Introduce yourself

[nihilistic_dragon]

Hi everyone, just saw this thread and thought I'd introduce myself too. I don't think I want to share any of my personal stories here for privacy reasons, at least not yet. But I am just glad that I found this community.

Several years ago when it became clear to me that I just HAVE to ctb as I have no other choice, I was hesitant to do it by the well-known methods since I didn't want to wake up a cripple or end up in a mental institution if things went wrong. So after a lot of reading and searching, I found out about N. I also discovered that I am a nihilist, and while I have pretty good reasons to go, I also am simply not interested in existing on this planet even if by some miracle my life were made right.

I hope that one day in the distant future the society will be open-minded enough to allow everyone to exit whenever they wish - with dignity, without the stigma, without having to travel far, without the fear of waking up a cripple to a judgmental world.

Everyone should have a right to a peaceful exit - not just the terminally ill elderly people but everyone. Millions of people commit slow suicide through their lifestyle and dietary choices, so the fact that someone who wants to check out faster is condemned by this society is insane. I hope the present-day euthanasia movement finally comes to accept this, and that the rest of the society follows.

I have my reasons to go, and I don't expect anyone to understand them. Neither I nor anyone else desiring to go should have to explain anything to anyone. It is easy to misinterpret someone's words anyway. For me it is definitely not a spur-of-the-moment or an emotional decision. So I wish everyone good luck in search of their peaceful exit. And in the meantime, I am glad I found this community where I can discuss things without being told that I will go to hell lol.

 

[Imagined_Euphoria]

I'm 22, fucking weird and have nothing better to do than being online 24/7. Now this site has been added to the places I enrich with my presence.

You're welcome

 

[nobob]

I'm 33 years old from a small European nation. I failed my suicide attempt two years ago, and stopped taking antipsychotic drugs abruptly. Now, two years later, I am stuck in a ward. I feel so dumb from the medication.

 

[YearZero]

Hey. I'm Nergalanii.

DNR is not something that doctors actually care about, me being here right now is proof.

I do not know what more to say.

 

[revontulet]

+30yo Finnish guy. I've struggled with depression and social anxiety for years. Depression was diagnosed when I was ~23. In reality I was depressed when I was a teenager but I I was hiding it pretty well.

And I love northern lights. My username actually means northern lights.

 

[callalilies]

hi, call me lou. 20 yo lurker in england who's decided to finally speak up - i've been depressed since my teens and things went from bad to worse about two years ago. i'm chronically ill (i have a cluster of comorbid autoinflammatory conditions, the worst of which affects my skin), transmasc and profoundly autistic. at uni and surviving mostly!

i've been in recovery on/off from said depressive episode but the urge to ctb is not fully gone. i don't feel like i can talk about my ideation genuinely, but that's why places like this exist ^^. i just feel constantly overwhelmed and i feel like my life has been on a constant cycle of repressing my depression and then letting it bubble up, and even though i've been coping better, things just tend to go awry like clockwork. in spite of all of this, i don't necessarily want to Leave just yet - but it's really hard coming up with alternatives (i also lack the commitment to follow through)! i'd like to speak to people who understand the feeling of wanting to disappear without immediately resorting to platitudes. i'm usually a bit more chipper but these are the times!

aside from The Agonies i enjoy cooking, walking when things are quiet and going on wikipedia deep dives. i just picked up minecraft and that's been comforting. i liked disco elysium for obvious reasons, and i read around a fair bit. my favourite works of fiction are lavinia by ursula k le guin and crave by sarah kane. :]

 

[continuing]

So you can call me continuing because this is what I'm doing, trying to continue.

I'm a Brazilian folk, and my mind right now is not in the best shape, but I'm still giving a chance to me and trying to go further.

Well i like Alan wake 2, mad max, my favourite book is fahrenheit 451.

I like to talk to people, so if anyone feels like talking feel free to do it.

 

[continuing]

Hellloooo everyone, i'm Anna! It's nice to meet you all.

Some quick facts! I'm 18, and my dream was to be a film major. However, due to circumstances, I am not sure I will make it to that dream.

I've been diagnosed with depression since 13, but have shown signs as early as eight years old. I made my first attempt to CTB at around nine years old.

My name is a play on anorexia, something I suffer with from time to time. and plight meaning 'a dangerous, difficult, or otherwise unfortunate situation.' I thought it was mighty clever!

I was never too good at making friends, and when people get too close, I find myself screwing things up somehow. I'm hoping that here, I won't be judged as much for my views and urges to, well, die?

Thank you all for reading this, although our time together may end up being short, I shall cherish it nonetheless! You never know what the future holds. :)

Hi Anna, I'm sorry that you have to live with that so early in your life, i hope you can make your dream work somehow and someday.

 

[Mkeblair]

Hey everyone!

I've been an "Asher" since the late 90's/early 00's. My life has been a complete whirlwind of up's and down's, alas, I find myself here. I hope you are all well, and I just wanted to hop in here to say "Hello", and I hope that you are all doing ok.

I am not. My life has been a literal roller coaster of up's and down's, with me hitting a complete DOWN right now, and for about the past 16 months now (or so). I'm not 100% sure what I'm going to do, however, the "easy way" is seeming like the potential "best way", at this point in time... We shall see what happens.

Cheers my friends!

 

[hawkoflight]

Hey everyone. Call me Griffith. I'm 19, and i like..anime, and video games and have been morbidly depressed my entire existence. Wrapped around to giving me an inflated sense of ego for a while and delusions of grandeur. But now it's time for me to CTB and gtfo this hellhole of a planet.
Nice to meet everyone^^

 

[null_blank]

Hey all,

I'm a 30something soonly-wed that loves my fiancée dearly but Jesus more.

I am, simply put, tired;
of living in a body that doesn't match my ideal and knowing enough to know that no science will truly right that,

of fighting for our home and lives in late-stage capitalism,

of my job that I am blessed to have yet having doors close when trying for something better,

of having to wake up every day,

of living when others that should have simply did not,

and a smattering of other, smaller complaints.


The joys in my life are few and fleeting but I won't bother to list them because 'cui bono'?

In any case, for however long I'm here, we're here together.

Be safe~

 

[Faxanadu]

Hello everyone, I'm Italian and I'm 40+ years old.
I was bullied at school, so I left it to start working, I never graduated.
Eleven years ago I was diagnosed with severe depression, after an anxiety attack.
Since then I have been seeing a psychologist and a psychiatrist, and I take medication for anxiety and depression.
When I was twelve I tried to CTB by hanging myself, but when everything was fading I had second thoughts.
And so here I am, I spend my days killing time and fantasizing about CTB, but for now it's not the time yet; I'll keep you company, even if I'm shy.
My nick is the name of a video game for the Nintendo 8bit.

 

[MinecraftPsych03]

Hi, I guess I'll post an intro here.
I'm from North America, living in the deep south. I'm 20, but turn 21 very soon. I'm transgender (FtM).
I'm attending university, majoring in psychology (ironic huh?). Sorry if this post sounds dry. I'm kinda tired typing this out.
I really like Minecraft. I grew up dreaming about becoming a famous Minecrafter, but that never happened.
I have a dog named Jasper. He's my cuddle buddy. I love him very much, and would take a bullet for him. He's my best buddy.
I hope to make a positive impact on someone's life.
Stay safe, y'all.

 

[Achroma]

hi heres my intro :3
im nonbinary, i live in europe and am in my early 20s
i like listening to music, particularly vocaloid and related things!
also i like playing video games though recently ive been lacking the motivation for that
i like cooking but ive got no one to share my food with sadly qwq
ive been diagnosed with major depressive disorder and severe social anxiety disorder
also i cant work because of my mental illness so im just stuck hanging out at home indefinitely
if you feel like it feel free to dm me, i like chatting with strangers and i think im an okay person to chat with too hehe :3
yeah thats it, love you! <3

 

[LoneMarineBitterman]

Hi!
I've been occasionally visiting this website since the start of July. I've known about it for a few years (not sure how) but never had a look around until now. Decided to make an account a little bit into August and have now decided to say hello.

I'm eighteen and in the final few months of Year Twelve. I enjoy watching some types of movies, listening to some types of music and playing some types of video games—though not incredibly unique interests, they make up a decent part of my identity. Maybe slightly deeper, I enjoy video game modding or map-making and am currently playing around with creating vocal/environmental based noise music. There's also probably a bunch of smaller little things like cassette collecting or enjoying sweets that I could list, but don't really need too.

I suppose in regards to my "connection" with this website:
I've been feeling some type of way for the last nine years, though it's possible it could go back further. I'm yet to have an official diagnosis but it's manifested in the way of having suicidal thoughts, feeling disconnected to the people and places around me and a general sense of dissatisfaction with my life.
These feelings have peaked to what I think is the highest ever in my life. Despite the long-term feelings and the recent peak, I'm still alive. I have some ideas about what why that is, but without exactly knowing, I guess all I can say is that there's something keeping me going.

Anyway, I'm here, so... hello and bye for now.

 

[VentureOverwatch]

Heyo!

I'm a 22 year old gay male from the US, who's fucking exhausted!!!!

I like video games, anime, partaking in the smoking of marijuana, and brain rot of all kinds.

I have struggled with the big sad, anxiety, self harm, and thoughts about CTB for as long as I can remember.

 

[LiuKang]

I'm better than all of yall

 

[Space Outlaw Bunny]

hi, almost 22 yo from Europe and I'm currently at uni unless they finally kick me out. I'm autistic late diagnosed and have been depressed most of my life. Before I knew I was depressed I knew I didn't want to exist. Probably more things in me are fucked up. I never knew how to keep in touch with people or how to start relationship with them, anyway most of my "friends" were fake and abandoned me. I had only one friend, but he died almost a year ago. I never felt so lonely. I have a lot of emptiness and pain inside me. Most of the time I don't know what to do. I exist only to exist, enjoy my suffering and be too much of a coward to ctb. I just don't want to be alone.

I'm back and more depressed than ever
update: my name is Mari and I'm agender, lvl 23
I'm a csa survivor (age 8 I think)
I hate my "father/sperm donor" who is an alcoholic and said to me "maybe you should kill yourself" a year ago
I'm still at uni (maybe this year they will kick me out)
I don't have contact with my friends for months
I want to give the money back to my mom which she sent me for 4 years and then I will disappear hoping I could make a wish to erase my existence

 

[ebsyyy]

Hi all,

I'm 21 and from the UK. I don't have nearly the problems others do here and it makes me feel stupid for being here. I went through university in a long term relationship only to be (i think, i never got proper clarity) cheated on right at the end and abruptly broken up with. I didn't want to trust another relationship, and then got into another one long distance. I paid thousands to go and see her and once I got back she made new friends and got over it mentally with me and cancelled her planned trip to come here.

I moved to a new town for work shortly before this happened and am left totally isolated. I don't start for another 2 weeks, I have no friends here, no one to talk to, I live by myself and I don't have any friends to talk to anyways because I was focused on my relationship when I was at uni. I came across here looking for ways to CTB but I know I can't do that to my parents.

I like gaming, weed and music, and that and my parents is all that keeps me going.

Stay safe everyone.

 

[segasonicexe]

ive just turned 18 and i love Sonic the hedgehog. He's so cool. He's even faster too!!
I've spent my teen years just completely crumbling and now i just have nothing but my friends and sonic the bloody hedgehog to keep me going. what fun

 

[nobob]

I'm 33 years old from a small European nation. I failed my suicide attempt two years ago, and stopped taking antipsychotic drugs abruptly. Now, two years later, I am stuck in a ward. I feel so dumb from the medication.

Update, I am getting out! Yay! Promised not to kill myself before they write me completely out of the hospital, and that was okay. They don't care what happens after that. Not their responsibility.

 

[birthdayboy]

I just found out about this site a few days ago, and I tried to read all the intros until I realized there are 134 pages of them, so I'm going to post my own and then look back from time to time to get to know more people here.

I'm 51, gay male, married to my partner of 14 years, anarchist in the midwestern US. I got severely bullied in middleschool, and I don't feel like describing the details, but I feel like I've never really grown past that. I got sexually assaulted twice in adulthood, one of those involving being drugged. I've been suicidal since at least age 12.

I'm currently into longboarding, playing video games, magic the gathering (commander). I used to be really into ESO, but now I mostly play a lot of singleplayer games. I try to contribute to the online communities I'm part of, and I really try to understand where people are coming from.

I play guitar and used to have a punk band a long time ago, but now I just play for myself.

I have various mental problems, including OCD, trauma, depression, anxiety, former alcohol and opioid addiction. I just smoke weed now, and not really that much weed.

My husband has PTSD, ADHD, and chronic physical pain. Him and my dogs are the only reasons I haven't CTB yet. My first real attempt was in 2003, and I often wish I'd done it, though the way I had planned would have definitely traumatized some people, so probably for the best that I didn't finish. Trying to be smarter now.

There's a lot more I could say about myself, but I guess that's a pretty good introduction. I don't want to dox myself, so I won't get into job, etc.

I guess I'm old. I'm surprised I'm still alive. I chose my username because I just had a birthday, and I've had a lot of birthdays lol

 

[Higurashi415]

24M. I've been in my room either sleeping or watching porn for a week. Lost 5kg in the process. Struggling with mental health since I can remember.
I hope to find like minded people here, this place helps me stop living this masquerade of a life I sometimes have the strength to pretend I have.

 

[leavingsoon.]

˚₊‧꒰ა ☆ ໒꒱ ‧₊˚

> shitty childhood bc of shitty family thats ultra religious. get beat by parents daily.

> im a baby

> parents take me to do some IQ test

> i score pretty good

> go to school

> ok-ish at socialising ? good at presentations and public speaking

> classmates mostly pretty nice so i dont get bullied. get called "weird but in a good way".

> no matter how much i study my grades are shit

> i get beat for my grades among other things

> get told that bc i scored high on some bullshit IQ test, when i get bad grades im not trying

> parents finally send me to psychologist to try and see if i can get exam accomodations

> turns out i have delayed processing ?

> parents dont believe in psychology but allow it anyway hoping that my grades will improve bc of exam accomodations

> grades still are shit

> slowly realising that i have no real friends who will understand me. current "friends" arent exactly mean, but they just cant understand me.

> deteriorating mentally, getting panic attacks. cant do public speaking/class presentations anymore.

> meanwhile older sister always makes unsolicited comments on how she "has it worse" and that her life is harder than mine (???)

> doing even worse in exams & parents are tired of my shit.

> get sent to another psychologist to renew the forms for my exam accomodations

> find out have anxiety and depression

> ultra religious parents are not happy about this "psychology nonsense"

> time passes and stuff isnt improving. parents give me shit for it.

> end up going overseas with my sister to study so that we can do the exams for that country's university.

> yay ! i dont have to deal with my parents ! maybe i wont want to die anymore ?

> in a new school and the food is shit, facilities are disgusting, and people are so much meaner than in my home country

> cant make friends, people look at me weird

> culture clash ; people think my food/dress/media is weird/gross. very different beauty standards too.

> end up hanging around a group of snobby international students just so that i dont have to be alone.

> they're all from the same country & go to same language classes whereas i dropped language as a subject when i moved & am not from their country. im not in their "inner circle".

> they treat me like shit, and are just as mean as the locals. they talk shit about me. get picked on about my country's culture ?

> have to deal with girl who bullies only me. makes fun of my clothes/looks/money/everything. get picked on everyday.

> want to die. ( as always )

> realise that people aint shit. i dont need these fucks !!!

> finally cut them off. i give very short/curt responses and they eventually stop talking to me.

> isolate myself from these people. its weird having to see them every day but instead of overthinking and getting picked when im around them i get immersed in my own thoughts now.

> get incredibly angry at all the shitty classmates/teachers/everyone/everything/life. frustrated and angry everyday.

> oh shit i want to die again !

> end up joining this platform.

 

[daisymayhem]

Hi, joined a few days ago, have cptsd, panic disorder, etcetera.... I also have a severe form of SAD that emphasises my need to die and has me climbing the walls suicidal. Which has just kicked in. I was promised last year that I wouldn't have to go through another winter alone by a doctor. They've done nothing, no support at all, 2 mental health rejection letters on Saturday, tried to going private no one gets back to me. In a really shit place. Sorry for the long winded whinge...

 

[moonoverthesea]

Hii!

My name is moonoverthesea because Im not super creative with words and I decided to describe the best peaceful image that came up to my mind. The sea side is my safe place.

I'm struggling with my physical health, as I have some GI issues, completely out-of-whack hormones due to PCOS, some other issues with my reproductive organs and now COVID for the third time! This has been going on strongly for two years now, most of the time doctors dismissed me as "anxious", and as my autonomy has declined so has my mental health. I'm very tired, and I feel like my mind is trapped in this disfunctional piece of flesh, if it makes sense.

On happier stuff, I really like vocal synthesizers (e.g. Vocaloid), I occasionally draw, I often serve as an amateur graphic designer, and I read quite a bit. English is my second language, I also speak decent French and I really like learning bits and pieces of Japanese.

Thanks for making this site and keeping it alive (lol!). :)

 

[FriesLovee]

Hii!

My name is moonoverthesea because Im not super creative with words and I decided to describe the best peaceful image that came up to my mind. The sea side is my safe place.

I'm struggling with my physical health, as I have some GI issues, completely out-of-whack hormones due to PCOS, some other issues with my reproductive organs and now COVID for the third time! This has been going on strongly for two years now, most of the time doctors dismissed me as "anxious", and as my autonomy has declined so has my mental health. I'm very tired, and I feel like my mind is trapped in this disfunctional piece of flesh, if it makes sense.

On happier stuff, I really like vocal synthesizers (e.g. Vocaloid), I occasionally draw, I often serve as an amateur graphic designer, and I read quite a bit. English is my second language, I also speak decent French and I really like learning bits and pieces of Japanese.

Thanks for making this site and keeping it alive (lol!). :)

I can't even message anyone lol idk how to

 

[moonoverthesea]

I can't even message anyone lol idk how to

I'm pretty sure the message function is locked until you've interacted with the forum for a blit, same as the chat and the search function :(

(Blocked for me too obviously)

I can't even message anyone lol idk how to

Sorry for the double post, maybe we can find a topic in Offtopic to chat if you wanted to DM me? I haven't explored that section yet, but if you have ideas I'm listening!

 

[Jeklah]

Hi everyone.

I struggle with dysthymia, anxiety, suicidal thoughts and feelings. I'm extremely lonely. I'm not the person I once was...I used to have friends, a social life...but now I've been cut off by everyone , even my family, becaus I talked about my problems. Not everyone wants to hear it apparently. I grew up hearing if you had problems talk to family and friends? So I did?

My issues started with me falling in love with a girl at school which I never got over. She was my best friend. I told her how I feel but she didn't feel the same.

We're still in touch.

I did meet someone else years later, after being friends with them on a forum for 10+ years they admitted they had feelings for me. We dated for a year. It was perfect. I went to USA to see her, she came to UK.

Then she stopped taking her meds and broke up, got a sex change, said she didn't want to date anyone ever again and then ended the friendship.

So yeah, that broke me. I told her I couldn't go through another heart break. She knew about the last girl. I don't know why she did it. Why we even dated. I just don't know.



Either way I'm very alone now, and it doesnt seem to look like it will change. Suicide crosses my mind often. I've tried a few times but never been successful.

Anyway..that's me in a nutshell.

 

[FriesLovee]

I'm pretty sure the message function is locked until you've interacted with the forum for a blit, same as the chat and the search function :(

(Blocked for me too obviously)

Sorry for the double post, maybe we can find a topic in Offtopic to chat if you wanted to DM me? I haven't explored that section yet, but if you have ideas I'm listening!

I dont even know where is that lol