Introduce yourself

[threevoices]

ive been too shy to post but i guess im biting the bullet now ^^"

im 19 currently, 20 in less than 2 months (which sounds pathetic to clarify tbh)

i suspect myself of having many conditions like autism, DID, ocd, bpd, ptsd, pots, chronic migraines, etc (i say suspect because i cannot seek a diagnosis due to my current living environment). i also have a worsening english language deficit which i believe is due to autism, if i speak peculiarly or like i speak english non-natively that's why

i dont know how ive made it this long, i thought i would die before i turned 17. its a bit surreal to be alive, even though im doing alright as of writing this. i have a feeling that ill die before im "supposed to", either by ctb or an accident

for hobbies i like to play games (animal crossing and pokemon mostly), write stories, i draw sometimes too. i also have a website i hand-coded from scratch that i like working on

 

[Romanticize]

Im 35yo male from Poland. Very smart, I was always best in class, scoring high in competitions, esp. maths and physics.

However my dad has mental illness and was abusing my family since i was a little kid- I witnessed scenes that are worse than any horror.

Since 20+ years i struggle with behavioral disorders and severe depression. 6 years ago I started to self-medicate (used 150+ psychoactive substances) but got hooked on opioids and got severely addicted to oxy and morph. Taking 1g of M daily!

I live with my elderly (75+) yo mom, who loves me, and with my dad, who I think takes his antipsychotics. He still abuses us but not physically like he used to do, but he doesnt help at all in home, doesnt clean after himself, hes a total asshole.

I was in psych ward twice, I had substantial amounts of money which i spent/ lost al, I have chronic problems with my health. I almost dont leave my house due to depression.

Having S thoughts and ideations 24/7, decided to CTB like a year ago, just waiting for the items and occassion now.

I explored a lot of forensic stuff (got med school books, gore, dying methods etc). I think I have big knowledge of that.


Looking for a partner if possible (i wrote in the thread) I got loads of morph, benzos and SN. However I prefer inert gas method or firearms. Shoot me up if you wanna talk...

 

[pandorasactor]

Hello! I decided to finally create an account and post here.
I'm 21 years old, and I enjoy watching anime (favourites would be Cyberpunk Edgerunners, Bleach, and Akudama Drive) and sleeping (lol).

Anyways, it's good to be here and I hope that we can be friends :)

 

[hysteric]

hi everyone
im 18m and i've been a lurker for quite a long time on here.
i like to sew and i like anything relating to clothes

 

[Myforevercharlie]

Welcome new users!

Be sure to read the rules carefully, the mods here are very banhammer happy

Nah, seriously, I hope you'll all find a safe place here

 

[Squishyface]

I'm a 40 yr old female.
I'm divorced, no kids. My family is already doing just fine without me, and it seems like I'm a burden when I reach out.
I have one friend, and lately it feels like I'm a burden to them, too.
I try not to reach out to anyone anymore. When they contact me, it gives obligation vibes instead of genuine care.
I already have a plan in place, just here to learn more.

 

[athiestjoe]

Been browsing here for too long and finally joined. 40M in USA. Thankful to be here with people who won't look down on me knowing I plan to CTB and find some peace & serenity finally. Figured I should give back to this awesome site before I do CTB and when I do CTB I will let everyone know what protocol/method I land on for whatever that is worth. So many have been gracious enough to talk about their efforts I figure before I leave this earth I should do the same. Hope everyone finds whatever peace they seek and I plan to do the same!

 

[thenorthern]

Late 20s man from UK. Have been suicidal for the better part of a decade I would say. Try to be friendly to everyone I talk to. Happy to chat with whoever :)

 

[mango-meridian]

Hey everybody! New here.

I'm excited to finally get to talk in a space where I don't have to hide the fact that I may eventually ctb. I have felt so isolated dealing with this for a long time and not knowing who is going to freak out, report me, or try to send me to a hospital if I mention it. I hope that in my time here I will either be able to find some actual solutions or I will finally ctb.

The main reason that my life is unlivable is that my mind feels as though it has some kind of severe impermanence. Each day it feels like some dice are thrown and the outcome is my mental state. Feeling like a completely different person every day is exhausting and impossible in so many ways.

A little about me: I'm in my mid 20's and a trans woman. (At least, I think I'm trans. I'm honestly still working through that.)

I'm not super familiar with the layout of this site yet but would appreciate any advice on how to actually make use of this community if you want to really to make living "work", particularly for someone dealing with issues similar to mine.

 

[Noctulian]

Sup. I hope to make some friends in here

 

[WildAtHeart]

hello, from UK, England. Depressed.

 

[killorbekilled]

Hi
I'm a disappointment who can't get his life and shit together
I hate pain so I'm looking for the least painful way
Wonder how much longer I'll last

 

[Golemishna]

Hi. My name is Álvaro, Im from Spain and I turned 32 two weeks ago, I know I look younger and i kinda hate it. I like art in general, playing guitar and drawing. Just starting to get a liitle active here, ive always been a lurker in this forum, now i kinda want to interact with it.

 

[pezkeus]

Hey. I'm know as Nicholas. I like to write some garbage and listen to music in order to deal with my everyday dimness. Nothing much to say.
I stumbled upon here after a long period of time searching "suicide methods" using Google. I'm most likely to read posts quietly rather than engaging and posting my own.

 

[sickoceanbunny]

I'm...me

 

[EgoBrained]

I am just a hikikomori in the early 20's who spends most of his time on a computer.
I like watching anime, playing games or listening to music.
To the people observing me, I shall be nothing, the wind, the sky.

 

[skyflame]

heyo from south wales, UK.
33/F
suicidal and sarcastic. please don't message all at once.

 

[jisi]

hi! just call me jisi (don't worry about the name it's an inside joke you wouldn't understand).
i'm a girl from england and i've been lurking on here for a really long time before i got the courage to join. i'm a nowhere artist and i like to draw and listen to music like a lot of people do but i mostly just rot in bed all day :(
i hope i can make good friends on here. i'm happy to be here :)

 

[star.trip]

Hi,
I'm new to this forum although I have been visiting it for more than a year and a half without registering and I think the time has come to interact and make my own decision.
I came across this forum a couple of years ago searching the Internet.
My native language is Spanish and I use a translator when I have trouble with some English words. I like music very much.
Thanks for reading me!

 

[nomoredolor]

Hey there you can call me Anna and I live in Maine, USA. 31F.

I have wanted to die off an on since age 12. I recall having vivid fantasies as a child of being murdered or killing myself. I grew up extremely religious. I used to masturbate thinking about girls and then would cut myself as punishment. I tried very hard to be straight and did the straightest thing I could think of: I married a man. We've been married now for ten years. I would beg god sobbing for YEARS to make me straight. Then I just begged him to kill me.

I told my family I was queer in 2020 and my dad tried to get me to go to conversion therapy. They don't support me. My husband and I are best friends but we are going to divorce because I am a lesbian.

I lost my virginity as a young girl (under age 7) to my older brother. Despite that I tried so hard to wait until marriage so god would bless our union. But my fiance, now husband, raped me. He understands consent better now, as do I, and he has apologized and regrets his actions.

I have a lot of religious trauma along with healing from childhood abuse and other fun things along the way. Losing loved ones to suicide has been painful, ngl.

Now I am lost. Living with chronic pain/illness and in poverty. I don't know how I will have prospects if I can't work full time. I'm autistic and terribly sensitive and this world was very much not built for me. I see everyone's pain around me and I feel it as if it's my own. The pain of the world hurts my heart.

I am blessed with many loved ones and some good memories along the way too. I feel that the pain however will always outweigh the good things. And that it would be a mercy to myself to end things.

I don't want to displace my pain onto my sister. And my loved ones. I wish I could just not have been born so that they didn't have to suffer.

Thanks for Reading, sending all of you my love.
P.S - I bought a death planner I've been filling out and it's been sooo helpful for organizing my affairs. I have already even had someone agree to officiate my service. (They don't know what I'm planning it was proposed as a far off contingency plan.)

 

[JagJones8]

My name is Mike and I am 39. I honestly cannot remember the last time I felt anything close to happiness, joy or hopefulness.
My wife and mother of my 3 children left me early this year and proceeded to systematically destroy my life since then. She lied and accused me of domestic violence (which is something I would NEVER EVER do), filed a restraint order, had me arrested for violating the RO by text messaging her to try to save our marriage, and just this morning got the court to grant her sole custody of our children (primarily a result of my RO violation). I already felt like my life wasn't worth anything before all this, but now I know it isn't. Those kids were all I was staying for.
I joined this group because I don't think anyone around me understands how I really feel. They can't fathom the depths of the hopelessness, self hatred and anxiety that starts the moment I open my eyes each morning and doesn't stop until I mercifully fall asleep each night. Glad to be somewhere people understand those feelings

 

[ChaosArashi]

Hi, I'm 53, divorced and all 4 of my kids are over 18 and out of the house. I had 19 yrs in abusive house, followed by 23 yrs in an abusive marriage. Spent the next time in survival mode raising my kids, trying to be the best mom I never had, giving them everything I could to give them a good life. Now they're grown, and I'm alone. I broke my spine working on our home, to have them all move out 6 months after we moved in. So I'm in a 2 story, 4 bedroom home I can't physically keep up, with a mortgage I can't afford. I took a new job in a max security prison, thinking a state job would pay the bills. Well, on paper the gross should be great. In reality, I still can't afford basic utilities and car with mortgage. My financial situation is the cause of all my anxiety and hopelessness. I physically can't just go get more jobs. I work as many computer side gigs as I can, remote work, I even tried Uber, uber eats, etc. But I live in the middle of nowhere (seriously, there's hitching posts at the bank, grocery store, gas station) with nothing but Amish and Wineries. I'm locked into this house because it's a Habitat house so 10 million restrictions, so I can't even sell it and move. Not like I have money to do that anyway. I get my food from the local food pantry. My arthritis, anxiety, depression, CPTSD, ADHD, and dislocated vertebrae make me in constant pain and suffering. It's never going to get better. I thought if I could just keep a roof over my head I could be happy, but this is insane. Yesterday my brakes went, so now I've missed 2 days work and I'm $120 short to pick up my car from the repair shop. I don't have the money to CTB in a nice way. I'm thinking a few $20 propane tanks and some candles, then go to sleep and let the gas blow me and house to hell. Can't be worse than living.

 

[Houraisan_Kaguya]

Hello! I'm from the UK and am 24 years old. I've been a NEET since I was 13, almost half of my life at this point, with essentially no support system and outside help since I turned 18. I've known about this website for a while, but only recently has the desire to surround myself with likeminded people in similar situations become overbearing. I want a community I can call my own, and I hope I've finally found it.

I have a wide range of interests like music, literature, movies, anime and games, but I tend to stick to only one of those things at a time until I get burned out on it. Currently I'm focused on anime, and have decided to finally put all my free time to use and try to catch up on my watch list. If anyone would like to talk about any of these things, or anything at all, please reach out! Thank you.

 

[mango-meridian]

Hey there you can call me Anna and I live in Maine, USA. 31F.

I have wanted to die off an on since age 12. I recall having vivid fantasies as a child of being murdered or killing myself. I grew up extremely religious. I used to masturbate thinking about girls and then would cut myself as punishment. I tried very hard to be straight and did the straightest thing I could think of: I married a man. We've been married now for ten years. I would beg god sobbing for YEARS to make me straight. Then I just begged him to kill me.

I told my family I was queer in 2020 and my dad tried to get me to go to conversion therapy. They don't support me. My husband and I are best friends but we are going to divorce because I am a lesbian.

I lost my virginity as a young girl (under age 7) to my older brother. Despite that I tried so hard to wait until marriage so god would bless our union. But my fiance, now husband, raped me. He understands consent better now, as do I, and he has apologized and regrets his actions.

I have a lot of religious trauma along with healing from childhood abuse and other fun things along the way. Losing loved ones to suicide has been painful, ngl.

Now I am lost. Living with chronic pain/illness and in poverty. I don't know how I will have prospects if I can't work full time. I'm autistic and terribly sensitive and this world was very much not built for me. I see everyone's pain around me and I feel it as if it's my own. The pain of the world hurts my heart.

I am blessed with many loved ones and some good memories along the way too. I feel that the pain however will always outweigh the good things. And that it would be a mercy to myself to end things.

I don't want to displace my pain onto my sister. And my loved ones. I wish I could just not have been born so that they didn't have to suffer.

Thanks for Reading, sending all of you my love.
P.S - I bought a death planner I've been filling out and it's been sooo helpful for organizing my affairs. I have already even had someone agree to officiate my service. (They don't know what I'm planning it was proposed as a far off contingency plan.)

Welcome! I relate to the autism and religious trauma and trying to live a lifestyle that just isn't for me. I hope you find the support you need, whether that be advice/support on improving your life circumstances or methods/information on CTB.

 

[Shy_Shay]

hy idk if i should do this since it has been a year since i left the forum but why not, hy i'm shy or Sarah (not my name nor my gender unfortunately) i like animes, games, rain and sad songs they are me in the most natural way, always sad, always numb, always empty... i have a caring family and good friends yet i'm nothing, i'm already at 29 yet i see no way ahead... hy i'm shy and this is my song

 

[JustAnx]

Hi!!
Just got my registration aproved and am very pleased to be able to participate.
I'm from country where english is not the languague, so please bare with me on that .

Well, i'm an early forties man. I have generalized anxiety disorder and i pretty much think it has been with all of my life.
Currently i'm a friendless, childless single man. I have had friends (very few) and girlfriends in the past; But now i'm not in such a good place.
Basically, what's been eating me lately is the fact that my life is the way it is. I'm a lonely old man, that's probably gonna end up sad and alone. Since anxiety is very strong in me, is really hard for me to not overthink things and somedays are worst than others. I forgot to mention that i'm an independant worker, so also in that regard chances of meeting people are slim at best. Also forgot to mention that i also don't have the biggest self steem. Sometimes i feel there's something about me that probably makes people think i'm not worth the trouble of getting to know me or to engage in friendship, idk… But like i said i've had friends and girlfriends (7 girlfriends). And i also sorry to say, that at least 3 or a couple of them really loved me. But i'm flawed and made mistakes, took things for granted, made bad decisions, acted wrong out stupid meaningless things, etc…
So here i am, a lonely sad old man child.
Since i've always struggled with GAD, life hasn't been very easy to live and often, during bad times i have thought about leaving this world, but never to the point of attempt.
I still haven't attempted (is this a word?) but know i found myself looking into actual information on how to do it effectively, peacefully, without leaving a mess and hopefully with as little pain posible.
I feel very hopeless. I feel frightened of a lonely existence and also frightened to do anything to stop the emotional pain.
Since anxiety is strong on this one, fear tends to be more accute? I wanna say? Idk.
Well, thanks to anyone who took the time to read this, probably didn't paint the whole picture, but i think i made pretty good effort.
Cheers.

Edit: I know there's probably people with worst problems than me and if you are one of those people, i'm sorry for whatever is causing you pain and hope you, somehow, find relief.

 

[lifeundersiege]

Hello. I am a male in my 40s from Michigan, USA. I was married for ten years and have two daughters from that marriage. Those children are all I have to show for my time here.

I have been told that I am good looking, funny, whatever. I never cared about acclaim of any kind. I am usually very cold and cynical, but the things I love are the focus of my universe. While I will always love my daughters, they are out of my grasp and therefore I have nothing to live for. I cannot be convinced otherwise.

That said, I still long to care for and love a woman again. It isn't necessary, but since I have never known unconditional reciprocal love, I am curious if it is even possible for me.

Anyway, this is kinda stream of consciousness. I have lived alone for five years and it speaking conversationally whether online or in person is a rusty skill right now. Thank you all.

 

[NeoN0va]

Hey there,
I'm just your average shy human being that plays games and watches anime to escape from whatever this reality is. I'll be visible every now and then on the site as long as I don't CTB (Which I do hopefully soon :D). I'm also quite fucked mentally, so be cautious when speaking to or requesting something from me.

 

[lwovely]

Hello there, I am 19 years of age and I am currently in trade school. I really love fashion (specifically jfashion) in general, I collect egl and gyaru clothes. I dabble bit into archive as well. I do lurk on this site sometimes since I find comfort in this site. It just feels so welcoming having people who struggle with the same issues as I am.

 

[somewhat_damaged]

I'm just your classic underachiever. There's nothing remarkable or even interesting about me. I've struggled with mental health issues since early childhood. I have a tentative plan to end my life in February.