"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[sadwriter]

The rest of my weekend was good, though also exhausting. The trip back yesterday was long, but I got to my parents' place just fine. I've been a bit more anxious today, but it's not excruciating or anything. I'm continuing to take things one day at a time. Thank you for asking!

How are you, @HighFlight? I hope you're feeling a little less overwhelmed.

Best wishes to everyone else as well!

 

[UsagiDrop]

@UsagiDrop, how did your week go? It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now, but I'm wishing you all the best.

Thank you for the well wishes, and also for asking. I had an objectively decent week last week but I'm not doing really well right now. I got invited to a friendsgiving get together and went even though I didn't want to. I don't regret it, I had a decent time, but when I'm out with others now, I feel so disconnected from them. It's weird talking to people, I don't really feel like a human anymore.

I'm trying to limit how much I visit here because I really want to die. And I have to admit that now that I'm sorting out getting married, I'm back to planning and heavy ideation. I'm having a lot of trouble seeing a point to my living, it doesn't make sense to continue to have an experience that I'm hating with everything inside of me just for others and it's really exhausting. I've been waiting for things to "get better" but even when they do, I'm not happy. I'm also really worried that I will be working at this job forever, nobody else wants to hire me and since I didn't finish university I'm worthless to any other job that doesn't involve me in a servant position. Which there is nothing wrong with, but it's really depressing for me.

I kind of feel like I'm broken and recovering feels farther and farther away. But it could just be because it's the beginning of the month and December. I always hate this month. Everyone is always seemingly happy and ready to celebrate with their loved ones. I don't even get to celebrate with my family because I'm far away and I can't travel home, disappointing my parents like that has also been weighing on me. People are now posting all of their accomplishments, all of the great things they're finding to do with my life, and my greatest accomplishment is not brutalizing or killing myself, as it is every other year.

I hope you guys have a better week this week and don't feel as hopeless as I do. I know I have other things to respond to but I'm not able to right now.

 

[HighFlight]

I'm so sorry, @UsagiDrop. I hadn't realized that you were struggling so much recently. Thank you for taking the time to let us (me) know, and for having the courage to share. You always were stronger than you gave yourself credit for.

I started to write a lengthy response, but decided I would spare you words you've already told yourself. You don't deserve to spend each day in pain, struggling with life, and feeling broken. However, ctb is just one possible solution but there may still be ways to turn the situation around.

It's OK to take a break from SaSu! Take all the time you need. Think about what your ideal future would look like, and the paths you can take to reach it. And it's ok to be selfish.

I sincerely hope that you will stop back and let us know your decision and how things are progressing. I will miss you, but fully support whatever decision you make.

 

[sadwriter]

I'm really sorry that you've been feeling so awful, @UsagiDrop (and also sorry that it took me so long to reply to you). I've been there in terms of feeling extremely disconnected from the people around you/ feeling not like a human when you're doing really badly. It's such an isolating feeling on top of already being depressed, that along with the whole December holidays vibe.

I understand why you wouldn't want to keep living given that you've largely just been doing it to be there for the people in your life. I know I probably sound like a broken record, but it's always been really notable how fully you show up for others in the thread even when you're feeling like shit yourself, and I know how exhausting it must be to give so much to others, from your personal life to your job, when you're in so much pain and have trouble being there in yourself that same way.

I don't want to give you any unsolicited advice right now or try to put a positive spin on things given how you've been feeling. But I will say that I'm glad you're recognizing the need to limit how much time you spend on the site, and also aware of the external seasonal factors that might be making you feel worse. If life truly doesn't feel like it's worth living no matter how much "better" things get, then I understand why you'd want to stop trying to keep going, but I sincerely hope that you're able to find some relief from the pain that you're in once the holiday season is over (or even sooner than that). (And if you'll allow a little bit of unsolicited advice after all, I would definitely suggest hanging on through the end of December at least given the fact that this time of year is especially rough for you.) @HighFlight is right that you don't deserve to feel this way, and that you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. I know that you're feeling broken, but I don't think you're any more broken than anyone else here– we all feel that way sometimes (or at least I know I do), but that doesn't mean that we actually are broken or less than human, as much as the feeling itself really does suck.

All that being said, I hope you're feeling a little better– or at least not worse– than you were when you last posted. Please do keep us posted on how you're doing whenever you're feeling up to it, even if it's only a couple of sentences. We're here for you and we're rooting for you <3


I also hope that everyone else on the thread is doing ok. It looks like things have kind of come to a standstill this week. On my end, I'm preparing to head back to my home city on Tuesday and stay there until after Christmas (with the hope that I'll go back for good some time in early/ mid January). I've been feeling a lot of sadness and exhaustion this week now that I'm getting further and further out of the dissociative state I've been in for the past however many weeks, but that's to be expected at this point for me.

 

[sadwriter]

I'm gonna double post to keep the thread going, lol. How's everyone doing?! @ColorlessTrees @Cloud Busting @LoiteringClouds @lita-lassi I feel like I haven't heard from y'all in a while, but I hope you're well!

I just joined a virtual zoom support group that's run by this woman who also created a trauma-related podcast that I listen to. I haven't been to a meeting yet– I'll probably go to my first one on Thursday– but I've been looking around the forum and it looks like everyone's really open and welcoming, so that's good news. I have to admit that the more peppy and positive vibe there doesn't hit quite the same as the dark-but-trudging-through-despite-it-all vibe of the recovery section of this forum. Hopefully I vibe with the actual live group.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

I'm gonna double post to keep the thread going, lol. How's everyone doing?! @ColorlessTrees @Cloud Busting @LoiteringClouds @lita-lassi I feel like I haven't heard from y'all in a while, but I hope you're well!

Hello,

Sorry for not checking in for so long. Now I'm basically a lurker
Recently my workload skyrocketed and I'm struggling to keep up with it. I've done a lot of overtime and had to cut time for exercise. I used to go to the gym every day, but now I work out once in every two days.
I'm also struggling emotionally because one of my online friend is now gone forever. I don't want to go into details, but they seemed to CTB.
They loved fitness so much. I want to continue working out until I cross the finish line of my life, so that I can honor them.

I magically found a meaning of my life. I think this is a tentative one, but it's okay - I can change it anytime, as long as I'm alive.

I'll never yield to any temptation -
I'll press on with determination!
Because I know muscles never lie -
I will never let their passion die!

Rest in peace, my compassionate friend -
I will fight until the bitter end.

 

[sadwriter]

I'm really sorry about your friend, @LoiteringClouds. It's great that you're able to draw meaning from grief in that way and use exercise as a way to honor them, though. I hope that it's healing for you. (Also, I still think that going to the gym every two days despite how busy work is is really impressive. I still haven't bothered to exercise in ages, even though I've been telling myself that I will for at least a couple of months!)


Update on my end, I had my first support group meeting and it was a positive experience for sure. I like the sense of humor of the group overall and I related to a lot of what people were saying. I honestly have some imposter syndrome because most people in the group seem to have worse family trauma than I do, but I'm reminding myself that it's all coming from the inside and externally I feel really welcomed. I'm gonna stick around and continue to see how it goes!

My trip home has otherwise been pretty tumultuous. Heat and gas are both out, and I was freezing for a good couple of days until my landlord brought me a space heater this evening. My morale is a bit better now that I'm finally less cold, though! The gas should be back on next week, and hopefully the radiators will be working by then as well.

 

[HighFlight]

I've started to respond to this thread everyday for the past week, but haven't been able to find the words to say. I'm sorry.

@LoiteringClouds - I'm sorry to hear about the friend. With all that's going on, it's great that you have found a way to continue your recovery. And doing so in a special way - by continuing theirs and your love of fitness.
@sadwriter- thank you for keeping this thread moving during the slow times. Hopefully, by now, you have some real heat. I'd be interested in hearing more about your support group. How'd you find them? How do they work? etc.
@UsagiDrop - i hope that things are improving for one. One step at a time / One day at a time.

and for everyone else we haven't heard from in a while... how are you doing? @ColorlessTrees, @Cloud Busting, @lita-lassi, @ijustwishtodie, @Alwaysdreaming, @D1byRam3n, @cactusflower, @RenaSrar, and everyone else.

Not much has changed for me. The groundhog day continues with no real end sight. Surrounded by a loving family, but feeling more isolated and lonely each day.

Wishing you all a peaceful holiday season.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I've started to respond to this thread everyday for the past week, but haven't been able to find the words to say. I'm sorry.

@LoiteringClouds - I'm sorry to hear about the friend. With all that's going on, it's great that you have found a way to continue your recovery. And doing so in a special way - by continuing theirs and your love of fitness.
@sadwriter- thank you for keeping this thread moving during the slow times. Hopefully, by now, you have some real heat. I'd be interested in hearing more about your support group. How'd you find them? How do they work? etc.
@UsagiDrop - i hope that things are improving for one. One step at a time / One day at a time.

and for everyone else we haven't heard from in a while... how are you doing? @ColorlessTrees, @Cloud Busting, @lita-lassi, @ijustwishtodie, @Alwaysdreaming, @D1byRam3n, @cactusflower, @RenaSrar, and everyone else.

Not much has changed for me. The groundhog day continues with no real end sight. Surrounded by a loving family, but feeling more isolated and lonely each day.

Wishing you all a peaceful holiday season.

Oh wow somebody actually remembered me. I'm shocked. I honestly forgot this thread existed. As for how I'm doing, I feel awful as usual

 

[sadwriter]

@HighFlight glad to see you back! (Though not glad that you're feeling increasingly isolated.) I'm happy to keep things going when they're slow, lol. I honestly didn't realize that this thread was providing me with such a sense of community until right around the time when it started dying down lately. The stuff I've been going through lately has really made me feel isolated from the people in my life, as seems to be true for most people in the thread. I'm glad to have this place to keep coming back to, with others who understand the mental health/ suicidality struggle firsthand.

Unfortunately I still do not have real heat, but the maintenance people are working on it. I'm going to ask my landlord for a reduction on my rent to cover the increased electric bill that I'm expecting because of the space heaters slash the general inconvenience of the whole experience. Honestly, as long as he's receptive to that I'll be fine with the whole thing. I've been warm enough with the space heaters, especially since there's been a bit of a heat wave the past couple days.

Regarding my support group, I found out about it because the creator of this one podcast that I listen to advertises it at the beginning of episodes. There's a monthly fee to join (it's formatted so that the "group" is on this webpage with a group chat, a place where the host can post updates and a calendar for meetings), but given that there are multiple groups per week I'd say it's worth it for me personally. Since it's over Zoom and the meeting I joined had more than twenty people in it, it was a bit less conversational than ideal because of how many members had their "hand raised" to share at any given point, but I thought that the pros of feeling welcome in the space and relating to a lot of what people were saying outweighed the cons. Apparently the small group I joined has a weekly meeting that has closer to five members per meeting, so I'm looking forward to checking that out.

I've heard all this stuff about how the best way to heal trauma is through connections and community yada yada yada, so I was hoping that being part of a group like that would make me feel less alone with my mental health stuff and help with my recovery. I definitely feel like an alien at this point after spending months away from society post-almost-CTB while also making difficult realizations about myself, so I'm doing whatever I can to try to convince myself that I'm not some sort of monster slash public menace and that I can relate to other people & vice versa :,)

Anyway, that's my shpeil for the day. I hope that everyone is hanging in there!

 

[Alwaysdreaming]

I've started to respond to this thread everyday for the past week, but haven't been able to find the words to say. I'm sorry.

@LoiteringClouds - I'm sorry to hear about the friend. With all that's going on, it's great that you have found a way to continue your recovery. And doing so in a special way - by continuing theirs and your love of fitness.
@sadwriter- thank you for keeping this thread moving during the slow times. Hopefully, by now, you have some real heat. I'd be interested in hearing more about your support group. How'd you find them? How do they work? etc.
@UsagiDrop - i hope that things are improving for one. One step at a time / One day at a time.

and for everyone else we haven't heard from in a while... how are you doing? @ColorlessTrees, @Cloud Busting, @lita-lassi, @ijustwishtodie, @Alwaysdreaming, @D1byRam3n, @cactusflower, @RenaSrar, and everyone else.

Not much has changed for me. The groundhog day continues with no real end sight. Surrounded by a loving family, but feeling more isolated and lonely each day.

Wishing you all a peaceful holiday season.

Thanks for asking kinda needed this. I've been struggling. Work has been exhausting, barely been making it financially and mentally. Haven't been up here because I've been so tired. Feeling extra low tonight. It's my birthday and I'm spending it by myself. Sucks I wasn't even able to buy myself a little something like I usually do. Doesn't help this month has been horrible in everyway with this week being extra stressful. It's kinda sad to say but I'm happier when I'm at work but with a coworker almost getting shocked (could have died since it was a high voltage line he cut) and then him accidentally forgetting to put something back and flooding this woman's house on the second floor, I am just completely burnt out at this point. I really hate December and the holidays just seems like bad luck really hits me hard this time of year. Trying to stay positive and keep pushing forward the best I can. Hope others are doing better than I am. If not just keep doing the best you can. Sometimes that's all we can do.

 

[HighFlight]

Hi @Alwaysdreaming, It sounds like you've been dealing with a lot, and I'm sorry to hear that things have been so challenging, especially today. Birthdays can be hard, and it's even harder when you're alone and stressed. Remember, it's okay to feel overwhelmed, and it's okay to take a step back when you need it. You're doing your best, and that's enough. You're not alone in this - we're all here in this group to support each other. Please know that you're valued and your feelings are valid. Take care of yourself, and if you ever need to talk or just vent, we're here for you.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

It's my birthday and I'm spending it by myself. Sucks I wasn't even able to buy myself a little something like I usually do. Doesn't help this month has been horrible in everyway with this week being extra stressful.

Hello and Happy Birthday @Alwaysdreaming,
I'm so sorry, on this special day,
You're so tired and feeling this way,
And nothing seems to be redeeming.

I hope you can have a bit of rest,
In order to keep doing your best.
May you find a little of relief,
And joy, even though it might be brief.

The pen is mightier than the sword.
I send my wishes, may it come true -
May no adversities destroy you,
And someday you gain a reward.

As @HighFlight said, you're not alone -
May despair be what we will dethrone!

---

Thank you for sharing, and I'm so sorry that you're having a really hard time now - your situation seems to be really exhausting. But I think you're successfully staying positive for now!
I hope your days will be bearable, and please take care

 

[Nymph]

Hi, is there a group or is it just this megathread? I'm confused

 

[HighFlight]

Hi @Nymph - it's kind of both. Anyone is welcome to post to the thread and share their feelings, struggles, venting or just a stream of consciousness. Everyone is welcome to respond to other's posts to provide support, thoughts, or guidance In a positive way.

There are a few of us that have been more active in the thread, which can give it kind of small group feel. But it is truly open to anyone who wants to participate.

I'm glad you found your way to this thread and hope that you will join in as you feel comfortable. And if you have any questions, feel free to reach out to me either here or via DM.

 

[sadwriter]

@Alwaysdreaming sorry to hear that you've been so burnt out... (but also happy late birthday!). I get being happier at work, and I don't think it sounds sad to say. I'm largely the same myself, since keeping busy usually helps me to feel less shitty. That situation with your coworker sounds incredibly stressful, though. What's your job, exactly? Are you an electrician? Either way, it sounds like you're dealing with really high stakes situations, which I imagine must be super exhausting. I hope that the rest of your work week was a little better and that you've been hanging in there since you posted! It seems like you're not the only one who's stressed out by December. Thankfully we only have another week left!!

@Nymph welcome to the thread!


Things have picked up for me since I last posted, and I spent today feeling SUPER burnt out from the increased social interactions I've been having the past few days. I haven't thought of myself as an introvert for a while, but I think that some of the mental health work I've been doing lately is helping me get in touch with how I'm actually feeling/ be more present & recognize how drained I can get around people (that combined with the fact that I'm finally re entering society after barely leaving the house for two months, lol.) I was supposed to go to a joint birthday brunch with some friends today but decided last night that I'd skip it because I was dying inside and needed to recuperate. I think I made the right decision, though.

Also, my landlord got pretty pissed when I asked for a rent reduction because of my heat not working. I guess I should have expected it, but the guy is normally so nice that it took me by surprise and kind of made me emotionally shut down for a bit (as I apparently do when people are mad at me), though I still managed to stand my ground. I'm on day 12 of nonfunctioning radiators, and if anything I don't think I've been assertive ENOUGH up until now, but alas... I'll see what happens when I talk to him again.

Best wishes to all! We're almost at the end of 2023!

 

[UsagiDrop]

I just have an update so I can't reply to people like how I would want to. I might not even end up posting this at all. (I wrote most of this earlier and I'm just going to post it.)

Life for me right now kind of feels like that meme where that pink thing tries to get out of its box only to immediately get punched back in and vow to never do that again, lol. I'm still having a really hard time and since it seems I can't handle anything I just don't think living is a smart choice for me. I feel defeated and weak and like I can't do anything and worst of all I think the people around me are getting sick of me as well. But I guess I'm not a really good judge of reality at the moment either.

I got four hours of sleep last night after drinking six beers, which doesn't even feel like a lot to me. It's 9am (10pm, now) and I actually want to drink some more sadly (and I did! I'm two drinks in), so my sobriety isn't going really well. (But today, I'm six days sober from cocaine, at least.)

I don't know if I can do this anymore, guys. But I'm going to try. The holidays are tough and I hope I can just stick it out to the new year. But to be completely candid, I've revised my plan. And I made a new one. A more convenient one. But I weighed the pros and cons and thought about the things I would have to do, the mess I would leave behind, and for now, it's still slightly more worth it to live. The gap diminishes by the day but I have to keep fighting.

I hope that you all are doing way better than I am! Happy holidays, if you guys celebrate.

 

[HighFlight]

Hello everyone,

Wishing for each of you to try to enjoy (or at least tolerate) this holiday season. I know it can be a stressful and lonely time of year, and definitely feel myself being pulled down emotionally. But this will pass over the next week or so, and we can start a brand new year. Hopefully with fresh insights and ideas on how to make the best of this thing called life.

@sadwriter, I can totally relate to how emotionally (and physically) exhausting extended social interactions can be. It's great that you can recognize this now, and are willing to stand-up for yourself and know when it's too much.

But I can't believe your landlord is giving you such a hard time. It sounded like a reasonable request. Although, trying to out myself in his shoes, I wonder if other tenants are hitting him up for the same thing. I could see where this would be frustrating for him, and maybe he took it out on you because . May if you try again, you could disarm him first by saying how thankful you are that he's working on the problem and that you understand how tough it's got to be for him. Then transition into how tough it's been for you... Another approach might be to ask him to pay the difference between your average electric bill from before and this month's bill.

tbh, I hope you don't need this advice and you actually have heat for Christmas. (Preferably without having to set the tree on fire. )

@UsagiDrop, I'm grateful that you took a moment to share your feelings with us. It's completely okay and normal to have moments where life feels incredibly challenging. Your struggles are valid, and I want you to know that we're here for you. You're not alone in this. It's good to hear that you're trying to stay strong and fight through this difficult time.

Based on this and previous posts, it seems like you might have too much going on at the same time. Maybe prioritize what's most critical for you, whether that's the alcohol, drugs, job, wedding, general mental health, etc. Instead of dealing with all of them at once, allow yourself some space to focus on one or two of them at a time. Put the others on the back burner for the moment.

Remember, your well-being is important, and you should always prioritize what feels right for you. I'll support you every step of the way, no matter what choices you make. Please reach out whenever you need to talk or vent. You have a community here that cares about you.

As for me, well nothing really changes... I've been trying to pull some special gifts together for the family, but it seems the harder I try, the more problems I run into. I'm the living example of "Murphy's Law" - if something can go wrong, it will.

On top of everything else, I cracked a crown on one of my teeth on Friday. Now have to deal with that while everyone is out for to holidays.

Please remember to be kind to yourself. We all have a wide variety of issues, but the one thing we have in common is that we have good and bad days. And I've found the best way to have a good (or less bad) day is to be kind and generous to yourself. #BeKindToYourself

 

[sadwriter]

Haven't gotten the chance to write my replies because of the chaos of the holidays, but just wanted to say merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates!! :) I hope you guys are hanging in there today <3 And really glad to hear from you again, UsagiDrop (despite the circumstances…)

 

[dustyrainbow]

Hi! I just wanted to hop on this thread, leave a reply and enable notifs! :)
I'm not sure about what I really want - but what I know is that I want to feel better and I'm looking for people who are going through a similar situation? Where it's not enough motivation, energy or whatever to actually recover, but also not giving up right now.

Tbh this year was the shittiest ever, even tho I finally have the life I always wanted? I just hope next year will be better - I don't believe in new year resolutions. But Monday as a beginning just seems perfect overall.
And when I thought so many times "I'm at my lowest" - it can't get any worse then, right? Or at least, not significantly?

Spending the last days of the year on vacation. Tomorrow (today) I plan to take a shower to feel a bit better. On Saturday maybe I go skiing? Sunday, New Years Eve... Maybe a video call with a good friend.
I don't like making big plans, I'm disappointing myself always in the end. So I just try to focus on the little things.

 

[HighFlight]

Hi @dustyrainbow, Welcome to the thread.

2023 hasn't been my best year either. I'm sorry you're having to go through all this. But I'm confused by your statement:

Tbh this year was the shittiest ever, even tho I finally have the life I always wanted?

If you feel comfortable, what is the life you always wanted, and now that you have it(?), why is this the shittiest year ever?

Yes, Monday brings us into the new year and hopefully some relief from pain and struggles of the past.

It's great that you're able to spend these last days of 2023 on vacation. I hope you're can have some fun, something to look forward to.

However, a major recurring theme in this thread is our ability to show kindness to each other but not to ourselves. Maybe in 2024, we can all try to give ourself the gift of kindness, forgiveness, and validation.

Wish you, and everyone else a pleasant weekend and a Happy New Year!

 

[dustyrainbow]

That's a good question and I'm confused by it as well. I try to put it into words.

In theory I have the life I always wanted: my own apartment, money to live, working on my education, hobbies, friends, supporting family?

But I can't tell why, in the end I felt very empty. It didn't fulfill me at all as I expected it would. In fact, I felt worse than before. I was dreaming my entire youth about a living situation like that and I believed everything would turn to the better?

Maybe I just hoped too much and ignored the part where I still have to work on myself. That mental illnesses just don't disappear if you want them to.
But it's still hard to be confronted with being ill, because now it feels like I don't have any reason to be still ill.

However, a major recurring theme in this thread is our ability to show kindness to each other but not to ourselves. Maybe in 2024, we can all try to give ourself the gift of kindness, forgiveness, and validation.

This is so true, unfortunately. I'm in contact with a woman I met at the psych ward. We're always rooting for each other, but when it comes to be more kind to ourselves? No chance.

Self validation is so important! I just ignore how I feel most of the time and when it crashes it's not "bad enough".
You can literally read it above "I don't have a reason to be ill".

I agree with you: let's try to be a little bit more kind to ourselves. It doesn't have to be this toxic positivity. But sometimes maybe it's possible we don't have to punish ourselves even more. We go through a lot already, why making it worse?

 

[HighFlight]

The funny/strange part about mental "illness" is it doesn't always show up the way we'd expect, nor does it appear the same way in everyone. We're each individuals and we react differently.

In hindsight, I can see that I've shown symptoms of MI since childhood, 40+ years ago. But I buried all of those thoughts and feelings (not that anyone was really talking about it in the 80s). Went on to complete college, and had (have) a successful career, and am now working for a great company.

After a traumatic experience in 2019, the symptoms came crashing down around me. I struggle to get up every day, I'm constantly doubting myself, no energy to do anything, go out of my way to avoid any social situation, have no friends, no passion for hobbies. I have family, but I spend most of my family time dealing with their issues, which is exhausting.

The point of this rambling is that just because outwardly you show that everything is OK, doesn't mean that you're not struggling on your own. It's good that you are recognizing this now and getting some help. If you ever need to talk, please don't hesitate to send me a DM.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

It's like this:

Hey, I don't know if you're still on this site or not but, since the day you recommended me this show, I started to watch it and now I'm finally on the episode where this scene occurs. That episode reminded me of this so I just thought to come back to thank you for recommending me this show to begin with. I didn't think there would ever be show that goes through dark themes like depression and, now that there is, it feels good to be watching this. Once again, thanks for the recommendation

 

[UsagiDrop]

Happy New Year, you guys! This past year may not have been the best or the kindest to us, we have all suffered and endured a lot. But we made it through, and we're all living to see another year. I know that on this forum, that's not a desirable place to be; it's dreadful when you're suffering and I'm not even totally happy about it. But within this group where most of us have made a vow to try our best to live in spite of our circumstances and feelings, I'm so proud and happy to be standing alongside you all in a brand new year! Not to be sentimental, but I think the best and probably most unexpected gift that last year gave us was each other.

@HighFlight, thank you for being such a wonderful friend to us all, for making yourself available to our plights, and for offering all of your words of encouragement as well as wise advice. Thank you, also, for all of the sacrifices that you make in your real life that may go unseen by others. Maybe you won't have a "9/11 moment," but I hope that this year will bring at least a little bit of peace to you. Maybe recovery can be possible without some big moment to precede it, but maybe acceptance of our situations can be recovery, too.

@sadwriter, you had a really difficult go at it this year, but I'm so grateful that you're still with us! Thank you for listening to us, for offering your understanding or advice, and for keeping the thread alive with your triple posts sometimes, haha. It's been wonderful to hear about your progress. I'm sure that you're an inspiration for a lot of us in this thread to keep going and I'm so proud of you for every step you've made, whether it was a step forward, a step back, a big one or a small one. Thanks for sharing it all with us, and I hope that your heater's been fixed by now!

@lita-lassi, I hope that you spent your holidays around your loved ones. I hope that your family and friends kept you warm and wrapped up in all of their care. I hope you've found a reason to smile and a place to relax away from that awful person. And most of all, I hope you're at least closer to getting your stuff back! This year, that chapter of your life is officially coming to a close and you'll be able to have a new start. I wish nothing but the best for you, always!

@ColorlessTrees, I hope that you've been enjoying the holidays with your fiancé and his family. I know it must be exciting, or maybe even a little challenging, being in a brand new country. But I imagine that you're making a lot of amazing memories with your loved ones and that makes me really happy. Thank you for being somebody that I can relate to, and for your kind and caring words when I needed them. Here's to your new start this year, I hope that everything goes well with moving and getting settled in the coming months, if that's still something that you guys are doing!

@Cloud Busting, I'm also really happy that you're still with us. I know that this year may have been especially hard for you, too, but you survived it, and you've even gained new and valuable perspectives through your experiences. Thank you for sticking around to share them with us, for helping us brainstorm through our issues, for your lists, for your positive attitude, and for not letting me be the only person in this thread that makes very consistently long posts! We haven't heard from you in a while, but I hope that you are doing well or at least okay during a season that is understandably hard for a lot of us.

@ijustwishtodie, I know you're not completely on board with the being alive thing, but I want to thank you for exploring your options and feeling safe enough to weigh them a little bit with us. The purpose of this support group thread has never been to convince you to live, but I'm happy that you're considering it at all. You're great to have around, you seem very thoughtful about everything and have offered interesting and valuable perspectives; not just in this thread, but in others as well. Thank you for making it to 2024 with us, and I hope that this year brings you peace and some of the answers that you may be looking for, no matter how you find it.

And thank you for watching Bojack! I'm a little curious, did you relate to or see yourself in any of the characters while watching? I always ask this to people who watch it, haha.

@LoiteringClouds, thank you for sharing your progress with us this year. I know that you lost your friend this year and that was surely a difficult thing to go through. But to see you find purpose, even if it was temporary, and seeing you put your all into working out consistently has been really inspiring. I'm sure that it's helped you a lot, as well. I hope you'll see even more wonderful progress this year, and that you'll be a little closer to finding that thing that makes you really want to live.

To @dazed_dreamer, @parader, @chancerlane, @BurgundySnap, @Night_Crew, @SolaceNight, @cactusflower, cardboard_houses (who has deactivated), @RenaSrar, @D1byRam3n, @eatyouryoung, @cheese.out, @Rack.-, @sadrainbow, @I Can't Say, and anyone else I may be missing, thank you guys for sharing pieces of yourselves with us throughout the year as well. Having not heard from you all in a while, I can only hope that things are alright for you all. There will always be a space here for your thoughts, if you ever need it.

Here's to surviving the next year! I don't really have any resolutions, this year. I have a few lofty goals that I'm not even sure I want to admit to myself. But this year I'm going to start to try, because I guess I don't have anything to lose except for the life I barely want anyway. Therefore, it couldn't hurt much to try!

I do have good news, though: I finally cleaned up my apartment! I wanted to do that since September. It feels much nicer for things to be clean and more organized.

Maybe prioritize what's most critical for you, whether that's the alcohol, drugs, job, wedding, general mental health, etc. Instead of dealing with all of them at once, allow yourself some space to focus on one or two of them at a time. Put the others on the back burner for the moment.

You know what? I never actually thought about taking my issues a few things at a time. I'm sorry if you or anyone else in the thread has ever told me to do this before, it seems so simple but all of my issues feel a bit interconnected. I suppose that I don't really see them as individual issues, but they can be.

I've decided to give up the job search for the foreseeable future, as the constant rejection is just something I can't seem to handle. I think it would be best for me to focus on the drinking and drugs (which are the same to me), and probably getting married, because although I don't want to, it's the best option for some potential stability at the moment and instability is a real contributing factor to me wanting to die.

With alcohol, I've messed up here and there, but I've been better about limiting my intake to one drink a day. I think the most I went was maybe five days sober, and I broke that recently when a credit card rejected me and I spiraled into drinking six beers and two mixed drinks in one day. On NYE-eve and NYE, I had wine and two drinks. Yesterday I had nothing! But today I'll probably have one, because this job continues to suck the soul out of me, and accepting the reality of me not being able to find another just feels hopeless. But even in all of the commotion and partying of Christmas and New Years, I've avoided every hard drug that I take. Mostly coke, which has been a challenge to refuse, but now I think I'm probably fifteen days sober.

And when I thought so many times "I'm at my lowest" - it can't get any worse then, right? Or at least, not significantly?

Welcome to the thread, @dustyrainbow! It sucks that you had such a horrible year last year, but I really do hope that this one will be better. Congratulations on building the life that you wanted, I know that must have took a lot of hard work and a fair bit of sacrifice. But I want to second what HighFlight said; just because we seem to have it all together on the outside doesn't mean that we aren't validly suffering on the inside. And we can still struggle or be ill, even when things may be going "well" and when the reason isn't exactly clear. I've been told in so many ways that people envy me, but I'm about as miserable as a person can be. It's really easy to neglect ourselves and lose ourselves in pursuit of our other interests and while we're attempting to build a life. What you said right here is true, though.

When we're at our lowest, well, the only other place to go is up! If we don't choose to stay there, that is.

Thank you for sharing with us, and I hope that we get to hear from you some more in the future. It's okay to not know what you're looking for, but hopefully, with time, what you're looking for will find you.

Yay for my first long post of 2024!

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello everyone and Happy New Year!

I hope you all are having a good days, or at least tolerable ones.
We (me included) seem to be struggling now. I tend to struggle emotionally during the vacation - I feel exhausted in my free time because I feel useless. I ruminate about how bad I am at work.

@UsagiDrop Thank you so much for your care and dedication on this thread - even when you're having hard time. Addiction is really tricky I think - I had been on benzos for 7 years and totally dependent on them - it was sheer luck that I could quit them in 2020.

Self validation is so important! I just ignore how I feel most of the time and when it crashes it's not "bad enough".
You can literally read it above "I don't have a reason to be ill".

Welcome to this thread, and I think I can relate to this - in my case, it has been a defense mechanism.
I've been told "Be grateful, many people are worse off than you" so I internalized this mindset in order to avoid judgement from others. I don't want to be considered to be a crybaby.

The point of this rambling is that just because outwardly you show that everything is OK, doesn't mean that you're not struggling on your own. It's good that you are recognizing this now and getting some help.

I think this is true - no one recognized my struggle even when I tried partial hanging in 2014, because nobody knew that I made a suicide attempt. And @HighFlight thank you for reminding this.

After a traumatic experience in 2019, the symptoms came crashing down around me. I struggle to get up every day, I'm constantly doubting myself, no energy to do anything, go out of my way to avoid any social situation, have no friends, no passion for hobbies. I have family, but I spend most of my family time dealing with their issues, which is exhausting.

I can't imagine how exhausting having a family while you're depressed - and you're dealing with their issues. I'm so sorry.

My update:
I'm continuing to exercise regularly. I think I'm stagnating in training, but I started getting advice from a fitness trainer. I hope his support will be a breakthrough.
And sometimes I can't perform well at the gym, but my late friend said that none of my efforts in the gym are in vain - I remember this words whenever I have a bad day there, as if they're talking to me. I tend to think my effort is futile, so I really needed this words. I usually work out at night, and I think I see them in the night sky - they became a star - even when it's cloudy, because I'm a part of clouds!

I hope you all will have a year better than 2023. Please take care
For me, 2024 will be a decade after my lowest point. I had thought I'm damaged goods beyond repair, recovery was not for me and every effort I make would be in vain then.
I still think I'm badly damaged but I'm a human, not goods. Now a star in the sky guides me - I'm slowly started to think none of our efforts will be in vain.

 

[sadwriter]

That's such a sweet post, @UsagiDrop! I was feeling down when I opened the site, but it made me happy to see what you'd written, so thank you for that. I'd also like to thank YOU for being such a supportive voice on the thread! I know you've had a really tough time as well, from your job to your relationship and the move and trying to stay sober, but I'm really glad to see that you made it to 2024. You're definitely a source of brightness on the thread, and at the same time, I'm glad that you haven't been afraid to share the darkness you've been feeling lately (though I'm less glad that you've been feeling that way).

Going off of that: are you feeling better than before? It sounds like you're in better spirits than when you last posted in December (I'm sorry again that I didn't get to reply right away), and I hope that's actually true. I know it was a really tough month for you, but you said you'd try to stick it out and make it to the new year, and I think it's worth recognizing how much strength it must have taken for you to succeed.


I'm feeling pretty disoriented right now/ still a bit overwhelmed with the continued family time (I won't be back at my place until January 9), so I won't be able to reply to anyone else right now, but... yeah, I've mostly just been very anxious & disoriented for the past week and a half. Family time is nice in some ways, and I love hanging out with my brother and dad, but my mom and I have a pretty complicated relationship, and it's extremely draining for me to be around her for more than a little bit at a time. My immediate family went on vacation for a few days during the time after Christmas until New Year's Day, and I could feel myself just disappearing on the trip. I noticed myself acting in ways that I don't love on New Year's Eve during dinner with my family & my mom's friend's family (nothing extreme, but just things like being less polite than I'd like and getting kind of angry over things/ acting a bit immature), and I felt so shitty that I ended up pretending to be sick and ringing in the new year by myself in our hotel room because I couldn't stand being around people anymore.

I've learned that I really don't do well when I don't have a good amount of time to be alone and check in with myself & feel however I'm feeling to the fullest extent & regroup (at least at this point in time), so coming out of the holiday rush & having been in hotel rooms with my family for about a week now, I'm feeling dissociative & disoriented to the point of being physically nauseous and feeling like the lower part of my face is weirdly tingly. I almost moved my flight up, but I decided against it since I wouldn't be able to see my brother again for a couple of months and he was sad that I was leaving so soon, so I'll be at my parents' place for a little under a week. Honestly, I know that once I take a bit to manage my anxiety & dissociation & check in with myself about recent events I'll be a lot better. I don't need to completely run away from everyone in order to fix how I'm feeling. The apartment is big enough for me to have my own space when I need it, and my mom is (thankfully) only around for a few hours per day because of how much she works.

And this concludes MY first long check in post of 2024 It's good to be back. I hope that everyone is having a good start to the year.

PS, welcome to the thread @dustyrainbow !

 

[sadwriter]

Alright, now it's time for my first double post of the year, lol! I spent some time lying around resting and so I'm feeling a lot less overwhelmed and ready to catch up on some stuff...

But I can't believe your landlord is giving you such a hard time. It sounded like a reasonable request. Although, trying to out myself in his shoes, I wonder if other tenants are hitting him up for the same thing. I could see where this would be frustrating for him, and maybe he took it out on you because . May if you try again, you could disarm him first by saying how thankful you are that he's working on the problem and that you understand how tough it's got to be for him. Then transition into how tough it's been for you... Another approach might be to ask him to pay the difference between your average electric bill from before and this month's bill.

tbh, I hope you don't need this advice and you actually have heat for Christmas. (Preferably without having to set the tree on fire. )

Thank you for this, HighFlight. Regarding other tenants, it seems to be an issue with my apartment only, and one that probably has to do with an air bubble or something in one of the other radiators. Two handymen came to try and fix things two separate times, but now they said they need to get into everyone else's apartments to drain the other tenant's radiators. I get why it would take a lot of time, but yeah, imo the least my landlord can do is give me a discount. But enough about that

Sorry to hear about your cracked tooth, also. That sounds super stressful to deal with in the middle of the holidays. Did you manage to visit your dentist, or at least set up an appointment?

Tbh this year was the shittiest ever, even tho I finally have the life I always wanted?

I can totally understand this. I was looking back to some of my "worst years" recently, and in all honesty, externally speaking things were way better for me than they are now. But how you're feeling on the inside can be completely different from what's going on externally (which I guess HighFlight already said). I know that the feeling can really suck, though, and I'm sorry you've had to deal with feeling this way despite finally being in the place you wanted to be.

Maybe I just hoped too much and ignored the part where I still have to work on myself. That mental illnesses just don't disappear if you want them to.
But it's still hard to be confronted with being ill, because now it feels like I don't have any reason to be still ill.

Yes! This is so true. It can be really isolating to feel shitty when you might not think you "have a reason to"– or at least it has been for me– but you're definitely in the right place if you're looking for other people who get it! Once again, welcome to the thread :)

@LoiteringClouds Glad to hear that you're keeping up the exercise and staying consistent, and I also hope that the trainer's advice helps!

I had thought I'm damaged goods beyond repair, recovery was not for me and every effort I make would be in vain then.
I still think I'm badly damaged but I'm a human, not goods. Now a star in the sky guides me - I'm slowly started to think none of our efforts will be in vain.

This is a great change in mindset. It's so easy to get into that all or nothing mindset of assuming that you're damaged beyond repair when you're beating yourself up &/or feeling down, but it's most often not the case at all.

All this talk about the new year (and having self compassion) has me thinking... maybe my 2024 resolution should be to renew my #BeKindToYourself vow, since I really did not stick to it in the months since joining the thread, lol... I'll try to think of more concrete ways to do it.

Regardless, once again, happy New Year to all! Going off of what UsagiDrop said, I'm definitely grateful to have found this thread this year. 2023 was a year during which I had to end relationships with several people who were closest to me, and has thus been one of the lonliest I've had in a while, so I'm glad to have all of you. I honestly didn't think that I'd make it to 2024, and while there are definitely times that I wish I hadn't/ wish I'd never been born in the first place, it's nice to at least not be alone in this journey of having mental health issues & trying to get by without CTB. Looking forward to seeing everyone's growth in 2024!

 

[UsagiDrop]

Addiction is really tricky I think

It really is, it's about as insidious as mental illness sometimes. I really hate the way that I think about how I abuse substances, how I rationalize my unhealthy relationship with it all. I also had an issue with pills, and I'm really happy that you were able to break your addiction! All of it must not have been luck, as I'm sure it required restraint and/or discomfort on your part, so you must have played a part too.

My update

Thank you for checking in with us. I think it's a really sweet, comforting and beautiful thought that you have about your friend becoming a star. No matter where you go, they'll never truly be far away from you, and they watch over you during, and guide you through, the darkest parts of your day.

I feel you on feeling like your efforts are useless— sometimes, most of the time, the little moves we make can be difficult to see. But over time, every step we take, even the ones that may be in the wrong direction, will eventually lead us to another path, to another place; rarely ever will we look around us and find the same surroundings. So, no effort is really in vein!

And the great part about being a damaged human is that while we may never get back to the way we were before, it's engrained in us to adapt and change and heal and continue moving. We're a pretty resilient bunch, for better or worse.

I'd also like to thank YOU for being such a supportive voice on the thread!

It's always my pleasure. It may be hard to find the words sometimes, but it's never been difficult to support you all. That comes to me very easily, because you guys are always here to support me!

Going off of that: are you feeling better than before?

Thank you for asking! I think I'm feeling slightly better, better enough to start cleaning up the mess of my episode (reaching out to people again, taking care of myself, actually eating lol, etc) but I'm still in the middle of it.

I recently came to the realization that I kind of have nobody to speak to in my real life, nobody that I can fully trust with my thoughts. If I talked about my situation, my parents will tell me to come home or force me home, my friends will think I'm either really stupid or getting taken advantage of (and I probably am), and my partner spirals and blames themself without doing much to actually rectify our situation as they're probably relying on and angling for marriage. All of these reactions are unproductive as hell, and I decided that they're just not worth it. I think I'll just have to be journaling a lot more and keeping things to myself, but I also think that this year will be the year where I'll have to go back to therapy and maybe even meds. I can't deal with this on my own anymore, but I'm in a position where I have to.

I'm feeling pretty disoriented right now/ still a bit overwhelmed with the continued family time

I'm really sorry to hear about the negative parts of your holiday. But you know what? I'm glad that you got to spend time with your family, even if it was hard. I know what it's like to be overwhelmed with social interactions, especially with family, but I always leave most of those situations a more relieved than regretful that I spent some time with people I know I won't have forever. Especially for those of us that tend to self-isolate or just prefer time to ourselves, that time is precious, not just for us but for the people who do genuinely love and cherish us. Most of all, after everything that happened, I'm sure your family was very happy to have you around. I'm proud of you for sticking it through and doing what you can, even if you're a little disappointed in how things went! Progress won't always be perfect, but it's progress, right? I think it's also worth recognizing the strength it took for you to do this!

And a positive aspect is that now you know that you definitely need time to recoup. That makes these gatherings and social situations difficult, but not impossible. Since you know this now, maybe the next time you're in a similar situation, you can be aware that you may need some time to step away and be alone. It's hard if you're in a hotel room with your family, for sure, but when I was in similar situations and started to feel overwhelmed, I would just excuse myself and take a walk through the hotel. When I was younger, I would hide in the bathroom. There's nothing wrong with doing something like this, even though it could feel wrong or awkward or even selfish to do.

 

[sadwriter]

Thank you for asking! I think I'm feeling slightly better, better enough to start cleaning up the mess of my episode (reaching out to people again, taking care of myself, actually eating lol, etc) but I'm still in the middle of it.

I recently came to the realization that I kind of have nobody to speak to in my real life, nobody that I can fully trust with my thoughts. If I talked about my situation, my parents will tell me to come home or force me home, my friends will think I'm either really stupid or getting taken advantage of (and I probably am), and my partner spirals and blames themself without doing much to actually rectify our situation as they're probably relying on and angling for marriage. All of these reactions are unproductive as hell, and I decided that they're just not worth it. I think I'll just have to be journaling a lot more and keeping things to myself, but I also think that this year will be the year where I'll have to go back to therapy and maybe even meds. I can't deal with this on my own anymore, but I'm in a position where I have to.

That's great that you're coming out of the episode, even if you still have a bit to go. I know that vibe of starting to crawl out of the pit but not being fully out yet... Taking care of yourself & actually eating is an important step up, though!

I'm also sorry that you don't feel safe confiding in anyone in your real life... it sucks to not be able to get emotional support from people and having to instead worry about them reacting in some unhelpful way or judging you. The parental reaction is honestly relatable– it can feel really suffocating to have someone jump to try to save you like that when you don't ask for it and are just looking for someone to talk to (at least in my own experience). If you have the means, I definitely think that therapy sounds like a great thing to do for yourself, especially if you don't have people to rely on for proper emotional support. Having to deal with everything you're going through without a therapist (or at least someone with an empathetic ear) sounds incredibly hard. Do you have a therapist that you've seen in the past, or will you have to look for someone new? I also wanted to ask, if you're comfortable sharing, why is your partner pushing the idea of marriage at this point?

Also, journalling is so great! Ever since I've started feeling a little better in December, I got back to journalling more again, and I somehow managed to fill up an entire book in a month!

I'm really sorry to hear about the negative parts of your holiday. But you know what? I'm glad that you got to spend time with your family, even if it was hard. I know what it's like to be overwhelmed with social interactions, especially with family, but I always leave most of those situations a more relieved than regretful that I spent some time with people I know I won't have forever. Especially for those of us that tend to self-isolate or just prefer time to ourselves, that time is precious, not just for us but for the people who do genuinely love and cherish us. Most of all, after everything that happened, I'm sure your family was very happy to have you around.

Yeah, I definitely am glad that I got to see my family too, despite all my venting. My post didn't fully reflect the positive aspects of the trip– including a lot of fun quality time with my brother and also getting to go swimming, which I probably hadn't done since like 2021– since I was too busy trying to expel all the negative emotions that I was feeling to counteract having to hide them outside of my journal for the past week and a half, lol.