Introduce yourself

[meaningisgone]

Hi, I'm Chloe. Long time lurker, finally decided to make a profile yesterday. Almost 25 years old, been diagnosed with bipolar II, depression, and anxiety. Not currently taking medication for any of that, self medicate with alcohol mostly. Like others have mentioned, I too am very bad at holding down a job, and will soon be without a home in an unfamiliar part of America with no nearby family, friends, or income. This, and the heartbreak I still feel regarding the break up with my ex, a man twice my age I was with for over four years, are my two main stressors, though the break up happened almost three years ago...truly believe I'll never love like that again and it saddens me so much. Tired of embarrassing myself in front of people I know irl, so happy to have this forum as an outlet. Hi.

I relate to the sadness of believing that I'll never experience love like I have in the past. I genuinely feel that my heart has been through too much for that to even be possible. I just can't unsee and unexperience some things that changed my heart and my capacity to surrender to loving and being loved in that way. I don't know if that makes sense. But yeah, being homeless without family, friends, or income can be so terrifying. I'm close to being in a similar boat. Anyway, Chloe, nice to meet you and I wish you the best (whatever form that may take).

 

[Raggas]

I'm Tom and I don't have any friends. But it's nice to be in a place where I can relate to people like this.

Been on all medications in the book, right now on Lithium. It's good to be here.

Did you watch Montage as Heck? SO good.

I've never seen it, am I missing out?

 

[Chlo]

I relate to the sadness of believing that I'll never experience love like I have in the past. I genuinely feel that my heart has been through too much for that to even be possible. I just can't unsee and unexperience some things that changed my heart and my capacity to surrender to loving and being loved in that way. I don't know if that makes sense. But yeah, being homeless without family, friends, or income can be so terrifying. I'm close to being in a similar boat. Anyway, Chloe, nice to meet you and I wish you the best (whatever form that may take).

Thank you for your kind message. I wasn't in contact with him for years, and now we (kind of) are? It's a bit of a mind game. He is brilliant. Crocodile tears. Stereotypical sociopath. I told him this outright a few weeks ago, he said hes been told that all his life. Hm. On the homeless front, I think I will be able to figure out something. I'll stay with an aquaintance for a bit. I'm worried about my cat, she stays with me. She'll be allright. I do see myself loving like that again, it is the only thing that helps, is to believe that. As stupid and corny as that sounds. I think, honestly. An open heart helps. And hurts. Blah

 

[ririka]

Hi, I'm a 19 year old girl from Europe. I have been struggling with mental illness since I was 14. I had an attempt two years ago and I planned to hang myself inside the closet today (which is kind of funny because I'm gay lol), but a text from my best friend a few hours before I could have gotten to doing it made me so sentimental that I felt like I couldn't betray him like that. Not yet at least.
I love him so much, he's the only thing keeping me from killing myself. I don't think I'm capable of loving my parents anymore, even though they are really good to me and always have been.
I hate being alive, I cannot take the pressure of school, but I also couldn't take the pressure of not going to school. Everything hurts and I'm desperately looking for a way out. That's why I'm on this website. Maybe sooner or later I will have both the courage to kill myself, and a suitable time and place to kill myself.
The girl I love has recently left me.
Living with depression is so embarrassing. I relate to Yozo from the book No Longer Human quite a lot.
Thank you for reading.

 

[TheCrow]

I've never seen it, am I missing out?

Omg, yes—if you love or even like Kurt, you have to see it! It tells his whole life story with interviews from family and friends, recordings of him, old childhood pictures and videos, etc.

 

[leaps]

Omg, yes—if you love or even like Kurt, you have to see it! It tells his whole life story with interviews from family and friends, recordings of him, old childhood pictures and videos, etc.

Thanks for sharing! Know where I might find this online?

 

[TheCrow]

Thanks for sharing! Know where I might find this online?

Try this:
https://ihavenotv.com/kurt-cobain-montage-of-heck

 

[favourite]

I should've made this post before anything else, but I never do things in a correct order, so.
I'm 29 and gay, I live in Europe in a place where living is hard and dying (with dignity) even harder.
I talk with, like, 3 people overall, work in a dead end job, blow every penny I have on insignificant things.
Got no friends or love, but got depression instead.
Came here to find some suicide pals, the way normal people find drinking buddies.

 

[Idorus]

Omg, yes—if you love or even like Kurt, you have to see it! It tells his whole life story with interviews from family and friends, recordings of him, old childhood pictures and videos, etc.

That is a great one yeah + unplugged new york as his latest performance.

 

[sweet17sour29]

Hello. I'm a girl from New Zealand.
I'm very lonely. Alcohol helps most of the time, but nights like tonight when I'm sober are pretty rough.
I legitimately believe after the initial shock of my death, people will realise it was the best for both of us.

 

[meaningisgone]

Hello. I'm a girl from New Zealand.
I'm very lonely. Alcohol helps most of the time, but nights like tonight when I'm sober are pretty rough.
I legitimately believe after the initial shock of my death, people will realise it was the best for both of us.

I lean towards believing that my death will work out in favor of those I leave behind. I mean, rationally, that has to be true. And I am so used to thinking about dying, that it's not a big deal to me anymore. But I am pretty sure that those I'd leave behind don't agree with me. I am still inclined to think they might feel SOME relief that they don't have to be burdened by me anymore, but some of them would probably not ever admit that consciously.

Sorry for making your post about me. Just my way of relating to what you said.

 

[sweet17sour29]

I lean towards believing that my death will work out in favor of those I leave behind. I mean, rationally, that has to be true. And I am so used to thinking about dying, that it's not a big deal to me anymore. But I am pretty sure that those I'd leave behind don't agree with me. I am still inclined to think they might feel SOME relief that they don't have to be burdened by me anymore, but some of them would probably not ever admit that consciously.

Sorry for making your post about me. Just my way of relating to what you said.

I get where you're coming from 100%. It's so normalised in my head now, I guess it is in most of ours.

 

[meaningisgone]

That's the oddly refreshing paradox of these forums. Since the topic is so normalized here and we can discuss it freely, well I can't speak for other people, but for me this discourse creates some space and relieves some tension in my mind and is probably the most therapeutic part of my life right now.

 

[mpti]

I guess I should do one of these

I'm a young guy living in the eastern US, and I've basically been a loser my whole life. I just lack the ability to be a truly normal person, someone who can stay mentally stable, make friends, and generally be a fully functional human being.

I have a method available to me which seems to have a good chance of working if done right, but I don't want to get caught/fail and I'm still concerned about the affect it would have on my family. But I just don't see myself making it for 30+ more years and outliving my parents, and potentially having to live until I'm an old man to outlast my brother, if at all(he's just 3 years older than me). And by then I might have finally found a girl(lol) and had kids which could just be worse. But most likely I'd still be a loser in the next few decades and would cause my family nothing but pain and disappointment.

I used to go on SS back in the summer of 2017, but then I attempted, got myself caught and went to the hospital for a week which pushed me off for a bit. I've known about this place for a while but I only started lurking heavily in the past couple days. And I guess I'm very grateful that there's such a kind, loving community out there that allows people to discuss this stuff without judgement, hotline spamming, etc.

 

[ForgetAboutMe]

Hey all.

Noticed a lot of threads pop up with new members saying hey. To reduce clutter we have decided to make a welcome thread for everyone new to introduce themselves and for people to welcome them, basically merging all future welcome posts into this one.

So please post your introductions here. We will remove any welcome thread going forward from this date and redirect users to welcome themselves here or merge their thread into this one.

If you spot a welcome thread, please report it, you won't get in trouble... we just want less clutter. Thank you!

With that, welcome to Sanctioned Suicide, we're a pro-choice forum; make sure to read the rules and check the resource sticky out too!

Rules: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/rules-and-faq.4
Resource sticky: https://www.sanctionedsuicide.net/threads/list-of-resources.3/

Hello, I'm just a guy who couldn't find a purpose for being in this world. Smart enough to know how stupid I am & done enough bad to not feel sorry for myself. Im tired, defeated, and extremely closed off. 22yr old.

 

[Kyrok]

Hello @ForgetAboutMe. Welcome to death's door.

 

[ForgetAboutMe]

Hello @ForgetAboutMe. Welcome to death's door.

Hello. Happy to be here! Apparently 22 is underage so I'm looking for advice on how to avoid the bouncers and sneak in. I expect i can get a permanent reservation once inside.

 

[Kyrok]

Hello. Happy to be here! Apparently 22 is underage so I'm looking for advice on how to avoid the bouncers and sneak in. I expect i can get a permanent reservation once inside.

The Mods recently set an age of 18 requirement. So 22 is fine.
When I was 22, let's see, I was about to graduate college and move on to grad school. That was a brief window of hope for me. I'm always saddened to see people suicidal around that age.

 

[ForgetAboutMe]

I'm sorry that saddens you, really. This is a sad kind of site though tbh lol

 

[Kyrok]

An irony is that while I see being under 25 as still having so much potential for positive life-changes, given how my life has turned out, suicide in my 20s would have been the right choice.

 

[Boochky]

Welcome, all who are new to SS.

I'm 40 in California. I was diagnosed bipolar 1 at 20. My meds have always been tough to take but I had to because my mom wouldn't let me live with her or support me while I got on disability. So, I had to work and I also put myself through school. I gained triple digit weight in the meantime.

I do ok with work as long as it's a healthy environment, but that's hard to find. The happiest 7 years of my life were at a tech company I loved with a great CEO. But they sold and then everything deteriorated.

I'm like the canary in the corporate coalmine. I'm like a year ahead of the organization. I sense things getting toxic before others. Then I end up stressed, in the hospital, or let go. I don't want to do it again.

I have many blessings and I feel badly chucking them in the river. But, this world is pay to play and the people around me either can't or won't help with that. And most of them are not working to change it.

I don't want to hurt people but they're not helping me not not help them.

Anyway, I really wanted the exit bag, but it's complicated with the gas and I'm a buffoon at that technical stuff. I liked the idea of SN but it seems uncertain as to how peaceful it is. I'm going to try for N. Probably SN if I can't.

 

[ForgetAboutMe]

Welcome, all who are new to SS.

I'm 40 in California. I was diagnosed bipolar 1 at 20. My meds have always been tough to take but I had to because my mom wouldn't let me live with her or support me while I got on disability. So, I had to work and I also put myself through school. I gained triple digit weight in the meantime.

I do ok with work as long as it's a healthy environment, but that's hard to find. The happiest 7 years of my life were at a tech company I loved with a great CEO. But they sold and then everything deteriorated.

I'm like the canary in the corporate coalmine. I'm like a year ahead of the organization. I sense things getting toxic before others. Then I end up stressed, in the hospital, or let go. I don't want to do it again.

I have many blessings and I feel badly chucking them in the river. But, this world is pay to play and the people around me either can't or won't help with that. And most of them are not working to change it.

I don't want to hurt people but they're not helping me not not help them.

Anyway, I really wanted the exit bag, but it's complicated with the gas and I'm a buffoon at that technical stuff. I liked the idea of SN but it seems uncertain as to how peaceful it is. I'm going to try for N. Probably SN if I can't.

My hearts with you, goodluck and see you on the other side.

 

[Boochky]

@ForgetAboutMe Aw thanks. You're sweet.

 

[ForgetAboutMe]

@ForgetAboutMe Aw thanks. You're sweet.

In small doses only lol, at my core I'm bitter AF but thanks

 

[Cookiedough8956]

Hi, 22 yr old female here
Suffering from depression, moderate-severe anxiety, and possible agoraphobia along with battling an eating disorder. Very fun.
I'm here cause I'm messed up and no one understands amd no one gives a crap. I wanna CTB soon, just need a sense of belonging somewhere before hand..

 

[justabouttobedone]

I'm 22 y.o. I have been struggling with major depression and severe anxiety for about ten years. About to be dropped out of the college and preparing to enter a new one. Got treatment for 2 years, left treatment 2 months ago. Meds fucked me up, hoping to recover. Attempted once, not thinking doing it again for now. I gave myself a year to recover and start being useful. If I mess everything up again, my next birth day will be my last day. I am a burden to my family, and I can't take it anymore. I just want to leave the past behind, open a clear page in my life.

 

[Boochky]

Welcome @Cookiedough8956 and @justabouttobedone!

Sorry to hear what you're dealing with. Hope you both find support here.

 

[Jacquelyn]

Life was pretty great for a while. I ended up getting into pills because of panic attacks and dissociation. My father and I figured we could sell them to help pay for bills/food. But these pills eventually sent my friends to the hospital and I got in a lot of trouble.
It was a first offense, is a non-violent charge, and I was still very young.
I havent went to court yet and I'm terrified to go to prison. In my state, they throw all felons in the same place. A kid who sold some drugs is going in the same cell as rapists and murderers.
I can't risk that. Sure, I could do 6 months and probably come out fine, but the maximum sentence is 60 years. I'd rather just die.
But I think I'm going to wait and talk to my attorney, see if they think I have any chance of avoiding time. If so, I'll probably stay. I've also discovered suicide is not as easy as it seems. This keeps me on the fence for now. I'm still not sure what I want to do.

 

[Deathsrelease]

Hi, 22 yr old female here
Suffering from depression, moderate-severe anxiety, and possible agoraphobia along with battling an eating disorder. Very fun.
I'm here cause I'm messed up and no one understands amd no one gives a crap. I wanna CTB soon, just need a sense of belonging somewhere before hand..

Hey. I saw you also post in the Partners thread. I'm also in Nyc. I'm 27, gay male. I have suffered from major depression and OCD since I was around 16. Life has been a long sad state of affairs for me. Also been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder in '17. I'm just a big mental fuck-up. Lol. But it's okIl because I have made the conscious decision to leave this world. Don't know when it will happen, but it will happen sooner or later. (If you haven't, check out my post in that other thread).

 

[Cookiedough8956]

Hey. I saw you also post in the Partners thread. I'm also in Nyc. I'm 27, gay male. I have suffered from major depression and OCD since I was around 16. Life has been a long sad state of affairs for me. Also been diagnosed with bi-polar disorder in '17. I'm just a big mental fuck-up. Lol. But it's okIl because I have made the conscious decision to leave this world. Don't know when it will happen, but it will happen sooner or later. (If you haven't, check out my post in that other thread).

Oh nice! (I mean not ur suffering lol) i think i did see you? Im jot quite sure havent really scrolled thru, i posted it at work. Funny.