That’s all folks…..

[kitkat9234]

What's the fucking point. My daughter wants nothing to do with me and we have no relationship anymore. She's with her father this weekend and for the holiday. I had asked if she wanted to stay with me Sunday night into Monday since I'm off of work for one last chance to spend time with her. I told the Universe if she said no then this is my sign to fucking end it. Turns out she has a sleepover party Sunday into a Monday so looks like I have my fucking answer………..

What's the fucking point of going on anymore. I don't even know why I'm even posting….

I don't have to go back to work until Wednesday. I originally planned it this way. Thought that there might be a chance with my daughter and not going through with it but I have my answer now. No turning back….,

I still have to write out all my credit card/subscriptions/log ins/insurance information to make it easier to settle my affairs. So overwhelming. Need to do it tomorrow. I feel like a dick if I don't but hey I'll be dead so who cares.

Still need to practice measuring out everything with table salt and mix it. Still worried I will fail SN as I don't have meto or benzos. Will improvise with other meds. Need to brush up on protocol. Still worried I will throw it up and fail. But I need to just do it just do it just do it already.

Will probably plan for Sunday at some point. I live alone and no one will be looking for me. Hoping my cats won't give me away by meowing to alert my neighbors. They (my cats) don't care anyway…. Nobody fucking cares. I have no one and I've ruined everything. And these meds have ruined me.

I just need to do it just fucking do it just fucking do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't stop crying…..

 

[Hiro Uchiha]

I'm sorry it has come to this. That's awful. I feel the sadness in your post. May you find peace in whichever path you'll be taking.

 

[kitkat9234]

I'm sorry it has come to this. That's awful. I feel the sadness in your post. May you find peace in whichever path you'll be taking.

Thank you I wish I could go back and change things. I've fucked everything up with my selfish decisions. It eats me up everyday. Im constantly reminded of my fuck ups. I just need to end it. But im scared

 

[kitkat9234]

So many credit cards and accounts to write out log ins/passwords. Subscriptions then life insurance and retirement account documents.

I feel obligated it to do this so it's not more of a mess to deal with after I pass. Getting all my debts paid so can pay out the rest of my life insurance money faster. My apartment on the other hand is going to be an ordeal. So much stuff…. Ugh.

So much to do with so little time. I'm hoping I will have the energy and motivation to do everything tomorrow. Still undecided about suicide notes. Not sure what I would say. It's really only my mom, my daughter and her father. Then last wishes for burial? I don't know…. Just put my ashes in a dumpster. I could request military burial and honors as I'm a vet but feel like it would be a disgrace since it's clearly a suicide.

So much to fucking think about!!!!

Anything else I am missing? I should have bought this end of life planner I saw when I had the chance but was still on the fence.

 

[Firefly.Forest]

What's the fucking point. My daughter wants nothing to do with me and we have no relationship anymore. She's with her father this weekend and for the holiday. I had asked if she wanted to stay with me Sunday night into Monday since I'm off of work for one last chance to spend time with her. I told the Universe if she said no then this is my sign to fucking end it. Turns out she has a sleepover party Sunday into a Monday so looks like I have my fucking answer………..

What's the fucking point of going on anymore. I don't even know why I'm even posting….

I don't have to go back to work until Wednesday. I originally planned it this way. Thought that there might be a chance with my daughter and not going through with it but I have my answer now. No turning back….,

I still have to write out all my credit card/subscriptions/log ins/insurance information to make it easier to settle my affairs. So overwhelming. Need to do it tomorrow. I feel like a dick if I don't but hey I'll be dead so who cares.

Still need to practice measuring out everything with table salt and mix it. Still worried I will fail SN as I don't have meto or benzos. Will improvise with other meds. Need to brush up on protocol. Still worried I will throw it up and fail. But I need to just do it just do it just do it already.

Will probably plan for Sunday at some point. I live alone and no one will be looking for me. Hoping my cats won't give me away by meowing to alert my neighbors. They (my cats) don't care anyway…. Nobody fucking cares. I have no one and I've ruined everything. And these meds have ruined me.

I just need to do it just fucking do it just fucking do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't stop crying…..

I am so sorry for all the pain and suffering you have been through. I can relate to much of what you are saying as far as wishing you could change previous decisions made, not having things done and not having everything needed for the protocol.

I understand the torn feeling you are expressing as well as the misery because it mirrors my own. I hope whatever path you choose can bring you peace.

Sending kindness your way....Hugs

 

[kitkat9234]

I am so sorry for all the pain and suffering you have been through. I can relate to much of what you are saying as far as wishing you could change previous decisions made, not having things done and not having everything needed for the protocol.

I understand the torn feeling you are expressing as well as the misery because it mirrors my own. I hope whatever path you choose can bring you peace.

Sending kindness your way....Hugs

Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it. I'm sorry you have also found yourself here

 

[Dumbass]

I'm sorry you're going through this :( The process of figuring out accounts/cards/etc can be a lot, good on you for doing the work of figuring things out for others despite what you're going thru. I wish you the best

 

[Redacted24]

Hi, I admire your efforts to make things easier for those you're leaving behind. That in and of itself demonstrates that just because you've made poor choices in the past, those don't define you as a person. You're clearly caring and thoughtful - and regretful - which implies you are aware and pentinent.

You're a good person, deep inside. I'm sorry you're to this point.

Thank you for serving! Don't hesitate to use the veterans benefits you've earned! Way too many that served lose to their struggles and exit early. There's no shame in that.

Don't be ashamed for having fought for so very long for yourself and for your daughter. You did your best, right?

 

[FadingSnowFake]

I'm sorry for where life has brought you. We all make mistakes, and I know all too well the feeling of wanting to go back, to undo things, to make it right. You've clearly thought about this and want to get it done. I just hope you can find some time for you, to find some calmness, between all the affairs you are trying to finalise. I don't have kids, but understand you being very emotional about your daughter. I was a horrible teenager myself and regret those years, I only got closer to my mom after school.

As for the last wishes, I don't think suicide is a disgrace and as a vet you deserve that burial. It will also make arrangements easier I think for everyone concerned. Fyi, I'm in process of corresponding with a funeral services firm, and asked for my ashes to be disposed of in the cheapest way possible. The response was, "to organize your funeral is one thing, "dispose" your remains another thing, as I can't dispose human ashes somewhere…" I guess, just be specific, and as far as I know your last Will is the most important.

You are a kind soul, I wish you all the best, and send love your way.

 

[MyShadow]

What's the fucking point. My daughter wants nothing to do with me and we have no relationship anymore. She's with her father this weekend and for the holiday. I had asked if she wanted to stay with me Sunday night into Monday since I'm off of work for one last chance to spend time with her. I told the Universe if she said no then this is my sign to fucking end it. Turns out she has a sleepover party Sunday into a Monday so looks like I have my fucking answer………..

What's the fucking point of going on anymore. I don't even know why I'm even posting….

I don't have to go back to work until Wednesday. I originally planned it this way. Thought that there might be a chance with my daughter and not going through with it but I have my answer now. No turning back….,

I still have to write out all my credit card/subscriptions/log ins/insurance information to make it easier to settle my affairs. So overwhelming. Need to do it tomorrow. I feel like a dick if I don't but hey I'll be dead so who cares.

Still need to practice measuring out everything with table salt and mix it. Still worried I will fail SN as I don't have meto or benzos. Will improvise with other meds. Need to brush up on protocol. Still worried I will throw it up and fail. But I need to just do it just do it just do it already.

Will probably plan for Sunday at some point. I live alone and no one will be looking for me. Hoping my cats won't give me away by meowing to alert my neighbors. They (my cats) don't care anyway…. Nobody fucking cares. I have no one and I've ruined everything. And these meds have ruined me.

I just need to do it just fucking do it just fucking do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't stop crying…..

Our kids are the most profound sources of joy and heartbreak. My son stopped talking to me six months ago and won't share his reasons and the pain of that curls up in the bottom of my stomach then races up through my heart and into my brain. It hurts so much that I've lost the ability to cry. I just feel numb and useless.

 

[TBONTB]

Our kids are the most profound sources of joy and heartbreak. My son stopped talking to me six months ago and won't share his reasons and the pain of that curls up in the bottom of my stomach then races up through my heart and into my brain. It hurts so much that I've lost the ability to cry. I just feel numb and useless.

I am so sorry for this pain. I've understood that children separating from their parents is a growing painful trend.

 

[MyShadow]

I am so sorry for this pain. I've understood that children separating from their parents is a growing painful trend.

Thank you. I should tell you the whole story to give you a better understanding of why it's so heartbreaking.

 

[kitkat9234]

Thank you for the kind words everyone. I really appreciate it

Our kids are the most profound sources of joy and heartbreak. My son stopped talking to me six months ago and won't share his reasons and the pain of that curls up in the bottom of my stomach then races up through my heart and into my brain. It hurts so much that I've lost the ability to cry. I just feel numb and useless.

I'm so sorry. It's so unbelievably painful.

 

[kitkat9234]

Running out of time…. Still haven't written anything out or practiced… need to get my ass in gear.

I just need to do it just do it just do it just do it just do it just do it just do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why is this so fucking hard?????????

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Do you need to talk?

 

[kitkat9234]

Do you need to talk?

I don't even know……

I'm procrastinating getting everything ready…… it's just so much work getting my affairs in order. I don't know if it's my SI or what is going on. I visited cemeteries earlier today though and think I found my spot. I need to get motivation to get things settled. I keep putting it off. Have so much to do….. fuck.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

I don't even know……

I'm procrastinating getting everything ready…… it's just so much work getting my affairs in order. I don't know if it's my SI or what is going on. I visited cemeteries earlier today though and think I found my spot. I need to get motivation to get things settled. I keep putting it off. Have so much to do….. fuck.

It's really hard. If you want you can talk about the conflict between you and your daughter. You don't have to interpret her answers as signs for you to die especially if she has no notion of your feelings or plans.

 

[treeckofan]

Running out of time…. Still haven't written anything out or practiced… need to get my ass in gear.

I just need to do it just do it just do it just do it just do it just do it just do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why is this so fucking hard?????????

It's hard because of survival instincts. You don't need to do it. You can try living another day.

I feel the pain and despair in your post. You mentioned you wish you could go back and change things. I wish I could turn back time and do life differently, too. You're not alone.

 

[Firefly.Forest]

Running out of time…. Still haven't written anything out or practiced… need to get my ass in gear.

I just need to do it just do it just do it just do it just do it just do it just do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why is this so fucking hard?????????

I have been thinking of you today friend. Hopefully you took a couple of minutes for yourself. I am sorry for all the pain, misery and difficulty.

I know it is all important, perhaps just try to focus on working it down in priority order - be gentle on yourself.

Hugs to you.

 

[kitkat9234]

Thank you all for your kind words everyone I really appreciate it.

I'm just numb right now. I guess a part of me wants to stay but for what? A dead beat mom who ruined her daughter's life…….. all alone with no friends or family. Groundhog Day suffering and still things get worse everyday.

I'm terrified of failing. Worried I will gag trying to drink sn and that I will throw everything up. Scared of the whole dying process and what happens after. If it's worse than it is now. How will my daughter be affected even though she wants nothing to do with me.

How is this my fucking life. Like how am I trying to plan everything. Like is this actually happening????? Why can't I just go through with it!!! I wish I could drink alcohol….

SI is such a bitch. I'm running out of time.

I just need to do it just do it just fucking do it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Thanks again for all your replies

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Can you explain what happened with your girl? She sounds very young and so I don't know how much weight to put into her proclamations that she is done with you forever

 

[Ashu]

Thank you I wish I could go back and change things. I've fucked everything up with my selfish decisions. It eats me up everyday. Im constantly reminded of my fuck ups. I just need to end it. But im scared

I know the feeling, I too am tormented by regret and remorse.

 

[FadingSnowFake]

I'm just numb right now. I guess a part of me wants to stay but for what? A dead beat mom who ruined her daughter's life…….. all alone with no friends or family. Groundhog Day suffering and still things get worse everyday.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think every good mom will feel like you do, because you want what is best for your kids. I just think that when we decide to go, we need to be as sure as we can be. From the little that I've learned, most of us experience Groundhog Days, whether we are a parent or child or whoever in this crazy place.

I also thought about you this weekend, because in being here, you are not alone. We don't know all of each other's stories and can only listen and share from our own experiences. My mom is 74 this year and recently apologised again for making wrong choices. I know she did the best she could in the crappy years of our lives (my dad was abusive and passed when I was 13, leaving her with nothing but three kids and no money). I turned into a brat not thinking my mom was also suffering but somehow, we survived.

Whether the unknown upcoming Groundhog Days will be better or worse, we never know and we can only do what we believe is best at the time. Words just sound so empty, but whatever you decide, you are so very brave. I'm sending hugs and hope that you can find the peace and calm you need within