"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[venin]

Since my last post yesterday, I could not find what was up from what was down. I feel as if this all could take me to non-existence, if that makes any sense.
A strong feeling of doubt came over me, and I'm trying to remember what the first resolve felt like. It feels strange to already not remember anything.
I cannot find it in me, maybe only for today, to have energy to thoughtfully and genuinely reply to others.

Best wishes for others, take care.

I feel you

 

[venin]

Hi guys

Todays has also been a shitty day for me, but somehow managed to not lose all hope.
Tomorrow I'm gonna do some stuff I love hoping that will increase my drive and my joie de vivre.

I wish you the opposite of what I'm going through.

Take care!

 

[BurgundySnap]

Hello,

Today, I experienced a childhood memory flashback that nearly make me want to give up everything.
It felt so hopeless, and I want to one day be in a place where it can be looked back on without this soul crushing feeling.
My nerves are acting up recently, making typing difficult and increasingly slow. I still want to persevere if I can.

Please take care, wishing you the best

 

[CTBookOfLife]

Been feeling hopeless but my heart just leaped.

Where I live may have overturned the rule that made it impossible for me to get testosterone. This pushes me so much farther to get better. I can look like me, I can get facial hair!!

 

[HighFlight]

Had a crappy day today - feel like shit (hoping it's not COVID) and it m8ght mean I have to postpone my ketamine session tomorrow.

Hopefully, everyone else had a better day than I did.

 

[Draxolotl]

Ahoy. First time here. Last attempt was in June. the MCOT was supposed to dispatch to do an assessment with me today and flaked on me. Hoping to find support through community, if you'll have me.

 

[heavyeyes]

Hey everyone. Not much to report with me today.

I finally got some halfway decent sleep after a few nights of only sleeping an hour or two.

I hope everyone is doing ok today

 

[Draxolotl]

i suppose for me, I vow to see the 45 years that my doctor promised me with my initial diagnosis.

i want to challenge my thinking that because I am disabled that i've been put away and out of the mind. I want to start taking my medicine regularly again.
At this point in my life, at the cusp of 30 and living alone, I don't have many external forces that cause me distress, which I'm glad of. I want to be able to clean my home and find peace before i do reach that deadline. I want to meet that like a challenger. I want to have the courage to fight it.

 

[CTBookOfLife]

Probably gunna pass out soon. My mom said I could have a happy, stress-free day, wish me luck that stays true and she keeps her promise. My body is healing, even though I'm nauseated and anxious and tired, my appetite is back and I don't feel mentally like shit.

I love you guys. You guys really saved me, saved us. If you ever need a reason to stay alive, remember how you are saving us, a body that houses the minds of around a thousand people. <3

 

[venin]

Hello,

Today, I experienced a childhood memory flashback that nearly make me want to give up everything.
It felt so hopeless, and I want to one day be in a place where it can be looked back on without this soul crushing feeling.
My nerves are acting up recently, making typing difficult and increasingly slow. I still want to persevere if I can.

Please take care, wishing you the best

I feel those soulcrushing feelings a lot.

I wish we didn't knew them

You too @BurgundySnap . One day at a time

More like one hour at a time for me now

Been feeling hopeless but my heart just leaped.

Where I live may have overturned the rule that made it impossible for me to get testosterone. This pushes me so much farther to get better. I can look like me, I can get facial hair!!

That's awesome!

Good luck with it!!

Had a crappy day today - feel like shit (hoping it's not COVID) and it m8ght mean I have to postpone my ketamine session tomorrow.

Hopefully, everyone else had a better day than I did.

Ty for the good thoughts

I'm sorry for the crappy situation but you'll get through it. You have strenght and wisdom and patience

You're gonna bounce back before you know it

Ahoy. First time here. Last attempt was in June. the MCOT was supposed to dispatch to do an assessment with me today and flaked on me. Hoping to find support through community, if you'll have me.

Welcome on board bro/sis

Happy to have you here

Hey everyone. Not much to report with me today.

I finally got some halfway decent sleep after a few nights of only sleeping an hour or two.

I hope everyone is doing ok today

It's good that you got a slightly better sleep

Well, we're still here

I hope your days get a little better

Take care

i suppose for me, I vow to see the 45 years that my doctor promised me with my initial diagnosis.

i want to challenge my thinking that because I am disabled that i've been put away and out of the mind. I want to start taking my medicine regularly again.
At this point in my life, at the cusp of 30 and living alone, I don't have many external forces that cause me distress, which I'm glad of. I want to be able to clean my home and find peace before i do reach that deadline. I want to meet that like a challenger. I want to have the courage to fight it.

We're so glad to have you here

I wish you manage to do all the things that bring you joy and happiness and all the things you set your mind to.

Happy days and good luck!

Probably gunna pass out soon. My mom said I could have a happy, stress-free day, wish me luck that stays true and she keeps her promise. My body is healing, even though I'm nauseated and anxious and tired, my appetite is back and I don't feel mentally like shit.

I love you guys. You guys really saved me, saved us. If you ever need a reason to stay alive, remember how you are saving us, a body that houses the minds of around a thousand people. <3

So happy to hear that

Thank you for the compliments. My heart felt warm reading them

We love you too




Guys, I wanna remind you some important stuff out here:

• we are all equal here no matter what you do or say. I want us to feel like a family here. Even if you already have that some of us, including me, don't. We have to have a space where we can feel safe and seen and appreciated and supported and even loved

• you can write here whenever you feel like a useless bag of thrash sitting in the sun. I think that's the best moment you should write us. Not just the daily check-in posts.
Or even better, when you're on cloud9, maybe you'll inspire the rest of us to be on a cloud1 at least

• giving up is so very natural as is thinking about CTB-ing. Healing and recovery are tough motherfuckers and you can't just snap your fingers and reach them. So you can show us those moments too, tell us, ask our opinios, just ask to be contained and to validate your pain, or your recent fall. Anything

• I still HIGHLY encourage writing the pact and the daily post regarding how you've been and how was your day, but,

IF YOU'RE IN A BAD PLACE AND YOU CAN't OR JUST DON'T WANNA DO THOSE THINGS RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE MORE THAN WELCOME & WANTED & APRECIATED HERE

That being said, (when I can) I will also write you a good morning message.


Good morning to you darlings

I wish you an incredible day and may we recover the fastest we can possibly imagine!

XO

 

[CTBookOfLife]

Hello,

Today, I experienced a childhood memory flashback that nearly make me want to give up everything.
It felt so hopeless, and I want to one day be in a place where it can be looked back on without this soul crushing feeling.
My nerves are acting up recently, making typing difficult and increasingly slow. I still want to persevere if I can.

Please take care, wishing you the best

Recently I got something similar. A full-feeling, full-pain, explicit and very lucid flashback to CSA that I was aware happened, just not to that extent.

We wish YOU all the best, stay safe.

 

[venin]

Recently I got something similar. A full-feeling, full-pain, explicit and very lucid flashback to CSA that I was aware happened, just not to that extent.

We wish YOU all the best, stay safe.

You hope you managed to get through it

Take care

 

[venin]

Heya guys

Today wasn't that awful. I mean there were really hard times when I hated everything but they eventually passed.

I didn't get to do the things I love today, I'm gonna do them tomorrow, but I did a thing that really made me feel lighter and filled me with love, happiness and a lot of other great feelings.
I wrote a post (on the other side) about some thoughts that I had regarding all of you here and there, I expressed my feelings and that made me feel a lot of hope and desire to live, to keep going, to pursue love and frienship and my other dreams.

So, I'm really glad you're all here, really glad you're giving yourselves a chance, I am glad you're putting the effort and not giving up and I'm grateful to be part of this little haven we are creating.

Have a good day, night, wherever you are and I hope from the bottom of my heart we will be able to get to the other side.

 

[Draxolotl]

checking in today. was able to pick up my medications at the pharmacy.
insurance wasn't charged for one of my meds. annoying, but not a world ending schenario.
MCOT called me back and let me know she was on a call until 11pm yesterday and that she didn't mean to flake and she still cares about me. She's gen X and doesn't really understand queer struggles and anxieties, but she still tries to be an ally and advocate.
feeling better, in general. going to be able to take my meds and HRT for the first time this month.

 

[HighFlight]

Hey all,

Felt a little better today and was able to have my ketamine therapy session. It was a weird trip which I'll detail in a separate thread I've been keeping about my ketamine experience.

I hope everyone else had a good day. Peace.

 

[venin]

checking in today. was able to pick up my medications at the pharmacy.
insurance wasn't charged for one of my meds. annoying, but not a world ending schenario.
MCOT called me back and let me know she was on a call until 11pm yesterday and that she didn't mean to flake and she still cares about me. She's gen X and doesn't really understand queer struggles and anxieties, but she still tries to be an ally and advocate.
feeling better, in general. going to be able to take my meds and HRT for the first time this month.

What's MCOT?

Yassss I'm really glad you feel betttter♥

Hey all,

Felt a little better today and was able to have my ketamine therapy session. It was a weird trip which I'll detail in a separate thread I've been keeping about my ketamine experience.

I hope everyone else had a good day. Peace.

Congrats on doing it. Takes balls to go deep + taking ketamine

Kudos!


Fuck me this was an ok day

I never thought I'd be so happy to have an okay day but then again I never thought of a lot of things and they still happened

So, I did the things I love, went kinda bad-ish until one point then it changed and now I'm happy. Got some motivation and some precedent for my brain juices to acknowledge

I'm also happy I'm slowly starting to work with my denials and self-deceit regarding a lot of truly important subjects.

+ a little more confidence

I hope I infest you with my joy

Take care

 

[Draxolotl]

@venin
What's MCOT?

It's the Mobile Crisis Outreach Team. They're on call for crisis dispatch to do assessments for hospitalization, helping with coping skills at home, and court
Today was good. my meds had me sleep REALLY long. Slept until 2:30pm.
a new episode of Ghost Files came out and it was fun. I bought some water and a couple cans of chili.
Last night Greg ((my leachieanus gecko)) drank a lot from a bottle cap and seemed happy. He made little greg sounds at me, and that made me happy.
pic of him attached.

 

[HighFlight]

Mobile Crisis Outreach Team

Interesting, I don't think we have one in our area. I know a couple years ago when our cops decided to pepper spray a 9 year old girl, they talked about putting a mobile mental health response unit together. But I'm not sure they made it out of the planning stage. I'm going to research.

Overall, my day was pretty good. Finally got a doctor to prescribe stimulants for my ADHD, and I haven't been able to try them yet due to being sick. Today, I was able to give then a try and there was a noticeable difference. This next week at work will be more telling.

 

[venin]

@venin
What's MCOT?

It's the Mobile Crisis Outreach Team. They're on call for crisis dispatch to do assessments for hospitalization, helping with coping skills at home, and court
Today was good. my meds had me sleep REALLY long. Slept until 2:30pm.
a new episode of Ghost Files came out and it was fun. I bought some water and a couple cans of chili.
Last night Greg ((my leachieanus gecko)) drank a lot from a bottle cap and seemed happy. He made little greg sounds at me, and that made me happy.
pic of him attached.

Aaah, ok.

Glad to hear that it was good

He's simply adorable

"Greg sounds"

 

[venin]

I just hate it when it happens. You manage to pull yourself out of the mud, see some sun, "know" it's only gonna get better from here and then 4 6 7 hours or a day or two, out of nowhere you just start to fall. You try your best to not let that happen yet it does… so here you are back to square 1, or even worse, like someone erased all the progress and you're just an empty page again…

It's so bad. So discouraging

This is the worst illness on earth. I wish I had never been born than live something like this. It just sucks all the life and vital force out of you. I can't swear anymore…
I'm exhausted.

Hoping yours was better

Take care

 

[Draxolotl]

Greg is doing well today. seems happy, so I'm happy for him.
Checked my cpu core temps, they were 88 degrees and that put me in a panic until i messed with my settings and saw that I was using F instead of C; oops
missed an event I was looking forwards to bc my meds made me sleep really long, but the person I was going to do it with wants to have tea together tomorrow.
My wizard hat with Cowboy hat brim project is going EXCELLENT!! I just need to crochet a hat band. Feeling really good.

 

[venin]

Greg is doing well today. seems happy, so I'm happy for him.
Checked my cpu core temps, they were 88 degrees and that put me in a panic until i messed with my settings and saw that I was using F instead of C; oops
missed an event I was looking forwards to bc my meds made me sleep really long, but the person I was going to do it with wants to have tea together tomorrow.
My wizard hat with Cowboy hat brim project is going EXCELLENT!! I just need to crochet a hat band. Feeling really good.

Happy for you

 

[venin]

Hey guys

Daily checking-in

How are you? How's your day?

Mine was tough af but in the afternoon it became slightly more bearable. I will keep myself busier in the future because the intrusive thoughts and feelings are becoming way too much.

As you've seen, @Dot changed the name of the thread. The reason for this is that it would also be available for people who still intend on ctb-ing but want to feel slightly better and need support throughout their daily life until their departure. The thread is only here for support, community, advice, etc. It's not meant to influence anybody in any way. If someone decides to go, it's their decision. If they decide to recover, it's their decision as well. If someone changes their mind, it's perfectly ok and understandable and will still be welcome here no matter what he\she decides.

It's about being here for each other, holding space for each other, emphatise with each other, supporting and helping one another.

Take care and good luck on whatever you're doing

P.S. The thread will also be pinned in the Suicide part of the forum so everyone can have access to it

 

[Aergia]

hey :)

How are you? How's your day?

kinda sucky, I'm currently writing tests (ig they're midterms?) only i struggle to study and my ideation's pretty high atm so i can't bring myself to even care about failing them. but in doing so i'm just decreasing my chances of getting to where i want to be in life assuming i don't ctb first

As you've seen, @Dot changed the name of the thread. The reason for this is that it would also be available for people who still intend on ctb-ing but want to feel slightly better and need support throughout their daily life until their departure. The thread is only here for support, community, advice, etc. It's not meant to influence anybody in any way. If someone decides to go, it's their decision. If they decide to recover, it's their decision as well. If someone changes their mind, it's perfectly ok and understandable and will still be welcome here no matter what he\she decides.

I actually really appreciate the name change. I personally don't know how to feel about participating in recovery threads because i'm honestly far from committed to recovery. but as long as i'm here i would like to feel a little better.

I do think it's a good idea to keep yourself busy, so the intrusive thoughts and feelings don't overwhelm you. and i wish you luck with whatever you're up to, too— and with not letting those intrusive thoughts get the best of you

 

[アホペンギン]

What your take on this? Should we make one?

Good idea.

 

[BurgundySnap]

Hello,

My nerves are somewhat worse, and moving my hands and limbs is difficult. I don't have anxieties that can make my hands twitch, so I want to find ways to stop the twitching temporarily to type.
I feel between a calmness with my perception of the world, and a creeping despair at the deteriorating state of my nerves. Just like typing, as long as I take my time, I will surely get where I have to go. I don't know if it is the calmness or the despair saying that, however.

Take care

 

[bluesoapyskies]

id like to, lets do it

 

[BurgundySnap]

Welcome, @jar-baby and @bluesoapyskies

Hoping your time here grants you any better feelings, and an openness to be as you are. Wishing you the best.

 

[venin]

hey :)

kinda sucky, I'm currently writing tests (ig they're midterms?) only i struggle to study and my ideation's pretty high atm so i can't bring myself to even care about failing them. but in doing so i'm just decreasing my chances of getting to where i want to be in life assuming i don't ctb first

I actually really appreciate the name change. I personally don't know how to feel about participating in recovery threads because i'm honestly far from committed to recovery. but as long as i'm here i would like to feel a little better.

I do think it's a good idea to keep yourself busy, so the intrusive thoughts and feelings don't overwhelm you. and i wish you luck with whatever you're up to, too— and with not letting those intrusive thoughts get the best of you

Glad you're here

I'm glad you felt welcome, that's what I had in mind

Wishing you the best with your mid-terms

Good idea.

You're more whan welcome here & also writing the vow if you want

Take care

id like to, lets do it

Welcome

Welcome, @jar-baby and @bluesoapyskies

Hoping your time here grants you any better feelings, and an openness to be as you are. Wishing you the best.

Hello,

My nerves are somewhat worse, and moving my hands and limbs is difficult. I don't have anxieties that can make my hands twitch, so I want to find ways to stop the twitching temporarily to type.
I feel between a calmness with my perception of the world, and a creeping despair at the deteriorating state of my nerves. Just like typing, as long as I take my time, I will surely get where I have to go. I don't know if it is the calmness or the despair saying that, however.

Take care

I'm sorry to hear that dear friend. How are you now? Is it a little better?

It seems we've had some rough days. @HighFlight55 is also not feeling that great.

I hope we get to feel better

Talk to you soon

 

[Draxolotl]

missed checking in yesterday, was working overtime.
cried at the doctor's office and suddenly she was significantly more compassionate in care, so a plus, but embarassing..kind of tears that well up and spill without sobbing.
Haven't slept since sunday. was hallucinating last night; shadow figures passing my doorway and hearing voices and music. Really distressed. Gunna lay down and order groceries so I can eat later.
accidentally trauma dumped on a friend, though it seemed to really put things into perspective why "All days come to an end. Good ones and bad. But when the bad ones end, they pave the way for good ones. Just gotta do what you can, keep on rolling, and the good days will come sooner then you think" isn't particularly inspiring to me.
like, i live in extreme isolation. sometimes go 3 or more days without seeing another human physically, and it's been proven to cause significant damage to the psyche, and then i have the disabled shit on top of it.
started developing negative symptoms of schizophrenia at 13 years old.
first was flat affect. i was physically unable to make facial expressions. I didnt learn how to smile until I was 22
but at the same time, I'm just so fucking burnt out from having to be disabled every single day.
this isnt fun or very cool or like uwu special, and I'm REALLY kinda fed up with folks treating mental health like a magic power or gift.
I do not "see angles uwu" or "hear the guiding voices of my ancestors" I'm tired and cranky and see distressing visions that act more like a nuisance because I understand they're not real because I'm not stupid nor brainwashed by local religion.
It's a chore.