Random thoughts

[Schopenhauer]

I'm glad you feel better. And people who randomly get blood poisoning and then just not wake up the next day are lucky af. (Though most people with blood poisoning really suffer).

The world is so fucked up. People like us would actually pay to trade places with them. Going to sleep and never waking up... a man can dream.

 

[Fallen bad23]

I have my dark days and happy miss sunshine days which I dread the most. On those crazy days I would text my friends and maybe go out with them. Damn I would even allow myself to talk all the freaking time just so they act nice and don't ask why they haven't seen me for the 4 months?! I just hate those days as I know that once they are over, I will discover a deeper pit of hell that I never knew it existed before. I just want to die has become my mantra over the past two year, I keep repeating that from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep. If only I could just get myself to ctb! Now I have no energy to do anything, I don't want to live still I don't do anything to die.

 

[Throwaway563078]

Can't even enjoy sleep anymore. Because I know I'll eventually wake up, the same person with the same, mind, life and environment and continue this hell.

 

[Help_Me]

Suffering from panic all morning. Don't know what's gonna happen..

 

[Help_Me]

Guys, my breathing is so hard, idk what to do. My work day just started. Gonna take a pill and see if it will ease my panic

 

[littlelungs]

Guys, my breathing is so hard, idk what to do. My work day just started. Gonna take a pill and see if it will ease my panic

I really feel for you. Hope the pill helps.

 

[littlelungs]

I have a "set" ctb date all planned out, but I have a feeling that I'm going to psych myself out too hard and end up not following through with it on the actual date. The date is mainly set for the sake of comfort and something to "look forward to", but honestly, my suicide will probably just end up being impulsive.

 

[Help_Me]

I really feel for you. Hope the pill helps.

Thank you so much for the support. I really need to speed up my preparations and buy th equipment. My salary day is soon..

 

[Dani Paradox]

What are trophy points

Suffering from panic all morning. Don't know what's gonna happen..

I feel you, man. Hope it works out okay. You've got this.

 

[Help_Me]

Thanks to all above who helped me and felt my pain. Ok, 2 pills made me like a vegetable) but my limbs are finally stopped convulsing. But my mind is foggy because of pills, nobody saw anything. I can continue somehow my day at work.

 

[Schopenhauer]

I hate myself. I hate how I destroyed my relationship with the woman that I still love. I hate how she can still make smile, even away.

 

[littlelungs]

I'm well on my way to being hammered. I love 70s disco music, it is my jam. I HATE that I have to hide my drinking. God FUCKING forbid that there's something that brings me up, even if it's only temporary. There's a reason why I would take shots of vodka in the bathroom while I was in university, for god's sake.

I'm definitely gonna be drunk when I ctb. I could easily hang myself right now and not give a single damn, but I still have things to do and notes to write. Call it juvenile, but I'm excited for the note where I tell one of my childhood abusers to go to straight to hell.

But, as it stands at this very moment, things are ok. Maybe my drinking is a problem, maybe I don't give a fuck.

 

[Lost1234]

Because I don't speak a lot ,

I'm egoistic to some , I'm dumb to others, I'm very intelligent to some , I'm shy to others, I'm awkward to some , ....

If only they knew , that all I want is to die peacefully ... any moment now.

the more I try to hide my thoughts, the more I lose myself..... and because I'm not hiding it well, the faster people judge my personality into someone that I'm not.....

 

[AndyCurious]

Because I don't speak a lot ,

I'm egoistic to some , I'm dumb to others, I'm very intelligent to some , I'm shy to others, I'm awkward to some , ....

If only they knew , that all I want is to die peacefully ... any moment now.

the more I try to hide my thoughts, the more I lose myself..... and because I'm not hiding it well, the faster people judge my personality into someone that I'm not.....

All of that sounds just like me...

 

[Throwaway563078]

I hate myself. I hate how I destroyed my relationship with the woman that I still love. I hate how she can still make smile, even away.

Some people really have that effect

 

[blueming]

If only euthanasia were legal and accessible to everyone.

 

[Trashcan]

I hope my family goes to happy hour on Sunday and I can ctb then.

 

[Throwaway563078]

I hope my family goes to happy hour on Sunday and I can ctb then.

I thought you had second thoughts about ctb?

 

[Trashcan]

I thought you had second thoughts about ctb?

I did but now I really wish I went ahead and ctb. If I don't end up doing it on Sunday, I'll get to be home alone for like 4 or 5 days next week most likely so maybe I'll do it then. The survival instinct ruins things but then I always regret not ctb.

 

[Throwaway563078]

I did but now I really wish I went ahead and ctb. If I don't end up doing it on Sunday, I'll get to be home alone for like 4 or 5 days next week most likely so maybe I'll do it then. The survival instinct ruins things but then I always regret not ctb.

Good luck either way. I hope you overcome it.

 

[littlelungs]

I can't deal with these ups and downs for much longer. Fuck all of this.

 

[Help_Me]

Got drunk with a few shots of whiskey. Listening to depressive music, crying a bit... and i have to go at work tomorrow. I just hate myself and my life

 

[your pathologist]

Jon
I'm sorry
I wish I'd never left.
But you're so much happier...
Perhaps my greatest mistake was leaving so you could achieve your best life.
Why won't you leave my dreams?
Our love is a ghost
It haunts me

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

With jumping being one of my considered methods I find it funny that Van Halen's song "Jump" was #1 on the day I was born.

Also, that painful moment when you stub out your cigarette with your foot while wearing socks because you're a spaced out dickhead who can't think straight.

 

[Schopenhauer]

More drama from me:

About an hour ago she texted me a single sentence: "I hate you." (We haven't seen each other, or texted, for nearly two months.)

This is her really compact way of saying "I hate the fact that I still love you/miss you, despite everything you did."

My honest reaction would be to say "I hate you too." But this would unleash a chain of events that'll bring us together again. But even though she makes me feel much better about everything, our love is not enough to overcome my desire to die. She knows that too. But she doesn't know that I've decided to die this year.

What should I do? If I ignore her, it'll hurt her a lot, and she probably will never contact me again. But she will be free to move on. Anything else I say most likely will bring us together (unless I say deliberately abusive things to her, which I'll never do.)

Any advice is appreciated, I mean it.

@your pathologist: your verses resonated deeply. I'm haunted by love too, and I'm apart for the same reason.

 

[RottingFlowerBrains]

These random thoughts are dedicated to no-one.
I am glad to be home. Tonight i am planning a quiet night in.. i will eat lots of yummy food and smoke a little and relax and feel contentment.. if only for a night. Ill watch my YouTube,ill zone in and out.. playing in my head.
I wont let the ugly thoughts in and ill fight the flashbacks if i can.. ill remember what it's like to feel safe and well fed, clean and warm and okay.
Yesterday was a terrifying day. Its days like that which remind me so of the wonderful living situation i am actually in.. it could be so much dire.
I am glad to be home.

Rfb

 

[littlelungs]

I'm just so disappointed in everything. I'm a perfectionist and I know that I'll never be truly happy with anything. I know that I will never be at peace with myself. I know that I will never be able to accept how flawed the world is, despite all of the other good things that come with it. I know that I will never be able to fully wrap my head around just how BIZARRE this whole "existing on a giant rock in outer space that orbits a star in a universe that could go on and on forever for all we know" kind of thing, and the fact that humans keep reproducing just because they can.

There is a constant, never-ending void inside of me that I've never been able to satisfy even remotely, let alone fill completely. I crave companionship, intimacy and emotional fulfillment, but feel fundamentally unworthy of love. I'm terrified of abandonment and I've sabotaged anything good I've ever had going for me, because I'm tortured to the core.

I don't feel like I fit in with the rest of the world at all, and to be honest, if what I see out there in the "real world" is what it means to fit in, then I don't really want to. All of this importance on money, possessions, prestige - none of it matters to me. As far as I'm concerned, literally nothing fucking matters in the grand scheme of things, and just the fact that I exist is a massive waste of time.

I'm tired, I crave a level of peace that only death can provide, and I take comfort in the fact that when I'm dead, I'll finally be left the hell alone.

I can't wait to get the fuck off of this planet.

 

[Lizzie S.]

@Schopenhauer Damn. It seems like there are a lot of people here dealing with love drama. I would suggest being honest with her... I don't know. Love can be so hard. Sorry I don't have better advice, but I would say to follow your heart and do what you think is right. If there's any way that you think you could live for her, do that tbh. But obviously I'm pro-choice.

@your pathologist it's like your speaking from my soul... amazing how powerful love is, how it feels so intimate and yet is expressed often times the same way.

 

[Lizzie S.]

@Schopenhauer
I also may be projecting a bit because I wish my ex would send a longing text

 

[Schopenhauer]

@Schopenhauer
I also may be projecting a bit because I wish my ex would send a longing text

Thanks. I couldn't help myself, and texted her back. It'll take a few days for this situation to develop.

But even if we do get back together, I'll ctb this year. I just can't stand living anymore. I've waited too long.

Fortunately she's suicidal too, and I can be honest with her. She feels the same way.

I've only kept apart because I thought she was happy with a new girlfriend, and I would never like to ruin it for her. She deserves her happiness, if she can find it. But now that she reached out to me...