"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[UsagiDrop]

The parental reaction is honestly relatable– it can feel really suffocating to have someone jump to try to save you like that when you don't ask for it and are just looking for someone to talk to (at least in my own experience).

This is definitely my experience as well. I have to particularly remind myself that they're literally just trying to help. To be fair, if I were my own daughter, I think I would want to save me too. Even I have to admit that my situation looks a bit dubious from the outside and sometimes even I have to question if I'm being used. (And it's here that I realized I wasn't clear somewhere in my last post— I didn't mean to say that I'm probably being used, just probably being stupid. #BeKindToYourself challenge 2024 is starting off really well, guys!)

Do you have a therapist that you've seen in the past, or will you have to look for someone new? I also wanted to ask, if you're comfortable sharing, why is your partner pushing the idea of marriage at this point?

I used to see a psychiatrist, but since I moved, I'm going to have to look for another. The resources are actually far better in the US than they are back home, though.

And he pushes marriage for a few reasons. Firstly, I don't doubt that he really does love me and wants to be married. But also because we've been engaged longer than we were dating at this point, it's probably a bit frustrating to him that I've hesitated since the move. I'm sure that it must feel like rejection on his end, or like he's not good enough suddenly due to our circumstances. But on my end, I'm hurt and unsure for the third reason I'll DM you at some point lol.

My post didn't fully reflect the positive aspects of the trip– including a lot of fun quality time with my brother and also getting to go swimming, which I probably hadn't done since like 2021– since I was too busy trying to expel all the negative emotions that I was feeling to counteract having to hide them outside of my journal for the past week and a half, lol.

That's understandable! I'm really sorry if what I said came off as dismissive as all, I know exactly what you mean about just trying to get all the negative parts out and that's a completely valid thing to do. I'm happy to hear that there were moments you enjoyed as well, especially with your brother. I honestly cannot imagine swimming in December anymore, haha! Was it cold?

 

[sadwriter]

That's understandable! I'm really sorry if what I said came off as dismissive as all, I know exactly what you mean about just trying to get all the negative parts out and that's a completely valid thing to do. I'm happy to hear that there were moments you enjoyed as well, especially with your brother. I honestly cannot imagine swimming in December anymore, haha! Was it cold?

You're good!! I knew you didn't mean it that way. And the pool was indoors, so it was pretty warm, haha.

I have to particularly remind myself that they're literally just trying to help. To be fair, if I were my own daughter, I think I would want to save me too.

Fair point, but at the same time, there's a fine line between being helpful in a positive way and overstepping, and "forcing" you to come home sounds more like the latter than the former, if your parents ever have done that. (I guess there are probably a few contexts when it may be necessary with people who experience really bad mental health symptoms like us... but regardless.)


I guess I'll check in for the day. 2024 is off to a slow & foggy start for me because of how drained & dissociative I've been feeling, lol. I can't complain too much, though, because I'm still feeling worlds better than I was in the fall. I also had yet another productive therapy session yesterday, where I talked about an important moment of sticking up for myself that I had recently. I had a pretty emotional moment, and I think my therapist may have gotten teary eyed?!?

 

[sadwriter]

Hey guys! I hope everyone had an ok first week of the new year. I'm back with another signature double post, lol.

The night after my last post I read some of my old journals from childhood, and it was way more illuminating than I'd expected. I've kind of lost touch with my past in recent years for a number of (largely trauma related) reasons, but I was able to remember a lot from reading back. I'd forgotten how unapologetically myself I used to be when I was young, how I was able to feel my feelings without gaslighting myself and didn't yet have all this self hatred. It honestly made me actually want to keep living so that I could do right by younger me. I had my feelings invalidated by the other kids and adults in my life alike for so many years, and I'm just starting to recognize how that wasn't OK and believe that maybe I'm not as terrible as I think I am– maybe it is just the invalidation getting to me years later. I may have made some mistakes, but everyone does. I basically wasn't allowed to make mistakes as a kid, so obviously I'd be really hard on myself for it as an adult.

How's everyone else??

 

[UsagiDrop]

I'm not surprised that this thread has went quiet. I would take a wild guess and dare to assume that seasonal depression will be quite common among us, or at least feelings of unease this season, on top of it just being a pretty busy time for most. You guys have all been in my thoughts. I hope you're all okay and haven't been swept away in all of the chaos!

I'm feeling a little weird today. I'm not doing horribly but I am just having one of those days. I ended up stumbling across a discussion on the selfishness of suicide. I came across so many people who find those in our position to be irrational thinkers who impose suffering on others. They compared us to children and said it's equally as frustrating watching a child that they love make a stupid decision. It definitely made me think. It's not that I agree with this sentiment, but in my situation, I do find planning my suicide to be a bit selfish sometimes. I've had to consider, in great detail, what has to be done when I'm gone and who will have to pick up the pieces of myself I left behind. I guess some of us here may agree at least partially, having identified reasons and people to live for and knowing that we can't leave yet. It's always painful to think about the mess we leave behind, as freeing as finally being done with this life sounds…

But on the other hand I remember telling the very first person I connected with on this forum the very opposite. No, it's not selfish to center your own pain for once. No, it's not selfish to make a choice for yourself for what seems to be the very first time in your life. How could it ever be evil or selfish to pursue your own freedom? I thought it was one of the most selfless things they could do for themselves after hearing their story. I assume that they forged their own path to freedom a few weeks later and despite having only spoken to them a few fleeting times, they've remained heavy on my mind ever since.

I hope you all don't feel selfish, ever; for the things you've done, the thoughts you've had, the attempts under your belt, none of it. I'm sure we all wish we could be "selfish" but the way that we feel, no matter how conflicting it can become, could never really be that. No matter what we decide, as long as it is a decision for us, it is the most selfless act of love that we could ever commit. I kind of want to reframe this thinking of it being "selfish," because I still have the same opinion that I had when I was still in contact with that wonderful person.

In a world where we're ostracized and made to live in isolation with our hardships that people will never understand, the hand that is supposed to pull us up from the pit isn't always easy to grab. Honestly, reading all of that nonsense from reformed suicidal people or otherwise mentally normal people got on my nerves. I'm starting to find that any assumptions that push the notion of recovery being a one-size-fits-all hat is very frustrating, as if it's just something all suicidal people can do with ease. And oddly enough it's made me feel really funny about my position in life lately. I feel kind of helpless, or stuck in a limbo; half here and half gone, haunting the halls of my own apartment and wandering around until I find a real reason to walk.

Help and genuine care is hard to find. Today I'm really thankful that some of you have found it outside of here and I'm extra happy that we have it in each other!

I have no real update to offer, just these weird thoughts to push the thread along. My job still sucks, life is overwhelming, I'm really feeling the pressure of having to be a million things at once, and I still really want to die. Recovering won't be easy but neither is the alternative. As long as there are people who are going to be a little annoyingly selfish about my existing (and there will always be those people lol), I guess I'm going to keep going.

 

[HighFlight]

Just a quick note to let everyone know that I'm still here and have been following the thread and everyone's updates.

@UsagiDrop, I'm really happy that you were able to begin to turn things around. I was worried about you going into the holidays, but it sounds like you're moving in a positive direction.

@sadwriter, hopefully you are back at your place and can recover/decompress from your visit with your family.

Dealing with family can be stressful... I'm a son, brother, and father. I didn't choose my parents, siblings or children. And these are relationships that will exist as long as I do... the good, the bad and the ugly. Everyone has their own issues to deal with; I can't control that. I can simply accept them for who they are, help them where I can, and be there for them when they're in need.

Yes, I purposely left "husband" off the list. Of everyone in my family, my wife is the only one I got to choose. As such I believe that marriage is a special family relationship, and should be treated as such. While I'm not against the concept of divorce, it's not a decision that should be made lightly - just like other major life decisions such as marriage and ctb.

I'm sorry I haven't been as active in this thread as I would like, but the holidays and the new year have been kicking my ass. Hopefully, I'll find some time and energy to add some more comments and provide a proper update.

Until then, please reach out if you want to talk, or just to say hi. Wishing everyone a good day/week, and please remember to #BeKindToYourself.

 

[HighFlight]

I wish that SaSu had a hug reaction that didn't look so "happy". If anyone has a suggestion for an emoji that would work, maybe I'll ask RaS to add it.

 

[lita-lassi]

@UsagiDrop and @HighFlight and everyone else ive missed you greatly friends. thank you, especially to you ^two^, so much for the kind words, they just cheered me up a lot and i return your hugs tightly :) ive not had time or mental fortitude to catch up with anything else in the thread. i finally went to court and got the restraining order filed after way too long being stuck with ptsd issues not letting me deal with or confront anything un-hystericaly, now i wait to present an unpleasant mountain of evidence to a judge. nice thing is im like 700+ miles away from my ex and filing here means court here, and theres no way hed leave his business and spend money just to try to defend himself for choking me and trying to extort me. frankly i never want to be in the same place as him ever again. my dad-to-day has been me feeling incredibly stuck and terrified of confrontation no matter the potential reward. hes clearly scared of me and my lawyer finally after months of harassing and insulting me through text messages. just adding to the evidence pile with every letter wasted on me. what a dumb dicknose.

angsty rant aside, i hope everyones doing at least ok if not great. its been hard, but we're still here sort of trying life for now i guess. im so tired guys, i just want this to all be done and dealt with. thanks for helping me sort my thoughts into words just by existing. ill try to check in more often; ive been scared even to do that :/ take care guys

 

[HighFlight]

Hi @lita-lassi,

It's great to hear your updates and the progress you've made against your ex. (What was his name again? Oh yeah, Mr Dumb Dicknose.) I'm glad you're far away from him, and that you've taken steps needed to get actual restraining order. It's got to be difficult - physically, mentally and emotionally to have to go through this process. I hope you're in a safe space while all this plays out in the court.

Have you received any of your things back? If not, what did the lawyer say about that stuff. While somethings may be unimportant, you had identified several family pieces that you deserve to get back.

While hopefully you're safe, it's understandable and normal to be scared. You are very courageous to be addressing all of this directly and through the right channels. And remember that courage is NOT the absence of fear. It's acting in spite of it.

Wishing continued success in resolving this so you can move on with your life. You've earned it.

 

[lita-lassi]

@HighFlight in the restraining order is the stipulation that i need my property returned to me with the help of law enforcement if necessary. the triggering aspect that kicked my ass into faster action finally after floundering is the prick had the gall to harass several friends then send me a message acting like everything was/would be fine, using a nickname he knows he no longer has the right to ever fucking use again, and make it sound like he wants things between us to be ok somehow; like he hasnt been insulting me and saying so many horrible, disgusting things otherwise for so long. ive not responded in months, i dont know what insanity is going on in his head and i dont want to. i just want him gone forever and my grandmothers wedding ring back. im tired of feeling like a failure for ever being in possession of it in the first place since this is what happened. it isnt rational because ive had it since i was a little girl but i feel like i failed everything by this happening. todays been hard.

 

[sadwriter]

Came to finally reply to stuff, but I've had an emotionally draining day and realized that I don't have the energy so for now I'll just say hi and I'm glad that everyone's hanging in there, even if things are hard...

I am back in my apartment and, positive update, IT IS FINALLY ROOM TEMPERATURE WITHOUT THE SPACE HEATER ON!!!!! Only took me calling the handyman four times in one work week...

Best wishes to everyone. You guys are strong as hell.

 

[HighFlight]

todays been hard.

I feel you... But it sounds like you're on the right track to getting your stuff (and your life) back. And you have ignored his attempts to regain the upper-hand. Keep that in mind, his attempts to be nice, using nicknames, and pretending everything is OK between you is a trick. Please continue to stand your ground and don't fall for it.

I'm sorry you feel like you failed at keeping your grandmother's ring. Given the circumstances, I think any of us might feel the same way. However, if you look at it differently, you are still fighting to get it back. The battle isn't over, but you have the higher ground and the moral right. You've got this!

@sadwriter, it's great news to hear you're home and have heat. I'm also happy to know that you continue to make progress on the road of recovery.

@UsagiDrop, IMHO - whether suicide is selfish or not really depends on the individual and the circumstances. It's never black & white. I have a relative-in-law who lost his brother to suicide. He still carries his anger over it and continues to call all suicides selfish acts. But I know there has to be more to the story, and I see his anger and hurt as him being selfish too. But I also think these emotions are normal for surviving friends and relatives. As a result, they often fight to shut off access to resources, including this site.

We saw "The Boys in the Boat" with our son who both rows and coaches a crewing team and had a good time. It was a nice break from the difficult week I had last week.

I hope everyone is having a nice weekend. Did anyone do anything special?

 

[UsagiDrop]

I'm really happy to see some positive updates from you guys!

@sadwriter I'm really glad that you're back home and especially that it's warm. I don't remember if I replied to you about it before, but I think it was kind of cruel of your landlord to get snippy with you for asking for some help with a basic human necessity. Glad it's been sorted out!

ill try to check in more often; ive been scared even to do that

Thank you for checking in on us! You're not obligated to do it any more often than you do, your wellbeing is way more important so please always take the time you need! It's great that you've gotten the restraining order sorted, hopefully your items will be returned soon.

It's okay to have hard days. You're going through a lot! I'm really proud of you for sticking it out and remaining as strong as you have been and are. You are the furthest thing from a failure!

@HighFlight You definitely deserve a break from your harder days, so it's relieving to hear that you were able to enjoy some time with your family this weekend. All the better if you actually enjoyed the movie!

This weekend I went out to support my partner in something. I had a pretty good time but I'm pretty stressed in general right now. Had a streak of twenty-six sober days and I broke it this weekend. I'm back to day one, but I'm trying not to beat myself up over it. I'm spinning a lot of plates right now and I'm happy that I didn't binge at least.

Now I'm back at work. I'm really struggling with this job; every time I'm touched or hugged, I want to die even more, and I feel like a monster for that…

there has to be more to the story, and I see his anger and hurt as him being selfish too.

Right, I definitely agree with this. I thought about this but didn't include it in my thoughts because I feel like their side is the overly represented side, but there's always more than one valid perspective in any given situation. It's extremely painful to have a suicidal loved one, and even more painful to lose a person to suicide. I see people here sometimes searching for ways to soften that blow and I've always maintained the view that it's impossible to leave this world without hurting people who have decided to love you. To them, we are wishing to transfer our pain over to survivors. I can see why they would say it's selfish, they don't have the full view of the situation and can only react in the ways that they can.

On the other hand, I find forcing people to live very selfish and cruel if we don't offer solutions or at least help. In the same place I saw the discussion, there was a certain sentiment thrown around to the OP. "Nobody is telling you to live with your pain alone. Reach out to loved ones so they can shoulder some of your burden or get therapy."

Ignoring the fact that therapy isn't as accessible or even as universally helpful as we would like to imagine, the reality is that the vast majority of us are actually forced to live in isolation due to how we feel. We have to hide it because the world doesn't really care. It's true that some people are genuinely selfish with their desire to die. They want to inflict pain onto others, exact revenge, and genuinely aren't rational. But it's not true that most people take this decision or thought lightly, and we're not living in some fantasy world where our loneliness is just perceived; rather, many of us have tried to reach out, and were met with indifference. Or, worse, we eventually end up hurting those that we love to the point where they push us away because they can't take the strain that our negative dispositions put on them (and that's fine, too). I think being dismissed by just about everyone in your life can be traumatizing, and being forced to live within that reality just so others can be comfortable with your continued existence is selfish as well. Kind of like people just expect you to get therapy and shut up, or pretend to be okay until something extraordinarily tragic happens in your life and it's socially acceptable to be sad.

But maybe my view is completely warped because of what side of the fence I'm on, I know that's completely possible. I wonder if there's some sort of middle ground between these two extreme thoughts.

 

[HighFlight]

I wonder if there's some sort of middle ground between these two extreme thoughts.

I would argue that reality will (should) always lie somewhere in the middle. That seems to be an ongoing theme in the United States right now on most issues - the polarization of views.

And your viewpoint is not warped, just under represented. Its a question of numbers... And the very people they hold up as poster children for suicide prevention are the ones who no longer have a voice. Couple that with they have greater motivation and have a louder voice. There are very few that would stand up and argue for total choice, and many that would can be easily dismissed by the other side.

My personal approach would be to try to have the same level of empathy as we do for each other. To validate their feelings of hurt, loss and anger. But also show them the life through their loved ones eyes, asking the same from them. Then, we might be able to begin to come up with Suicide Prevention that also allows for Medical Aid in Dying - a real pro-choice approach that also limits the impulsive suicides or those that can be helped through treatment. I would call this the "middle ground".

Unfortunately, I don't see this happening in my lifetime. But maybe with the Gen Zs...

 

[sadwriter]

But on the other hand I remember telling the very first person I connected with on this forum the very opposite. No, it's not selfish to center your own pain for once. No, it's not selfish to make a choice for yourself for what seems to be the very first time in your life. How could it ever be evil or selfish to pursue your own freedom?

I definitely second this. If someone is in enough pain to end their own life, then it's past the point of "selfishness" imo. There's a difference between pure selfishness and prioritizing one's self. (Though HighFlight is right that there's nuance and it does also depend on the individual situation– still, if I had to pick a single overarching stance, it would be this one.)

In a world where we're ostracized and made to live in isolation with our hardships that people will never understand, the hand that is supposed to pull us up from the pit isn't always easy to grab. Honestly, reading all of that nonsense from reformed suicidal people or otherwise mentally normal people got on my nerves. I'm starting to find that any assumptions that push the notion of recovery being a one-size-fits-all hat is very frustrating, as if it's just something all suicidal people can do with ease.

Very well put (and same to the rest of your post!)

@sadwriter I'm really glad that you're back home and especially that it's warm. I don't remember if I replied to you about it before, but I think it was kind of cruel of your landlord to get snippy with you for asking for some help with a basic human necessity. Glad it's been sorted out!

Thank you! Yeah, given how long I was without heat, I think it was kind of a dick move for my landlord to be so dismissive of my request for a rent reduction. At this point I honestly may let it go regardless, since I don't know if I feel like fighting him on this now that the problem is solved and the electric bill also wasn't super high like I was expecting due to the space heater (it was only like $20 higher than average, which is way less valuable than the time and emotional energy I'd have to spend to get the discount lol). But we'll see.

Had a streak of twenty-six sober days and I broke it this weekend. I'm back to day one, but I'm trying not to beat myself up over it. I'm spinning a lot of plates right now and I'm happy that I didn't binge at least.

Twenty six days is extremely impressive! I hope that you succeeded in not beating yourself up too much, because I think the fact that you made it that long is something to be proud of, even if you slipped up. Consistency is more important than perfection, and if you're able to slip up without letting yourself fall back into the pit and give up, that's the most significant thing. How's your sobriety going currently? Also, I'm sorry your job continues to be super difficult... for what it's worth, being touched without wanting it really sucks, so I think you're perfectly justified in how you feel (and not at all a monster!).

Ignoring the fact that therapy isn't as accessible or even as universally helpful as we would like to imagine, the reality is that the vast majority of us are actually forced to live in isolation due to how we feel. We have to hide it because the world doesn't really care. It's true that some people are genuinely selfish with their desire to die. They want to inflict pain onto others, exact revenge, and genuinely aren't rational. But it's not true that most people take this decision or thought lightly, and we're not living in some fantasy world where our loneliness is just perceived; rather, many of us have tried to reach out, and were met with indifference. Or, worse, we eventually end up hurting those that we love to the point where they push us away because they can't take the strain that our negative dispositions put on them (and that's fine, too). I think being dismissed by just about everyone in your life can be traumatizing, and being forced to live within that reality just so others can be comfortable with your continued existence is selfish as well. Kind of like people just expect you to get therapy and shut up, or pretend to be okay until something extraordinarily tragic happens in your life and it's socially acceptable to be sad.

Once again, I think this is very well said. For some, mental health issues are a kind of vicious cycle: you're emotionally traumitized in one or more relationships early on, and so you have to deal with the symptoms as you get older, but said symptoms make it harder to get along with people & cause them to dismiss you/ cause you to be isolated, thus causing you even more pain... and so on. It's a kind of cyclic hell. And it's true that there are so many barriers to healing, plus even if you're lucky enough to have access to a knowledgable therapist who's a good fit, ie the best case scenario, the process of doing the work is STILL difficult as fuck and very time consuming. (I say this firsthand. I consider myself extremely privlaged as far as the help that I'm able to get, but for someone who's in an extremely privelaged position, life sure isn't the box of chocolates!)


@lita-lassi always glad to see you back on the thread! :) I'm really glad that you're continuing to make progress with your case/ the restraining order (though not glad that your ex continues to be a dick). I don't blame you for never wanting to be in the same room as that man again, or for being triggered when having to deal with things throughout this process. I hope you're able to get the ring & your other valuables back, and that things continue to go as well as possible for you with the legal process... As always, please do keep us updated whenever you can!!

We saw "The Boys in the Boat" with our son who both rows and coaches a crewing team and had a good time. It was a nice break from the difficult week I had last week.

I hope everyone is having a nice weekend. Did anyone do anything special?

I'm glad that you were able to catch a break and have a good time! Honestly, my weekend wasn't super eventful. (Since I'm still not working again yet, every day is kind of the same for me right now and so weekends just feel normal, lol.) My brother did fly into town overnight, though, in the process of traveling back to school, and it was nice to see him, even though it was just for a little while.

My personal approach would be to try to have the same level of empathy as we do for each other. To validate their feelings of hurt, loss and anger. But also show them the life through their loved ones eyes, asking the same from them. Then, we might be able to begin to come up with Suicide Prevention that also allows for Medical Aid in Dying - a real pro-choice approach that also limits the impulsive suicides or those that can be helped through treatment. I would call this the "middle ground".

Unfortunately, I don't see this happening in my lifetime. But maybe with the Gen Zs...

I really hope that this becomes a reality in the future. That came up in the one suicide book I'd previously mentioned, the point that giving people the choice to end their lives might actually, paradoxically, help SAVE lives because of the fact that the choice exists and people would perhaps be less likely to do dangerous things on impulse knowing that. Honestly, though, I don't have a ton of hope that this'll happen in my own gen z lifetime (even assuming I make it to the end of my natural life, lol), since there are so many other pressing issues in this country (slash world, if we're talking things like climate change) and it doesn't seem like the right to die is a popular view by any means. But hey, then again, who knows what issues will be taking center stage 50+ years from now. Nobody knew that deepfakes were going to be a thing back in 1975, lol.


On my end, as mentioned, I am finally back in my apartment, and have been for a week now. Considering that I haven't truly lived here in the long term since my half-assed CTB attempt a little over 3 months ago, I'd say that the fact that I've managed to exist and take decent care of myself without getting completely overwhelmed & dissociatively/ depressively crashing is honestly a pretty big feat. It's only been a week, but it's also very much progress. Existing in my head feels a bit weird at this point because of all the awareness I've gained in recent months and the fact that I'm in the process of stepping out of old unhealthy patterns, but it's all for the better.

I don't really have much else to say. Things are very uneventful for me because I've been trying to take things extremely slowly and ease back in so that I don't crash again. I've mostly been reading and journalling a lot, and am in the process of building a cabinet I bought in December. Right now I'm just hoping to get my apartment finished and get used to being a person again to the point where I can start looking for work some time later this month.

Best wishes to everyone as always!

 

[HighFlight]

I find it interesting that our recovery thread has transitioned into a discussion about selfishness as it relates to suicide. (Not a bad thing, just an observation.) And while I agree that @sadwriter is right about priority of right to die when compared to some of the other issues facing humanity, I do see a relationship between many of those issues and selfishness. Is selfishness killing humanity? (Things that make you go hmmm...)

I had a therapy session on Monday and we discussed my son quitting his job last week...

My son had caught me off guard. I had been on calls for hours, and he told me during a 5-minute break where I just needed a bio-break and something to drink before jumping on another call that I needed to lead. Anyway, taken by surprise, I didn't say anything. He stormed away stating that he would go "hide in his room" because he obviously disappointed me again.

I vented my frustration non-verbally while getting some water. Well, we crossed paths again as I was headed back to the office and he looked like he was going to leave. I took a deep breath and stopped him. And told him he wasn't a disappointment and I loved him, and just didn't have time to give him my full attention but I would that evening.

After hearing the story, my therapist asked why I couldn't show myself the same level of compassion I had shown my son. I laughed to myself thinking about our group and how many times this has come up in discussion.

#BeKindToYourself

The other thing she told me is that I need to learn the language for feelings. Apparently, males over 40 aren't well versed in talking about feelings. (Her generalization, not mine. Although accurate for me.) So if anyone has any good resources, it be greatly appreciated. (My therapy homework )

Anyway, that's a quick glimpse into what's been happening in my life the past few weeks.

@LoiteringClouds, how is the exercise routine going? I need to find some motivation to get moving more. I really beginning to feel it.

And @Cloud Busting, I haven't forgotten about UU and started to look into it locally. But lost motivation for connecting with others, too.

Everything seems so exhausting right now that.

I grateful to see things improving for some of us, and remain true to my vow to stick around to get the children self-sufficient and will continue to work on recovery in the meantime. My act of selflessness.

Wishing everyone a better day tomorrow.

 

[itchygator]

Does anyone really want to die? I get the feeling we're all miserable, not excited, just before ctb. And how to know which thoughts are SI

I was trying not to let this comment bother me as it felt like an attack, but it seems to keep coming up in this thread. Thank you for all those who defended the idea of a recovery pact and offered your ideas and suggestions.

With all the is going on recently, including that attacks on the SaSu site, I can understand @Ambivalent1 's concerns. We should take the concern openly and like any other idea or suggestion.

And not the it matters, I stand firmly with the pro-choice crowd and I feel that recovery is one of those choices. It may not for everyone, and I support that too.

Yea now I'm confused.

I'm not surprised that this thread has went quiet. I would take a wild guess and dare to assume that seasonal depression will be quite common among us, or at least feelings of unease this season, on top of it just being a pretty busy time for most. You guys have all been in my thoughts. I hope you're all okay and haven't been swept away in all of the chaos!

I'm feeling a little weird today. I'm not doing horribly but I am just having one of those days. I ended up stumbling across a discussion on the selfishness of suicide. I came across so many people who find those in our position to be irrational thinkers who impose suffering on others. They compared us to children and said it's equally as frustrating watching a child that they love make a stupid decision. It definitely made me think. It's not that I agree with this sentiment, but in my situation, I do find planning my suicide to be a bit selfish sometimes. I've had to consider, in great detail, what has to be done when I'm gone and who will have to pick up the pieces of myself I left behind. I guess some of us here may agree at least partially, having identified reasons and people to live for and knowing that we can't leave yet. It's always painful to think about the mess we leave behind, as freeing as finally being done with this life sounds…

But on the other hand I remember telling the very first person I connected with on this forum the very opposite. No, it's not selfish to center your own pain for once. No, it's not selfish to make a choice for yourself for what seems to be the very first time in your life. How could it ever be evil or selfish to pursue your own freedom? I thought it was one of the most selfless things they could do for themselves after hearing their story. I assume that they forged their own path to freedom a few weeks later and despite having only spoken to them a few fleeting times, they've remained heavy on my mind ever since.

I hope you all don't feel selfish, ever; for the things you've done, the thoughts you've had, the attempts under your belt, none of it. I'm sure we all wish we could be "selfish" but the way that we feel, no matter how conflicting it can become, could never really be that. No matter what we decide, as long as it is a decision for us, it is the most selfless act of love that we could ever commit. I kind of want to reframe this thinking of it being "selfish," because I still have the same opinion that I had when I was still in contact with that wonderful person.

In a world where we're ostracized and made to live in isolation with our hardships that people will never understand, the hand that is supposed to pull us up from the pit isn't always easy to grab. Honestly, reading all of that nonsense from reformed suicidal people or otherwise mentally normal people got on my nerves. I'm starting to find that any assumptions that push the notion of recovery being a one-size-fits-all hat is very frustrating, as if it's just something all suicidal people can do with ease. And oddly enough it's made me feel really funny about my position in life lately. I feel kind of helpless, or stuck in a limbo; half here and half gone, haunting the halls of my own apartment and wandering around until I find a real reason to walk.

Help and genuine care is hard to find. Today I'm really thankful that some of you have found it outside of here and I'm extra happy that we have it in each other!

I have no real update to offer, just these weird thoughts to push the thread along. My job still sucks, life is overwhelming, I'm really feeling the pressure of having to be a million things at once, and I still really want to die. Recovering won't be easy but neither is the alternative. As long as there are people who are going to be a little annoyingly selfish about my existing (and there will always be those people lol), I guess I'm going to keep going.

Very well said.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

@LoiteringClouds, how is the exercise routine going? I need to find some motivation to get moving more. I really beginning to feel it.

Hello @HighFlight and thank you for remembering me!

Recently I'm struggling to keep up with my exercise routine. I often skip the gym because I have to do a lot of overtime recently. I can work 9 AM to 8 PM and then go to the gym when I'm in a good condition, but now I started to feel depressed again, as my problems at work keep tormenting me. I tend to spend too much time on this forum when I'm depressed.
Last week I couldn't exercise because I was sick, but I got better and today I went to the gym.

I think the largest motivator is a good feeling after exercising, especially running a mile (1.6 km.)
I'm a highly hedonistic person, so I go to the gym to get high on drugs my brain itself creates.

I have a lot of other motivators which are highly personal.
- My late friend loved fitness.
- I find gym environment is very helpful. Everybody is exercising there and nobody is watching me, except trainers.
- I also have a bizarre reason to keep exercising - I have "imaginary friends" and I want them to live in a healthy body (my body is their body.)
Note: I don't have any dissociative disorder.

Sorry for being a lurker for a while and I'm not sure if it helps you, but I hope your day will be a bit more palatable

 

[HighFlight]

Hi @itchygator, welcome to the thread.

Very well said

As you've noticed, @UsagiDrop has a way with words and always has something nice to say. But @sadwriter is also another amazing writer on the thread.

Yea now I'm confused.

But since you've pulled out a couple of quotes from this summer, you probably know all that. And yes, things were a little confusing in the beginning.

Hey @LoiteringClouds, thanks for the response and your courage to share your motivation. I know you've shared some of it in the past, but appreciate you for taking the time to summarize it. I'm sorry to hear that work is keeping you away from the gym. It's been a tough couple of weeks for myself as well, and can't find time to do anything healthy. Hopefully, my workload will become more reasonable and I can focus again on my recovery. It sounds like I need to find something much more personal for motivation than anything I currently have. The search continues...

 

[UsagiDrop]

How's your sobriety going currently?

I'm four days, nineteen hours and twenty-eight minutes sober as of typing this!

For the record, I'm focusing on sobriety from coke. With alcohol, I've mostly been able to keep it down to one drink a day thanks to my partner, and some days I have none. Admittedly, I've been drinking more than my recent usual. But I'm trying to focus on moderation when it comes to this, and not drinking to get drunk. It's hard because I've become so reliant on everything, but I'm happy to get off the "harder" things and work on the rest later. Although, alcohol is definitely rough on the body. I regret drinking every time, but don't really know what else to do.

for what it's worth, being touched without wanting it really sucks, so I think you're perfectly justified in how you feel (and not at all a monster!).

Thank you for this. A friend expressed similar sentiments to me today, too. I just feel horrible because of the field of work I'm in. My client is only seeking connection and it's good that they like me. I just really do not like the hand holding and hugging very much, especially when I feel so horrible mentally.

I'd say that the fact that I've managed to exist and take decent care of myself without getting completely overwhelmed & dissociatively/ depressively crashing is honestly a pretty big feat.

I agree that this is a big feat, and I'm very proud of you! You're rebuilding your life and that is not easy, but one day in the future you'll be thankful that you were strong enough to persevere through these times.

(…life sure isn't the box of chocolates!)

Haha, if life were the box of chocolates, I feel like I'm often biting into one of those dry-ass ones with the coconut filling. No offense to anyone lurking or participating who may like coconut fillings, of course.

But sometimes I get a caramel filled one, or a fruit (sans coconut) filled one, and it's like a reward. Sometimes, I want to keep going just to get a taste of the chocolates that I like again, so maybe Forrest was onto something.

I find it interesting that our recovery thread has transitioned into a discussion about selfishness as it relates to suicide. (Not a bad thing, just an observation.)

Heh, sometimes we need something a little provocative to get the people talking. But I think it can be relevant in our recovery, too; if I hadn't made it clear, I really want us to not feel terrible for the way that we are. We are not shitty, horrible, selfish human beings. In fact, our dedication to continue living despite our circumstances and feelings is a testament to how selfless we truly are. #BeKindToYourself

It's a good talk, though, and I appreciate the responses that we've shared. Ironically enough, the "selfishness" of the act is a big thing that keeps me here. By now, I have planned, and planned, to the point where I researched and left instructions on what to do with my body if it's found, how the people that know me can begin to send my body home to my family and how much it costs. In a perfect situation I wouldn't even die here, though. I never wanted to live here so it seems silly to die where I'm at right now. And I think I share a similar sentiment to most people who have grown up in my region. I would much rather live and die by the sea that I know.

But all of those procedures keep me alive. I think it'd be selfish to voluntarily leave that burden and expense on others. I think a lot of us probably feel the same, so i hope we can realize that we aren't selfish or bad people.

As an elder Gen Z, though, I don't even know if I see acceptance of suicidality happening in my generation. We are a pretty understanding and unconventional bunch, I find, but suicide is still something that people either stigmatize to the point of infantilization, or laugh at. I do share the same sentiments, though. I hope maybe that the choice will be available in some way within my lifetime. I agree with what Sadwriter has read and reiterated, having the choice and resources readily available will probably make people think twice about their own death, seeing as it would be just another option like therapy, for example, already is. And it would be heavily restricted and moderated anyway, knowing our world, but at least it would be there for the most severe and understandable cases.

And told him he wasn't a disappointment and I loved him

For what it's worth, as a twenty-something year old adult child, I think hearing this may have meant a lot. Thank you for communicating this with your son. I'm sorry that this week has been stressful, but thank you for all of the selfless acts you perform for your family. If they don't appreciate it right now, I can only hope that they will one day. I hope things have gotten better or at least calmer by now.

I tend to spend too much time on this forum when I'm depressed.

Thank you for keeping us updated. When I am doing really bad, I tend to limit my use of the forum. It's comforting to be able to read and participate in the conversations that we do, but if we are choosing to recover, it can also be difficult and triggering too. There is no shame in needing to take a break if you're spending too much time here. I hope that things will be better for you and that you won't be so stressed at work!

No updates on my part. It's starting to get pretty cold where I'm at, and if it's the same for you guys, please stay safe and warm!

 

[itchygator]

Hi @itchygator, welcome to the thread.

As you've noticed, @UsagiDrop has a way with words and always has something nice to say. But @sadwriter is also another amazing writer on the thread.


But since you've pulled out a couple of quotes from this summer, you probably know all that. And yes, things were a little confusing in the beginning.

Hey @LoiteringClouds, thanks for the response and your courage to share your motivation. I know you've shared some of it in the past, but appreciate you for taking the time to summarize it. I'm sorry to hear that work is keeping you away from the gym. It's been a tough couple of weeks for myself as well, and can't find time to do anything healthy. Hopefully, my workload will become more reasonable and I can focus again on my recovery. It sounds like I need to find something much more personal for motivation than anything I currently have. The search continues...i

I'm lost.. and I feel like an asshole now. But don't know why.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I'm lost.. and I feel like an asshole now. But don't know why.

No need to feel like an asshole! I think HighFlight was just welcoming you to the group as we usually do when people join us. This is just a thread that we use to check in with each other as we're all trying to recover, or just trying to make life a bit better while we have to live. Some of us have made pacts and goals for our recovery, promises to ourselves of what we would like our journeys to ultimately lead us to, and some of us haven't. It's not mandatory, as we pretty much just use this space as a place to vent and share what we're going through, as well as a place to discuss the feelings I guess we can't necessarily bring up to those around us in real life.

I'm not sure what your purpose of using the forum is yet, since you're fairly new (welcome to the forum too, btw!). You may be planning your exit instead of wanting to focus on recovering from your ideation and whatever else is causing you to have reached this point, and either choice is a safe one to make around here. You're welcome to come and hang out with us in here if you ever do need a space to vent, though. Just know we're pretty recovery minded so you'll end up getting a lot of encouragement.

 

[itchygator]

No need to feel like an asshole! I think HighFlight was just welcoming you to the group as we usually do when people join us. This is just a thread that we use to check in with each other as we're all trying to recover, or just trying to make life a bit better while we have to live. Some of us have made pacts and goals for our recovery, promises to ourselves of what we would like our journeys to ultimately lead us to, and some of us haven't. It's not mandatory, as we pretty much just use this space as a place to vent and share what we're going through, as well as a place to discuss the feelings I guess we can't necessarily bring up to those around us in real life.

I'm not sure what your purpose of using the forum is yet, since you're fairly new (welcome to the forum too, btw!). You may be planning your exit instead of wanting to focus on recovering from your ideation and whatever else is causing you to have reached this point, and either choice is a safe one to make around here. You're welcome to come and hang out with us in here if you ever do need a space to vent, though. Just know we're pretty recovery minded so you'll end up getting a lot of encouragement.

Thank you very much for you

No need to feel like an asshole! I think HighFlight was just welcoming you to the group as we usually do when people join us. This is just a thread that we use to check in with each other as we're all trying to recover, or just trying to make life a bit better while we have to live. Some of us have made pacts and goals for our recovery, promises to ourselves of what we would like our journeys to ultimately lead us to, and some of us haven't. It's not mandatory, as we pretty much just use this space as a place to vent and share what we're going through, as well as a place to discuss the feelings I guess we can't necessarily bring up to those around us in real life.

I'm not sure what your purpose of using the forum is yet, since you're fairly new (welcome to the forum too, btw!). You may be planning your exit instead of wanting to focus on recovering from your ideation and whatever else is causing you to have reached this point, and either choice is a safe one to make around here. You're welcome to come and hang out with us in here if you ever do need a space to vent, though. Just know we're pretty recovery minded so you'll end up getting a lot of encouragement.

hey thanks for taking the time to say that. Also, I truly respect people like you who think in the perspective of the next person. Yea I actually am new to all of this. Years ago when fb first came out I had a profile and it got hacked so I left all social media and any and everything relating to it behind until now. I'm a loner nowadays.

 

[UsagiDrop]

Years ago when fb first came out I had a profile and it got hacked so I left all social media and any and everything relating to it behind until now.

That's understandable. Being hacked can be a discouraging experience. I left the majority of social media platforms because I was being stalked and hacked so I get it. Ironically though, you throwing in the towel near the beginning of this whole modern social media era may be like a blessing in disguise, in some ways. I'm sure it can be kind of lonely but it's also pretty lonely on social media nowadays, anyway, and the brain rot is real. I think we talked about this before on this thread, I can't remember how many of us actually still use social media but probably not a lot of us, anymore.

I'm a loner nowadays.

Nothing wrong with being a loner! But if you ever need some company, you can always find some with us. No pressure to post here, though, just know the invitation is always open and we are always willing to hear you out and offer encouragement when you need it.

You'll definitely figure things out as you go along on the forum, though. I find that eventually people start to feel for what they want to get out of here and which side/s of the forum they prefer to be on. This side is for recovery, so it's not a great place to be when you're in the thick of depression. Conversely, the other side isn't a great place to be when you're trying to get better. But there are helpful and interesting people everywhere, and worthwhile conversations to read literally all over the forum, so I hope that you are able to make some connections! I really do appreciate how uncensored we can be when expressing ourselves and our mental struggles here, as opposed to everywhere else on the internet.

 

[HighFlight]

I'm lost.. and I feel like an asshole now. But don't know why.

I'm sorry i made you feel that way, and happy that @UsagiDrop was able to give you a much better welcome. You had pulled out a post of mine from when I was helping Venin get this thread started, which was one I really didn't like having to make. No excuse for not giving you a proper welcome.

I never like "welcoming" people to this site, as the fact that they're here says life is difficult for them in some way. However, this thread has been a great place to openly talk about our struggles. I've found everyone here to be very supportive and non-judgemental.

One thing I've found through our discussion is that we share more things in common than differences. This is the only "social media" site that I participate in. Anxiety makes it tough for me share my thoughts. This also happens in real life, so I don't have anyone beyond immediate family, which is its own struggle.

Anyway, I hope you that you will ignore my terrible welcome and join in the discussions. And if you're more interested in just lurking for now, just perfectly OK. (You can "watch" the thread and get notified when someone posts.)

Regardless, I truly hope that you can find some peace. If you ever want to talk or have any questions, don't hesitate to reach out.

 

[UsagiDrop]

Does anybody else hate Mondays like Garfield?

I don't really have a traditional schedule anymore so I don't really loathe Mondays like I did when I was in school. I think I despise any day that I have to be at work equally. Seeing as I'm here right now, and dying to leave, I thought I'd burn my last few minutes by typing an update.

Thankfully things have been more or less the same for me. I don't have any major updates but that doesn't mean that I'm doing great. I'm having problems hiding how I feel now. I used to be okay at it but when I have a job where I'm basically forced to interact with people, it's very obvious that I'm mentally ill. Perhaps even severely so.

Every day I feel myself getting meaner and meaner. For example, I still hate when my clients touch me. It's horrible because all they want is a connection and I want to reject that desire of theirs with everything in me. Having to go through being hugged and having my hand held and patted and caressed while someone is moaning and calling me a "good girl" feels like the worst thing in the world to me right now. Someone tells me they're "not going to hurt me" when they do it but it feels like an assault even though I know it's not. Ironically, it does hurt me a lot. I'm not allowed to have boundaries as a glorified servant, though.

I've never experienced something that makes me so intensely upset while I still have to do it. I've gotten to a point where I wash my hands after I'm touched and have reserved clothes for this job that I do not and can not wear in my personal life anymore. Everything is dirty. I've been touched in it all and it makes me feel violated to even wear these clothes. They're like uniforms that I hate to look at and when I quit I will probably be donating them to someone that can appreciate them, or using the more plain and worn out items as cleaning rags.

Anyway, I say all of that to say that I feel like something is so deeply and irreparably wrong about me, if this is how I feel in the process of helping the vulnerable. And throughout it all, they still like me, for some reason, but I'm on the borderline of not really liking them. I guess I hide it nice enough and I am not outright cruel, I still treat my main client better than some of my coworkers. Someone like me shouldn't be in this line of work at all though. I know I'm an example of the horrible people that vulnerable folks are afraid to be placed in the hands in, with this outlook. I don't believe that they deserve people who are cruel or even generally unhappy taking care of them. They should be surrounded by happy people who lift their spirits and are thrilled to be helpful. But I have no other choice but to do this job, and no matter how hard I try to change my outlook, my mind just gets darker, and darker, and darker…

It's a good thing I put myself on a timer so that this post can be shorter than my usual ones, lol.

So that I don't end this on a completely horrible note, I hope that you guys will have an okay week this week. It's still so cold, so keep warm if you have to survive in unpleasant weather. I'm going through my very first ice storm and I hope I'll make it home in a few moments. Driving on ice in the night is honestly terrifying and I have no idea why we have to keep it pushing even in weather like this.

 

[HighFlight]

I hate Mondays! But this week wasn't too bad cause I also had to work over the weekend. The groundhog day effect feels like it has been 7 days a week since the new year.

Although I can't really relate to your job situation, I can understand why you feel the way you do. My job has very little in person contact, which has its own drawbacks. But I do get not wanting to be touched, especially by people im not close to. I've hated it since as long as I can remember. I'm sorry you have to put up with this on a routine basis.

They should be surrounded by happy people who lift their spirits and are thrilled to be helpful.

I'm sorry, but have you met yourself. :) Almost every post you've put here has included some words of encouragement, to lift people's spirits and genuinely be helpful. I can't speak for everyone, but I know I'm certainly glad your here with us.

And my might have to try your timer idea... I spend way to long and don't really feel like I've added a lot. I tried shorter posts more often, but that didn't last very long. I guess I'll say I'm a work in progress.

I hope you, and everyone else is home safe and warn from the recent storms. Maybe Tuesday will be better...

 

[UsagiDrop]

I can't speak for everyone, but I know I'm certainly glad your here with us.

Thank you for this! I'm always happy to have helped or encouraged anyone at all. A friend told me a some time last year that I'm not a horrible person, I'm just frustrated because I'm doing something that isn't right for me. But I guess in my eyes I feel like I couldn't be a saint if I feel like killing myself when I do the things that saints do. But also, I could just be being mean to myself. I'll try to give myself a break, it's just really hard to do that when I'm in the middle of all of this.

I also hope that you'll be safe and warm in all of these storms, @HighFlight, and that your week this week won't be so same-y.

Back to ten days sober! I'm completely sober today as well. Some days I try to exist without alcohol or any of my other vices and those are hard days. But staying off the harder drugs has been easier this time around than it was the last. Hopefully this streak will be longer, I'll keep my fingers crossed and keep trying to manage my stress.

 

[sadwriter]

Recently I'm struggling to keep up with my exercise routine. I often skip the gym because I have to do a lot of overtime recently. I can work 9 AM to 8 PM and then go to the gym when I'm in a good condition, but now I started to feel depressed again, as my problems at work keep tormenting me. I tend to spend too much time on this forum when I'm depressed.
Last week I couldn't exercise because I was sick, but I got better and today I went to the gym.

That's totally understandable– depression makes everything so much harder, and working full time plus hitting the gym can be hard enough when you're doing completely fine, not to mention that you've been sick!! Good on you for making it back the other day, though. How's your exercise routine been going this past week?

@itchygator welcome to the thread! And I'm sorry you got hacked. I feel like social media is overrated, honestly. I had it in the past as well– Instagram, Facebook and Snapchat– but now all I have is an "X, formerly known as Twitter" account for my writing, though I've used it less and less since Elon started changing things. I largely relate to being a loner as well. When your brain works differently than the majority of people's because of mental health stuff and/ or neurodivergence, it definitely makes being alone a lot more appealing. Existing in the world as is can be really alienating.

But @sadwriter is also another amazing writer on the thread.

Aww, thank you! This made me really happy to see the other day :) And what you said about UsagiDrop is certainly true!

Does anybody else hate Mondays like Garfield?

I'm definitely with you on not loathing Mondays like I used to when I had school five days per week. I feel like I just get anxious on whatever my first major day of school/ work is at any given point in time. Back in the spring, Monday was actually my best week day because I had the least going on, so it felt like an extension of the weekend, and I ended up disliking Tuesday more.

I definitely understand the vibe of being glad that things are pretty much the same since it means they're not worse, even though uneventful also doesn't mean good.

I really don't blame you for getting "meaner" if you are, though– it sounds incredibly emotionally exhausting to be working a job like yours, especially if it's causing you so much pain. I'm really sorry that you're in that position and that it's making you feel violated. When you're already dealing with mental health stuff and setting boundaries in your personal life, it's especially grueling to have to be in a job where you can't advocate for yourself and have to cater to clients' needs even when they so harshly oppose what you actually want. I've always found the phrase "good girl" to be incredibly demeaning as well, honestly, so if I were in your position I'd want to punch the client in the face. I think the fact that you're able to mask your feelings well enough to get the job done at all shows a lot of strength, even if you see yourself as "horrible". At the end of the day, a job is a job, and I don't think it's fair to beat yourself up for being unhappy taking care of your clients when it sounds to me like you have every reason to be feeling angry or bitter or whatever it is that you're feeling. You're a human with emotions and agency, and what you're doing sounds really hard, especially given the fact that it requires you to compromise said agency at times.

I also hope that your icy drive was ok...

I'm sorry, but have you met yourself. :) Almost every post you've put here has included some words of encouragement, to lift people's spirits and genuinely be helpful. I can't speak for everyone, but I know I'm certainly glad your here with us.

I second this tenfold!!

Back to ten days sober! I'm completely sober today as well. Some days I try to exist without alcohol or any of my other vices and those are hard days. But staying off the harder drugs has been easier this time around than it was the last. Hopefully this streak will be longer, I'll keep my fingers crossed and keep trying to manage my stress.

Good on you! I hope you're able to keep it up and make this streak longer as well.

Also, @ColorlessTrees I hope you're doing ok! (I've seen you reacting to stuff and wanted to say hi, haha!)


Man, coming back home and getting busier again (slash making progress in recovery) has made me a lot worse at keeping up with the thread! I think this is probably going to be the new norm for me now that I'm not spending 90% of my time lying around on my laptop like I was during the first 3-ish months since joining the site, as bittersweet as it is to not be as active... I guess it is for the best that I don't spend a ton of time on a CTB forum, lol!

My update since last week is that I've had a fuckton more social time (or, at least what feels like a fuckton to me, lol) and just finally had the chance to rest a bit yesterday. I did some laundry and have spent the past couple days continuing to work on my apartment. I'm finally almost done going through all my boxes and only have a couple left!!

I also saw Poor Things yesterday, and ended up discussing it a little with my therapist today since something came up that related to the film. (As a literary/ art nerd, was very fun switching into film theory mode in the middle of my session, haha!) I don't know if anyone's seen it, but the character played by Willem Dafoe is this scientist guy who's constantly negating his emotions by claiming that he's a "man of science" who's above having feelings. I immediately recognized that that was my past self to a TEE (and my current self a lot of the time too, who am I kidding, lol...). I feel like I've always had this desire to be as close to an unfeeling, completely logical & objective, hyper-productive machine as possible, as though that would make me "perfect," though I'm coming to recognize that that supposed ideal is really just a bunch of BS.

Anyway, that's all from me for today. Stay warm, everyone!

 

[lita-lassi]

i need to work out more, im stress drinking and eating, being sober at all sucks, i sort of pushed away someone i care about out of self loathing, i have to file an extension to serve dicknose because he cant be found by the service my lawyer uses, i dont want to keep dealing with anything

 

[UsagiDrop]

I'm finally almost done going through all my boxes and only have a couple left!!

It's really awesome that you're settling in! I know that must be a relief within itself, unpacking is tedious but it can be oddly satisfying. I suppose that's exactly why there are video games about those sorts of things.

I also saw Poor Things yesterday

I've never heard of this, but I'm going to add it to my list of movies to check out. I think I have two or three from this thread so far, heh. I think it's really cool that you can talk about that with your therapist, especially because it's relevant to your life.

being sober at all sucks

I felt this.

But I'm sorry you're going through a rough time at all. You're very strong for still standing through it all. You may have pushed someone away, but you're going through a rough time, so it's understandable that you'd do that. I hope it's not too late to apologize and pull them back in. Thank you for updating us. Hang in there!

I had a pretty decent day today. I slept a ton, drank more than I probably should have but thankfully no more than three drinks, and I had some food that I really liked. Honestly, any day that I'm not working is usually a pretty good day to me.

It's Friday now, by my time. I hope you guys can have a relaxing (or productive) weekend!