Introduce yourself

[LostInLife]

Welcome!

I was going to send you a PM, but you are still too new to send and receive them. Like you, I am also 52 and a caregiver (along with my brother) for my bedridden mother. Ctb is sort of a tradition in my family as well -- my grandmother and a great-uncle ctb. I first seriously considered ctb when I was 16, and again when I was 19, 21, 37 and 51 (a few months ago). I have managed to keep myself from ctb so far, but I keep thinking that I will ctb after Mom dies and I have published the novel that I have been working on. Once you have contributed a bit more to the forums, I intend to PM you and tell you more.

Thanks. Nice to meet you. I read your intro as well.
It's nice that you have family helping you. I'm an only child so... and there's no other family. (Both of her brothers have passed.)
Interesting you mention a novel. I've always wanted to write one. (I have a Bachelors in Lit/Creative writing)
Look forward to your PM.

 

[Pointlesslife]

Hi everyone. I joined this forum mostly so that I can have a method on hand to use at any time because my life just feels dumb. I'm really not able to make it into anything. useful and it feels very void of what a human life is suppose to be. Every moment feels pointless to me and I'm not able to make my life into anything useful. I feel like a pawn in life and my family doesn't really care.

So I don't see what's the point in living it, but there is some hope and I'm not immediately suicidal. I also want to consider other options to make life worthwhile. I'm the type that wants to make good profits in forex or kill myself.

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

Hello.
I'm from Israel.
I found this place googling how to make hydrogen cyanide out of apricots. Didn't expect it to be made out of fruit, out of all things. It feels weird. I've read the rules, but still not sure how much of my filters I can drop here. The most unconventional - the topic of suicide is certainly a big one.

I'm epileptic. According to google, 11% of epileptics ctb every year. Can't say I blame them. I've googled a lot on the subject, strangely, this place never came up until now. I'm guessing the encoding of certain topics helps. I still have a small glimmer of hope, though. My one last shot.

I came here for some help in case it fails.

 

[52shriek]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and I was glad to find this forum after the one where I was sometimes active was shut down.

I'm a 40 yo female from Europe, been suffering from severe depression since age 11, and it keeps coming back in more frequent, stronger waves.
I've had a shitty childhood with dysfunctional people, not to the point where abuse could be reported back then, but mostly neglect, a complete lack of grasp on reality on my parents' part, then many times I was told to my face that I wasn't wanted and that they were so much better off without me (sweet considering my mother got pregnant only to force my father to stay with her). Those are repeated slaps in the face that haunt me, always.

I did good studies and have a great academic track record, so they can't say I'm a disappointment to them.

I've done cool things in my life, I've travelled etc, but I'm tired, so tired....... For over a year now I've been robbed of what little energy I had left, plus I've been plagued for decades by an addiction to sleeping pills that has made my life unmanageable. I live as a recluse, dwelling on my bitterness over everything I wanted to achieve and never had the energy or confidence for.

For a while I managed to keep afloat thanks to work, but now I'm incapable of working, I stay in bed all day and zone out.
I guess my dilemma is an old one: don't necessarily want to die, but certainly don't want to live, and at some point you have to realize it's the same thing though.

I've tried lots of medication, I've tried regular therapy etc etc, but it takes some will to live to engage in therapeutic activities to increase your will to live, right?

I bought powdered n from a Chinese source years ago and eventually only used it as sleeping medication. It's been opened for a year now so I won't try to ctb with it. I'll be looking for another source here.

Nice to meet you all and thank you for accepting me, and reading this.

 

[Dead Meat]

Welcome to the forum 52shriek

 

[52shriek]

Thank you kindly. This looks like a very welcoming place and I hope I'll have the energy to get to know ye all a bit more... Right now I guzzle sleeping meds (non lethal) to sleep as much as possible. Living in my bed ain't so bad after all... :/

 

[your pathologist]

Hi I'm Pathy.

"hi pathy"

and i'm an alcoholic.

 

[YongeDundas]

I live in Southern California. I am lgbt and I hate myself and want to die. I've reached out to local hate groups to see if they'd do the work for me, so I have hope for that. I am also yongedundas on kik. I've been suicidal since I was 11 and I'm now 22. I am Buddhist (former Christian) and I believe I will reincarnate after I die.

 

[Pineapplecrown]

Oceania

 

[TAW122]

Hey I'm thrw_a_way1221221 (or you can call me a_way1221221, whatever suits you) I've been here for several months now and I haven't given a formal introduction, but I'll do so now.

I'm 28 year old male from NC and despite having a few college degrees, currently a NEET and been out of school for over half a year. I have Aspergers and social anxiety which hinders me in finding success in life. My social life is a total joke (thanks to Aspergers and SA), never really made many friends (which is a strong reason to ctb) nor see things improving in the foreseeable future. Currently friendless and just a bunch of acquaintances; no one invites me to stuff or initiates contact with me unless I contact them and even then they don't reciprocate.

Also, financial worries due to not being able to land a job or find income, which would end with me being homeless and in poverty in the coming months or so. (My 2nd reason for ctb) I also go against societal norms, values and beliefs (especially the pro-life spiel because I believe that everyone should have the right and choice to die on their own terms). This is a third major reason for wanting to ctb.

Some of my interests include going to arts performances, playing the piano (especially difficult music and doing music I like to cover), and video games (mostly retro single player games, be it on the emulator or PC). I also enjoy eating decent food, though I have no means to splurge on fancy/gourmet food served at well-known restaurants (fancy restaurants and what not).

Additional info/facts about me:

• I'm an atheist and but go to church, just for free food and some social interaction.
  
• Never dated before, let alone lost my virginity.
  
• Graduated undergrad and graduate school, but overall nothing else interesting.
  
• Never really held down a permanent job in my life.
  
• Been thinking about ctb for over a decade now, most of my life sucked.
  
• My parents are getting more and more reluctant in wanting to support me.

Here is my brief but condensed life story if anyone is interested in reading it.

 

[Swisher]

Hello. I'm a recent graduate from NYU. I moved from a suburb of AZ because I had to get out of that state. I thought things would get better once I got out. I never really fit in as a kid. I knew that things were different about me but I couldn't put my finger on it. I grew up in an extremely sheltered religious environment. My parents took "spare the rod and spoil the child" a little too seriously. We were always that house in the neighborhood that had children screaming in it. Many times CPS was called on my house, but nothing was ever done. I didn't really know what gay was except for that it was reprehensible. I only figured it out what it was once there were rumors about me being gay.

I figured I was gay when I was in 8th grade. It made sense. I was having fantasies about my male teachers. It took me a few years, but I was so terrified I told my parents. I had been cutting and starving myself. My parents flipped when I told them. I was sent to conversion therapy for two years. I wanted to change but quickly realized it was bullshit. My conversion therapist turned out to be a creep. So I lied and told everyone I was healed. I was always smart, but I worked even harder to get out of AZ.

Getting to NYC was a dream come true, but I was already disappointed because I couldn't get into any of the Ivy's. I studied Chemical Engineering, which I excelled at, at first. But halfway through my problems caught up to me. I had to see someone. So I went to get mental help. For two years I went, took typical SSRI's, but nothing worked. Then one Christmas I got outed to my family. They disowned me. I had no money. I couldn't pay for school because they wouldn't take out the loans. I had to prostitute myself to pay for food and school. I was homeless for a little while. I graduated, but I barely. I really gave up on my classes the last two years. Never got experience and I couldn't get a career job beyond the three part-times I was already working.

I realized that I no longer believe in God, or at least the one I was raised on. Life proved that it was meaningless. I knew that no matter what I did in life I would still be so miserable. I felt like I had been released from Plato's Cave. I cut myself and was suicidal through the latter part of college. My friends were tired of my bullshit which made me angry because so many NYU students are rich and privileged and have never experienced being without. No matter what I feel like a failure because I know so many people making so much more money than me. I hate my current job. I realize that I just hate working in general. It's too much stress. I was never meant to be on this earth and I resent my parents for thinking it was a good idea to have kids.

Maybe my problems aren't as severe as others, but I still feel so much pain and I wish that I was never born. I'm looking for courage to kill myself because I don't think I have it in me to do this anymore. I want to get N, but I haven't heard back from them. I figure it's a lot cheaper than my student loan debt.

Nobody's problems are less OR GREATER than yours. I just read this and have been crying for a long time. I'm so sorry. What a horrible thing to do to you. Horrible. You also write beautifully...and it was hard to read. This started as a child and you deserve a good life now. I am, of course, also looking for a way out. I am the one feeling selfish.

 

[Swisher]

Late twenties from the french part of Canada.
I'm living with chronic pain in both my shoulders and upper back for two years now. It is absolute constant pain at EVERY single seconds of my life now. Its taken a mental toll on me, nothing is pretty anymore, nothing is interesting, nothing smells nice, you get the idea. Life is pain.

It destroyed friendships, relations, my enjoyment of sex, gaming, reading. I don't even appreciate smoking a simple cigarette anymore.

Im not even depressed. I just can't fucking live like this anymore, I need to put an end to this misery, or its gonna eat even more of my soul.

I have had chronic pain for so long I can't count. Every month or so I get to add a new serious disease. All pain affects every aspect of your life. Someone asked me the other day when I last had a boyfriend. Hahaha! I've had a date or two but it's ridiculous. To embarrassed to tell you! I feel your pain...literally. I do. I don't feel terribly depressed sometimes because I've got nothing left to feel...just the pain and when something unbearable happens...rolling into a little ball seems to help? I hope you at least have a decent doctor. My doctor needs medical attention!

 

[Swisher]

Hello.
I'm from Israel.
I found this place googling how to make hydrogen cyanide out of apricots. Didn't expect it to be made out of fruit, out of all things. It feels weird. I've read the rules, but still not sure how much of my filters I can drop here. The most unconventional - the topic of suicide is certainly a big one.

I'm epileptic. According to google, 11% of epileptics ctb every year. Can't say I blame them. I've googled a lot on the subject, strangely, this place never came up until now. I'm guessing the encoding of certain topics helps. I still have a small glimmer of hope, though. My one last shot.

I came here for some help in case it fails.

I understand your feelings...I'm here! But Israel! I want to go!

 

[Swisher]

Hey I'm thrw_a_way1221221 (or you can call me a_way1221221, whatever suits you) I've been here for several months now and I haven't given a formal introduction, but I'll do so now.

I'm 28 year old male from NC and despite having a few college degrees, currently a NEET and been out of school for over half a year. I have Aspergers and social anxiety which hinders me in finding success in life. My social life is a total joke (thanks to Aspergers and SA), never really made many friends (which is a strong reason to ctb) nor see things improving in the foreseeable future. Currently friendless and just a bunch of acquaintances; no one invites me to stuff or initiates contact with me unless I contact them and even then they don't reciprocate.

Also, financial worries due to not being able to land a job or find income, which would end with me being homeless and in poverty in the coming months or so. (My 2nd reason for ctb) I also go against societal norms, values and beliefs (especially the pro-life spiel because I believe that everyone should have the right and choice to die on their own terms). This is a third major reason for wanting to ctb.

Some of my interests include going to arts performances, playing the piano (especially difficult music and doing music I like to cover), and video games (mostly retro single player games, be it on the emulator or PC). I also enjoy eating decent food, though I have no means to splurge on fancy/gourmet food served at well-known restaurants (fancy restaurants and what not).

Additional info/facts about me:

• I'm an atheist and but go to church, just for free food and some social interaction.
  
• Never dated before, let alone lost my virginity.
  
• Graduated undergrad and graduate school, but overall nothing else interesting.
  
• Never really held down a permanent job in my life.
  
• Been thinking about ctb for over a decade now, most of my life sucked.
  
• My parents are getting more and more reluctant in wanting to support me.

Here is my brief but condensed life story if anyone is interested in reading it.

I'm impressed! Sorry..you may not feel good about you, but holy crap! You're fascinating and my nuclear physicist father/classical violinist is someone I wish I could have known much better. He was socially awkward! Now, I like socially awkward. Smart and unique

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

I understand your feelings...I'm here! But Israel! I want to go!

What, come live in this hellhole?
It's ok-ish for tourism... I'll give it credit for having decent neurologists, but not much beyond.

 

[Swisher]

What, come live in this hellhole?
It's ok-ish for tourism... I'll give it credit for having decent neurologists, but not much beyond.

Neurologists too!! ( and actually I haven't gone because I do worry about...well everything, instability and yes, probably best for tourism. Good input though, thank you, I've always thought of living there and don't like hellholes. You're there now?! Interesting. (I hope to eventually push you into hellhole-pics)

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

Neurologists too!! ( and actually I haven't gone because I do worry about...well everything, instability and yes, probably best for tourism. Good input though, thank you, I've always thought of living there and don't like hellholes. You're there now?! Interesting. (I hope to eventually push you into hellhole-pics)

Hah. It's not a Fallout style nuclear wasteland if that's what you're thinking.
Looks... decent, I suppose. Average. There's an area by the mall around town I find creepy. It's just so... I don't know... sterile.
It's the people, though. About half are decent. The half that doesn't get in your way. If you're a tourist, everyone loves you regardless of religion. If you're not, however, and you do something un-jewish, you can actually get stoned. Have rocks thrown at you. God help you if you're muslim.

 

[Ukmale]

Hello.

I am in my mid 30s. The opposite of many people here I was fortunate enough to have an excellent upbringing. I excelled in education and since forged a successful career for myself, self employed in finance.

Several years ago I was diagnosed with cancer (which I recovered from) and just prior to that a near 10 year relationship I was in ended. Life has been a chore since. I am not in the least bit social, I have very few friends and those that I do have are grown up and have families and such. I used to enjoy many things such as travelling and reading but take zero enjoyment in them now. My life consists of only leaving my home for work and chores nowadays.

 

[Swisher]

Hello.

I am in my mid 30s. The opposite of many people here I was fortunate enough to have an excellent upbringing. I excelled in education and since forged a successful career for myself, self employed in finance.

Several years ago I was diagnosed with cancer (which I recovered from) and just prior to that a near 10 year relationship I was in ended. Life has been a chore since. I am not in the least bit social, I have very few friends and those that I do have are grown up and have families and such. I used to enjoy many things such as travelling and reading but take zero enjoyment in them now. My life consists of only leaving my home for work and chores nowadays.

I had such a good life and didn't even really appreciate it. But it's not about health!? Health doesn't matter! Money matters. It gets you everything! JUST DON'T EVER GET SICK.
I don't know why we have to deal with this crap and psychological hell. I'm so sorry. I hope you're healthy and physically recuperating not to mention the other hell that goes with it.

 

[Swisher]

Hah. It's not a Fallout style nuclear wasteland if that's what you're thinking.
Looks... decent, I suppose. Average. There's an area by the mall around town I find creepy. It's just so... I don't know... sterile.
It's the people, though. About half are decent. The half that doesn't get in your way. If you're a tourist, everyone loves you regardless of religion. If you're not, however, and you do something un-jewish, you can actually get stoned. Have rocks thrown at you. God help you if you're muslim.

No, Silly. I'm not a Muslim. I just constantly date them so I can swear in Arabic. My Mom loves it. Somehow Freudian, hmmm? I also add "stones" to my list of dislikes which started with "hellholes"...if you're keeping count.

 

[Swisher]

Hi all! 51 yr old English man. Had severe depression and anxiety for 30 years. It just gets worse despite medical and mental health support. Was happy once, forgot how it feels now.

Ditto. Happy? What's that? The happiest I have ever been tho...was in college while studying abroad in London. It was like a long paid vacation. That was too many moons ago to count....

 

[Swisher]

Hi everyone.

I'm a young female, probably on the very low spectrum of ages, who basically questions (and hates) her consciousness every day. I'm extremely dimwitted and idiotic. I've been lurking on here for some time now and decided to join, because perhaps I could contribute even a little.

My life has been what most would consider very easy and of high quality. I truly haven't experienced abuse or anything too traumatic, besides lackluster social skills, bullying when I was younger, high sensitivity, and my stupid inner state full of fear and hopelessness. I guess, also just feeling like a pathetic outsider for everything?

You all, or at least most of you, appear as really lovely people who've been dealt a hand of suffering, and that's truly awful. May you all have peace in one way or another.

Nope. Not dimwitted. It took me an hour just to spell "dimwitted". No dimwit would use "dimwitted".
You also seem lovely, btw.

 

[Ukmale]

I had such a good life and didn't even really appreciate it. But it's not about health!? Health doesn't matter! Money matters. It gets you everything! JUST DON'T EVER GET SICK.
I don't know why we have to deal with this crap and psychological hell. I'm so sorry. I hope you're healthy and physically recuperating not to mention the other hell that goes with it.

You're correct and thank you.

 

[Weeping Garbage Can]

Nope. Not dimwitted. It took me an hour just to spell "dimwitted". No dimwit would use "dimwitted".
You also seem lovely, btw.

Hehe, I guess the reason I was able to spell 'dimwitted' correctly was because of the autocorrect feature on my phone? Otherwise my spelling would be atrocious. But thank you a ton, you seem really lovely too Swisher, and your reply really made me smile :)

 

[Rose]

Hey everyone! You can call me Rose, I've just found this forum a few days ago and I want to give it a shot
I'm from Colorado (in the USA), I'm 18, bisexual, biologically male, but I have a lot of gender & body dysphoria, and desperately wish I could live life femininely, perceived as female (though all my past attempts to move towards that have left me with increased self hate & a sick feeling. It's just never good enough. Never fast enough)
I suffer from severe depression, anxiety, self-hatred, and many other issues. I spend most of my time listening to music.

• I'm a shut-in, and a "NEET". I have two friends (kind of) to my name, though I spend the vast majority of my time alone
  
• I have trouble letting myself care about people, because I feel powerless to do anything if life screws them over or even worse, if they screw themselves over, as well as general trust issues. However, I still have a burning need to be close to people
  
• I had a childhood with neglectful (later emotionally abusive) parents, and a physically abusive sibling, along with out-of-home issues at points
• I've always been an outcast, and I dropped out of school in my Sophomore year of high school, though I had... very, very bad attendance since 6th grade
• I have a negative overall view of humans & humanity (selfish, stupid, impressionable), but this doesn't apply to individuals until, well, they prove it themselves. I try to be kind & compassionate, even if these issues pop up individually, though I won't hesitate to point them out
• No matter how hard I try to be genuine, I always feel like I'm putting on a mask & trying to manipulate people, even if it's clearly not true (though sometimes it is). I don't want to put on a mask, but I seem to do it automatically
• I have attempted to CTB multiple times before, though I have only been hospitalized once (and it was for one night). I feel extremely lucky in this regard, I hope it keeps up

Heck, I could go on and on, but then y'all would end up with my life story. If any of y'all have questions or anything feel free to ask! Y'all seem like interesting & kind people, and I'm always interested to learn about other people. You're invited to talk & interact with me, I promise I won't bite!
also I spent like 3 hours typing this up. wow.

 

[nzdarkshark]

I don't know if I ever posted on here :')

My name's Bree/Chakra/NZ whatever haha.
I'm a 17 y/o from little ol' NZ, which does exsist btw.

I've been suffering with depressive thoughts and varying degress of body dysphoria (species related) since I was 13.
I'm usually a friendly person - but I feel I may have a form of avoidant personality disorder because I avoid people at all costs, unless it's online.
I'm a digital artist, but I don't draw as much as I used to due to lack of motivation.
I adore music, especially alternatice/rock music - bands like Linkin Park, Hollywood Undead to name a few.
I don't have many friends, only one close friend really. And even then, my relationship with him is kinda strained because of my plans to ctb.
I love horror movies; psychological horror is my favourite.

I love dogs and if life were kinder to me I would've probably owned a Siberian Husky or a Rottweiler as they are my favourite breeds of dog.
I'm really lame and kinda emo, even though I don't take pride in my appearance anymore and just throw my hair behind my ears so it's not in my face.

SS is like a family to me, It'll be sad when I have to leave it.

 

[Johnnythefox]

Hi I'm johnny a 53 Yr old from Scotland. Tired and worn out with all the shit in life, tried many times in the past to CTB. Been on and off meds all my life never been hospitalised, though family considered having me sectioned after the marriage fell apart. Music has always been my thing, had bouts of mania in the past when the creativity floods out. I'm an atheist but came up with this many years ago.
"Does god have a face? Is God full of grace to you?
Does God have a name? Does God cause you pain too?"

 

[Toxic Person]

Hey i'm a toxic person.

I like sleeping, food , Panic! At The Disco, My Chemical Romance, Animes and books

 

[Dead Meat]

Hey i'm a toxic person.

I like sleeping, food , Panic! At The Disco, My Chemical Romance, Animes and books

Welcome Toxic Person to the forum hope you enjoy your time here.

 

[Swisher]

Hey i'm a toxic person.

I like sleeping, food , Panic! At The Disco, My Chemical Romance, Animes and books

Hi Toxic person