"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[UsagiDrop]

Also don't usually post around because I'm always feeling like burden to everyone

You won't be a burden here in this thread, if you decide to participate. And you're not a burden at all, in general! Thank you for taking the time out to comfort others, though, that's very kind of you, especially when you don't share your troubles yourself. You also seem like a wonderful and lovely person.

You're welcome to vent here, or comfort others here, or just lurk. I'm sorry that you're feeling depressed and lonely, but there's company here if you're ever needing some. I hope things get better for you soon!

 

[HighFlight]

Welcome @Rack.-

I really love having @UsagiDrop around as it's like she can read my mind and put it in much nicer words. :)

You are absolutely welcome to vent, respond, support, or just lurk on this thread. There is no pressure - just do what is comfortable for you. And no one here will see you as a burden.

I understand the feelings of loneliness and depression, as I have them daily. Even surrounded by family, I feel totally isolated and have not figured how to break out of it. This thread has been wonderfully supportive when I have those feelings. And I encourage you to reach out to the group at anytime, but especially when you're feeling lonely.

Wishing all the best.

 

[sadwriter]

Boy, the one day that I'm not on my laptop a ton this thread suddenly starts blowing up. I'm feeling major FOMO

Be back to catch up soon! I just had therapy and am completely emotionally shot...

 

[cheese.out]

Thanks again for all those loving words. I will continue therapy next week (didnt go to therapy for about 1 ½ months) and maybe give those antidepressants another shot (they helped a bit in the past).

And since there wasnt any abusive trauma in my childhood I really thought about it and i think because of my unstable environment and the all time struggle to get love and affection kinda made me who I am rn. Especially bc I dont really had a father figure in my life. Maybe this and other "little" things are in fact traumatic and made me suicidal at a young age. But maybe Im able to recover from all this bs, maybe not - time will show.

 

[HighFlight]

And since there wasnt any abusive trauma in my childhood I really thought about it and i think because of my unstable environment and the all time struggle to get love and affection kinda made me who I am rn. Especially bc I dont really had a father figure in my life. Maybe this and other "little" things are in fact traumatic and made me suicidal at a young age.

I grew up in a family with an alcoholic dad who was verbally abusive to my mom. My mom finally kicked him to the curb when I was 16. But even before that, he never showed up for anything, no school events, no vacations, nothing. He was physically there, but not really.

I know that has added to my problems, and that lack of "family" might have hit you much sooner. And not having a "normal" family is traumatic. People at school bragging about their families, and I couldn't even bring someone home without being embarrassed.

Your description of your environment sounds traumatic - unstable, struggle for love and affection, no father figure, etc. I'm sadden that life has brought you to this point, as you definitely deserve more. Your feelings are real, valid, and need to be heard. Thank you for sharing them with us.

Are you in a stable, safe place now? (I do tend to ask a lot of questions, but only answer if you feel comfortable, or you can PM me.)

Please keep us posted on your progress.

 

[Cloud Busting]

It's great that you got some self-care done despite being under the weather, thank you for taking care of yourself! I think just getting those tasks done can be classified as productivity. Fingers crossed that you can do something tomorrow (today?) that's productive, but if you can't, that'll be okay too! There's always the next day.

Reminding myself that there is always the next day is so important. I find if I don't, I get stuck in a trap of beating myself up for what I didn't complete. This creates a self-fulfilling prophecy wherein I believe I'm a worthless, lazy piece of shit. I focus on what I didn't do, which leads me to believe I'll never be productive, and in turn creates a self-sabatoging, procrastinating cycle. It's so hard to remind yourself of the little things you did accomplish, but I think it helps when you can remember to congrat yourself for them.


@ColorlessTrees

I'm sorry you haven't found much relief from antibiotics. ): how many doses do you have left? It sucks your shortness of breath has worsened. That doesn't sound fun. I second Usagidrop on getting another consult if possible if you still don't find relief once you've completed the full course.

Duties and obligations piling up due to being fatigued/bedridden is my least favorite part of being sick. It's so stressful! Never forget the little things you've tackled tho, no matter how small! For me that's the biggest motivator to recover. It doesn't sound like much, but in your situation, getting caught up with self care is huge!


Also breaking things down into chunks and keeping my to-do list realistic is helpful (tho a challenge for me because I'm a perfectionist lol.)

I hope you feel better soon

I think that your vow is beautiful, too. It sounds like it could help correct your thinking about yourself and the things that you do, and I know that you can stick to it.

Thank you. The core reason I attempted was because I hated myself and thought I deserved to die. This is why working on my low self-esteem has become a top priority.

It's very devastating that I've been falling back into my old habits. I was really motivated and getting stuff done before, but I'm back to sleeping and eating irregularly, isolating myself, and spending most days in bed. I am hoping shifting focus on what I've been doing right instead of wrong will help. If I was productive before, I can be productive again.

I'm hoping posting here will motivate me to stick with my vow.

I've read some of your threads and posts around here and I think that your perseverance and perspectives are inspiring.

Thank you! I appreciate your posts on this forum and the pms we have had as well (and don't feel obliged to reply btw. I'm the queen of not responding to pms. lol) There is one post of yours I read wherein you were honest about not entirely recovering, and primarily sticking around because you felt obligated. In a world of toxic positivity, I find that sort of honesty and transparency refreshing. I love how you remain optimistic without providing false hope or shying away from ugly truths.

Recovery isn't easy, we have great ups and absolutely terrible downs, but I'm very proud of you for choosing something that works for you and deciding to commit to it, to stay true to it.

Recovery is hard af. I often feel alone in my journey. People seem to view recovery as some linear processes wherein you go to therapy and take meds and realize suicide is selfish and you're all better. It's not, but people don't want to hear it. Its nice to have a space where I can open up about having a shitty day and not be told I'm not trying hard enough or whatever.


I'm not sure if writing down my accomplishments every day will help. It's an experiment. I notice I do better when I focus on my accomplishments rather than my mistakes or what I "should" be doing. I'm hoping writing them down throughout the day will make it easier to stick with, as I haven't been great with this habit lately.

Also I'm definitely not always good at utilizing what works. I've already sabotaged my sleep and exercise routines and have been eating like shit and haven't been going to church for like three sermons in a row

Your words will definitely be helpful in this thread, so I don't think anyone will mind if you post here daily. I just wanna say, though, that if there's ever a day that you feel like you can't do that, you definitely don't have to! It's okay to take breaks, and to not post daily and just lurk. I hope we get to hear from you more often, too.

You're too sweet. Tysm!

Update: My three day weekend starts and I'm starting to just feel a little numb to it, even though my worries about money persist. Tomorrow, I hope I can get some cleaning done and that's really my only goal. But I'm sure I'm just going to sleep the day away. The week's almost over, so I hope the last few days are kind to you guys!

Do you work a four ten schedule?

Money is so stressful aaaaa! Especially in this economy.

I hope you enjoy your weekend! If you sleep the day away, you probably needed the rest. I hope you get some cleaning done tomorrow too, but try not to stress if you don't. You have a whole three day weekend to work on chores after all.

@cheese.out I'm glad therapy has been helping somewhat! Good luck with meds if that's the route you choose. Definitely update us on whatever you decide to do!

I've only been in recovery for two months, but I find myself falling into a dark hole still too. My goal is to be able to cope with dark times rather than eliminate them.

Hey guys. Venin here. Couldn't reactivate the other account so I made this one. Dropped by to say that unfortunately, it went south for me and I don't wanna live in this fucking hellish life anymore. In a couple of days I will be bus riding.

When I came back from a brief hiatus, I noticed your name was crossed out. Good to see you're still with us, even if it's not on good terms. Sorry you're struggling so much. Wishing you peace my guy.

I'll be forever grateful you created this thread and offered me peace in my goodbye thread. I decided to work on recovery instead of attempting again. It's rough and I can't promise I'll stick with it, but I'm gonna try. Thank you for standing up against the bullies in my thread.

Also I haven't deactivated my old account either, and I hope to keep it that way. Sometimes it's nice to start anew.

Anyways, I would be making use of this thread myself but I'm just terrible at venting. Whenever I try to put my feelings into words, I end up writing myself into dead end because there are simply too many things I don't feel comfortable sharing with strangers on a public forum. Yes, Discord would offer a more private setting but I don't like the chat format at all. The conversations there tend to become dull and monotonous very quickly because you're always expected to respond within short intervalls which kinda takes away the ability to reflect and meditate on someone else's post before giving them a proper response.

I'm glad you find this thread refreshing. Feel free to lurk. There's no pressure to post. As long as you're getting something out of it, that's all that matters.

If that is what would help you, please feel free to post daily. The original concept of the thread is that we would each make a vow and update the group daily. Life happens and as a result, daily updates don't for most of us. Feel free to journal your thoughts, good and bad.

I can't promise I will post my lists daily. I just think it'd hold me accountable if I made a goal to post them here. I wanted reassurance I wouldn't be spamming the thread with annoying shit if I did is all.

@Rack.- You're not a burden. Opening up is what this thread is for. We're here to support each other. If you ever decide to vent, feel free. If not, happy lurking. You're welcome here.

Boy, the one day that I'm not on my laptop a ton this thread suddenly starts blowing up. I'm feeling major FOMO

Be back to catch up soon! I just had therapy and am completely emotionally shot...

Responding to all of these posts on my phone was quite the task…

Can't wait to hear from you when you are able! Is therapy usually emotionally draining for you or was it this session in particular? Todays therapy took a lot out of me too. It's sucked. I hope it's worth it in the end. Fortunately my therapist is actually p cool


——————

Got back from therapy, folded all my clothes, then went on a weird self-hating spiral and didn't even call Medicaid like I was supposed to then took a nap. Haven't even finished jotting down my list today. I'm doing great with this vow

 

[Cloud Busting]

I mean like… yeah

I wish I wrote down actual adult things, like applying for jobs and calling Medicaid

Perhaps I'm just lazy but

The simplest of tasks are hard for me. Before my attempt, I mostly laid in bed. The only things I put energy into were working and planning my suicide.

I gotta start small to get to the large stuff. It feels embarrassing to admit that doing laundry is currently a difficult task for me to manage but I gotta start somewhere

I gotta swallow my pride

 

[UsagiDrop]

@Cloud Busting I think you got a lot done! It may seem like a small number of insignificant things to you, but that's sixteen things that you chose to do today and you also took care of yourself. I think that's worth celebrating and being proud of.

I wish I wrote down actual adult things, like applying for jobs and calling Medicaid

I think there are a lot of adult things on this list: not going back to sleep in the morning, opening up in therapy, doing a load of laundry from start to finish, cleaning some of the kitchen, maintaining contact with a family member. It's okay if you didn't get any "adult" things done, because:

Reminding myself that there is always the next day is so important.

There is always tomorrow! You're not lazy, or worthless, or anything negative because you couldn't complete a certain set of specific tasks. It's important to focus on the things that you did do. Getting out of bed at all, in itself, is a huge accomplishment when all we want to do is rot. I'm proud of you for doing all of the things that you did today, there is always tomorrow to get done the things you couldn't today.

I gotta start small to get to the large stuff. It feels embarrassing to admit that doing laundry is currently a difficult task for me to manage but I gotta start somewhere

I think this is an awesome way to think about it. Baby steps are better than trying to take multiple steps at once; starting small and then building up to getting the larger, more overwhelming tasks done is a good game plan. And if it helps, I struggle to do things like laundry, too. There's no embarrassment in that, we're all struggling here. The only important thing is that we try to get better by doing small things every day.

Recovery is hard af. I often feel alone in my journey.

Well you're definitely not alone here. But I agree, recovery is hard. People do tend to think choosing to do this is like flipping a switch and saying that you're happy again, but no, we still struggle, things still suck sometimes, and very often the conclusion of suicide being selfish or silly never really comes. It will still feel like a sound option for a very long time and maybe even forever, it's just not one that we can take for whatever reason.

The journey really isn't linear, it's rocky and it trips us up sometimes, so I hope you won't beat yourself up very much for your lows or over the things you aren't able to accomplish. You'll definitely get to the place you want to be one day.

It's very devastating that I've been falling back into my old habits. I was really motivated and getting stuff done before

This is part of the process, falling down and getting back up again. I hope that you find your motivation again one day soon, but if you keep sticking to your plan of logging the things you did and focusing on what you've accomplished rather than what you haven't, you might get into the groove of things again soon.

Thank you! I appreciate your posts on this forum and the pms we have had as well (and don't feel obliged to reply btw. I'm the queen of not responding to pms. lol)

Thank you! I'm glad we both have the forgets-to-respond-to-dms-sometimes trait together, sometimes I feel really bad about it.

Do you work a four ten schedule?

No, but I probably would for the extra day off, haha. My hours were cut and it's an ongoing thing that I'm dealing with.

I hope you get some cleaning done tomorrow too, but try not to stress if you don't.

My update today is that I did not stress about not cleaning, haha. I got nothing done aside from running a few errands today. But there's still always tomorrow, and hopefully I can get some things done. I hope everyone has a good day tomorrow!

 

[chancerlane]

Has therapy been worth it to any of you guys actively trying to recover? Or has anyone here made progress without therapy? (On their own or with friends/support group or what have you.)
Can't afford therapy but I'm willing to pay it off if it actually improves my situation.

 

[cheese.out]

Are you in a stable, safe place now? (I do tend to ask a lot of questions, but only answer if you feel comfortable, or you can PM me.)

Ive been living alone for over a year now and the beginning was pretty though but I think its more stable than before but I also feel more alone since Im not living with my mother and brothers anymore. So it also has its downsides :/

Has therapy been worth it to any of you guys actively trying to recover? Or has anyone here made progress without therapy? (On their own or with friends/support group or what have you.)
Can't afford therapy but I'm willing to pay it off if it actually improves my situation.

It definitely improved my mental stability. I would even say that I would have had another ctb attempt if i havent gone to therapy so i think its worth to try it. Wish you all the best - I hope your situation will improve

 

[chancerlane]

Ive been living alone for over a year now and the beginning was pretty though but I think its more stable than before but I also feel more alone since Im not living with my mother and brothers anymore. So it also has its downsides :/

It definitely improved my mental stability. I would even say that I would have had another ctb attempt if i havent gone to therapy so i think its worth to try it. Wish you all the best - I hope your situation will improve

Thank you for the kind words, I'm still a little embarrassed about the idea of therapy but I'm at my wits end at this point, did you do in person therapy or have you tried some of the more affordable options like BetterHelp? Wondering if going online for cheaper would be worth it, but I've heard a lot of negative things about digital therapy...

 

[cheese.out]

Thank you for the kind words, I'm still a little embarrassed about the idea of therapy but I'm at my wits end at this point, did you do in person therapy or have you tried some of the more affordable options like BetterHelp? Wondering if going online for cheaper would be worth it, but I've heard a lot of negative things about digital therapy...

Im living in germany so I dont have to pay for therapy (for which Im very greatful) - I hope your financial situation will allow you to go to therapy if you want so but if something like BetterHelp would be cheaper and also improves your mental state you should definitely try it imo. If it doesnt help you can always stop

 

[Cloud Busting]

@UsagiDrop Sorry your hours are getting cut. That sounds stressful.

Well at least you did a few errands! How are you doing today?

Has therapy been worth it to any of you guys actively trying to recover? Or has anyone here made progress without therapy? (On their own or with friends/support group or what have you.)
Can't afford therapy but I'm willing to pay it off if it actually improves my situation.

The problem with therapy is finding the right therapist. Many are useless, incompetent, or poorly trained. There's also the risk of getting locked up. How can you get help when you can't be honest?

Therapy is the work you put into it. I think downloading therapy apps and using worksheets is a nice alternative, and they certainly supplement therapy as well. The recovery worksheet mega thread is a helpful resource.

My current therapist is awesome, but I've had a lot of shitty ones in the past. Navigating the system and cycling through multiple therapists until you find the right fit is the most difficult part of therapy tbh. Lol

I relate to feeling embarrassed for needing help. Idk about you, but I feel weak for not being able to solve my problems independently. Think of therapy of a tool you can wield for power. It takes strength to better yourself, no matter the means.

 

[UsagiDrop]

Hi @chancerlane ! I think several members posting here are having positive experiences working in different types of therapy right now and I hope that they will all be able to tell you about them. As for me, I'm not currently in therapy, but in the past, I was working with a psychiatrist.

I had pretty bad experiences with therapists and counselors, basically any more affordable option, and made the decision to go to a private professional when I was about to give up. It was expensive as hell but very much worth it. I had someone that seriously listened to me, evaluated my actions neutrally and critically, and best of all I finally received a diagnosis and medication for my condition as well as methods to cope with it. I definitely wouldn't be alive right now if I didn't go, I really think that if I couldn't get my symptoms at least somewhat under control I would have committed suicide during a hypomanic episode a long time ago. I wouldn't have even known that I experienced hypomania!

I'm still a little embarrassed about the idea of therapy but I'm at my wits end at this point

It's understandable that the idea of therapy would be embarrassing. I was embarrassed about it and embarrassed out of it, eventually, but the reality is that there is nothing embarrassing about taking a step to care for yourself.

As for BetterHelp, I also heard negative things about them in the past, but now I'm hearing better things. I think they've worked to tighten up their standards when it comes to accepting professionals, and the gamble for a good therapist there may be similar to real life's. It's always a struggle to find a professional that is compatible with you and that you can feel safe sharing with. That almost always takes a while but finding someone that works for you is well worth several tries.

Support groups are nice, too. Technically this thread is a support group and it's been an invaluable resource and space for many of us; you're definitely welcome to join us here. In my research of those, I'm learning that a lot of groups have religious undertones to them so I guess finding the right one to meet with in person may be a bit of a struggle too. But it always helps when people that are also going through the same plights are there to support you through tough times. It makes you feel more understood and less alone.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope that it is the best thing for you. I like how @Cloud Busting put it, think of therapy as a tool. Mental wellness is a muscle that we have to constantly keep exercising for the rest of our lives, and therapy is kind of like the equipment that we use and the exercises that we endure in order to do that. You deserve peace of mind and healing if that is what you desire, so I really hope that you'll give it a shot whenever you can!

How are you doing today?

Thank you for asking! I'm doing okay today. Actually I'm really stressed, I hate this time of month because so many bills are due. One of the bills I have just went up hundreds of dollars and the new total is about all the money that I make right now. It actually was most of the money I had today. So yeah, very stressed. :') I'm not supposed to, but I'm going to let myself drink today. Because if I don't then I might lose it lol.

I'm trying to think positively, though; I'll get through this period in my life some day.

How are you doing today?

 

[sadwriter]

OK, I have returned! Boy, it's nice to see this tread get so much action (though also overwhelming, damn)! Welcome to @cheese.out, @Cloud Busting and @Rack.- and welcome back @venin.n!

@venin.n I was really excited to see that you'd returned (though I wish it was under better circumstances)! I remember you left right around the time when I first joined this thread, and I was bummed to see you go so soon. Like @HighFlight55 said, you really did create something great when you made this thread. I hope that you're able to have the best few days possible before you catch the bus, and I'm sorry that it's come to this for you… I'm glad that we're at least getting the chance to talk to you again.

@cheese.out again, welcome to the thread! @UsagiDrop and @HighFlight55 took the words out of my mouth as far as "real trauma" and your situation with moving around a lot etc as a kid goes. I come from a relatively privileged background and always thought that I had a pretty ideal childhood, but I'm royally fucked up now as an adult and am just now learning in therapy how much I'd overlooked things merely because I'd never outright been physically or emotionally abused at home. Most people with trauma, regardless of how bad it is, have a tendency to minimize their own experience and say it "doesn't count". From what you've said, I think it sounds like you have every reason to say that you have "real" trauma, and all discussions of trauma aside, you have every reason to call your feelings valid.

@Cloud Bursting that sounds like a great vow, and reminds me of an exercise my therapist gave me recently. Also, that's a lot to ask of yourself re: reading the entire thread. It can take enough energy just to catch up on posts on a day to day basis, let alone get through all 11+ pages, but hey, if you're up for the challenge I commend you for your efforts!

I'm gonna just post this now and then finish the rest of what I was gonna say afterwards, LOL.

 

[sadwriter]

Reminding myself that there is always the next day is so important. I find if I don't, I get stuck in a trap of beating myself up for what I didn't complete. This creates a self-fulfilling prophecy wherein I believe I'm a worthless, lazy piece of shit. I focus on what I didn't do, which leads me to believe I'll never be productive, and in turn creates a self-sabatoging, procrastinating cycle. It's so hard to remind yourself of the little things you did accomplish, but I think it helps when you can remember to congrat yourself for them.

Thank you. The core reason I attempted was because I hated myself and thought I deserved to die. This is why working on my low self-esteem has become a top priority.

It's very devastating that I've been falling back into my old habits. I was really motivated and getting stuff done before, but I'm back to sleeping and eating irregularly, isolating myself, and spending most days in bed. I am hoping shifting focus on what I've been doing right instead of wrong will help. If I was productive before, I can be productive again.

I'm hoping posting here will motivate me to stick with my vow.

@Cloud Busting I relate to a lot of this/ the vibe of putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be productive and just generally being a perfectionist. I've always had this feeling that if I'm not getting a lot done on a day to day basis that I'm actively fucking up at life. You're absolutely right that you can get back to being productive again, though! You're still the same person as you were/ have the same capabilities, even if you feel shitty now. And it's good that you're aware of what you need to work on and are trying to improve your self esteem. I'm currently in the same boat of needing to work on my self image, and it can be really damn hard.

I gotta start small to get to the large stuff. It feels embarrassing to admit that doing laundry is currently a difficult task for me to manage but I gotta start somewhere

You're totally right about this as well, though! And for what it's worth, you're getting way more done than me right now. I'm at the point where all I can ask of myself is to get out of bed, keep up my hygiene, feed myself, and maybe get one small errand done if I'm lucky. Depression/ poor mental health is a motherfucker and climbing out of the pit is hard.

Can't wait to hear from you when you are able! Is therapy usually emotionally draining for you or was it this session in particular? Todays therapy took a lot out of me too. It's sucked. I hope it's worth it in the end. Fortunately my therapist is actually p cool

Thank you!! Therapy is often emotionally draining, but it depends on the session. I'd say more often than not it is. It's great that your therapist is cool, though (and that you have access to a good one to begin with!).

Has therapy been worth it to any of you guys actively trying to recover? Or has anyone here made progress without therapy? (On their own or with friends/support group or what have you.)
Can't afford therapy but I'm willing to pay it off if it actually improves my situation.

My experience with therapy has been really positive, though it took a while for me to get here. My first therapist wasn't the best– definitely would not recommend DBT as a modality, though I guess I'm not the target treatment demographic– but my current one is amazing and helped me to greatly reduce certain trauma response symptoms that I was having by getting to the root of the thing (though I still have a ton of work left to do). It's definitely possible to make progress on your own, but depending on what your mental health situation is it can be hard. I've also heard that BetterHelp isn't excellent, but I also don't know a ton about it.


As for my update... I don't even know anymore. I'm losing track of how I've been feeling because of how dissociative I've been. I guess compared to last time, I've temporarily been doing a bit worse again, largely because therapy brought up some stuff. I finally ended up letting my feelings out instead of bottling it up and cried a bunch, which felt gross. There's nothing wrong with crying, of course, and it used to be a nice release for me, but lately it's felt better to just shove everything down. I guess this was progress, though.

I'm currently at the point where I'm searching for the middle ground of validating my anger towards certain people/ entities/ situations from the past and recognizing that certain things that have happened to me were partly my fault & I could have reacted more maturely to stuff at times (though I'm also really hard on myself so I'm probably putting a lot more weight on some of this than necessary). It's more than just that, but that's part of it.

I feel like I have this endless pit of anger and shame for so many reasons and I don't have the capacity to engage with it because a) I don't know what to do with it & there's nothing that I can do that'll let it all out and b) even if there was, I'd feel so awful for letting out my anger in any sort of big (even if non harmful) way that it wouldn't be worth it. So many of my classmates from my younger years acted like absolute garbage, but I also sucked in a lot of ways. I'm really just mad at everyone including myself. Having a nervous system that's been fucked up by trauma truly does suck!

 

[sadwriter]

Welp, I'm gonna triple post because why not. Happy weekend to all!

I spent a lot of today in bed but then felt better towards the evening. Looks like I'm recovering from the dip in my mood after therapy. I'm still angry, but I'm starting to develop more of an attitude of "I'm gonna figure out the precise origins of this & what to do with it because it's clearly here for a reason" rather than thinking "Stop being angry, dumbass. You have no reason to be angry. You're the one who's always fucking things up" and just shutting down & avoiding myself by dissociating a ton.

I hope everyone had an alright day

 

[cheese.out]

Welp, I'm gonna triple post because why not. Happy weekend to all!

I spent a lot of today in bed but then felt better towards the evening. Looks like I'm recovering from the dip in my mood after therapy. I'm still angry, but I'm starting to develop more of an attitude of "I'm gonna figure out the precise origins of this & what to do with it because it's clearly here for a reason" rather than thinking "Stop being angry, dumbass. You have no reason to be angry. You're the one who's always fucking things up" and just shutting down & avoiding myself by dissociating a ton.

Im so glad to hear that you feel like recovering! Thats really awesome
My day was exhausting bc I had to work at my second job today and it was a lot to do but in the last couple of days I felt less suicial so i think thats a good sign.

 

[HighFlight]

@cheese.out - I'm glad to hear you've been less suicidal these past few days. Keeping busy is a good way to help. It works better when it's something you enjoy doing. Hopefully, your 2nd job falls into that category, but I've yet to hear anyone screaming how much they love their 2nd job. Hoping you're the first... :)

@sadwriter - three posts in a row - that might be the thread record. And now you and @UsagiDrop seem to have some competition for the longest post from @Cloud Busting. I think this is great and is keep the dialog alive in this thread.

For everyone else, there is NO requirement to write in depth responses or updates. A simple check-in with a sentence is enough. Of course, your are welcome to add as much or little as you feel comfortable. And as stated before, there are several of us here that are open to Private Messages (PMs) and Direct Messages (DMs, in chat) are back working.

CALL TO ACTION: We have no way of know who is lurking and just reading this thread without actively participating. There's no problem with that - youre welcome to just lurk. But if you fall into this category and feel comfortable, we'd like to know you exist. Post a simply "hi" in the thread.

My Weekend Update: My mood has improved somewhat since last week and I'm feeling a little better. Still trying to find a way to escape the the "Groundhog Day" effect. A couple of people have asked if I want a divorce, including my therapist. But I couldn't because of the impact on family members. I guess I see it better to suffer myself, then cause the suffering of others. Seems to be the exception to the #BeKindToYourself.

In summary, Ketamine has be insightful, but integration back in to day-to-day life is missing. Same goes with therapy in general. ADHD stimulants are helpful in allowing me to get through the day. But I'm growing concerned over cognitive decline - I can't remember basic stuff.

So I still have a ton to figure out, and how some deeply repressed feelings play into the picture still need to be determined. This combination of issues and how they've been dealt with in the past has brought me here. And ended my last therapy sessions with the self proclamation that I see myself as a f*cked up human being. Something I'm sure she will want to explore in more depth at our next session.

Anyways, enough about me. I'm wishing all of you a good upcoming week, or at least one that is better than last week.

Peace

 

[venin.n]

I couldn't do it guys… I wasn't in the right state of mind

I'm feeling excruciantingly down right now

 

[sadrainbow]

I just came across this thread and as a new member I don't usually write anything or react because I still feel a bit intimidated but this thread seemed interesting so I thought why not? So here I am... Also wanna state that if I somehow write a lot of K in sequence it's a way of laughing in my country so I'm anticipatory saying that I'm sorry...
I've been battling with depression for almost 10 years and I've tried to CTB many times but I always seeking to stay so it's never successful and I just suffer and also make my family suffer, I've tried therapy and medications, I also went on some group therapy sessions but it's hard to see their eyes and how they feel for you because not everyone that goes there have tried to CTB or have thought about it so I feel the sadness and judgment towards me and how I feel, they all say that I'm so young and yeah I know that I am- I'm 23 -but what can I do if I feel so bad?
So yes, I'm rambling and kind of just talking too much I'm sorry, I just keep letting the words flow... I'm gonna stop here but ehh it works kinda like this?... Thanks for reading until here♡

 

[cheese.out]

I just came across this thread and as a new member I don't usually write anything or react because I still feel a bit intimidated but this thread seemed interesting so I thought why not? So here I am... Also wanna state that if I somehow write a lot of K in sequence it's a way of laughing in my country so I'm anticipatory saying that I'm sorry...
I've been battling with depression for almost 10 years and I've tried to CTB many times but I always seeking to stay so it's never successful and I just suffer and also make my family suffer, I've tried therapy and medications, I also went on some group therapy sessions but it's hard to see their eyes and how they feel for you because not everyone that goes there have tried to CTB or have thought about it so I feel the sadness and judgment towards me and how I feel, they all say that I'm so young and yeah I know that I am- I'm 23 -but what can I do if I feel so bad?
So yes, I'm rambling and kind of just talking too much I'm sorry, I just keep letting the words flow... I'm gonna stop here but ehh it works kinda like this?... Thanks for reading until here♡

Welcome :) Glad to see that you feel comfortable to share your thoughts with us Feel free to vent here as much as you need

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello all,

Sorry for not checking in for so long. I've been a lurker for a while, and been struggling to find time to sleep and post here because I've spent a lot of time at the gym. I've also have lost several days off because my colleague couldn't come to work and I had to work instead of them.
I usually sleep for 7 hours a night but recently barely do 5 hours.

My update -
Today was my 62nd day at the gym. I've never skipped workout so far since September 4!

I'm at the gym now. I hope i can respond to people's post later.

Take care

I couldn't do it guys… I wasn't in the right state of mind

I'm feeling excruciantingly down right now

I'm so sorry

Welcome @sadrainbow and thanks for sharing your thoughts

 

[UsagiDrop]

I couldn't do it guys… I wasn't in the right state of mind

First of all, I'm really sorry to hear this. I know that not going through with an attempt, for whatever reason, is a traumatic experience within itself. I hope you won't be too hard on yourself. You were about to do the bravest and most merciful and most final thing you would ever do, so it's completely understandable that you weren't able to do it this time.

I know that there's probably a lot of things that you don't want to hear right now and I don't want to offer platitudes. I hope you can take the time and space to recollect yourself and find some relief from what you're feeling right now.

they all say that I'm so young and yeah I know that I am- I'm 23 -but what can I do if I feel so bad?

Welcome to the thread! I'm really sorry that you've been suffering for so long, but I'm happy to hear that you've tried some of your options. Are you currently still in therapy?

The judgement that you're facing because of your age is awful, and it sucks that you have to go through something like that. You may be young, but there is no age limit on a feeling. What you're experiencing is valid and many of us have had feelings of depression since we were young, too, so I want to tell you that you're not alone.

Also, welcome to the forum! Thank you for feeling safe to share with us, and feel free to do so any time. I know posting can be kind of scary but I hope you won't feel anxious for very long because there's lots of support to find among the others that are here.

but in the last couple of days I felt less suicial so i think thats a good sign.

This is awesome news! It's definitely a good sign. I hope that continues, although it's more than okay if you end up feeling down again for whatever reason. Progress isn't linear, and we talk about that all the time, but it's good to celebrate every little victory along the way. I'm glad you've had some relief from the feeling.

How are you doing today?

Welp, I'm gonna triple post because why not.

Thank you for triple posting and keeping us updated!

While it sucks that you were temporarily doing bad there, it's commendable that you picked yourself back up the next day. I'm really happy that you're giving yourself so many chances and staying committed to your goals when it comes to your mental wellbeing. You said that you think you don't have the capacity to engage with your emotions by yourself, and I think that's okay. Judging by the next post you've made, you're already on your way to being able to do that, but I don't think that tackling our emotions was ever a task we were supposed to take on alone. It is a pretty big ask, honestly. It's okay to rely on your therapist to give you the tools in order to start engaging with your emotions, and it's okay to rely on your friends and family if you can when you're going through a rough time doing those things. I hope that you keep having better days!

Seems to be the exception to the #BeKindToYourself.

Maybe this is a personal question, so you don't have to answer here, but have you thought about what you would do if you could be completely selfish? Your desires and health are important, too, and sometimes when we suffer in the name of easing other people's pain, we sadly end up hurting them in the process. Still, the fact that you put others happiness over your own at all means that you aren't as fucked up as a person as you think.

I'm happy you've been in a better mood these days, and I hope that only continues.

My update -
Today was my 62nd day at the gym. I've never skipped workout so far since September 4!

Congratulations! This is a really impressive milestone. Your progress is amazing, although I'm sorry to hear about the situation you have at work. Rest is important, so I hope that you can start getting a normal amount of it again soon!

 

[venin.n]

First of all, I'm really sorry to hear this. I know that not going through with an attempt, for whatever reason, is a traumatic experience within itself. I hope you won't be too hard on yourself. You were about to do the bravest and most merciful and most final thing you would ever do, so it's completely understandable that you weren't able to do it this time.

I know that there's probably a lot of things that you don't want to hear right now and I don't want to offer platitudes. I hope you can take the time and space to recollect yourself and find some relief from what you're feeling right now.

Welcome to the thread! I'm really sorry that you've been suffering for so long, but I'm happy to hear that you've tried some of your options. Are you currently still in therapy?

The judgement that you're facing because of your age is awful, and it sucks that you have to go through something like that. You may be young, but there is no age limit on a feeling. What you're experiencing is valid and many of us have had feelings of depression since we were young, too, so I want to tell you that you're not alone.

Also, welcome to the forum! Thank you for feeling safe to share with us, and feel free to do so any time. I know posting can be kind of scary but I hope you won't feel anxious for very long because there's lots of support to find among the others that are here.

This is awesome news! It's definitely a good sign. I hope that continues, although it's more than okay if you end up feeling down again for whatever reason. Progress isn't linear, and we talk about that all the time, but it's good to celebrate every little victory along the way. I'm glad you've had some relief from the feeling.

How are you doing today?

Thank you for triple posting and keeping us updated!

While it sucks that you were temporarily doing bad there, it's commendable that you picked yourself back up the next day. I'm really happy that you're giving yourself so many chances and staying committed to your goals when it comes to your mental wellbeing. You said that you think you don't have the capacity to engage with your emotions by yourself, and I think that's okay. Judging by the next post you've made, you're already on your way to being able to do that, but I don't think that tackling our emotions was ever a task we were supposed to take on alone. It is a pretty big ask, honestly. It's okay to rely on your therapist to give you the tools in order to start engaging with your emotions, and it's okay to rely on your friends and family if you can when you're going through a rough time doing those things. I hope that you keep having better days!

Maybe this is a personal question, so you don't have to answer here, but have you thought about what you would do if you could be completely selfish? Your desires and health are important, too, and sometimes when we suffer in the name of easing other people's pain, we sadly end up hurting them in the process. Still, the fact that you put others happiness over your own at all means that you aren't as fucked up as a person as you think.

I'm happy you've been in a better mood these days, and I hope that only continues.

Congratulations! This is a really impressive milestone. Your progress is amazing, although I'm sorry to hear about the situation you have at work. Rest is important, so I hope that you can start getting a normal amount of it again soon!

Thank you

 

[HighFlight]

I couldn't do it guys… I wasn't in the right state of mind

I'm feeling excruciantingly down right now

I am so sorry this didn't work out as you had hoped. But there are no judgements here, you will be your own toughest critic. One things we've come to notice in this thread is that we are all hardest on ourselves.

Maybe, once you've had some time to process and grieve, you can tell us what happened between leaving SaSu a few months ago, and your recent return.

Also, DMs are finally back! They took that feature offline a couple weeks after you left and RaS was able to get them back online yesterday.

Looking forward to an opportunity to catch-up, something I thought I had missed.

 

[sadrainbow]

Thank you for the welcoming replies!

but I'm happy to hear that you've tried some of your options. Are you currently still in therapy?

I've tried a lot of options but I just started going towards recovering and therapy after I was 17yo before that my parents couldn't understand my situation... I'm not doing therapy at the moment, it's been like 8 months, I loved my therapist but money was short and actually still is... After my dad's retirement and my mental health problems we have been short financially but I really need to get back because I'm very unstable.

What you're experiencing is valid and many of us have had feelings of depression since we were young, too, so I want to tell you that you're not alone.

Thank you so much for your kind words, I feel like I've just been virtually hugged

 

[HighFlight]

Hi @sadrainbow, welcome to the group. We're glad when we hear from new members and everyone is welcome.

I'm sorry to hear you've been dealing with severe depression since such a young age. I have also had issues with medication and therapy - I have treatment-resistant depression and anxiety. I'm glad you found us. I've found that talking with this group has been very useful in checking my thinking, and it's nice to be able to share things I haven't been able to say to my therapist.

And please, do not ever worry about rambling while on this thread. We're open to what ever you have to say, good or bad, or even just a stream of consciousness.

May you have a decent week.

Thank you so much for your kind words, I feel like I've just been virtually hugged

And @UsagiDrop has a way of giving that feeling when you need it most.

 

[chancerlane]

This weekend has been really tough on my mind, spent most of Saturday night crying and now I'm trying to fix my sleep schedule, so I can get back into doing stuff during the day instead of laying in bed all waking hours, which is how I spent most of today.

It wasn't all bad though I watched an old film with my father which is more than I could ever ask for given my circumstances, and it was a really good film too. Rear Window if anyone's interested!

But still, I'm hoping everyone's weekend went a lot better than mine. Even if you're not religious I pray everyone has a good coming week.

 

[HighFlight]

Today was my 62nd day at the gym. I've never skipped workout so far since September 4!

I'm at the gym now. I hope i can respond to people's post later.

This is an awesome achievement and I hope you've found a way to really celebrate this win.

So now that you've worked out over 60 days (2 months) in a row, what impact has that had on your mental health? Are you seeing real improvements?

Glad you're doing so well, in spite of difficulty at work and lack of sleep. Hopefully these are just temporary conditions and you'll overcome them quickly.

Wishing you well!

----

Hi @chancerlane , I'm sorry to hear you had to tough weekend. While it sounds good that you got some time with your dad, being so sad and having to stay in bed has got to be difficult. Is there something that triggered things for you this weekend?

I saw your earlier question on therapy. I've done virtual therapy with an idiot, and am currently doing in-person therapy. My first therapy session was decades ago (in-person) right after my dad attempted to kill my mom. I went because my school told me I had to, but dropped after 2 sessions. I was too cool for therapy and couldn't ruin my image on campus. (Attitude around mental health was a little different in the '80s.)

My current therapist is pretty good, but I don't think I know how to do therapy. I keep thinking there's going to be so big breakthrough and things are going to start getting better. And while I enjoy the therapy sessions, I don't see any impact outside the session. So basically I pay someone to listen to me ramble on for 50 minutes.

I'd be curious to know other people's experiences with therapy? What am I doing wrong??