Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[NoPoint2Life]

In the mornings, as I'm in the bathroom, doing my hair and brushing my teeth I have been obsessing lately over the inevitable death of my mother. It's going to be about two weeks more for us to find out if she has cancer. She already has a shit load of health problems and quite honestly I'm amazed she still alive. today I started thinking of questions to ask her about certain things to give away. I know I'm jumping the gun, but this has always been a fear of mine for when it actually happens. And then my father pops into my mind and I get really scared because of something happens to him who is the healthy one I am totally screwed. Then I'll have to care for my mother alone and he is the driver in the family. It's like I'm obsessed with death lately.

 

[Space Outlaw Bunny]

I had not so good months and a lot things happened. It hit me more than I thought. I'm not doing well at uni. I want to hurt myself. One person I know and really care almost CTB. When I wanted to write about this I felt pathetic and I still do. Maybe bc it seems like little problems. Maybe bc I always push everyone and big part of me don't want people to care about me and hate me. Even a part of my family I love.
I feel like an attention bitch now. But I don't know what to do anymore. Socializing never was easy for me (hate my autism and no social skills most of the time). Jeez, I'm so pitiable.

 

[Mirrory Me]

Feeling like there's no point to continue with this thing anymore.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

There's no place where I can genuinely say that I feel safe. I don't feel safe anywhere. Many users talk about how this site makes them feel safe but I don't feel safe here just as I don't feel safe anywhere else. This site isn't my home. Earth isn't my home. I am only meant for permanent non existence and nothing else. For as long as I am alive, I will always be terrified and be in absolute agony. Just like how somebody would feel terrified if they got told that they will be forced to die at all costs no matter what, I feel just as terrified (though I'd say that I feel more terrified) when people say that I will be forced to live no matter what

 

[TheHolySword]

Heartbroken. I shattered any chance I had at a good life. I think about her every day and what could have been. But this pain won. I am surrendering to the depression and the misery. I cannot and do not want to do this anymore. And I won't let anyone be part of it that doesn't have to be. I am broken and alone but it's how it had to be.

 

[pilotviolin]

a little bit afraid, dazed, ashamed, conflicted, confused, and lost to be honest. i dont know how to be. im in a very conflicting relationship at my work, im doing whatever the slowburn version is of a bender popping in and out of serotonin syndrome, i cant be with people or ill become overwhelmed from attention but im painfully lonely, im kind of going psychotic but also realising how i have been for years lowkey and not noticing or being self aware at all and the way i view and feel everything has actually fucked up a fair bit of my life, im not eating sleeping and barely functioning, i am confused and scared and feeling very alien and noticing how much i actually do not understand at all. im sure a few people will relate too but i feel like im living in a very different reality to most people brainwise. like if someone saw something clearly, i see it inverted, fucked up and mangled and it could be a sleeping fly. alot of the stories about mental health services im hearing from people i know and around are dastardly and i feel like im giving up figurative and more importantly literal control by admitting i need help anyways. i used to think most reality checks to and from myself were about not really being "mentally ill" and how im just choosing to not be normal but seriously the real reality check is even if i chose not to be in some twisted way, stuff isnt right and im not just making things up cause im messing up everything.

 

[Prism]

I just wish things could have been different. My life, the world around me, all of it.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I can't cope with dealing with other humans and their bullshit. I just can't. I'm going insane from seeing people talk about suicide as if it's the easiest thing that a human can do and that anybody who isn't killing themselves actually wants to live. Seeing people like that makes me so nauseous as well as makes me angry. My brain feels like it's splitting in half. I just can't deal with people, I can't

 

[savory]

zonked. feels like thc. insomnia again nearly 24hrs. body is tired, eyes are not

 

[broken_doll]

empty. idk, it's kinda weird now that ive sorta got a date in mind again that i like.
just doomscrolling and going "i don't need to care/worry about this, i'll be dead". its kind of nice to not have to waste mental energy on dumb tweets or jealousy or whatevs cause i. won't be around anyway so XD
but im just. lonely. idk

 

[HereTomorrow]

I can't get myself to CTB. I feel like I'm a glitch, a bug, living past the the credits of my intended suicide and in an epilogue of purgatory.

Chronically scared, on edge, the minute I'm vulnerable I'm scared even more. My heart won't stop pounding these past few days. I can't focus on work, I can't focus on hobbies, I can't focus on fun. I can't enjoy life this way, and I can't stop.

 

[render]

i think im not gonna enter any more relationships. im too unstable. all i do is hurt people

 

[billie]

no one would care about my suicide

 

[CTB Dream]

me no want stay this awfl wrld this pain sffr no end

 

[Red Moon]

Angry, past bad painful memories and flashbacks are coming back to my brain and I'm furious at what happened.

 

[IcarusUnderSun]

Im just tired of the monotony, my knee kept locking up this morning and it didn't hurt thankfully but I'm so fucking tired of my body falling apart. I can't keep doing this.

 

[Prism]

I can't take any more bad things happening, I really really can't

 

[HereTomorrow]

i want to be appreciated for still being here but it's selfish for me to ask

 

[byebyeblondie]

I feel alone and lost. I am disliked and therefor invisible to most people who were supposed to be family or were who I thought of as 'friends'. My head is full of dark traumatic memories that replay over and over in my head, it's like my brain just plays this horrible movie on repeat but it's my life. I have 3 people who I love more than anything and anyone in my entire life and I've only ever let them down. I want to do everyone a favour and end it all and whilst I have the means to do so, I am scared so I feel trapped, pathetic and incredibly alone.

 

[render]

god im such a piece of shit

 

[TheHolySword]

I'm ready to die. It's getting harder and harder to stay alive. I need to stay until May of next year for my life insurance to payout for a suicide. But. Once my SN arrives I don't know how I'm going to fight this urge. It's so overwhelming, it's every part of my being. I want to end it all, I want to be free. My SN should be here in just a few weeks and when it is, I don't know how I can possibly keep going for another 5 months.

 

[End_it_all]

Severe anhedonia. Stuck between perpetual, excruciating boredom and a complete lack of motivation to do anything about it. Restless but lazy. Frustrated. Hopeless. My body is riddled with anxiety and is in constant fight or flight mode. Regretful.....and very, very lost.

 

[Plutopolis]

Lonely

 

[iwantmycatback]

Any hope I ever had of recovery was shattered with what you did to me this morning. Such an insanely stupid fucking thing ended up being the nail in the coffin for me. I just want you to know that ultimately, it was you who killed me. I knew all along exactly who you were and had to work on trusting you for over a decade, only to have the bombshell dropped on me that you're exaactly who my gut was telling me you were this whole time. Back then, you showed me your true colors and I didn't believe it. I'm so stupid, and brought this on myself because I never fucking learn.

 

[CTB Dream]

vawfl lif this me sffct this me pain sffr this me noable doany

 

[render]

the world is cursed because of my existence and everything bad that's ever happened is because i'm alive. the onlyw ay for the world to finally be at peace is for me to die. i must die to grant happiness for everyone

 

[cashmeout77]

Like I wasn't made for this world. My mental health and drug dependency are like massive black holes that suck the joy, meaning, and beauty out of everything that could have made me happy.

 

[ijustwishtodie]

I'm so exhausted and tired. This morning I felt so happy because I genuinely thought that I had a shot at killing myself. My thought process was that I could somehow gain my parent's trust for me to order SN and then use it whilst my mum is gone to pick my brother up from school. An anti emetic here is OTC as well so I shouldn't have issues obtaining it. My plan (by this I mean I was just thinking to myself rather than making a concrete plan) is to get SN and drink it whilst my mum is gone to pick my brother up (which takes around half an hour for her to come back home) and then I'd leave the shower tap on which should give me another hour after that (as I do tend to take super long showers) which altougher gets me to 1 and a half hours.

I was the happiest that I've ever been because I thought that I actually had a shot at killing myself. I genuinely thought that I managed to find a way to get around my parent's strict and controlling behaviour. I really thought that I did. Unfortunately, I did not because I've read the SN megathread once again and it states that death happens somewhere between 40 minutes to 4 hours after consuming the SN depending on the individual that consumed it. Since I'm a young and relatively healthy person, it'd take a lot longer for it to kill me and unfortunately I don't have a way to get 4 hours.

This made me so devastated. I've never been more devastated in my entire life. I know that people have died after around 40 minutes based on seeing goodbye threads here but there's no guarantee that the same would happen for me. This isn't something that I can risk because, if I fail, I don't have a way to attempt again and I never will as my parents would be even more controlling than they already are.

I'm just so tired and exhausted. All I beg for is some rest, is that too much to ask?

 

[S like suicide]

What i've learned in all of these years of suffering is that for me it is not true that after the dark there is the light....you hit the rock bottom and after that still noone is gonna give you a reward because you survived...there is nothing,just other suffering and I feel so enormously sick and tired of the endless pain...a life of lonliness and heartbreak where the only happy thought is death...this very sad.
If I think about all the things I 've endured and all the tears i've shed...i have no words left to explain.

 

[Prism]

I wish I felt comfortable sharing things that happen in my personal life here, but I have this (probably irrational) paranoia that people who know me will somehow come across this forum and see my posts and be able to identify me based on any info provided

So I'll just say I feel like my heart's been shattered into a million pieces and leave it at that