Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[nattanatta]

It's getting worse and worse. Fighting the suicidal thoughts is getting almost impossible now. The pain is so overwhelming, and I have no idea what to do with it. Self-harm only helps for a little while. I can't believe this is real life. I just want it to stop.

 

[standingfast]

It's getting worse and worse. Fighting the suicidal thoughts is getting almost impossible now. The pain is so overwhelming, and I have no idea what to do with it. Self-harm only helps for a little while. I can't believe this is real life. I just want it to stop.

I feel this. It like drowning and no one sees it.

 

[standingfast]

I feel my emotional resources are depleted every day living in a world where every day experience being unsafe, that I don't belong, and unloved with so much animosity toward me.

I am growing impatient to go, but I have to be thorough and careful if I want to succeed.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

How do I feel? Pretty glad I managed to snag post #6969 in this thread!

Well actually I feel terrible about having a panic attack and leaving work early again but at least I got post #6969 in this thread.

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly awfl life all strgl all pain sffr, now me strt crzy say do same all time

 

[soledad.virgen]

i just want to get it all over with in a way that won't hurt the person I love.

 

[fleetingnight]

A little better, which I'm grateful for. I had some time to relax. I need a bit more rest though, hopefully soon.

 

[兎の耳]

Tired. Just a kind of deep weariness I feel down to my soul. All I want to do is sleep and everything else just gets in the way of that.

 

[JustAnx]

Well, i feel kinda relieved that i'm about to take 1 mg of klonopin out of the 2 mg i take at night time. Second dose is later in the night.
My life is still gonna be less than ideal, but at least the drug is able to make me feel less anxious about it… For a couple of hours at least.

 

[anopenwound]

broken.

 

[Myforevercharlie]

A weird combo between absolute loneliness and wanting to be left alone.
Quite annoying

 

[skylight7]

Scared, depressed, anxious, tired.

 

[Natanael]

I feel sore, but at the same time intrigued, all accompanied by a general disinterest for some reason.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Like an irredeemable, heartless monster that needs to be defeated. Saw a recent definition of psychosis and some parts of it I related a bit too much. I don't want to have to be locked up because even if I am there's no guarantee it will keep people safe. In order for me to stop causing harm I need to be killed entirely.

 

[JustAnx]

Anxiety. But already took my second klonopin dose of the night

 

[zaza23]

These days I don't know if I want to die more because I hate living or more because I hate how horrific the rest of the world is. I have no faith at all in any ounce of kindness in humanity. Kindness is a lie. Everyone is out to carve a piece of your soul from you. And we're supposed to spend our lives fixing and regrowing those broken parts of us only for someone to do it again. I hate every single second of breathing. Healing is exhausting and there is literally no point.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I just really hate having the number 4 in my post count so I'm posting this to get rid of
it.

Edit: ok actually I feel kind of fucked up from waking up. I feel like I was having such a nice dream but now I can't remember it beyond that I felt saved in my dream.

 

[Promised Heaven]

Chewed gum for at least six hours straight yesterday from stress. My jaw hurts. And that means I can't eat anything that requires chewing without pain. Worth it.

 

[JustAnx]

Fear

 

[Space Outlaw Bunny]

it just hit me that in 3 days it will be a year when I finish my stay in an open psychiatric ward
that was the best time of my life
for the first time I said to a few people, quote: "I'm cisn't" and after that maybe on the next group therapy I said at the beginning I don't feel like I have a gender, I'm non-binary, I use multiple pronouns and I prefer a different name
and everyone used that name (only nurses not bc they always used full names, but I was ok with that)
I even used an opposite bathroom bc there were more women than men so nobody cared who used which bathroom if they were clean
yeah, my father said maybe I should to commit suicide a weekend before, my long relationship ended over the phone a few weeks later after my cat-in-law died
but I never felt better, safer, understood, welcomed, accepted and I actually liked myself
and a lot of things turned out not okay after some time
only to one friend I said about my gender, was more accepted that my ex partner, just once to my uncle about prefer calling me like a nickname and he used this a few times, probably nobody from my close family remember about that when I told how everyone called me bc it's similar to my deadname (it's a only argument why I thought about different names I like)
I never told anyone again except my therapist what I had gone through
over a year I felt miserable, helpless, depressed, suicidal and I still do
but I'm happy I was there

 

[star.trip]

Today I feel empty as if there is nothing. I don't know if it's the weather or the autumn. I feel trapped and a little afraid

 

[Privateer2368]

I'm in love.

My whole life is a total shambles and I know that she could never love me back, but I can't help it.

The way she smiles at me and the way she laughs and the way she says my name...it makes my heart skip beats.

I love her smile. It's so wide and honest and her teeth are quite big and not very straight and it's beautiful.

She's so funny and full of life, too. And so smart.

I wish I was the kind of man she could love.

She's been so kind to me, even so; she found out when my birthday was came into work on her day off to deliver a big, home baked, heart-shaped cake. Nobody else except my best friend even remembered my birthday.

She works the nightshift- apparently she ended up there after having a fight with her boss about how he treated me.

I'm pretty sure I'm in love.

My best friend says she loves watching us interact. She says I'm so obviously in love that it's hilarious and adorable.

I spent an hour with her tonight at work. I made her laugh a few times.

I'm still a mess, but tonight I feel something better than despair.

 

[HereIGoAgain24]

Holy shit, I do not want to go to work today.

I teach at a public school in China and these teenagers are pathetic. They talk constantly, don't listen to me, and if I ever show a picture of a Black person, they all start saying the n-word and laughing. The education system isn't teaching them anything either, just indoctrinating them into being a dictator's lapdogs.

I just want to quit my job but then they'd revoke my visa and I'd have to go back home to the US- and that's even worse. I don't know, maybe it's time to take a one-way flight to Europe with my SN and just CTB in some out-there part of Norway or something.

 

[JustAnx]

Sleepy, 12 am, tomorrow (today) will be another almost copy/paste from yday.

Btw: This my post 100 .

G night to all you, special people.

 

[mysteryboy]

Emotionally exhausted and physically drained

 

[absolutelyyou]

Pure white hot rage



-because I have hay fever and I haven't been able to breath through my nose in days

 

[standingfast]

Overwhelmed. There is nothing I want in this life, nothing that makes me want to try. I get pressure to figure all this out from my family, my job, my psychologist. Everyone - except my psychologist - just seems to want me to fix my emotional hell because it inconveniences them, it makes it hard for them. And it is no picnic for my psychologist. I still go because she is the only respite from all this agony.

Since I was 4, I have been constantly searching for three things: safety, belongingness and love. I am 51 and still on the same search and still come up empty. I have always felt like an outsider and always that people just need me to shape up and behave. My lack of safety, belongingness and love isn't even an afterthought for them. What is destroying me doesn't enter the picture. I tried so, so many years to figure this out and find what I am missing. I am tired of never finding it.

I do feel safety and love with my psychologist, but not belongingness. I don't belong in her world other than the medical service she provides. My biggest fears are (1) my method to CTB will fail and leave me worse off and (2) that my actions will get her in trouble. I am trying to figure out how to keep her safe.

The best thing for all, the thing that solves all the problems that people say I am and also ends my suffering, is to CTB. I add nothing of value to this world at all. I don't even fit here on this website. I am nothing. I am a mistake and a cancer in this world.

 

[Punpun Onodera]

Excited, I can order my sn soon

 

[soledad.virgen]

i think I'm a fundamentally broken person, well I've thought that for a very long time now, but it's been on my mind more and more these past couple of months. it hurts, and I'd like to be my real self again, the person i used to be like in 2018. that would be really nice and make me happy again.

 

[Rudeus_Greyrat]

Tired. I don't want to suffer anymore, I don't want to fight for something that is not certain. I don't want to get skills for a random possibile hypothetical job that won't give me back my best friend and my ex, the people I loved so much.
I want to be happy. I want to go home. I don't want to bother with nothing from this world anymore. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to "grow up", or to slave away.
I simply refuse this shit.