Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Electra]

I feel a little undecided. Like what am I supposed to do now? I wanna be involved, but don't wanna seem too pushing.

 

[blood-orange]

Starting to feel numb from the SSRIs i'm taking.

 

[sukiduki]

i feel so depressed and i wish i could express it and talk about it more than just typing some words here and then tabbing out. i'm grateful to at least have this outlet but i feel like i'm constantly screaming internally idk how much longer i can last

 

[tiredtired]

numb depersonalised terror. going through the day is just discomfort. everything feels wrong. from my body to my mind. brain chucks so much at me. i yearn for peace and safety. sometimes that's some time alone. sometimes that's immersion in art. sometimes that's being asleep. sometimes it's yearning for death.

 

[Prism]

I hope something good happens for whoever reads this

 

[Promised Heaven]

I doubled the dose of marijuana yesterday to cope and the aftereffects has affected me throughout my shift. I've been getting minor memory gaps (Being in the break room but barely remember walking there), a bit more brazen, not anxious in the slightest, and overall perked up.

Looking to buy more from the dispensary sometime next week and stockpile as much as I legally can, it's the only way I can keep myself from impulsively ending my life.

 

[IsolatedChaos]

I feel extremely anxious. Exhausted, but restless. I'm wishing for pasts that are too late to mend, and I feel like I'm not allowed the privilege of feeling like others do. I feel like every time I try to set a boundary I'm at fault for doing so. I don't feel like I have the privilege to live as a human. I don't feel well-treated. Not by other people, but in a sense not even by life itself. I feel so. Fucking. Tired.

 

[cme-dme]

Melancholy. Feeling pretty tired.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

Tomorrow is my birthday and I don't want to wake up here. I want to wake up one year ago, when my ex organized a lovely Cars-themed surprise party with my friends. With each passing day I lose more and more hope, it seems like my Michi isn't coming back and it's breaking my heart. I gave her everything, I did my best, I spent 7 years alone before I met her and I really, truly loved her. It wasn't an intense and consuming sort of dependent love which, apparently, is what she would've wanted: it was a calm, beautiful, patient feeling of care and trust and thinking that beautiful person would stay in your life in one way or another despite the label and that someone finally understood and loved you for who you are after all these years of loneliness and pain.

And then just gone. In an instant. Like second gear in my car's gearbox during the last racing event of 2024. All the effort and passion I could muster, years of waiting, months of care: gone in fractions of a second. How am I supposed to have hope when this just keeps happening to me like God was just constantly denying me the two things I've always wanted, the two things that make me feel like all this fucking effort to survive is worth it?

 

[CTB Dream]

You would think on a website like this, you'd find people who wouldn't contribute to your existing trauma in some way, but lesson learned.

ya vsry hman all awfl even forim do samy rly awfl evn me injury damage ppl make pain sffr make wrs make trama

 

[cme-dme]

Actually, I'll write some more. I have been reading romance doujinshi lately. It is particularly fluffy and cute romance and I enjoy reading them but they make me feel incredibly lonely and depressed. I wish I had people I could be close with and show my affection to. I am listening to this song on loop for a while now. It's both calming and melancholic. I might fall asleep with it playing. It's from the game Yume 2kki which is a game with overwhelming beauty at times.

 

[render]

the truth is that im not even human. im a monster, an irredeemable scumsucking lowlife bastard with nothing goin good for him. i hurt too many damn people just by bein myself and i deserve to be isolated from everyone cause otherwise ill hurt more people. its a fuckin public service im doin here

 

[Seaghost]

Oh no, the world wants something from me but I don't wanna see the world.
I want to have a a cave. A cave where time doesn't exist. With blue rocks and crisscrossed shimmering gold lines and a fluroscenting small green river. I like the sound of running water.
So fast...everything is so fast even when its only in my mind. I can't stand this world any further.
I want my cave...my blue cave...

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I feel at war with myself and absolutely frustrated. I sometimes feel hope, when I wake up, my body and mind feel better, less anxious and almost as if they wanted to forget about my Michi. But the pain is still there, the facts are still the facts, and this nightmare just keeps on going: this profoundly sad feeling that I tried my best and I waited and I hoped, I HAD HOPE, and it all turned out to nothing and she's happy with that fucking asshole and her mom is kinda hitting on me and making me feel uncomfortable.

I haven't had the guts to open the Messenger app and check if she's texted me. I'm always conflicted between these stupid guides and advice about not being too available, about letting her miss me, letting her know with distance that she made a mistake and I'm not as available to her as I used to be, but...I want her. I really do. I love her, specifically her, not the idea of a relationship but that precise woman. My Michi. I want her back so bad.

It's my birthday and I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I know I should be grateful for my friends and family and I try to be, but all I want is a text from her. All I want is to travel back in time and live forever in that night when she organized me a surprise birthday party.

Actually, I'll write some more. I have been reading romance doujinshi lately. It is particularly fluffy and cute romance and I enjoy reading them but they make me feel incredibly lonely and depressed. I wish I had people I could be close with and show my affection to. I am listening to this song on loop for a while now. It's both calming and melancholic. I might fall asleep with it playing. It's from the game Yume 2kki which is a game with overwhelming beauty at times.

Overwhelming beauty is such an interesting concept, but sadly one that hits too hard at times. It's that longing for closeness, for being able to give love...I get it.

 

[Electra]

Sleepy, worried, decided, not sure, just a mix of everything.

 

[sinfonia]

I want to be crushed by a boulder.

 

[sukiduki]

every morning ive been waking up, feeling so anxious and stuck in fight or flight. i'm panicked. i'm tired. i feel so sad after. i feel empty. i don't think i'll ever be loved. no one will really miss me.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

Are you happy God? With this fucking monkey paw of a life you've given me? With this torturing half-measure I keep living every day? Why can't I have it "all", when all I'm asking is nothing beyond what other normal people have, when I've done the work and I supposedly deserve to have what I've wanted all these years?

She messaged me today. It was a mixed blessing. It shows she somehow still cares, enough to remember my birthday and break the silence to reach out and say something nice, but the distance is evident. She was my Michi, I was hers. We were so close, we talked all day, every day, about everything. And now it's just...fragments, a stupid and clumsy dance I KNOW YOU LOVE DANCING MY MICHI I KNOW AND THAT'S WHY I PAID FOR THOSE CLASSES BECAUSE I WANTED YOU TO HAVE FUN TO FEEL A PURPOSE TO FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS, I mean, clumsy and stupid dance full of precaution, like a fucking minefield.

WHY THE FUCK DID I LIVED THROUGH 8 YEARS OF LONELINESS AND HEART BREAK AFTER A 5 YEAR RELATIONSHIP THAT ALMOST KILLED ME ONLY TO END UP HERE? TO KNOW LOVE AND HAPPINESS AND TRUST AGAIN AND FOR IT TO BE TAKEN AWAY FROM ME WHEN I WAS STARTING TO REBUILD MY LIFE???

I'm sorry. I know I have good friends, people who love me, I got amazingly loving messages today. And yet, I can't have what I want. I'm told all the time I'm a good guy, I'm smart, a good son, a good colleague, a good friend, but it's always love, like Moby fucking Dick, always eluding me no matter how hard I try or how good I am. I will never be enough. I wasn't enough for my Michi. Part of me feels about to forget her, wants to feel hope, but what has changed? Absolutely fucking nothing, I have no real reason to have hopes when life took away the most beautiful person I've met, right when I needed her the most, after all those years of waiting and trying.

Life is a fucking monkey paw.

 

[onthefence]

Please kill me now. I can't do this anymore.
You can't OD, you don't have enough and you would have to go buy vodka.
Please kill me now. I want to leave. It hurts so bad.

 

[CTB Dream]

rly awfl lif cncpt all thing disapr time movmov dtriort

 

[Electra]

Worried, relieved, hopeful, sad, anxious

 

[CTB Dream]

no want stay this awfl lif

 

[Seaghost]

Too much of everything. Just surviving is so hard.
Too much noise in my head. Too much information.
Can't handle.
Want to be of the grid. Brainpeace please.
My blue cave...want my blue cave and no time around me.

 

[fuewybfunsfoiceoi]

Just punch me in the face already, （＾∇＾）
Stab me ↖(^ω^)↗
Kill me o(≧v≦)o
Take me away ( ; _ ; )/~~~

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm very stressed out right now. I have an exam tomorrow and I'm so behind. I haven't watched most of the lectures yet and I haven't typed out notes for them. I was also too focused on studying for my other exam yesterday that I'm only have today to studying for this exam. This exam is worth a quarter of my grade. I'm so behind that I know that I'm going to fail it.

 

[Zanmato]

Paranoid and anxious

 

[Dark Moon]

I'm not happy, I tried adding a couple of people on fortnite after a match to see if I could make friends and have someone to play with which I haven't done in many years, it felt like they didn't like me. I don't think I'll do that again after this experience and just play on my own.

 

[Michi_Violeta]

I'd give anything to know what's on your mind right now, my Michi.

Why did you come back? Why do you insist on coming back? Last time we met, the same day you were returning from a weekend out of town with that asshole, when you showed me so proudly the bruise you had got in kickboxing class, that day I made it clear I didn't want to be your friend. You offered friendship, I said you know how much I give to my friends and that you had done nothing to earn my forgiveness. Still you keep coming back, since then it's always been you who initiates contact. Even though I'm absolutely sure you're still with him, I know that beautiful profile picture in that lovely dress and your usual femme fatale look wasn't taken in our city.

You had me blocked on Messenger and then unblocked me. Then I started taking my distance, replying after a week or two, and you initiated contact through WhatsApp for my birthday. And we've been talking, alright, and you've sent me a video of you dancing and now you're sending me voice memos explaining stuff about urban dance genres and qualias and shit. At 11 P.M. Why? WHY? WHY GOD WHY THIS FUCKING MINEFIELD OF A LIFE WHY IS EVERYTHING SO FUCKING COMPLICATED WHEN I'VE BEEN NOTHING BUT HONEST WITH PEOPLE ABOUT MY FEELINGS AND MY INTENTIONS AND WHO I AM?

I'm starting to feel better against my will. It feels almost as if my body and my subconscious were betraying my emotions, my personality, the pain I've been through. Why does my body want to go on? Nothing has changed, I'm still defeated, I'm still hopeless, she isn't here, I've given up on Violeta after so much repeated failure. Why do I feel so calm and almost normal yet there's part of my mind that definitely doesn't feel like it did before?

There's still 120 pills of amitriptyline hidden in my bedroom and now I don't feel I have the courage to take them or to look for SN. Why has my body and unconscious mind moved on if nothing has changed?

Worried, relieved, hopeful, sad, anxious

It's a very interesting mix of feelings and one I can fully empathize with, here's hoping the storm clears out soon!

 

[Seaghost]

In the night it was not that bad. Watching professionals baking bread - hobby of me.
No the anger is coming back. I'll try to sleep but I think my sleep rythm will get more bad.
Fucking next week.
Sleeping and never wake up...mhhh or nit beeing ill anymore. Fuck you life.
Want my cave so badly...
Good whishes for all of you.

 

[Catchingdabus27]

Night are bad again which is interesting. I'm tryna find sone peace. Was gaming. Drinking kinda but barly feel it may eat soon or try. I dunno. I wonder of im longing to leave while hoping to stay.

I wanna self harm but its been like awhile??? At least a yr. Im trying to find myyyyy.... minds smthin. I don't feel like this is my best but. Im ok so I say to mend the other parts of me.... this isn't really ok tho.