Introduce yourself

[Final_Choice]

Just realized I never made an intro.
Hey everyone, I'm a 21 year old computer science major in college wanting to die more than anything else. I like playing video games, reading light novels and manga, watching anime, hanging out with close friends, sleeping (a lot). I'm interested in certain computer science related fields like all types of automatas, reinforcement learning, deep learning, etc; and also other things like chemistry (mostly to see if I can find new methods), psychology, radiation (also for methods), and whatever other random stuff suddenly piques my interest. Due to abuse when I was a child and so-far incurable medical conditions I'll be CTBing around May or June 2025, till then I'll be around longing for death but at least making a last-ditch effort so that I'll be 100% that when I CTB I'm ready to die.

 

[mtnbeing]

Happy to be here, officially! A lifetime of chronic SI, with a philosophical commitment to the R2D, as well as an unwavering commitment to normalizing discussions of S/SI. We all deserve support and compassion, especially when exploring the most honest, vulnerable parts of ourselves. This site has carried me through some of my darkest days in the past five years, and I am grateful to be a part of this community.

 

[lostyouinthestorm]

hello. just call me lost. i'm a 20 year old married transsexual man from canada. i'm chronically ill and disabled and have been severely mentally ill pretty much my whole life. i'm diagnosed with a lot, avpd, bpd, cluster a traits, did, c-ptsd, mdd, gad, sad, agoraphobia, panic disorder and an-r. i also have a fair bit of physical disabilities and deal with chronic pain. as a result, i am on disability and use a cane. i have been in therapy off and on since i was 9, medicated since i was 11, and am considered treatment resistant. i've dealt with suicidal thoughts/ideation from a very young age, and have made one "true" attempt when i was 14. i currently deal with self harm, anorexia and alcohol abuse. i truly wish to ctb, but my husband and cat keep me here. i know i will ctb one day, and i have some plans, but not a set date. going to keep riding the wave until it truly becomes too much. i'm just so tired of being in constant pain, having so much trauma, being stuck in poverty and being physically unable to do what i want in life, but i guess i have a little more fight in me.

on a lighter note;
i enjoy video games (BG3, F&H, many others), art, crochet and table top games (D&D, MTG)
i like black metal, doom metal, stoner metal, folk punk and witchhouse music
i have an interest in psychology, forensic pathology, and gaulish polytheism
i am a gaulish polytheistic pagan/witch but don't practice often

 

[yearnforanescape]

Hi everyone
This is my very first post; I can't remember when I made this account.
I'm 40yrs old, with severe bipolar, and intermittent depression going back to when I was 10. How I wish I had C'dTB back then.
I don't know how to feel about being part of this forum. It's a bit dark, but then so am I. I'm really hoping for an alternative to hanging, because I feel it would be a terrifying way to go. I've bought SN twice in the past, but surrendered it both times. Now, in Aus, you need a poisons license to get it…
The best by far would be N. I just don't know if I can post enough to build up the required trust for someone to reach out.
I don't know what to do. I'm horrified by the thought that if I don't cyber, I might only be halfway through my life.

 

[Schnipsel]

Hi,
I'm Schnipsel. I'm a 24 year old enby (they/them).
I read a lot, bake a lot and love good tea. I also play a lot of Sims.

I struggle with pretty immense gender dysphoria, ADHD based emotional dysregulation and sensory processing disorder, recurring depression and anxiety with dysphoria being my biggest struggle by far. Also some traumatic shit that happened to me over the years, but i dont feel like talking about that rn.

I've suffered from depressive episodes from about age 12 (at least that's the first time I remember, but I barely remember anything of my childhood so it may be wrong). In hindsight, that might have been gender dysphoria already, but who knows. Only publicly came out when I was 22, after a failed outing attempt 19 forced me back into the closet. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts since I was about 14 and since that time I also started showing SH behavior that escalated over the years. Gender affirming care has made my dysphoria somewhat better but it's still so bad that my life feels like absolute horror most of the time, and no there's basically no recourse to improve my bodily dysphoria left to me anymore.

 

[AngelTears]

Name/Nickname:
Angel, Angel Tears, Molly, HT, Tears, Hero

Age: 25

Likes: Making and listening to music, anime, RP, talking, cooking..

Dislikes: Fake and dishonest people, ghosting, abandonment, the sunlight

Bio: I have struggled with physical and mental health my entire life... Currently I find myself looking for friends I can hopefully call family

Gender: Genderfluid
Pronouns: they/them, she/her, he/him

Timezone: AST (UTC-4)

Language(s): English, Spanish

 

[teniralc21]

43F, USA. Just really struggling. Scared to say much more at this point.

 

[UnrulyNightmare]

Hello everyone,

I'm new here, obviously, haha..
I'm unrulynightmare, and very very tired of living.
While looking into things I found this place and the amount of support between members and the honest conversations shocked me!

All those things I have thought my entire life I had to keep hidden deep inside me, are openly discussed here. I found it so refreshing I joined to be able to freely discuss all those things the so called normal world isn't comfortable with. Normalizing talking about pain, depression, suicidal thoughts and things like that is important to me, and I hope to be able contribute to it here :)

I am into photography, drawing/painting, poetry.

I have two cats I love dearly, and I am desperately clinging to life for them, for now, no matter the pain it puts me through.

I hope to find here the friends and connections I can't have in real life due to not fitting in. Also it's hard to start any conversation if dying is constantly on your mind..
I am a big fan of humour and sarcasm to get me through each day.

Pleased to meet you.

 

[Ungie]

Hello, nice to meet you.

I was suicidal since 16 years, now I am close to mid-30s. I suspect I have some personality disorder because of bullying and abuse in my childhood, but I never was diagnosed with one, despite having several therapists over the course of my life.

I had to leave my home country because of the war. I live alone. Always wanted to have a happy relationship and a family with a girl and maybe even children, but I couldn't have it for various reasons, I guess mainly because of lack of male role model and gender nonconformity (I am pansexual, polyamorous and androgynous, I love cute pink clothes etc etc), and also I tend to attract traumatized people who can't bear long-term relationships. However, I was in a relationship with a girl for several years, but I had to suppress my gender identity and sexuality to keep it going.

I have set myself a "deadline" that if I will be nearing my 40s, I would like to CTB, because I don't want to become sad lonely middle-aged man, who slowly goes crazy living all by himself. I had some nice things that happened in my life, such as traveling, extreme sports, music festivals, some mystic spiritual experiences - so I guess I won't be regretful that I missed something in life except having a happy relationship and a family.

I love experimental music, independent cinema and anime. Big fan of Slowdive, I wish to visit their concert some day. Don't know what else to say. I wish happiness and peace of mind to everyone here, I am sure everybody here needs it.

 

[teniralc21]

I'm early 40's, female, USA. I suspect I have mild autism but never been evaluated. I've always had trouble with relationships with other people and the last few years have seen most of my friends end. My only family are my parents and they are what I am living for at this point.

 

[Steff1337]

My intro thread

 

[Musepi]

Hello, everyone!
I have been a lurker on this site for quite some time, and decided that it is time to make a proper account.
I'm unsure how much about myself I am really willing to share here yet, but that may change over time while I participate in discussions on the forum.
So while I won't reveal any real personal information yet, I am willing to share some (relatively) unimportant things about myself:

-I greatly enjoy reading, especially fantasy literature, with a focus on worldbuilding
-I have kept a large collection of houseplants ever since I was young, and really enjoy tending to them, especially my Tradescantia
-I love playing strategy games with "story generator" aspects, puzzle games and well-written visual novels
-Writing short philosophical texts has been a hobby of mine for a few years by now and I really like journaling, which I have been doing for even longer than that...

I am looking forward to exploring this forum as a proper member, and to engage in some of the discussions instead of merely being a quiet observer.

 

[flunkky]

I am new here, and currently undecided on what I want to pursue (as in life or death), but I came here because I wanted it to be an actual choice of my own. I have a cat and like playing horror games, my indecisiveness mostly comes from the cat. she's wonderfully behaved and just adorable, i'm sure my shitty family wouldn't care for her so i'm trying to figure that out. Besides that I hope to make up my mind here, as I have unsuccessfully tried a few things (no success due to a lack of actual in-depth research).

 

[bitofftoomuch]

Well I guess the short version is that I'm a 28 year old lesbian with a history of interpersonal failures and am here after blowing what feels like the only real chance I ever got or ever will get at connecting with someone. I don't speak to my family and all I really have these days are a few shallow friendships, nobody who is genuinely close to me. I want to believe my luck will reverse, but my skepticism has me making preparations to ctb. I would like to be friends if anyone is up for it, because I still err on the side of hope despite everything.

Here is a bit more about my situation: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/i-blew-my-one-shot-at-happiness.171146/#post-2587218

 

[plast1c_sk1n]

Hello & nice to meet you :) You can call me Plastic, I'm 18 years old and honestly not doing too bad at the moment as I've just recently gotten out of a horribly toxic/emotionally abusive relationship and have been doing better ever since but who knows where life will lead me so might as well have this community for backup in case recovery doesn't end up going so well.
I love drawing, listening to music, gaming, and reading! My goal is to one day become a video games concept artist and will be going to college for animation starting this September ^^ I love classic literature, specifically those involving dark or dystopian themes. I'm currently reading The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde & my favourite book is No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai :)
I hope I can make some friends here, especially anyone with OCD, ARFID, or BPD as it's a bit lonely not knowing anybody else with these conditions and I'd love to have a friend who understands me
Have a wonderful day loves!

 

[1043169]

Call me Cog, mid-30s. Two dogs, single, childless (and happy that way). Nagging dark feelings in me but I generally enjoy my life. Schizoaffective, anorexia, OCD, ADHD.

I get lonely and restless a lot. And stressed. Makes me binge eat or not eat or consider self harm or drink. Trying to replace some of that with the gym with little success.

 

[MyaMia]

I'm 30, from England. In a poly relationship but still feel lonely, likely got bpd. Waiting for the right time and more info before I try my ctb method.

 

[patricivselecta]

Hello everyone let me share with you the introduction I just wrote in the "about section" of my profile.

Salve! (Good health!)
My name is Patricius and I am greatly inspired by our ancient roman heritage, be it culture, philosophy or religion.
I live a happy and struggling life, I give thanks for everything fate brings to me.

I am here because I'm a firm advocate for the right to die, without it life is indeed slavery.
I am also trying to advocate for the ancient roman custom of farewell parties before CTB, either online or if we can organize it, in person. I believe it greatly helps ease the soul: you may speak your mind, say your goodbyes, laugh and cry together, that you may go in peace.
If you're interested in the ancient roman religion, the Cultus Deorum Romanorum and general worldview or you just wanna talk, hit me up!

May you find peace with your fate in this life, or the next.
Vale optime in Pace Deorum.

 

[darkandtwisty]

Hello!

I am an irreversibly broken soul who's been faking it for so long, I almost believe myself.
I am at a crossroads with my life. I don't necessarily want to go, I just want the pain to stop.

I was abused most of my life by my now ex husband. In almost every way one can be abused. I have a child with him who prefers to live with him. I am not needed.

I've tried not letting the residual CPTSD get the better of me, but all I hear in my head is the enforced words I heard for sixteen years "crazy, bitch, ugly, unlovable, broken, damaged". Etc etc. My own family stated if I had been a better wife, the hitting, rape, and serial cheating would not have happened. It was my responsibility to make him happy.

I poured myself into him until I had nothing left. I've tried therapy, medication, meditation. Nothing has helped. I'm tired on a spiritual level.
I have a boyfriend I love with everything I've got but unfortunately I do not know how to love myself. I know I'll CTB I just don't know when or how. It's not an if but a when.

On a positive note: I love hiking and being in nature. My hobbies are car karaoke and photography.

 

[patricivselecta]

Hello!

I am an irreversibly broken soul who's been faking it for so long, I almost believe myself.
I am at a crossroads with my life. I don't necessarily want to go, I just want the pain to stop.

I was abused most of my life by my now ex husband. In almost every way one can be abused. I have a child with him who prefers to live with him. I am not needed.

I've tried not letting the residual CPTSD get the better of me, but all I hear in my head is the enforced words I heard for sixteen years "crazy, bitch, ugly, unlovable, broken, damaged". Etc etc. My own family stated if I had been a better wife, the hitting, rape, and serial cheating would not have happened. It was my responsibility to make him happy.

I poured myself into him until I had nothing left. I've tried therapy, medication, meditation. Nothing has helped. I'm tired on a spiritual level.
I have a boyfriend I love with everything I've got but unfortunately I do not know how to love myself. I know I'll CTB I just don't know when or how. It's not an if but a when.

On a positive note: I love hiking and being in nature. My hobbies are car karaoke and photography.

Hi! I am sorry all that happened you. I'm glad that you stood up for yourself and divorced that piece of shit.
You are loveable and deserve to be loved, every human being does.
I hope that now you'll find a way to love and serve yourself, not others, after putting others before yourself for this long.

May you find peace in this life, or the next.

 

[Trismegistus_13]

Hi! I'm 26/M from the northeastern US. Since being diagnosed with anxiety and depression in third grade, I have struggled with them as well as low self-confidence on and off for years. I had one suicide attempt in 2018 that had been preceded by a group of people bullying me. I don't know if I will eventually kill myself years down the line, but I refuse to give up hope that I can improve my life.

I am currently a nursing student and want to help people in bad situations like I was. I also love music (especially heavy metal) and video games. I wish you all the best in getting better.

 

[img-phenix]

Hello I go by many names but you can call me phenix! Happy to be here :)

 

[Sasukecel]

18m. Ugly short black male.

 

[lilac-moonbeam]

howdy howdy
just another sad gay trans girl (22, USA)

I've lurked on here for about half a year. I've had issues with depression, anxiety, dysphoria, and issues with eating since i was a kid. I know I'm neurodivergent in some way or another (self id as autistic) but I've never had any formal tests done. Have been trying to get over substance abuse too.
I'm into history, loud weird music, furry shit, and cartoons.
enchanté

 

[8more2go]

Hoi, uhh I'm not very used to using forums so pls excuse me if I break some unwritten rules, I'm learning. I've heard some of the horror stories about this place only to look into it and find them all wildly over dramatized. I consider myself an advocate of harm reduction and I consider something like this quite helpful, for recovery or peaceful passing. By making this account I'm potentially risking being seen by someone who might recognize me, but so be it, I need a place that has these resources, where this topic isn't so taboo, somewhere I can feel less alone.

Hi! I'm Mimi. Guess my gender, you'll be right. I'm mid 20s, and I love video games more than myself. Metroid, final fantasy, touhou, xeno(gears, saga, blade), and soulsbourn are some of my favorite series. I like robots and cats and sometimes I pretend I'm one or the other for fun. I'm childish like that. I hate sleep, hot weather, working, and being alive. I love my friends, food, and kandi. I have no marketable or creative skills. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, and Anxiety when I was too young to remember my age. Probably not that young, I have an awful memory.

I must be doing something right though, people like me, like talking to me, say I'm funny or cute or cool or fun. But despite everything going for me, I have fantasized about death for almost my entire life (that I remember). Even happiness is torture, for pain follows like shadow. The very thought I will be working 9-5, doing taxes, paying rent, checking my email, and making phone calls for the rest of my life til the day I die fills me with a sense of dread I can't even define (I don't need to though, I'm sure you agree), dread so strong I want that day I die to be sooner rather than later.

 

[umbreonbackpack]

Hi everyone,

I'm in my mid 20s, exhausted college dropout suffering from ptsd and severe burnout. I've been lurking on here for a few months and I'm finally taking the plunge.

Backstory below if anyone cares:

I was emotionally and medically neglected as a child/teen, sexually abused by my first 3 boyfriends, financially abused by the one after that, developed the dreaded fawn response pretty early on in all the abuse so now I'm a stupid fucking people pleaser and in a relationship with an emotionally sensitive partner that I have to mother. And to top it all off I live with chronic pain.

I've been in and out of therapy for a couple years and haven't made much progress (not for lack of trying, all of my bouts of therapy have ended with me moving, not being able to afford therapy for a while, or my therapist moved, so it's just bad luck I guess) and I'm honestly just done.

I don't want to put the work in to fix everything wrong with me anymore, I don't have any meaningful emotional support from my partner (when I try to communicate my needs I will inevitably later have to comfort her and exert more emotional labor than if I'd just kept my mouth shut, and whatever the problem is it won't be fixed) and I've wanted to ctb for 15 years.

It's not going to get better. Everytime I'm hopeful something happens to fuck it up. I'm over it.

I'm planning to ctb sometime this year. I'm not sure when yet. Probably the sooner the better, since I don't really want to ruin the holidays for everyone.

 

[SendAndDelete]

I am SendAndDelete, I love reading and like going on walks, I love a lot of things and I like many more but am miserable nonetheless.

Hi everyone,

I'm in my mid 20s, exhausted college dropout suffering from ptsd and severe burnout. I've been lurking on here for a few months and I'm finally taking the plunge.

Backstory below if anyone cares:

I was emotionally and medically neglected as a child/teen, sexually abused by my first 3 boyfriends, financially abused by the one after that, developed the dreaded fawn response pretty early on in all the abuse so now I'm a stupid fucking people pleaser and in a relationship with an emotionally sensitive partner that I have to mother. And to top it all off I live with chronic pain.

I've been in and out of therapy for a couple years and haven't made much progress (not for lack of trying, all of my bouts of therapy have ended with me moving, not being able to afford therapy for a while, or my therapist moved, so it's just bad luck I guess) and I'm honestly just done.

I don't want to put the work in to fix everything wrong with me anymore, I don't have any meaningful emotional support from my partner (when I try to communicate my needs I will inevitably later have to comfort her and exert more emotional labor than if I'd just kept my mouth shut, and whatever the problem is it won't be fixed) and I've wanted to ctb for 15 years.

It's not going to get better. Everytime I'm hopeful something happens to fuck it up. I'm over it.

I'm planning to ctb sometime this year. I'm not sure when yet. Probably the sooner the better, since I don't really want to ruin the holidays for everyone.

Don't know if this means anything to you, but you are not a "stupid fucking people pleaser" you're just a people pleaser and some of the people you instinctively try to please, as a nurtured instinct aren't worth pleasing or simply are impossible to please.

I'm sure the act of people pleasing itself that you do without realising or wanting to upsets you, just know that, at least in my opinion you aren't a lesser person for it and I don't like how you put yourself down. A person who injured their arm and stops using it until it's healed isn't a failure, they're protecting themselves from being hurt even more. You people please, which in essence is the same idea.

It is so unfortunate that what you do to protect yourself ends up causing you harm, just like how completely disusing an injured arm could mean it atrophies, wasting away completely.

You are hurt and you obviously have every right to feel that way and those feelings shouldn't be doubted, however, you have the right to be upset because you are worth more than a miserable life.

 

[elvvsie]

hey!
you can call me L, I'm a 23 y/o uni student. Got some exams left to sit so hopefully I won't be a drop out (again). BPD/anxiety are kicking my ass atm

 

[DanielDanDean]

Call me Daniel (26 M, Southern France)


Thinking about death since the age of 13, when I was bullied in middle school and my mother who lost my custody started exhibiting heavy symptoms of schyzophrenia.

My father with who I was living with was very strict and verbally abusive, sometimes physically.

I took drugs in high school and drank a little to forget how shitty my life was, had some friends, girlfriends and hookups while living at my sister's place or at my friend's.
Tried to kill myself with a garbage bag but I panicked as I struggled to breathe (duh).

After magically passing my HS diploma I met a girl, with her I had for the first time of my life a bit of hope.
My life changed from semi homeless drunken mofo to "normal young adult", landed in a job in southern France with a decent pay only for the girl to cheat with another man before lockdown and disappearing during it.
Calling my sister while sobbing lead me to learn that she had breast cancer, because of which she died a year ago.


After trying another time but not being confident enough to jump from the bridge I wanted to jump off I managed to continue having a "stable life" without the girl that "saved me from my previous life" and trying to have fun like every young person should be able to (something I didn't have because when I was a teen : I rarely had fun and never was able to live carelessly because surviving, buying food and not failing school was a little of a concern for me).


After my sister died last year I panicked about the directions my life was going and wanted soooo bad to have a stable Relationship, do everything society expects me to, which led me in the arms of a woman who :


- Is jealous AF

- Routinely berates me for little things like forgetting to do a chore or forgetting something she said

- Isolated me from my friends

- Stalked of my social medias, my phone gallery, my computer to berate me about my past or about keeping photos of my ex

- When I tried to leave her, threatened me with ruining my life (like revealing all of my past to my employer), harassing me and stalking me, something she already did to some of her exes ( I know some examples of her stalking her ex who she dumped 5 years ago)

- When I tried to CTB 3 months ago, she called my father (with who I finally managed to have normal contacts with) to explain what I did and why I did it, revealing to him our sex life and ruining every little bit of progress I



It's been 1 year with her and I can't stand it anymore, I can't leave my job because I'll never find one like this and processes in my workplace to move are slow and as she knows some of my colleagues she would be able to know where I'll be trasnfered, stalk me and harass me.

I only can go to my home if she is with me, the only place I can be "free" of her surveilling every move, every text, every mail I receive is my workplace.


Sometimes I think about leaving everything and try to start a new life elsewhere in my country but she'll try to find me, even going to the police to file a missing persons report if necessary and I'l need to cut contact with all of my family definitively.

Sometimes I just give up and try appreciate the good sides of this relationship, which is not an easy deed.

I think I have many mental and cognitive issues, my bad décisions or mistakes from the past are sometimes hauting me

This is only "my" side of life but the world in general sucks, working isn't Worth it anymore, buying a home is unaffordable in every western country and many people Don't fell safe when Walking in the streets.
Politicians and wealthy people clearly Don't have normal people's interests in mind and Nothing seems to go in the right direction..
The world sucks, my life is pretty bad even if i'm not in the same precarity as in my teens and I Don't see how anything can get better.

 

[Fivelimit]

Hi, 32 M here. Living in the North of the Netherlands. I first used this forum about 6 years ago. After a lot of running around and trying to feel hopeful in life, I find myself on here again. Would be nice to meet people (especially if resident in Holland, M and around my age +-10). Sorry if this sounds weird but I find it easier to communicate with people of same sex and similar age. But that's not a deal breaker.