Redt2go
flower child
- Jan 5, 2019
- 1,643
It disturbs me how calm I am about ctb. Now that it is perfectly logical to me I don't feel bad about it...
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15dec
ember in the dark
- Dec 7, 2018
- 1,550
I really should tell my friends I'm not ignoring them and just deleted social media.. then again they haven't tried asking why I haven't responded, so I don't know..
Redt2go
flower child
- Jan 5, 2019
- 1,643
They might not want to bug you
Othermind
Specialist
- Dec 26, 2018
- 301
I've had a bit of a crisis yesterday.
Basically told my parents straight up that I'm going to ctb soon. Bad move, I know. They were visibly shocked but I don't know how seriously they took me since they're emotonally repressed as hell. They haven't even mentioned it since and are basically acting like nothing happened.
Anyway, I've moved up the schedule a bit as I'm starting to realize it's pointless to stick around, so I will be purchasing the SN and the anti emetics soon and end it sometimes in april or may once I've gotten some things out of the way.
I've cried twice today, but I also feel calmer. The things that used to be triggers for me are not as bad anymore, because, duh, I know I'm a piece of shit and a despicable human being but I'll be dead soon so whatever.
I don't know, it could just be that I haven't been drinking in almost a week, we'll see.
Basically told my parents straight up that I'm going to ctb soon. Bad move, I know. They were visibly shocked but I don't know how seriously they took me since they're emotonally repressed as hell. They haven't even mentioned it since and are basically acting like nothing happened.
Anyway, I've moved up the schedule a bit as I'm starting to realize it's pointless to stick around, so I will be purchasing the SN and the anti emetics soon and end it sometimes in april or may once I've gotten some things out of the way.
I've cried twice today, but I also feel calmer. The things that used to be triggers for me are not as bad anymore, because, duh, I know I'm a piece of shit and a despicable human being but I'll be dead soon so whatever.
I don't know, it could just be that I haven't been drinking in almost a week, we'll see.
Redt2go
flower child
- Jan 5, 2019
- 1,643
I completely relate to this
Othermind
Specialist
- Dec 26, 2018
- 301
Same for me with your post.
I can't quite process the fact that I'll be dying soon, I dread it and look forward to it at the same time, all the while not even thinking it's for real.
I wll say this, it feels way more liberating that the prospect of hopping back on the therapy merry-go-round.
Sinbad
Self-Annihilation is loading...95%
- Nov 27, 2018
- 542
Dogs are my favorite humans!
Redt2go
flower child
- Jan 5, 2019
- 1,643
Stability and happiness has been an illusion throughout my life...
VoloFataliDoce
The World Is Quiet Here
- Jan 23, 2019
- 114
The best poetry and artwork comes from people who understand that simple fact. Fleeting moments of happiness are only followed by deeper agony.
mattwitt
# 978
- Jun 28, 2018
- 2,307
bunny
保管
- Oct 3, 2018
- 365
there's so much conditioning from abuse surfacing. i please everyone around me. i let them degrade me because i just want to hear a voice. i want company. i never had love. i never had compassion. and even if i did, it wouldn't last anyway. they realize how horrible i am. we all die. we all are forgotten. i wish i could isolate myself from the world. i wish i didn't have the urges to speak to people. there is no solace in people. there never will be
lost illusions
bye
- Sep 12, 2018
- 548
Despite how down I've been, I found to toy to drown out the noise in my head
Redt2go
flower child
- Jan 5, 2019
- 1,643
Getting rid of all my stuff reminds me of how exhausting moving is. I've moved so many times. I'm so glad I'll never have to move again! Trying to surpress my happiness bc a sudden increase in mood is a sign of suicide.
Johnnythefox
Que sera sera
- Nov 11, 2018
- 3,129
I feel like I'm in a place of limbo, my past life keeps playing over in my head.
sadsoul
Alive and unwell
- Sep 9, 2018
- 440
It's weird to think that there was a time when I didn't think about death, a time when everything wasn't so hopeless and broken.
TheCrow
Invisible Spirit
- Sep 26, 2018
- 802
It actually makes too much sense.
sadsoul
Alive and unwell
- Sep 9, 2018
- 440
School is already torture and people seriously expect me to go to uni or get a job? Lmao I might be suicidal but I'm not a masochist
Redt2go
flower child
- Jan 5, 2019
- 1,643
Ever tried drinking an obscene amount of alcohol? When i was 14 I chugged a bottle of spirits in public and was unable to stand, rolling around in the gutter vomiting on myself for hours until I got taken to drunk cells. There was a LOT of vomiting before I became unconscious/fell asleep. I had a five day "hangover" that I think involved concussion from repeatedly hitting my head on the concrete trying to sit up or stand.
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Redt2go
flower child
- Jan 5, 2019
- 1,643
Moving your belongings is fucking exhausting
lost illusions
bye
- Sep 12, 2018
- 548
Redt2go
flower child
- Jan 5, 2019
- 1,643
I miss you @Smilla xxx
Smilla
Visionary
- Apr 30, 2018
- 2,549
Miss you too and love your avatar btw.
Redt2go
flower child
- Jan 5, 2019
- 1,643
CFLoser
I fcking hate myself
- Dec 5, 2018
- 611
I CHALLENGE THE WORLD!
Redt2go
flower child
- Jan 5, 2019
- 1,643
I REALLY want to do LSD before I die. Unfortunately I'm too disconnected to know a drug dealer :( oh well at least I've had lucid dreams
lost illusions
bye
- Sep 12, 2018
- 548
You should try German gummy worms lol
Made4TV
A hopeless hope junkie
- Sep 17, 2018
- 574
I keep thinking I'm like Truman...in the movie Truman (Jim Carrey)....and someday soon I'll bump into the sky and find it's rreally just all a huge movie or TV set and the calamity of my life has just been fodder for the masses.
stellabelle
ethereal
- Dec 14, 2018
- 3,919
There's something I want so badly but I have no idea how to achieve it
