts so you dont only see girls with rose-colored glasses) and get to know her enough, you'll find things that don't mesh with you and that you can't accept and it'll make it easier to move on. Have you seen the Netlfix series called "You"? People romanticize him and like him because he has good intentions, but lacks boundaries and can't manage a balanced love, only an obsessive love, even a one-sided love. Maybe you should watch that and see if you identify.

Lurking within, that which you'd rather not rreveal to even us? let alone ber?
All you can do is be honest and ask her questions. If you're not sure of something, ask. That's pretty much all you can do other than what you've already been doing. Girls appreciate honesty. They say when dating, it takes 3mo to see who that person truly is. There's some truth to that. Because we put on our best selves to impress and be liked but we cant hold up that front forever, so that's people let go and loosen up and conflict can arise. Since you're so inexperienced you might as well be confident when you talk about being inexperienced and let hang out so to speak. Do you have any female in person friends that you like platonically? If you could get some practice in with talking to girls one-on-one you'd get some practice in and be more comfortable in general and better suited to hit up your crush.

Well I've admitted before that I actually harbor Hatred for people from the nation that one of the previous girls I've liked left me for. This isn't a common country you see on the news and I don't make it known WHICH group I'm against because I don't want to get banned from here over it. I know my feelings are basically racism but so many people dismiss my racism and say it isn't that bad just because the group I hate isn't something that racists commonly dislike. My own therapist even told me I'm not actually racist as if it was possible to not be an evil person after admitting to them that I want to see their whole country wiped off the planet and I see their entire group as another species. If I had these feelings for African American, Latinx, Native American, Desi, Jewish, or even French people then people would rightfully dismiss me as the cruel bigot that I am but because none of these groups are the ones I hate they see it as a non issue.

I've also had more stereotypical violent incel fantasies about going postal, blowing up some areas suicide bomber style, etc. I don't do it because I don't have the means and I'm too lazy/cowardly but it still doesn't make it okay.

I have not seen that show but maybe I'll check it out. If you can believe it, I actually do have some female friends. They sometimes start out as friends' girlfriends or they're just friends of other friends. Even for male friends I've never had to approach anyone. Many people naturally want to be my friend for some reason but I can't fathom why.

I am sorry, the reason you are going through all this is because you are defining your self worth by your capacity to evoke sexual interest from women in general and this woman in particular. I just wish you'd see that there is so much more to this world than just sex..

Generally in my experience women who are worth being around tend to appreciate people who are well read, knowledgeable and cultured and have good values.. I wish you'd at least know and realize why you are being rejected.

Can you imagine yourself in the shoes of a woman? Just close your eyes and think you are a woman. Now what would you want from a man? Would you be attracted to yourself in that case. If not why? If you try to become well read, knowledgeable, cultured etc.. with the goal of landing a woman, you'll surely get frustrated cause those things take time I'd say at least 5 to 10 years.

I feel your main problem may be coming from sexual frustration possibly having a distorted outlook on women that's influenced by heavy porn consumption and having expectations that don't conform to reality. I think the answer would be to accept your situation and walk away from all worldly desires mainly sex and food at least for a short while at least about 3 to 4 months. The sex and food could be getting your hormone levels (dopamine,testosterone) out of whack and could be distorting your thinking. You need to completely walk away and detox for a while to be able to think calmly again.

Spend lots of time in nature, listen to slow soothing music, meditate, watch art cinema. There are so many great books you can read from literature and philosophy. I fell in love with Somerset Maugham's short stories as a child. I am sure you'll love them and I'd urge you to read nicomachean ethics by Aristotle if you want to sort your life out and understand why you are going through what you are going through.

You make a lot of assumptions about me but I suppose that's due to the incel term spawning all these negative assumptions which I can't avoid.

If I were a woman and I were to look at myself of course I would say this man is an evil twisted psychotic narcissist who deserves to be cast into the pits of hell itself. No woman or even person should ever want to go near him and yet so many people do for some reason.

I don't actually watch that much porn. I only try to masturbate once a day if I can and even then usually I just use literature or audio instead of hardcore live action movies.

Nah ur cooked guy. People with enough self awareness don't post it online, and that's the problem. People who we might trust in the long run, after learning about themselves might turn into complete unbearable cunts. We all suffer the consequences of this process and the best interests of the majority would just to ignore them. Play their game = loose their game. And that's enough said about these sick fucks.

Is this to say that my self awareness is the crux of the problem here? That's definitely a possibility.

hey buddy!!
I might not be the best person at giving advice (and I know it's a bit late) but here we go
First of all, you are suffering a real problem, if it's making you doubt your self-worth, wanting to give up on life and making you feel horrible stuff like panic attacks then it is a real problem.
I just want you to think about that, ponder about what you're feeling. I know it might be hard, as it hurts, because our natural response as humans is to flee from pain and go towards what makes us feel good.
It will hurt, heck it will hurt a lot, but once you've realized what you're feeling (especially from a third person view) you will be able to judge what's best for you right know.
And even if you say "well I've done this before and I think the same way I was thinking before" it's okay, try again, it's hard to get it right from the first time.
I just want you to know that what you're feeling is a real problem and it's completely normal to feel what you're feeling in this situation.
I'm going to tell what I've experienced from the other side of the coin.
I had a friend in sixth grade that had a crush on me, he asked me out about 3 times I guess? But I didn't feel the same, it wasn't because of his physical appearance or personality, no no no no I loved his personality, he was my best friend!
And still I rejected him, why? I just didn't feel the same.
It's not anyone's fault, especially not his and it's also not your fault.
People like people and other people dislike other people and there's nothing you can do about it.
The whole "looksmaxx" or other "maxxing" don't really exist in my opinion.
Some people are friends, others are couples and others are nothing, and that's okay.
Imagined if everyone in the world was your friend, if everyone was your lover. It would be a mess!! You wouldn't find time to be with everyone and they would get sad because of that.
And now is the time you say "but I just want one person, not everyone, why can't I have one??"
And I ask the same question to myself everyday, even tho I rejected my friend there doesn't mean it was because I liked someone else, or someone else liked me, nononono.
If you knew me in real life you would know that I have *zero* competition.
But in the end, it was I that rejected him, if hadn't, maybe I wouldn't be single today.
But what's the point, what's the point of dating someone who's not compatible with you romantically?
Just to fulfill the need of affection? Maybe
But it wouldn't be truly fulfilling, it wouldn't.
You might think you and that girl were compatible but probably you weren't (because if you were, she wouldn't have turned away at the market)
And I know it's hard to hear that, I know. I'm going through the same right now, I have to tell myself that they do not like me the same way I like them, and it hurts, but we're not compatible (they do not like women)
All of that it's just to say: it's not necessarily your fault that she doesn't feel the same way okay?
It's fine, it's okay buddy, take your time and ponder about it, it'll take a while but eventually it'll feel better and I know that this advice socks and you're tired of listening/reading it but it's true, believe me it's true.
And I sure know that ctb looks like an amazing option right now, I feel the same too.
And yet I'm here, typing this to you and I'm going to use a phrase from jaiden animations:
"If you can't help yourself, help others" (not sure if that's exactly what she said lmao)
I know it's not good to only be alive to help others but, that's what I'm doing right now, to prevent me from ending myself.
I'm saying this because even though I think suicide is a good option for me, I couldn't ever say that to you. I could never tell you to die, never.
I would hate my self until eventually die if I told you to end yourself.
So please, ponder
I know this is hecking long, but please believe me
Try once more
Help others
If you can't help yourself.
best wishes my buddy <3

Help others with what exactly? My job does involve helping people like customers and other coworkers. I try to help my family when I can. I don't think it makes me worthy of love though. If I really do get rejected by her, I won't CTB just because of her. My CTB would be because I'm sick and tired of always being rejected by everyone. I'm not under the delusion that I'm entitled to anyone or that there's someone out there surgically crafted by the finest masterpiece artisans to be my perfect mate. I'd just CTB because it would make it clear once and for all that I'm simply physically incapable of making that connection with anyone no matter how much I want it.

Believe me, I understand not returning people's feelings. I've rejected plenty of guys who wanted to get with me because they thought I was gay but unfortunately I'm not even a little bi. It was nothing wrong with them. Perhaps whatever makes me so attractive to gay people happens to also be repelling women somehow. They should like a lot of the same things though so maybe not.

Bro.
I know this is gonna sound dumb, but hit the gym, hit the shower, and start doing DIY crafting like pottery, wood carving, beer brewing, gardening, anything that makes a physical tangible result. Before you can make progress with humans, you should make progress with inanimate things and prove to yourself that you're capable of success in something.
It's not a miracle cure but it'll offset the stress of rejection and it'll allow you to focus on something else. If anything, it will stimulate your mind to think about ways to interact positively with people.
Don't take your anger out on coworkers or women or yourself, because that only makes it worse.

Of course you can kill yourself, but I think it's still possible to attempt other ways of reaching your goals.

Of the various hobbies I mentioned, pottery and brewing might be the easiest and cheapest to start with. Brewing only requires sealable containers, a sugar source, and yeast. Pottery literally requires two buckets and whatever dirt you can scoop up outdoors, since it's pretty easy to make clay on your own.

I don't go to the gym because I get enough exercise at my job and I'd rather be paid to intentionally hurt myself than do it just to pretend it will make me feel good about myself. I've never felt the endorphin rush people claim to get after heavy workout sessions and the soreness never goes away no matter how long I've kept it up. Also are you implying I don't shower? I do that everyday.

I haven't tried pottery or brewing but I doubt those will help since I don't have much of an interest in getting my hands dirty in that way in my spare time.

I was literally going to comment this , for practice reasons , and in this economy I really don't judge what others are doing for money as long as they aren't hurting someone else against there will.

I think I answered why not already here but if I didn't then the main reason is because it's more about the intimacy or me plus I have awful luck when it comes to attempting illegal activities.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I apologize if my replies above seem scattered and snappy. I had just woken up and didn't feel like getting into some details enough. The truth is some of what's been said here has started to resonate me but it's making me uncomfortable and unlikely to change as a result. I'll report back here after tomorrow ends at least.

Edit: Shoutouts to whoever moved this thread to off topic. I understand why since the initial suicidality has been lost on me.

 

[Houkki6404]

Well I've admitted before that I actually harbor Hatred for people from the nation that one of the previous girls I've liked left me for. This isn't a common country you see on the news and I don't make it known WHICH group I'm against because I don't want to get banned from here over it. I know my feelings are basically racism but so many people dismiss my racism and say it isn't that bad just because the group I hate isn't something that racists commonly dislike. My own therapist even told me I'm not actually racist as if it was possible to not be an evil person after admitting to them that I want to see their whole country wiped off the planet and I see their entire group as another species. If I had these feelings for African American, Latinx, Native American, Desi, Jewish, or even French people then people would rightfully dismiss me as the cruel bigot that I am but because none of these groups are the ones I hate they see it as a non issue.

I've also had more stereotypical violent incel fantasies about going postal, blowing up some areas suicide bomber style, etc. I don't do it because I don't have the means and I'm too lazy/cowardly but it still doesn't make it okay.

I have not seen that show but maybe I'll check it out. If you can believe it, I actually do have some female friends. They sometimes start out as friends' girlfriends or they're just friends of other friends. Even for male friends I've never had to approach anyone. Many people naturally want to be my friend for some reason but I can't fathom why.


You make a lot of assumptions about me but I suppose that's due to the incel term spawning all these negative assumptions which I can't avoid.

If I were a woman and I were to look at myself of course I would say this man is an evil twisted psychotic narcissist who deserves to be cast into the pits of hell itself. No woman or even person should ever want to go near him and yet so many people do for some reason.

I don't actually watch that much porn. I only try to masturbate once a day if I can and even then usually I just use literature or audio instead of hardcore live action movies.


Is this to say that my self awareness is the crux of the problem here? That's definitely a possibility.

Help others with what exactly? My job does involve helping people like customers and other coworkers. I try to help my family when I can. I don't think it makes me worthy of love though. If I really do get rejected by her, I won't CTB just because of her. My CTB would be because I'm sick and tired of always being rejected by everyone. I'm not under the delusion that I'm entitled to anyone or that there's someone out there surgically crafted by the finest masterpiece artisans to be my perfect mate. I'd just CTB because it would make it clear once and for all that I'm simply physically incapable of making that connection with anyone no matter how much I want it.

Believe me, I understand not returning people's feelings. I've rejected plenty of guys who wanted to get with me because they thought I was gay but unfortunately I'm not even a little bi. It was nothing wrong with them. Perhaps whatever makes me so attractive to gay people happens to also be repelling women somehow. They should like a lot of the same things though so maybe not.


I don't go to the gym because I get enough exercise at my job and I'd rather be paid to intentionally hurt myself than do it just to pretend it will make me feel good about myself. I've never felt the endorphin rush people claim to get after heavy workout sessions and the soreness never goes away no matter how long I've kept it up. Also are you implying I don't shower? I do that everyday.

I haven't tried pottery or brewing but I doubt those will help since I don't have much of an interest in getting my hands dirty in that way in my spare time.

I think I answered why not already here but if I didn't then the main reason is because it's more about the intimacy or me plus I have awful luck when it comes to attempting illegal activities.

What I meant by helping others was to talk about this topic with other people ya know? People that don't have anyone to talk to and have to vent in this forum as an example.
It's good that you have that mentality of not thinking you're entitled to have someone, it's genuinely good!
And about being rejected by everyone, from what I just read, it seems you're getting rejected by the people you find attractive or want to bond with. I know that sucks ass, I know buddy. I won't tell you to lower your standards or to be with anyone who finds you attractive nononono. If you get the chance to talk to the people that have found you attractive, genuinely ask why they think of you this way. I know this seems weird, but if they like you they'll be honest!! I'm not saying to value yourself because of other people. I'm saying that if they saw something in you that they found attractive, that means you probably are!! And you should value those things and also the things that they didn't tell you that they found attractive, I promise you, it feels good.
Of course, it won't last forever, but you could try! It just takes a bit of time and effort, but you'll feel good :)
And I know I'm just chatting with you a little bit but you don't seem like a bad person at all!! And I doubt that every fucking woman in the world will reject you. Do you seriously think that the 4 billion women all decided that they don't like you because so? Maybe I said it too harshly and it wasn't my intention. But really bro, think about it. There are 4 billion or us out there, you'll probably find someone who's compatible with you okay?? (Saying this to see if maybe I can believe in too, I'm not joking, it's hard but I'm tryin!!)
Good luck buddy, cause you deserve someone who cares for you, you're no burden, you're not physically incapable.
You're a human being, remind yourself about it from time to time.
:D

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

What I meant by helping others was to talk about this topic with other people ya know? People that don't have anyone to talk to and have to vent in this forum as an example.
It's good that you have that mentality of not thinking you're entitled to have someone, it's genuinely good!
And about being rejected by everyone, from what I just read, it seems you're getting rejected by the people you find attractive or want to bond with. I know that sucks ass, I know buddy. I won't tell you to lower your standards or to be with anyone who finds you attractive nononono. If you get the chance to talk to the people that have found you attractive, genuinely ask why they think of you this way. I know this seems weird, but if they like you they'll be honest!! I'm not saying to value yourself because of other people. I'm saying that if they saw something in you that they found attractive, that means you probably are!! And you should value those things and also the things that they didn't tell you that they found attractive, I promise you, it feels good.
Of course, it won't last forever, but you could try! It just takes a bit of time and effort, but you'll feel good :)
And I know I'm just chatting with you a little bit but you don't seem like a bad person at all!! And I doubt that every fucking woman in the world will reject you. Do you seriously think that the 4 billion women all decided that they don't like you because so? Maybe I said it too harshly and it wasn't my intention. But really bro, think about it. There are 4 billion or us out there, you'll probably find someone who's compatible with you okay?? (Saying this to see if maybe I can believe in too, I'm not joking, it's hard but I'm tryin!!)
Good luck buddy, cause you deserve someone who cares for you, you're no burden, you're not physically incapable.
You're a human being, remind yourself about it from time to time.
:D

I feel like people have only liked me because I'm tall and nice but these traits alone are only surface-level. There's nothing else to like about who I am as a person. Even my "niceness" is borne out of fear of conflict and not genuine empathy or warmth. Also you know what they say about Nice Guys. One of the few women who liked me that I actually liked back said that I was actually too good for her. I wish I could have shown her that that just wasn't true.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Well she seems to not hate me which is at least good for my sanity. Once again I was too cowardly to actually say anything definitive but I guess if she seems happy to have me around that's good enough for me for now.