"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[A_quietboi]

Yep, indeed

 

[carac]

I'm on the discord, I usually play games in the evening uk time between 9-11pm I can just hang out in the voice chat and if anyone wants to join they are more than welcome.

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello,

I'm so sorry for not posting here since Oct. 3.
I had a couple of bad weeks - I made a stupid mistake again at work, but this time I have the shiny new coping method - physical exercise.

@HighFlight55 @UsagiDrop @sadwriter Thanks so much for your kind replies.

Thanks for checking in and congratulations on your workout routine. Seems like you're well on your way to making this a habit. Then you can start looking at ways to improve other aspects of your life. I'm really happy for you. :)

Congratulations! This is also a significant milestone, in my eyes. By the time you read this, you'll probably be a month into your streak. That's awesome!

Thanks so much
My update:
I started to go to the gym on September 4 and yesterday (Oct. 19) was the 46th day.
I have never skipped the workout so far, and I run at least a mile every day.
Usually I quickly feel hopeless and start planning to CTB whenever I make mistakes, but this time I haven't slipped into depression.

This is really great to hear, and I hope that you can keep to your goals while enjoying the results. You're doing an amazing job, and it's great that you've found something that helps despite the adversities of life. I'm sorry to hear about the problem at work and how it's making you feel, but I hope that things don't get any worse there.

Fortunately things haven't gotten any worse. I think, it takes years to fix my problems at work, but now I removed physical exhaustion from the list of my problems - I hope I can work more hours to avoid mistakes.

No need to be sorry, and that's not a lame excuse at all– it's great that you've found solace in exercise and impressive that you've managed to keep it up for so long! I do hope that you're listening to your body and not overdoing it, since it sounds like you're really going hard, but it's awesome that you're able to exercise so much and that you're feeling better because of it.

I might be overdoing a bit. While there's no problem physically so far, I spend 2-3 hours exercising every day. And I'm struggling to do other things. Recently I often fall asleep on the couch.


I'm still suicidal - I've been this way for 28 years and it will be a lifelong battle, but now I think it's possible to distract myself until time kills me.

It's not time to meet my doom -
This time, I will beat my gloom!

Hello everyone,

Question for the whole group...

We've seemed to put together a small, but resilient group of people not ready to ctb and fighting our way towards recovery and some sense of normalcy. I love these "daily" updates as it allows me to feel like I'm part of a group - and not an outsider. But at the same time, if there aren't any updates, I fallback into a feeling of lonely and isolated.

Would anyone be interested in "talking" in more real-time via Discord?

SaSu has a recovery Discord server "Sanctioned Stairway", and I'm sure they'd let us create a channel for our group. (In the future, it could be used for voice, or even video chats. But one step at a time.)

Thanks for the idea, I think it's great - it would be much easier to talk on Discord. And I can engage in conversation more, I guess

 

[HighFlight]

@A_quietboi - welcome. Feel free to just listen to the conversation, or jump it at any time.

 

[dazed_dreamer]

Hi there! I've lurked in this group for a bit, and if you don't mind, might join myself. I'm on-and-off about if I'll CTB, but I'll at least be around for a few more days. Why not give this a shot?

10/19/23
My mood has been all over the place today. Mostly down and out, I'm so so spaced out recently, it's so frustrating. My thoughts are constant but fleeting, I can't stop thinking but can't hold onto any one thought either. I think I'm in some sort of acute mental health crisis. Maybe a weird, bad depressive episode? I feel like I'm losing any last bits of myself, my concentration is completely gone. I walked aimlessly around campus for a while. I'll start heading somewhere, then quickly forget why or change my mind. I'll stand in the middle of my room for moments, unable to decide what to do with myself. I switch between moods of hopelessness, exhaustion, I even had moments today where plans of CTB genuinely relaxed me and gave me peace. But there were also moments of wanting to hold on. I finished a task in the lab; even though it was easy, it was nice to get something done. I also watched a nice vlog from a comfort youtuber of mine (jschlatt's tokyo vlog, on his "schlagg" channel), which relaxed me and made me laugh.

This is a bit stream-of-consciousness. Sorry if it's not super coherent, my mind's a bit of a mess right now. I can't think super clearly. I can usually plan my words a bit better; I enjoy writing, and organizing my thoughts well. I just don't have that in me right now. I can barely think when I'm like this, my head is full of cotton, it vaguely aches.

I want to live, but not as myself. I want to live as a different person who's brain works. I persist now, but at what cost? I still haven't turned my life around despite how long I've been trying. I've had some success before, but it seems for every time I reach a high point, I just fall lower than I've ever been, and have to scramble to crawl back out. I don't even know how to do that this time, no clue as to what the next step is, which is new and scary. All the while, I waste money, time, food, a spot at my university, resources, fall short of people's expectations, etc. I ultimately take way more than I give in this life, and for what? It feels less than pointless, it feels detrimental to continue like this. And I'm not that scared of death, I don't think. I just have a stubborn hope that this can be fixed. And also am dissociated to numbness most of the time, and too exhausted to go through with CTB.

I have so much school work I need to do, yet no drive, anxiety, or push to do it. The fact I even need to do it slips out of my mind half the time. I'm not usually like this, I'm usually still a somewhat conscientious student even when I'm down. I may be out of commission for a few days, but then I feel a bit better and dive right in to catching up. But now it's been a few weeks of me just having no motivation to do shit. It scares me. I feel like I'm losing myself, the last bits that remained, and I have no idea how to stop it. It's like I'm almost a bit demented...

 

[HighFlight]

Hello and Welcome, @dazed_dreamer!

I'm sorry your life has reached a point that brings you this site, but glad you found us. You should never feel the need to apologize to us for telling us how you feel, good, bad, or just a stream-of-consciousness. We've all had those days (weeks, months, etc.).

What are you studying? Lab-work?

I'm curious to know when all this started for you. Is this new feelings over the past few months or something longer? (Share only what you're comfortable sharing publicly. You can PM me or some of the others in the group as well.) Have you talked to anyone in real life, like school counselor, advisor, friend?

My one ask is that avoid taking action to ctb until you get some answers. The phrase "suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem" could actually be accurate if you are suffering from "some sort of acute mental health crisis." (My apologies for coming off as a pro-lifer. I really am pro-choice, but like to explore all options first.)

I truly hope you can find some answers and can get some help. You deserve to live the life you want, free from any suffering.

 

[HighFlight]

@carac - glad to see you over on Discord.

@sadwriter, @LoiteringClouds, @BurgundySnap, & @UsagiDrop (& everyone else) - I feel bad that there have been several posts over the past day or so, and I haven't had the opportunity to reply. I know this isn't some mandate, but I do like to acknowledge what you're going through - the good, the bad and the ugly. Know that you all are in my thoughts and prayers daily, and will do my best to respond when I get a moment.

Given that we're growing, I might try a new approach and respond individually as opposed to one big post.

However, there was one recent post that caught my attention and I want to take a minute to respond...

@cardboard_house,

I'm very sorry to hear you are continuing to struggle and ended up at the hospital. It's good news that you're getting some help, including meds to help with the anxiety. We are all in recovery, until we're not. I am saddened by your thoughts of giving up recovery, but think i can understand your re

Finding a new kitten is exciting news and he will need someone to take care of him. I would have hoped that finding a ball of joy and energy would help you. And maybe he still can. But regardless, please make sure that kitten is part of any planning and you have a good home for him if you leave us.

Another comment you made was around needing to die because you are causing others to suffer. Who are these people who are suffering due to your crisis? Please don't use this as an excuse, as chances are the suffering you cause them through ctb will be far worse than how things are now.

You are worthy as a person, and your feelings always will be validated here. Can I ask what's the one thing that is keeping you from being happy? What's your biggest obstacle? (Yes, I realize that this is a loaded question. Standard disclaimer- only share what you feel comfortable sharing.)

As always, I am open to PM if you want to talk.

Wishing you, and everyone else a better day tomorrow.

 

[sadwriter]

Just joined the discord! I'm all ready & set to join the channel whenever that gets set up. (I know you're going to CA soon and will be really busy, HighFlight, so of course there's no rush!)

I'm a bit emotionally drained to reply to anyone individually right now (I'm joining the club I guess, haha) but I hope everyone is hanging in there today.

Today I was actually completely honest with my therapist about how I've been feeling– I was so dissociative & off & in survival mode for a lot of the time for the past couple weeks that I didn't realize how much I was hiding until yesterday– which was good, but also hard. I have a tendency to feel smothered by extra support when I don't ask for it (which I probably have mentioned before lol), so it's been easier to just understate how I'm feeling ever since the whole dramatic getting my SN confiscated episode a month ago so that my therapist gives me more space/ doesn't ask me to check in with her as much. (I pretty much said that to her today, so there's no issue in communicating what I want. I just really don't seem to have a choice when it comes to getting extra support when I'm down, even if it feels exhausting. I see where she's coming from as a therapist given that I intended to CTB last month and had the means to and she didn't make me go to inpatient treatment or even a daily outpatient program, but I still don't love it.)

 

[parader]

Hello everyone,

Question for the whole group...

We've seemed to put together a small, but resilient group of people not ready to ctb and fighting our way towards recovery and some sense of normalcy. I love these "daily" updates as it allows me to feel like I'm part of a group - and not an outsider. But at the same time, if there aren't any updates, I fallback into a feeling of lonely and isolated.

Would anyone be interested in "talking" in more real-time via Discord?

i think it's a great idea, it'll take me a while to go through all the process of setting the account and joining the server, but i'll do my best when i have the time
loneliness is dangerous and seeking connection is not only natural but healthy
i mean, i'm a little high on valium rn, don't pay it much mind, it's cringy i know hahaha, but it reminded me of this very old ted talk on this very specific part
wish you all a kinder weekend than this week may have been

 

[HighFlight]

I'm glad to see some have made it to the Discord server, but at the same time would hate to see this thread slow down because communication was divided by the two platforms. The Discord server is a nice place to have chat-like conversations, post pictures, and there is also voice chat. The server has been active with others, so it's also a great opportunity to grow our group. But this thread is also a great place to post longer threads on how you're feeling, and to support each other. There's a place for both, so communicate wherever you feel most comfortable.

@sadwriter & @carac & @LoiteringClouds, I've you've all made it to Discord. Do you think we can make use of the existing channels the way they're currently set up, or do you have a suggestion for changes? I'll need to take to the server admin if we think we'd like some changes. (If you haven't found them, there are a bunch of optional channels that you can choose to join.)

I am getting ready to leave for the west coast tomorrow morning. I have to leave at about 4:00 am, so tomorrow will be a really long day. This week has the potential to be another roller coaster week and my general anxiety is already peaking. Later Friday, one of our executives DM'd me to ask that I work on building relationships with the people from the other companies attending. So now my social anxiety is through the roof too. But I'm trying to look on the brightside. It is an opportunity to learn new things and play around with some cool tech in Silicon Valley. Just a warning, there may be some crazy updates from me over the next week.

@UsagiDrop, I hope things are going better for you, and that you're still avoiding the alcohol. Please give yourself some time and love. Our problems didn't happen overnight, and they won't go away quickly. It will take hard work.

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think"
Winnie the Pooh

And I believe in you.

I hope everyone has at least a decent, if not, a good week. And I look forward to hearing how everyone's doing.

 

[sadwriter]

@sadwriter & @carac & @LoiteringClouds, I've you've all made it to Discord. Do you think we can make use of the existing channels the way they're currently set up, or do you have a suggestion for changes? I'll need to take to the server admin if we think we'd like some changes. (If you haven't found them, there are a bunch of optional channels that you can choose to join.)

I liked the idea of having a chat specifically for this group, whether through a channel in the larger recovery server or some sort of discord group chat (I do not really know how discord works haha) but I am also fine with making use of the existing channels. It might make more sense to wait and see if more of us join the discord group first anyway.

Also, good luck with your day tomorrow @HighFlight55 ! That does sound really anxiety provoking, though also cool that you get to check out new tech. We're here for you and I hope the trip goes well!


As for my update, I had a pretty good day with my dad. Tonight we went out for dinner and walked around for a long time before getting off the wait list, then played scrabble after we got home. Before dinner, I was honest about how hopeless I've been feeling lately and we talked a bit, which was more helpful than I realized it would be. I've had a lot of shit pile up over the past many months that helped lead me to this awful place, and he reminded me of that/ helped me recognize that it's valid for me to feel like I've been completely knocked on my ass emotionally speaking, which felt good to hear, especially since I've started finding ways to blame myself for a lot of my misfortunes over these past months and telling myself that I deserve to be where I'm at. I'm definitely less dissociative today, which is good, even if it means that I'm more aware of how tense and physically shitty I feel.

Even so, I'm still finding the motivation to bother getting better and getting back to my usual life. While I've decided for sure that I'm not going to CTB any time soon, I've spent a lot of time these past few weeks reflecting on my past & myself and I'm even more fucked up than I previously realized. Until I work through some stuff, I don't think I have any chance of living any version of the life that I want to. I really don't know how to like myself anymore. I wish I could just give up on my dreams without it completely crushing me so I wouldn't have to try anymore. Even though I didn't CTB last month it still feels like most of me died.

Thank you to everyone as always for giving me the space to check in. I know that I often have a lot to say, and it's super helpful to be able to say it here since I'm at such a low point in my life right now...

Best wishes to all

 

[UsagiDrop]

i don't know if you feel the same way but i don't have such a hard time staying sober when i'm feeling better about life
it's kind of weird actually, when i'm doing ok i even forget to drink, days go by and i suddenly realize i didn't even notice

Actually, I do feel this way, too. I was just talking about this today. In the grand scheme of things, I'm not drinking as much as I used to. A few years ago, I could go through a bottle of anything dark in a day. I worked at a bar too, so I had access to a lot of alcohol and would start drinking as early as eight in the morning. Now, I would take weeks to finish a bottle of anything. I don't really drink "hard" liquor anymore and don't tend to binge like I used to. The problem is different but it's still a problem; I drink just about every day, I don't feel like I could go a single day without having a drink.

Even when I binged, I had periods where I wouldn't drink at all and wouldn't really notice because life was okay (or I was hypomanic lol). But now I notice every day that I don't drink, and it sucks. It's hard to deal with that, so I drink to try to forget it. That's a horrible cycle to be in and I hate that I feel like a slave to it.

I'm sorry to hear that you're still having bad days, you really don't deserve them. But it's relieving that you can get any optimism out of them at all! To be able to appreciate those little, beautiful things about life like cute cat videos is really a wonderful thing, and I'm glad that you're still able to do that. It doesn't surprise me that you can be moved like that, though, because you really do seem to care about animals and other living beings a great deal. I think the world might need more people like you. Thank you for checking in with us!

On a different note, I caught a stray kitten who came to our house with others.

We ended up finding a stray kitten, and we found that she didn't belong to anybody, so we're keeping her. She's only 11-12 weeks old, and she's just a bundle of joy and energy.

Welcome to the world, new kittens! I'm happy that both of these lucky kitties crossed paths with such caring individuals, and I'm sure that they are/will be relieved to be in good hands, as well.

Thank you for your kind words and well wishes, @BurgundySnap

How is your adopted kitten doing now? I hope that they're doing better, and I also hope that you're doing better as well. It's great to hear the positive things you've experienced, and I'm also really happy that you're still able to have hope in yourself and your situation. Sometimes it can be pesky, and sometimes it seems like so little, but hope is the very thing that keeps us going. Sometimes, holding onto it is the most important thing that we can do, but it's almost always the hardest thing to do, too.

I've personally been struggling a lot recently, and have been on the edge of giving up on recovery. Still going to try to fight this fight, but I'm tired. I've relapsed on my SH, and have been cutting nearly every day (except for the time I spent in the psych ward) for the past few weeks.

Thank you for checking in with us, and for being honest about how you're feeling. I hope that you're still with us in this fight to recovery, as hard as it is. It's okay to fall behind or run in circles sometimes; life is a marathon, and our only objective is to reach the end. How we get there is all of the fun and all of the pain.

A relapse is really unfortunate, but I don't think it's the end of the world. I think we talked about it in this thread but we shouldn't demonize ourselves for the ways we have learned to cope with our stresses. I won't tell you that you have to stop, there is no shame in anything that you've done. But I think it's progress within itself that you are being safer about the SH by not cutting deep, and I'm grateful for that.

I honestly feel that I need to die, now less for my current suffering and more because of the nature of my life. I feel that it's unsustainable and causes suffering for others. So far, I'm hoping to at least survive until the new year to see how the meds work for me.

I hope that you will survive until that long, and I'm glad that you're giving the meds a chance. I think we all struggle with how we view ourselves here. I can relate to feeling like I just cause suffering for others and therefore need to be gone. But the truth is a little muddy. All of us take up space on this earth, and inevitably we will all cause some sort of suffering for others. That's the truth. But it's also the truth that we're here anyway, and taking up space isn't an inherently bad thing. We will cause suffering, but we will also be sources of relief, of healing, and of happiness.

You were your Oreo's ultimate source of happiness. You fed and sheltered her, you gave her lots of love, you filled her to the brim with your thoughtfulness and care. Your new kitty is blessed because you're about to be the human that does the same for them! And you know what? You're a source of happiness and relief here in this thread, too, as I'm sure we all really like to hear from you no matter the update. I'm pretty confident that there are other people in your life that feel the same, too.

Being a person is hard and we're all going to do both positive and negative things. We respect your choice in what you want to do, and that's the bottom line, but I do hope that you give your life every last chance that it deserves. Your existence isn't as bad as you think, I don't think.

I hope I can work more hours to avoid mistakes.

By now, you must be on or almost on your 50th day at the gym! Congratulations! But I hope that you won't overwork yourself at work, too. You should only work more hours if you feel like you can. A lack of rest can be really detrimental, as I'm seeing.

It's not time to meet my doom -
This time, I will beat my gloom!

I think this should also be some words that we agree to go by. May we all be stronger than our gloom!

Why not give this a shot?

We definitely don't mind if you join us, and I also hope that you're still with us!

I can usually plan my words a bit better; I enjoy writing, and organizing my thoughts well. I just don't have that in me right now. I can barely think when I'm like this, my head is full of cotton, it vaguely aches.

It's okay that you didn't plan your words. This thread is a safe space for us to vent in the ways that we can. I just wanted to say that you have a way with words naturally that I enjoyed reading. Also, this makes three (or more, I might be missing people) writers in this pact!

I feel like I'm losing myself, the last bits that remained, and I have no idea how to stop it. It's like I'm almost a bit demented...

Maybe you're not demented. I think life is just like this; push and pull, ups and downs, ebbs and flows. We lose ourselves for whatever reason and find a new person somewhere along the line. Maybe we don't have to stop it; we just have to roll with it. It's a hard lesson to learn though, because I'm struggling with that as well.

I think it's okay to lose ourselves sometimes, tbh. It hurts but I usually find that if we give it some time, we can find that old version of ourselves again. We just end up seeing them from a completely different light and angle, and then I guess we can decide if the changes were good or bad, and (I'm guessing that this is the fun part?) then we can build ourselves from there. We can be whoever we want to be, and whoever we are willing to be.

Welcome to the thread! I hope we can hear more from you soon.

Before dinner, I was honest about how hopeless I've been feeling lately and we talked a bit, which was more helpful than I realized it would be.

It always makes me happy to see that when you're at your lowest, the people around you seem to want to understand you and really make the effort to do that. You deserve people like that in your life, and I'm glad you are safe to be honest about how you feel with them.

Honestly, how you have felt about everything has been valid and understandable. It's wonderful that people around you in real life are validating that, too. I'm sure that will be invaluable in your healing. I hope you won't blame yourself too much. It's good to take accountability for some things in life, but finding the loopholes that allow us to blame and loathe ourselves for every little thing isn't necessary or productive (says the person who probably does this the most out of everyone in this thread lol).

We should probably make giving ourselves as much grace as we give each other a challenge.

I've spent a lot of time these past few weeks reflecting on my past & myself and I'm even more fucked up than I previously realized.

This isn't such a bad thing. If we can look back on our past selves and cringe, it means that we have grown in some capacity. All we can do is grow, from here on out, from now on!

Thank you for keeping us updated with your progress. This thread will always be a safe space for our thoughts.

@UsagiDrop, I hope things are going better for you, and that you're still avoiding the alcohol. Please give yourself some time and love. Our problems didn't happen overnight, and they won't go away quickly. It will take hard work.

"You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think"
Winnie the Pooh

And I believe in you.

Thank you for the Winnie the Pooh quote. It definitely hit me right in the feels, haha.

Unfortunately I wasn't able to stay away from alcohol this weekend, but I had a lot more control over how much I drank. I noticed that I don't really drink as much as I used to and probably not a lot in comparison to others, but I still think I drink way too much for my own standards. I've been putting my body through this for years. My mind wants to stop but my body misses it every time. I hate it here.

I don't think I can cut it all off cold turkey right now sadly, but I can put some rules around it and try to ween off of it. If I can only drink once a day, then I can work on doing it once a week, and then maybe only on the weekends, and then maybe once every two/three weeks on my bad days, and so on. I depend on it too much, but I'm also seeing the effects it's starting to have on me and how much of an effect it might have had on my life, and that scares me… I'm grateful for the little bit of progress I was able to make in controlling myself even if I haven't really stopped. Next week, I want to do better.

I'm sorry for the long post. I think I have more words here than we have recorded years in human history. I thought about splitting up the posts but I'm typing all of this from my phone and I also don't have any updates. I don't really feel any better or any worse but I'm hanging in there… and one of my plants is suddenly dying, I think. Please have a moment of silence for her, because I dunno what I did wrong. It may be the sudden change of temperature (I'm hoping), or there is some pest I'm not seeing. If it's the latter then I'll just pray for the rest of my plant children, but I've put her in quarantine for now.

It sucks that a lot of us are going through a rough period in our lives but I think that we can all get through this. We're a really strong and resilient bunch. I hope we can all see it through! This week, I'm going to try to work on my irrational anxiety and get into the discord with you guys.

And I'm sending extra love to @lita-lassi , I hope that above everything else you're somewhere safe, warm and fed. Fuck your ex, I hope that he gets what's coming to him when you lawyer up!

 

[Lullaby]

I've been lurking and following everyone's posts in this thread for some time. Didn't think I would post here but I was trying some different avenues and figured this would be the best place!

Things haven't been great, substantially worse really, but I was able to meet with my psychiatrist after not seeing her for two months. She's probably the nicest and most understating psych.. I've ever had, so I felt comfortable telling her I've been considering ECT. She gave the thumbs up for me to try it out, so I'm going to start looking into that this week and hopefully schedule a consultation if I can find somewhere that accepts my insurance.

Going to research some more, as I've heard amazing things about it, but I also don't want to somehow come out even worse than I already am. I guess I have to see if I'm even eligible for it first, so we'll see how this goes.

 

[HighFlight]

@Lullaby - welcome and thank you for sharing your news. I'm glad you felt comfortable enough with this group, and I'm sure I can speak for all in saying we wish the best for you with the ECT treatment.

Having at good professional willing to work with can make all the difference. I'm glad you were able to find a psychiatrist that you like and is willing to help you determine the best treatment options. Please let us know how they are working for you.

 

[sadwriter]

@UsagiDrop that's really awesome to hear that you're developing more control over your drinking. Working on decreasing the habit slowly and consistently in order to implement change in the long term is definitely more important than trying to quit cold turkey right now. And I hope that the rest of your plants stay okay! I'm personally really horrible at taking care of plants so I've had my fair share die under my care… Oh, and looking forward to seeing you on the Discord if you're able to sign up!!

Seconding the sentiment towards @lita-lassi. I hope you're staying safe out there and that your stuff is still okay…

@Lullaby welcome to the thread! It's great that you have such a good psychiatrist– I know there are a ton of shitty ones out there, so finding someone that's helpful really is a blessing. Good luck with your ECT journey and I hope that it ends up being a good fit for you/ that you're eligible!

@HighFlight55 I hope everything is going well in Cali (or, if you haven't left yet, that you have a safe flight)!


Still not much for me to say as far as updates. I've been feeling more ok lately, at least, and am coming out of my dissociation more I think. I might try and push myself to start meditating & going for walks outside again soon. I had to help my dad with some mild physical labor today, and it reminded me that my body has pretty much become a useless noodle and my diaphragm feels like a fucking fist from all the tension that's built over the past however many weeks of feeling extremely bad. I got into the habit of meditating almost daily at the beginning of 2023, but I stopped doing it altogether some time in September and it really shows.

 

[HighFlight]

@sadwriter - it sounds like you need to try @LoiteringClouds 's exercise program. :) Seriously, it's really good you've recognized the need to be more active and are taking steps. After my heart attack, I got into a good routine of exercise. Actually used VR programs to go through cardio routines and have some fun doing it. But that all went to crap about a year ago. I got back into walking a couple months ago and have been doing 3-4 miles several times a week. But now that the weather is starting to get cold, I'll end up one of the old people walk in circles at the mall.

@UsagiDrop - You always have such wonderful words for people. And pick up on details that my brain just misses. I'm glad your here helping us all manage through our issues. (@sadwriter, this applies to you too!)

But, I do need to point out from your last post

Unfortunately I wasn't able to stay away from alcohol this weekend, but I had a lot more control over how much I drank. I noticed that I don't really drink as much as I used to and probably not a lot in comparison to others, but I still think I drink way too much for my own standards. I've been putting my body through this for years. My mind wants to stop but my body misses it every time. I hate it here.

A relapse is really unfortunate, but I don't think it's the end of the world. I think we talked about it in this thread but we shouldn't demonize ourselves for the ways we have learned to cope with our stresses. I won't tell you that you have to stop, there is no shame in anything that you've done.

Sometimes you need to take your own advice. (I know, I know. I'm the last one who should mention this.) But I think you do tend to unfairly demonize yourself. If you think I'm wrong, go back through this thread and read your the first part of your posts - where you respond to others. I would say that is coming from a kind and generous person. If that brings you a sense of peace, maybe that's your calling, helping others at a time of crisis.

But I want to bring back our hashtag, not only for you but everyone in this forum.

#BeKindToYourself

It sounds like you're making progress on the alcohol and wish you continued success. But when a relapse happens, try to just acknowledge it and move forward. You are so much more as a person that just your drinking.


As for me, I'm in the Bay Area of California this week on a work training session. The time zone has me totally confused, and the days have been long and stressful. (Imagine cram a semester worth of material into 4 days. It's not quite that bad, but definitely feels like it.) And I have to do the whole socal thing with strangers. UGH!!

But on a positive note, they rented a suite at the NBA Suns vs Warriors game. So we got to watch the game in person. It was pretty cool. Every now and then, life has a way of throwing you a bone, just to keep you going.

I wish everyone a better day than the one before.

 

[ColorlessTrees]

@dazed_dreamer I can relate to this, and empathize. Upon reading I had many more thoughts, but they've been scattered and forgotten. I wish I could say something more meaningful, but it certainly struck a chord with me.

@UsagiDrop Thank you for remembering me! I didn't realize how long it'd been until I logged back on. Time is really blurring by and I haven't been well. I've updated myself on everyone's posts and I'm again sorry I feel too scattered to make conversation, but I wish you the best.

Earlier in the week I had some relief..late, but always welcome. I can feel myself becoming unstable again, but I had a couple of happy/productive days and I was able to make progress with my language learning, keep up with self care, and catch up on preparations for my upcoming travel (2.5 weeks). Seeing my fiancé again is the only thing that's kept me holding on, but the closer it gets the more time feels stagnant. I've been waiting months for this.

I'm also really disappointed I didn't get to go back to the host farm I loved this fall (volunteer work through WWOOF), as we had planned that but I became so mentally unwell I didn't make it back for any amount of time. I don't think I'll get the chance again.

All in all, I'm honestly surprised I've kept out the psych ward this month. Being at home and able to "work towards" nothing is awful for my mental state, but volunteer work aside I know I can't commit to anything right now. That said, there is a better life for me, tangibly, on the horizon next year.

 

[UsagiDrop]

Didn't think I would post here but I was trying some different avenues and figured this would be the best place!

Welcome to the thread! I love when lurkers join us, because that's exactly what I did. We're happy to have you.

It sucks that things have gotten worse for you lately. I hope that you've had better days these days, and that you're finding some relief since posting this update. It's great to have a psychiatrist that you can trust, and I'm happy that you're having a positive and safe experience with yours. I'll keep my fingers crossed that things go well with the ECT research and process, as well!

Please keep us updated when you're feeling up to it and when you're able to, we would love to hear from you more no matter what it is you have to say.

I've been feeling more ok lately, at least, and am coming out of my dissociation more I think. I might try and push myself to start meditating & going for walks outside again soon.

It's always great to hear that you're doing better. I hope that you can get into those habits again, as I'm sure they're good for your healing. I kind of want to start doing walks too but I can never bring myself to do anything. My apartment complex actually has a lot of paths to walk on, so it wouldn't be hard. Meditation, though, I never got the hang of.

Being able to keep a habit like that up until September is really impressive, though! It hasn't been that long since then, so falling off isn't so bad. It's not too late to get on top of things again, and I hope that you do. Keep us updated, and thank you for checking in!

After my heart attack, I got into a good routine of exercise.

All of this talk about exercising is going to scare me back into a routine. A heart attack sounds so painful.

Thank you for your kind words, again. I do kind of hold this belief that everyone besides me is good, and I end up being way kinder to others than I am to myself. I'm a lot harder on myself for doing the same things that other people may do, I guess I hold myself to a higher standard that isn't really healthy. I don't know how to stop though. But maybe taking my own advice is a start. Or maybe I should imagine myself as someone that isn't myself, so I could give myself the same compassion I give others.

If that brings you a sense of peace, maybe that's your calling, helping others at a time of crisis.

I would agree, but doing it for a living isn't exactly going good for me. I do like to do it and it makes me happy to positively impact others, but I guess turning it into a job is burning me out and making me feel a little jaded about it. I wonder why I can help others, but not really myself?

Thank you for updating us from Cali! I'm happy life is throwing you some bones at the same time it's giving you some challenge. It's keeping you going and keeping you growing, haha. The unpleasant parts suck, but I hope that they are more than worth it at the end of your travels. Stay safe!

Time is really blurring by and I haven't been well.

I'm really so sorry to hear this. It's unfortunate that you've been having a bad time, I know how it is for days to just bleed into one another. But I'm happy you've found some relief at all, no matter how late it's arrived, and that you have something to look forward to in the future! Also, don't feel bad about not being able to reply to everyone/converse with people. Just updating us is enough, so thank you for checking in today!

This is the advice that I should be taking myself but I hope you won't be too hard on yourself for being stagnant for a while. It's okay if we're doing too poorly to be productive as long as we don't intend to stay stuck like that forever, I think. It's wonderful that you've gotten back on task with some of your productivity. What languages are you learning?

Next year is really soon. Let's hold out for just a few more months so that you can give a brand new life a chance! I hope that seeing your fiancé will be just the thing you need!

Oh, and looking forward to seeing you on the Discord if you're able to sign up!!

My update today is that I worked through my anxiety and joined the Discord. Also, my plant is dead. Her name was Cathy and she was pink, so I loved her a lot. She will be missed, haha.

I'm going to try to not just lurk in the Discord. I dunno what it is about groups but I get so scared in them for no reason.

Hope everyone has been having an okay week! We've almost made it to the weekend, just a few more days left.

 

[sadwriter]

Hello guys!

Just wanted to post a quick positive update from me. I finally meditated for the first time in like five weeks, and also made a little breakthrough with processing some stuff.

Basically, a large part of the reason why I've been having a tough time for the last few months is due to what I've come to recognize was a pretty traumatic circumstance involving moving out of my old apartment. My room there was my safe space and I did a lot of important & difficult work there processing past trauma outside of therapy, but without getting into too much detail, that sense of safety was taken away from me not too long before I had to move, and I haven't felt the same/ haven't felt entirely okay since. I've known this to some degree for a while but didn't know the magnitude of it until recently, nor how to deal with it.

Anyway, tonight I was trying to figure out how to calm my nervous system again and I did this mental exercise/ meditation thing where I imagined myself in my old apartment in an alternate universe where the traumatic stuff didn't happen and it felt incredibly healing, as if I was able to emotionally experience it really happening that way. I feel more physically relaxed and safe than I have in maybe five months. This is only a first step but I am still really excited to have this sense of relief and to have made this progress. The amount of energy that it's taken for me to exist on a daily basis lately has been tremendous, and I'm just now remembering a glimpse of what normal used to feel like for me.

Anyway, I'll be back tomorrow (hopefully) to respond to everyone, but just wanted to post this progress because I was excited about it and though of you guys afterwards since this group has been a constant support for me throughout the past couple of shitty months.

I hope everyone has a good end of the week! (And yay for UsagiDrop joining the discord!!)

 

[HighFlight]

@sadwriter - That sounds like an amazing breakthrough on multiple fronts. The ability to get yourself into a meditative state itself is wonderful news. It's not easy, but can be powerfully healing. But also to gain some enlightenment in the process is an added benefit.

It's not always obvious when we retreat into our safe space, but losing access to it only magnifies any traumatic event that occurred. Hopefully you can use your new found insights to find a path towards healing and recovery. You deserve it.

 

[lita-lassi]

guys guys guys i took a hard reality break and just spent the best week in vegas with my best friend. she paid for me to gtfo of nyc knowing what was going on. we saw 5 shows (cirque du soliel is beyond words), i banged 3 really amazing smartypants dudes who reminded me that not everyone that wants to fuck me is an evil dick (im a firm believer in getting under someone else to get over someone lol), and walked like 20 miles and saw so much of everything. total reset, now back with my dad and brother in safety to plan legal shenanigans. i havent felt this good in a while. i actually have some optimism about trouncing my dumbass ex with a civil suit threat. hes crying about being broke and tried to ruin my vacation so tripledouble fuck him. i greatly appreciate the love and support from this thread; yall are golden geese laying love eggs all over i have a lot of moving and setting up to accomplish and need to start burying my head in math books so idk how regularly ill be here or reply to everyone, but i do read it and im very happy some of you have had some better days recently im sure ill have some rough times ahead dealing with bitchbaby and it helps knowing i can come here and rant. i dont have discord but if i consider getting it i will def ask. love you guys. nothing is permanent in life and that isn't always bad hard things pass

 

[HighFlight]

@lita-lassi - Good for you! (Although what happens in Vegas is supposed to stay in Vegas. ) I'm glad you had a wonderful time and an opportunity to forget your problems and enjoy life. Did you get the chance to see the new Sphere? It's supposed to be amazing.

Hopefully, now that you've had a chance to recharge, you can come up with a way to get your stuff back. Please keep your safety in mind when dealing with him. Have someone go with, meet only in public places, etc. And get a restraining order if needed.

Thank you for letting us know how you're doing. We've been concerned and I'm sure everyone will be able to relax a little knowing you're in a safe spot and planning your next move.

While you will be missed, I'm glad to see you leave us under these circumstances. Maybe, if you get a chance, pop back in and let us know now how you're doing and the progress you've made getting your stuff back.

With peace and love...

 

[sadwriter]

Hello all!

@lita-lassi it's awesome that you got to go on that trip after everything you've been through!! And I'm also really glad that you're safe with family and feeling more confident about the suit. I felt really happy for you reading your update the other night. It sounds like you've been through hell and back and you deserve better things. Good luck dealing with your ex and I hope that things continue to be positive for you.

@ColorlessTrees I'm sorry to hear that you haven't been doing well. I very much understand the struggle of not being able to commit to things because of poor mental health– I'm in the same position currently– and it sucks since not having structure or anything to "work towards," as you said, can make things feel even worse. It's a real damned if you do, damned if you don't situation. But that's great that you're going to be seeing your fiancé again soon, and that there's a better life ahead for you next year!

It's always great to hear that you're doing better. I hope that you can get into those habits again, as I'm sure they're good for your healing. I kind of want to start doing walks too but I can never bring myself to do anything. My apartment complex actually has a lot of paths to walk on, so it wouldn't be hard. Meditation, though, I never got the hang of.

Being able to keep a habit like that up until September is really impressive, though! It hasn't been that long since then, so falling off isn't so bad. It's not too late to get on top of things again, and I hope that you do. Keep us updated, and thank you for checking in!

Thank you! I was really happy to have picked up that habit, and it definitely helped me a ton. I haven't meditated since the other day when I posted, but we'll see if I can get back to it.

Thank you for your kind words, again. I do kind of hold this belief that everyone besides me is good, and I end up being way kinder to others than I am to myself. I'm a lot harder on myself for doing the same things that other people may do, I guess I hold myself to a higher standard that isn't really healthy. I don't know how to stop though. But maybe taking my own advice is a start. Or maybe I should imagine myself as someone that isn't myself, so I could give myself the same compassion I give others.

I understand this/ have been there myself as well… I think that imagining yourself as someone else is a really good idea! Have you seen the "advice to not be so hard on myself" thread? I ended up bookmarking it because everyone on the thread had a lot of wise words to say to the OP, and I think maybe it could be helpful for you as well.

Also, sorry to hear about Cathy… may she rest in peace in plant heaven.

@HighFlight55 I hope you're getting through your week of long & stressful days of learning lots of stuff. Given that you haven't posted any "crazy updates" like you said you might, hopefully things are going well?


On my end, it's been pretty much right back to the pit of self hatred. The other night was definitely helpful in terms of getting me back to a place where I can physically relax, but there's a whole fucking lot of stuff that I still need to deal with. I had therapy yesterday and my therapist pointed out another issue that I apparently have (but strongly believed I didn't up until now). I'm at the point now where I don't feel confident in my own judgement of myself anymore, so instead of getting defensive I just assumed she was probably right, said "okay" and died inside. This is definitely progress, but I hate that progress at this point means not being able to trust myself anymore.

The past however many months have consisted of so many moments of getting bitch slapped by the reality of my own faults & mistakes. It feels like the bottom has fallen out on my life, between what's happening externally with the move & no longer being able to graduate in December & my life coming to a standstill and this sense that I've been wrong about myself all along. The first four or five months of 2023 were a period of extreme personal growth in a way that felt positive and was good for my mood, but now I'm up to the part of personal growth that involves owning up to shit. I know that all of this stuff is good, but I'm filled with so much anger towards myself for not doing better sooner when I had all the hints a person could need. I keep just feeling like I'm a monster & less of a person than everyone else & like I should have CTB when I was younger, before I knew that it would be an irrational thing to do for myself given my own circumstances.

I also hate how up & down I've been over the past however many days. I'm sure it's a result of not taking care of myself particularly well, but it's not making me feel any less "mentally ill". I've been having pretty bad chest pain & headaches & back pain as a result of just sitting with all this anger towards myself and not doing anything with it.

Best wishes to all. I hope everyone else does a better job at following #BeKindToYourself than I have today.

 

[HighFlight]

It's been a very long week and am finally headed home. It was an emotional rollercoaster, but overall it was a good week and learned a lot.

@sadwriter- I really understand that feeling of up and down, as I've come to recognize my own issues. I wonder if it is part of the healing process we need to go through.

More later....

 

[chancerlane]

How can I join this discord group?

 

[larastoned]

How can I join this discord group?

Same question.

 

[sadwriter]

You'd need an invite to join the recovery discord. We don't yet have our own channel but a lot of members from the thread are now on there. I don't know whether anyone can invite new members or whether is has to be a mod/ someone who's been there for a while, but the others probably know better than me. (I'm still considered a new member on the discord.)

 

[HighFlight]

Hi @chancerlane and @larastoned,

Thank you for your interest in the recovery group and specifically the Discord server. If you've read through this thread, you'd probably see that most of our conversations are right here. We still thinking about transitioning some of the communications to Discord, but it hasn't gained a lot of traction as of yet.

If you would like to share, what brings you to SaSu and this thread. We normally post every few days (some more, others less) about how we're feeling and what's going on in our lives. Consider this a non-judgmental safe space to post what's on your mind.

As for myself, I'm still traveling back home from the west coast (California) and hope to get home in another 4 hours. Hoping to be able to post more details about my last week sometime this weekend.

 

[carac]

How can I join this discord group?

You need to get a few more posts I think but once you do I can pm you and invite you to the Bus Station Discord server if you would like, it's not the same one mentioned here just more of a general server but not focused on recovery but you can accept roles so you can only particiapate in the recovery side

 

[chancerlane]

You need to get a few more posts I think but once you do I can pm you and invite you to the Bus Station Discord server if you would like, it's not the same one mentioned here just more of a general server but not focused on recovery but you can accept roles so you can only particiapate in the recovery side

Okay thank you will try and interact on here more instead of just lurking haha