Hello!
I have been registered here for a month, but only now I got the courage to introduce myself. I am very sorry that my English is bad and does not allow me to communicate more with such wonderful people as you, guys. Therefore, I mostly read, but do not write on SS. If you only knew how many hours I spent crying over your stories, laughing at your witty jokes, admiring your courage and kindness. This place is the best and most comfortable that I have seen. And you are the most responsive, understanding and supportive people. This world will lose so much if any of you leaves it. But who cares about the world. The only thing that matters is for each of you to find peace and happiness.
I am a 32-year-old female from Eastern Europe. I often identify myself as a lesbian, but in fact I am a monogamous pansexual who was unlucky to fall in love with a woman. I have a borderline personality disorder that was recently diagnosed, but it has manifested itself throughout my life. I always knew that something was wrong with me, probably it was something genetic. Despite the fact that I had an ideal loving family, I hated kids from my childhood, and I always knew that I would never be a mother and I would not have an ordinary family. If I met a good guy who really cared about me, something in my head told me "run away" and I did.
I was always very afraid of being abandoned, I was afraid that my parents would die, that close people would leave me. From adolescence I realized that I would prefer to never be born, and every year my thoughts about suicide increased. Even when I was young and had many friends, had fun and traveled a lot, everytime I dreamed that my plane would crash, or my car would get into accident, or each suspicious person on the street would be a murderer. But I never seriously planned my suicide, because I knew that it would hurt my mom, who was the best person in the world.
I never knew who I am, what I want to do in my life, not a single job brought me satisfaction, not a single hobby could interest me for a long time, I led a useless meaningless life until I met her.
She became everything to me - the meaning of my life, my angel, my best friend, my lover, my reason to wake up in the morning. I understand that it was wrong to lay so much on one person, but I could not do anything.
On the one hand, she took care of me more than anyone, she was kind and gentle with me, she never said a single bad word, but on the other hand from the very beginning she made it clear that I would never be in first place for her. Her family, job, friends or something else were always more important than me. We lived together for more than 5 years, we were a family, we planned to grow old together, but all this time she let me know that I was not good enough for her, not beautiful enough, not smart enough, I didn't make enough money and so on. She considered me hysterical, she thought that I did not give her enough freedom. I became increasingly aware of my dependence on her and the fact that I am unhappy with a person who loves me less. I have repeatedly warned her to let me go, but she did not agree, although I felt that the end was near. Then my mom died of cancer. My spouse did not even come to the funeral to support me, she preferred to go to work, and on the very first day after the funeral she went to visit her parents, leaving me alone with my grief. Two months later, she left me, accusing me of not allowing her to have a normal family and children.
I lost the only two anchors that tied me to life. The point is not that I can't go through the heartsick of these losses, I just don't want to, I'm exhausted and I don't see any opportunity for me to lead a meaningful happy life. At the moment I have no depression, SS makes my days better. The sole purpose of my existence now is the preparation of my CTB and the expectation of my N. from A.
Please forgive me for the plenty of text and for my terrible English. Thanks to everyone who was able to get to the end.
I love the SS community and I'm very glad to be here with you, my friends!
