"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[HighFlight]

So it's been a few days since my last personal post so I thought I'd add a quick update. I've been trying to respond and acknowledge all the updates this weekend. Hopefully, everyone's week is off to a better start...

Since my ketamine session on Friday, I've actually been riding a wave of drug-induced happiness. I think the biggest factor is recognizing just how hard I've been on myself over the past few years. That along with the need to keep up an image of normalcy in a world that's messed up. I had a follow-up therapy session yesterday and we were able discuss plans for the future, including ways to start dealing with the family issues.

I know I'm not cured, and have many issues to deal with. But maybe with a little advice from @sadwriter and the universe, I can find myself in a better place.

#BeKind2Yourself

 

[sadwriter]

Since my ketamine session on Friday, I've actually been riding a wave of drug-induced happiness. I think the biggest factor is recognizing just how hard I've been on myself over the past few years. That along with the need to keep up an image of normalcy in a world that's messed up. I had a follow-up therapy session yesterday and we were able discuss plans for the future, including ways to start dealing with the family issues.

I know I'm not cured, and have many issues to deal with. But maybe with a little advice from @sadwriter and the universe, I can find myself in a better place.

#BeKind2Yourself

This sounds like a big step forward! Props to you for making this progress! Glad to hear that the ketamine treatment plateau is no longer in a plateau state.

#BeKind2Youself for the win!

Also, oof, keeping up "an image of normalcy in a world that's messed up"... that rings painfully true.


As for me, today was a little better than the past few– externally the same, but internally I feel like I might be ready to start climbing out of the pit after all. I spoke to someone at my school who I'd been putting off meeting with for a while and also gracefully navigated a situation where one of my friends accidentally did something that made me feel shitty without realizing it (and I was reminded of someone who I had a really painful falling out with several months ago who used to be an enormous part of my life), both of which made me feel a bit more confident in myself again.

Operation #BeKind2Yourself can still use some work. My black & white thinking towards myself has me struggling to simultaneously own up to & recognize my flaws and take responsibility for my mistakes while also giving myself some grace and not declaring myself to be an absolute garbage human. Logically speaking it's not at all hard, but emotionally I still have some work to do. (It's wild how a person can understand something on a logical level and yet not have their emotions reflect that understanding at all... once again, I wish I could approach everything like a calculus problem set and leave it at that!)

 

[carac]

Hey all, I just wanted to say I'm doing a lot better now. I was really obsessing and stressing out but I spoke to my manager and he basically said "it's not your responsibility it's mine" which is what I needed to hear. It's so nice to have a place like this to open up to when I'm struggling and get support, I should pay attention to the thread more often.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I really wanted to reply to everyone individually but unfortunately I haven't really been in the space to do any of that. Thank you for the kind words, though, because they've been getting me through the days. @HighFlight55 and @sadwriter

I'm not doing very well with sobriety. Off drugs but I'm still drinking. Yesterday, I was told I didn't need to go into work for the day unexpectedly, and even though the reason thankfully had nothing to with me, to deal with the stress, I started drinking what I had leftover in the fridge… at like 11am. It made me really sick by the evening, I was up until about 4am last night just throwing up bile. There was nothing inside of me for my body to reject, I only could stomach about three bites of food. I still want to drink again today and I'm trying not to. My partner is trying to help me. We're thinking I should probably ween off alcohol instead of trying to stop cold turkey, since I can't really get any other help right now. If I can get myself to drink only one drink a day, I can eventually stop doing it every day, and then go from there. Or at least that's the idea.

It's pretty ugly on my side right now. I haven't been sleeping well, either. I cried every day at work this week. I've been in a lot of pain. Project #BeKind2Yourself has been a fluke, for me, because I find myself cursing me and my body quite often, especially when I'm waking up like every hour. I feel really horrible and a little hopeless, at this point, but I'm going to keep trying my best.

I keep pulling my cards on the days I feel up to it. Same message. I should be compassionate to myself, and forgive myself, but I just don't know how to do that. I absolutely loathe myself. From the bottom of my heart, I really do. But, apparently, I'm on the brink of something new according to the cards. I don't know if I've ever said this before but I feel like I'm always saying it, things seem to fall apart right before something great happens. I'll try to hold out this little bit of hope that I have left. Even if it's placebo, anything will help.

And I also hope that this week has been kinder to you all than it has been to me, because you guys definitely deserve a kind week.

 

[sadwriter]

@carac I'm glad to hear that things worked out and that you're doing better!

@UsagiDrop I'm really sorry that you're having such a tough time... I can only imagine how physically and emotionally exhausted you must feel. Throwing up is awful, as is not being able to sleep. Though I know firsthand just how hard it can be to be kind to yourself, know that everyone here is in your corner rooting for you. From getting to know you here I think that you're an awesome person, for what it's worth, even if you're hitting a lower point and loathe yourself now. As HighFlight always says, some days are gonna be bad, but the fact that you're looking to get back up and keep trying towards sobriety is important to recognize. All that being said, it's okay if you aren't able to give yourself grace right now and just need to sit in it and feel fucking bad and hate yourself in this moment. I know that the word "should" can just lead to even more feelings of self loathing if you're not able to accomplish the "should," so if you can, don't get into a cycle of beating yourself up for beating yourself up. (I mention this because I know it's something that I would probably do and have done before.)

I hope that you're able to get some actually good rest in the upcoming days and start to feel better...


I don't have much to say on my end: just another day in my temporary life of barely doing anything while I scrape my mental health back together. I had therapy and really underplayed how badly I've been feeling lately, which wasn't the greatest thing (and also kind of defeats the purpose of therapy), but I'm gonna try to open up more next week. I still had a good session regardless, though.

Oh yeah, and my therapist actually assigned me a very on-brand homework assignment for this group, ie, to write down three positive things about myself every day this coming week. I actually got emotional when she had me do it in session because I've been seeing myself in such a negative light lately...

Best wishes to all

 

[HighFlight]

@UsagiDrop - it's been difficult to read about your current struggles, and a hope that you can stop throwing up and get some much needed rest. Sadwriter, as always, did a great job in his response and I couldn't agree more.

Ironically, our #BeKindToYourself isn't just about thinking positive thoughts about yourself. It's also recognizing that there are times you will feel crappy - physically, mentally, and emotionally. And giving yourself the space and grace to work through it. All of your feelings are valid, and I'm praying for you that this will pass with some time, and some hard work. You have such a great goal, and it's wonderful that you're getting support from your partner.

Although it may not feel like it now, you have the power to get through this! You need to believe that you can. And if you can't, you need to trust your partner, sadwriter, myself, and everyone else here - we believe in you.

@sadwriter - I glad to hear your making progress and are meeting with a therapist. You also need to give yourself some grace. It will take some time to get your life back while scraping your mental health back together.

[Bonus points] If you want to put yourself out there, start a new thread in this forum based on the homework from your therapist. And challenge others to add their three positive things about them. I hope this goes without saying, but only do this if you feel comfortable.

@carac - thanks for letting us know how things are going, and I'm glad you got the support you needed at work. Please feel free to participate in this thread, even if simply to let us know how you're doing or providing support for others when they're down.

No real changes on my side - Groundhog Day continues. I'm coming down from the short term happiness of the ketamine, but it has laid bare some areas I need to work on myself. Ironically, one of those is giving myself some grace.

Tagging some of our other friends whom we haven't heard from in a while. I hope all of you are doing well, and we'd love to hear from you;
@BurgundySnap,
@cardboard_house, @SolaceNight, @LoiteringClouds, @lita-lassi , @Night_Crew

 

[sadwriter]

[Bonus points] If you want to put yourself out there, start a new thread in this forum based on the homework from your therapist. And challenge others to add their three positive things about them. I hope this goes without saying, but only do this if you feel comfortable.

That's a great idea! I just might do it tomorrow.

 

[parader]

hey everyone! haven't been here for a while, but was wondering how everyone's doing

I'm not doing very well with sobriety. Off drugs but I'm still drinking. Yesterday, I was told I didn't need to go into work for the day unexpectedly, and even though the reason thankfully had nothing to with me, to deal with the stress, I started drinking what I had leftover in the fridge… at like 11am. It made me really sick by the evening, I was up until about 4am last night just throwing up bile. There was nothing inside of me for my body to reject, I only could stomach about three bites of food. I still want to drink again today and I'm trying not to. My partner is trying to help me. We're thinking I should probably ween off alcohol instead of trying to stop cold turkey, since I can't really get any other help right now. If I can get myself to drink only one drink a day, I can eventually stop doing it every day, and then go from there. Or at least that's the idea.

i can relate to this so much, today was actually the second day i didn't drink in weeks and it's ruining my mood
i'm being way more reactive and irritable than i actually am, and i know this is related to abstinence because i'm craving a drink so bad from the very moment i woke up
addiction manifests itself in different ways for different people so i don't know if you feel the same way but i don't have such a hard time staying sober when i'm feeling better about life
it's kind of weird actually, when i'm doing ok i even forget to drink, days go by and i suddenly realize i didn't even notice
i don't know if this works for you and i don't feel like i have any control right now of when this happens to me, but seems like a silver-lining that maybe if i can just find something better, drinking won't feel like such a loss
i know "getting better" is what we aim for, don't be too hard on yourself for struggling, try what seems more feasible right now and keep holding on, i hope it gets easier

as for me, today was a really hard day, i felt terrible, cried, lost count of how many times i thought it would be better to just end it all
but i've noticed that recently whenever i get such bad days is when i feel most optimistic, i don't know how or why, it's a paradox actually, i cry over happy little videos of cats on the internet, and think of how precious it is to exist
i have no idea what's going on in my mind right now, i'm not a religious person of any sorts, but i like these days more than the ones i feel so indifferent and apathetic towards anything
maybe that's progress? i can't tell
hope you all have a great weekend, and i'm thankful this place exists

edit: also, a tip i'm experimenting with to see if it can help in any way: paying attention to my negative thoughts, but there's a catch, when i think something bad about myself i try to evaluate if it's warranted and if it makes any sense, if that's the case i try to understand the feeling and let myself feel, but while practicing this i noticed a lot of thoughts that crawl out of nowhere and are just mean for no reason at all, these ones i try to not pay much mind to, i just let them pass and sometimes answer mentally
like sometimes i'm just eating breakfast and suddenly think "i'm just so stupid" out of the blue and answer "no i'm not" and that's it, i don't answer any further and don't give them much room, i'm not sure it's working but i think it might

 

[HighFlight]

Hi @parader - welcome back.

i cry over happy little videos of cats on the internet, and think of how precious it is to exist

It's interesting to hear you say this, as this happens to me as well. I don't have a real answer for it, but I feel it's related to seeing parts of life that are unique and special, and feeling like I can't be included cause I'm broken. I tear up at the littlest things these days. It could be good or bad stuff, but it always seems to be something that has an emotional vibe - the innocence of kittens playing, or happiness of a good conversation, etc.

i felt terrible, cried, lost count of how many times i thought it would be better to just end it all
but i've noticed that recently whenever i get such bad days is when i feel most optimistic

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. Unfortunately, thinking about ending it all does provide a feeling of control over your life, which can bring some optimism. Enjoy the feeling, but remember, life (and death) have a way of being unpredictable. So please don't make any permanent decisions when you're feeling like that.

I'm sorry if this sounds like the rambling of an old man, its because that's what it is. I feel like my responses have changed from Rafiki to Eeyore to Charle Brown's teacher. (Incoherent mumbling for those who haven't seen the original Charlie Brown animations. )

I hope the you have a weekend that is better than today, and that everyone is doing well.

 

[parader]

Hi @parader - welcome back.


It's interesting to hear you say this, as this happens to me as well. I don't have a real answer for it, but I feel it's related to seeing parts of life that are unique and special, and feeling like I can't be included cause I'm broken. I tear up at the littlest things these days. It could be good or bad stuff, but it always seems to be something that has an emotional vibe - the innocence of kittens playing, or happiness of a good conversation, etc.


I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so bad. Unfortunately, thinking about ending it all does provide a feeling of control over your life, which can bring some optimism. Enjoy the feeling, but remember, life (and death) have a way of being unpredictable. So please don't make any permanent decisions when you're feeling like that.

I'm sorry if this sounds like the rambling of an old man, its because that's what it is. I feel like my responses have changed from Rafiki to Eeyore to Charle Brown's teacher. (Incoherent mumbling for those who haven't seen the original Charlie Brown animations. )

I hope the you have a weekend that is better than today, and that everyone is doing well.

thank you! i'm not great at being consistent but i always feel welcome here
i find that tears of joy are one of the purest things i can ever feel, it's as close to bliss as it can get at least for me
it's a feeling hard to describe, but i think is the same you're conveying when talking about "emotional vibe", it doesn't have to be happy but it always stirs something worthy and meaningful from our very cores
i've searched for a word to describe this feeling for most of my life and i could only define it through some very specific pieces of art and long philosophical debates
also, i think if you tear up at the sight of kittens playing you're already closer to this "something special" than a lot of people who are blind to this feeling, i hope you can realize someday that this ain't alien to you, you're a part of it, a rainbow is still there when no one's looking but it's only when someone finds beauty and awe at its sight that both the observer and the phenomena hold meaning together

anyways, your ramblings are the best :)

 

[lita-lassi]

im still on the run sleeping on couches and i need to hire an attorney. its almost unbelievable the police actually refused to help me despite me having in writing from the sack of shit holding my belongings hostage that hes trying to force me to pay $20,000 for my own clothes, books, my dads records etc lmfao - which, $20k is conveniently what he estimated my fathers record collection he has leveraged against me to be valued at. this is clear cut extortion with all the subtlety of fireworks in an antique shop. he has 0 legal right to any money from me, hes made awful accusations of theft and abuse, tried to say he did nothing wrong lol. the dogcunt choked me and yelled at me for not helping him sell "enough" drugs and trying to prevent him spiraling out on his horrible addictions. the cops have said if i fill out a report on him choking me he will get arrested. but if he does i dont know what hes willing to do to my possessions out of anger, hes too dangerous and unpredictable. much as maybe i shouldnt care, my wardrobe and shoes and carefully bought skin things are a part of my identity. they gave me confidence and made me feel able to take on so many tasks that terrify me. he physically confronted and intervened the other day when he found out i was moving some of my possessions from a friends house, threated to call the cops on me for holding my own grandmothers desk and bags of what are CLEARLY my fucking clothes (i shouldve let him and just watched him act like a fucking lunatic while the cops scratched their heads at him), and kept yelling a whole lot. every day i get walls of text accusing me of being a monster, the thing that ruined his life, made his addiction worse, i made him cheat, it was his adhd and ptsd and my terrible communication blah blah blah. every excuse in the fucking book for being a gargantuan all-around failure and waste of dna. i have to hire a lawyer and i am fucking broke and despondent. but that despondency is turning more and more to sheer acrimony and motivational hatred. not once have i seriously considered ending myself in lieu of this insane motherfuckers attempts to destroy whats left of my thin stability. hes a goddamn idiot to forget i listen to lectures from lawyers and judges as a fucking hobby & often, the lawyers ive talked to say hes fucked. i look forward to watching a judge mop a courtroom with his ass and making him pay for my legal fees. fuck self pity or the high road of abandoning my property; im gonna start sinking teeth into ankles until bone snaps.

anyone in an abusive, fucked situation: do what you need to do to get the fuck away. sever. nothing is worth that internal bombing and fallout they cause, the parts of you they try to destroy, the esteem they strip from your dignity. fuck that and fuck them with broken glass. stay strong people. youre better than that.

 

[HighFlight]

@lita-lassi - I continue to be amazed at your strength and courage, and know that we are rooting for you to get your possessions back and be able to start a new life without him. I'm also glad you are able to vent here, and keep us informed on your progress. We've been worried about you after your last post.

While I can't say I've been in a similar situation, I did grow up with an alcoholic father who was abusive to my mom. She lived with it for the "sake of the kids", and finally divorced him when my little brother was 16. A year after the divorce, he showed up and shot my mom and brother. Both lived, but I had to clean up all the blood. The bloody print of my mom's hand on the white front door is embedded in my mind to this day. I've been filled with hate and rage toward him all this time. It wasn't until after his death, just a couple years ago, that I finally saw the human behind the monster, and he was just as fucked up as I am.

Nothing excuses their behavior - it's wrong! But hopefully, after all the immediate drama is over and you've started over, you can look back and say that maybe he does have issues that caused him to behave this way. And in doing so, be able to forgive and heal yourself (without him in your life).

Good luck in getting through the process of getting your clothes and possessions back, especially your dad's albums. I'm sorry you're having to go through all of this. I know it's difficult, but please try to stay positive and focused on your future. (I'm here to talk if you'd like. Just send me a PM.)

Wishing you all the best!

 

[Night_Crew]

@UsagiDrop - it's been difficult to read about your current struggles, and a hope that you can stop throwing up and get some much needed rest. Sadwriter, as always, did a great job in his response and I couldn't agree more.

Ironically, our #BeKindToYourself isn't just about thinking positive thoughts about yourself. It's also recognizing that there are times you will feel crappy - physically, mentally, and emotionally. And giving yourself the space and grace to work through it. All of your feelings are valid, and I'm praying for you that this will pass with some time, and some hard work. You have such a great goal, and it's wonderful that you're getting support from your partner.

Although it may not feel like it now, you have the power to get through this! You need to believe that you can. And if you can't, you need to trust your partner, sadwriter, myself, and everyone else here - we believe in you.

@sadwriter - I glad to hear your making progress and are meeting with a therapist. You also need to give yourself some grace. It will take some time to get your life back while scraping your mental health back together.

[Bonus points] If you want to put yourself out there, start a new thread in this forum based on the homework from your therapist. And challenge others to add their three positive things about them. I hope this goes without saying, but only do this if you feel comfortable.

@carac - thanks for letting us know how things are going, and I'm glad you got the support you needed at work. Please feel free to participate in this thread, even if simply to let us know how you're doing or providing support for others when they're down.

No real changes on my side - Groundhog Day continues. I'm coming down from the short term happiness of the ketamine, but it has laid bare some areas I need to work on myself. Ironically, one of those is giving myself some grace.

Tagging some of our other friends whom we haven't heard from in a while. I hope all of you are doing well, and we'd love to hear from you;
@BurgundySnap,
@cardboard_house, @SolaceNight, @LoiteringClouds, @lita-lassi , @Night_Crew

Thank you so much for the shout-out. It truly means a lot. I'm not sure when the last time someone remembered me was to be honest.

It has been a strange couple of weeks. I've had a job change forced upon me and am still trying to navigate what it means. I also had a GP appointment for the first time in almost 3 years, but it was definitely not useful by any means (moreso just a check as I had been limited to only a week's worth of medication as blood tests were overdue by such a long time.

I'm not sure how I'm doing to be honest. Still bad dreams every night and negative thoughts all day.

It would be great to hear how you are doing when you feel ready.

 

[sadwriter]

@lita-lassi once again, holy shit... It's a good thing you got away from this guy. Calling him a "dogcunt" sounds like an understatement. Like HighFlight said, I really commend your bravery and I hope that you're able to get your things back. The whole situation sounds insane... Also, the stuff you said about your wardrobe mattering to you a lot makes perfect sense to me and I do think that you're very much valid in caring about losing that stuff. Best of luck and I hope that fucker gets what's coming to him.

@HighFlight55 much how I felt after reading lita-lassi's update, I'm at a loss of words after reading your story... I'm glad, at least, that your mother and brother came out alive and that you were able to process what happened and heal (at least somewhat).


As for me, I went back and visited my apartment for a bit this weekend to take care of a few things, and had the chance to meet up with a close friend of mine who was in town. I felt better than expected returning home. I wasn't sure if I'd be triggered going back to my apartment considering how badly I was doing when I was last there, but being there gave me a bit more energy and hope, at least temporarily.

I haven't been doing as great since then. I ended up having a really awful dissociative/ depersonalization episode (or something like that) yesterday that was unlike anything I've ever experienced. Somewhat hilariously, I apparently looked/ was acting entirely normal from the outside despite the fact that I felt like nothing was real including myself and was in a state of panic for multiple hours. Looks like I'm so disallusioned to my own mental health crisis states at this point that I'm able to just carry on with buisness as usual even when it feels like my entire reality is crumbling.

 

[lita-lassi]

Nothing excuses their behavior - it's wrong! But hopefully, after all the immediate drama is over and you've started over, you can look back and say that maybe he does have issues that caused him to behave this way. And in doing so, be able to forgive and heal yourself (without him in your life).

Good luck in getting through the process of getting your clothes and possessions back, especially your dad's albums.

he has a lot of issues and takes them out on everyone else around him aggressively. i definitely understand the trauma and problems he has but understanding doesnt help at this point, he actively pushes away anyone who claims to relate to his particular situations. he operates like "oh we both have adhd!? cool we're best friends until you say you have a certain struggles and suddenly mine are way worse and you couldnt possibly grasp how hard my adhd AND ptsd are"

if it was just my shit, i would definitely still be very be pissed but likely able to say fuck it and leave my clothes behind. but he has all my dads records, my dead grandmothers engagement ring and the few other heirlooms that made it to my family. i will eat my hat before giving up on getting those back

love you all, im sorry some folks are having a shit time

 

[HighFlight]

I'm not sure how I'm doing to be honest. Still bad dreams every night and negative thoughts all day.

I happy you checked it. It sounds like you have a lot going on right now, between work and getting the meds you need. Hopefully, it will all work out for you.

Out of curiosity, have you checked the side effects of the various meds your own? I had one prescription that gave me horrible, apocalyptic lucid dreams. (If you told us why you were having the bad dreams before, I'm sorry I missed it or forgot.)

Looks like I'm so disallusioned to my own mental health crisis states at this point that I'm able to just carry on with buisness as usual even when it feels like my entire reality is crumbling.

God, I know this feeling. Until 2019, I was able to keep everything together. But I hit a point that year where everything just exploded. Since that time, there have been days where I look and act perfectly normal on the outside. But inside, my thoughts were in complete disarray. For me, I had years of practice. For you, give yourself some space to work through what your feeling on the inside. And don't ignore it. It may help get you through the day, but it will come back to haunt you later in life.

As for me, I went back and visited my apartment for a bit this weekend to take care of a few things, and had the chance to meet up with a close friend of mine who was in town. I felt better than expected returning home.

This sounds like good news. And might be a good way to slowly get back to a regular routine - short visits, maybe growing in length over time. But didn't you say your parent's house was quite a distance from your apartment?

i definitely understand the trauma and problems he has but understanding doesnt help at this point, he actively pushes away anyone who claims to relate to his particular situations.

To be honest, i was thinking about this as a way to help you heal after all this is in the past. His mental health issues are only concerning to me to the extent that they are hurting you. When this is over and you've moved on with your life, try to release the anger you're rightfully feeling now. For me, seeing my dad as a frail human being with all our flaws allowed me to look past what he did to my family.

if it was just my shit, i would definitely still be very be pissed but likely able to say fuck it and leave my clothes behind. but he has all my dads records, my dead grandmothers engagement ring and the few other heirlooms that made it to my family.

I think sadwriter just wanted to help validate your feelings about your belongings. And he's right - you have every right to be pissed. And while somethings are replaceable, other things have value beyond money to you. Don't give up that fight. I hope you found a good attorney who will help you navigate this mess and you can be free with all your belongings.

For me, everyday is predictably the same. This is the second week in a row my therapist has raised the question of splitting from my wife. Regardless of how miserable I am, I think that would through my oldest son into a tailspin. So consistent with my previous vow, I will not do anything that will put them at risk. I'm just not sure what I'm going to do in the meantime.

BTW - I've been considering the idea of applying for a moderator position here. I'm like the idea, but not sure if it would help or hurt my own mental health. What are your thoughts?

@UsagiDrop - It's been a few days since we've heard from you. How are you doing? We're here for you if you want to talk.

Wishing everyone a better day tomorrow.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I'm sorry people are having a hard time, too. I want to respond to people individually but I'm still not in the space to do that. I think I'll try to type a response tomorrow, if I can, but I do think about all of you and I hope we can all have some better days ahead!

@UsagiDrop - It's been a few days since we've heard from you. How are you doing? We're here for you if you want to talk.

Thank you for checking in on me. I've been doing okay, but just okay. I didn't have to go into work again and I was trying to just enjoy the day off but I am starting to get a little bit stressed about money, unfortunately. On the bright side, I haven't had a drink in about three days after my last spiral. And my plants are doing really well; I'm seeing that my pothos is growing its first new leaves since I brought her into my home. I have those look forward to.

That's really all the updates I have, but no news is good news in the case of me.

 

[BurgundySnap]

It's pretty ugly on my side right now. I haven't been sleeping well, either. I cried every day at work this week. I've been in a lot of pain. Project #BeKind2Yourself has been a fluke, for me, because I find myself cursing me and my body quite often, especially when I'm waking up like every hour. I feel really horrible and a little hopeless, at this point, but I'm going to keep trying my best.

I keep pulling my cards on the days I feel up to it. Same message. I should be compassionate to myself, and forgive myself, but I just don't know how to do that. I absolutely loathe myself. From the bottom of my heart, I really do. But, apparently, I'm on the brink of something new according to the cards. I don't know if I've ever said this before but I feel like I'm always saying it, things seem to fall apart right before something great happens. I'll try to hold out this little bit of hope that I have left. Even if it's placebo, anything will help.

Hi there, @UsagiDrop , what you're going through sounds awfully difficult. To hear of your pain has been heavy, and I truly wish better days in the future for you. Better nights of sleep and easier days surely await you, we will believe in it. @sadwriter and @HighFlight55 shared such kind sentiments, and I agree and could not word things any more. You are honestly a wonderful person, and I think I can say that we wholeheartedly believe in you.

as for me, today was a really hard day, i felt terrible, cried, lost count of how many times i thought it would be better to just end it all
but i've noticed that recently whenever i get such bad days is when i feel most optimistic, i don't know how or why, it's a paradox actually, i cry over happy little videos of cats on the internet, and think of how precious it is to exist
i have no idea what's going on in my mind right now, i'm not a religious person of any sorts, but i like these days more than the ones i feel so indifferent and apathetic towards anything
maybe that's progress? i can't tell
hope you all have a great weekend, and i'm thankful this place exists

Nice to see you, @parader . I'm sorry you had a hard day when you posted this...Though, I do understand a feeling of optimism during such awful times. It really is paradoxical and rather unexplainable. It puts quite a few things into new perspectives, which I find nice at times. Seeing how life lives on and goes on is really something. For all you know, perhaps this is progress.

edit: also, a tip i'm experimenting with to see if it can help in any way: paying attention to my negative thoughts, but there's a catch, when i think something bad about myself i try to evaluate if it's warranted and if it makes any sense, if that's the case i try to understand the feeling and let myself feel, but while practicing this i noticed a lot of thoughts that crawl out of nowhere and are just mean for no reason at all, these ones i try to not pay much mind to, i just let them pass and sometimes answer mentally
like sometimes i'm just eating breakfast and suddenly think "i'm just so stupid" out of the blue and answer "no i'm not" and that's it, i don't answer any further and don't give them much room, i'm not sure it's working but i think it might

This sounds like an excellent thing to experiment with, parader. I'm glad it's helping you notice things. Those thoughts are really unfair and mean to you...
I do hope it works for you.

@lita-lassi , your recent news has been heartbreaking. I could not imagine being in your place during this, it's deplorable what this person is doing. Your words are so strong, I believe them to be a reflection of how strong you're being through this. Hiring a lawyer seems just about impossible...All I can do is hope for you. It's all a difficult path to be forced onto.

As for me, I went back and visited my apartment for a bit this weekend to take care of a few things, and had the chance to meet up with a close friend of mine who was in town. I felt better than expected returning home. I wasn't sure if I'd be triggered going back to my apartment considering how badly I was doing when I was last there, but being there gave me a bit more energy and hope, at least temporarily.

I haven't been doing as great since then. I ended up having a really awful dissociative/ depersonalization episode (or something like that) yesterday that was unlike anything I've ever experienced. Somewhat hilariously, I apparently looked/ was acting entirely normal from the outside despite the fact that I felt like nothing was real including myself and was in a state of panic for multiple hours. Looks like I'm so disallusioned to my own mental health crisis states at this point that I'm able to just carry on with buisness as usual even when it feels like my entire reality is crumbling.

Hey @sadwriter , that was great that your experience was not seemingly too bad at first. I'm sorry about how it has been since then. Dissociation/depersonalization is not great at all, how are you feeling now, a couple days later, if I can ask?

@HighFlight55 , good to see you. I hope things are looking up somewhere in the future. Your words in this thread are wise and often comforting, as always!

To others I did not reply to, I see your posts. I believe in us, and if I felt better I would write novels for each of us! If we can, let's hang in there.

I think I've already typed a lot, or feels like a lot to me. I will make a separate post after this, give me another 5 hours to type it, haha! But I really think this place is good, and the people here. I wish it was easier for us to be able to have better days, as much of a platitude it is to say. I wish I had more of substance to say; words escape me though.

 

[sadwriter]

Hey everyone!

BTW - I've been considering the idea of applying for a moderator position here. I'm like the idea, but not sure if it would help or hurt my own mental health. What are your thoughts?

I think you would make a great mod! It's smart to be wary of how the responsibilities might affect your mental health, but if you think you can handle it I definitely think that you should apply.

@UsagiDrop good to hear from you, and props on staying sober the past few days. Given what you've been going through lately, that sounds like meaningful progress that's worth recognizing. I hope that you'll get called back into work soon and that you'll continue to feel better, or at least continue to feel okay for now.

@BurgundySnap nice to hear from you again as well! I've been wondering how you were doing, and I hope you're feeling better than you were the other day. I'm feeling a lot better than I was on Sunday, thankfully– still pretty far off from my usual baseline state and still pretty dissociative and weird, but a lot more calm and grounded even so.

I don't have too much else to say as far as updates go. I'm finally getting back into the routine of having a relatively consistent sleep schedule and eating three meals per day, which is something I'm realizing I always take for granted when I'm doing well. I haven't eaten this consistently in months, and I'm just now finally at the point where I can feel hungry again and it isn't drowned out by depression-induced/anxiety-induced nausea. I was also reading a Subreddit today related to some of the past trauma stuff that I'm dealing with and it made me feel a bit better & more forgiving of myself. All in all I'm gradually getting better, even if the process is incredibly slow.

 

[BurgundySnap]

To be quite honest, I forgot how to log on to this site, then I forgot what it was called! Oops...Those were strange few days.
I talked to my friend about our misunderstanding, and was not able to get far before not being able to. I think it could lead to far less misunderstanding, yet I understand not wanting to perhaps argue with a friend, so let her change subjects. I talked to one of my own close friends who walked me through things and helped ground me back into reality, and I was thankful for it.

On a different note, I caught a stray kitten who came to our house with others. It is very small and frail, and has a broken leg that healed incorrectly. Estimation it is no older than 4 weeks. I hope to take it to a vet for a prognosis and possible surgery (since cats can apparently live with healed breaks...? So surgery may not be necessary). I think it can live, and it is not in obvious pain nor has other injuries. It might have a respiratory infection, which a vet can help with. I have cleaned it and am giving it food and water and grooming it with wet towels, and it sleeps for majority of the time...I can see a vet at the end of the week earliest. Cats are so resilient...

I had a dream last night, where I was stuck inside a dark room with only one window. Outside was so pretty, and looked so warm. I wrote a farewell letter, saying roughly, "I'm going to fly now, don't look for me. I'm a bird now. We'll never see each other after this." I jumped out the window and was a small bird. I flew around the pretty trees and looked at flowers and bugs and powerlines. A group of people walked by happily, and I started chirping and singing to them. One of them followed me and saw the paper and took me home, and I sat on her shoulder while she listened to music. It smelled like wood and cinnamon.
It was a nice dream, and I think it had to do with getting better more than jumping. I think, if I reach out more, I will find nice people like the woman in my dream. So I think I'll reach out to the nice people, the people on this site. PM's always have been daunting to me, but people can be quite wonderful. Maybe I've been looking outside at the birds for too long! Who knows? I should give more people a chance, it could be nice.

I hope things can get better, having hope for even the temporary things is all that is keeping me afloat. All I am able to do anymore is hope.
I also learned how to type better, so hopefully I'm more coherent now and less typos.

Take care

 

[HighFlight]

Hello everyone,

Question for the whole group...

We've seemed to put together a small, but resilient group of people not ready to ctb and fighting our way towards recovery and some sense of normalcy. I love these "daily" updates as it allows me to feel like I'm part of a group - and not an outsider. But at the same time, if there aren't any updates, I fallback into a feeling of lonely and isolated.

Would anyone be interested in "talking" in more real-time via Discord?

SaSu has a recovery Discord server "Sanctioned Stairway", and I'm sure they'd let us create a channel for our group. (In the future, it could be used for voice, or even video chats. But one step at a time.)

Tagging everyone I can remember so they see this posting: (please forward to anyone I might be missing.)
@UsagiDrop
@sadwriter
@BurgundySnap
@lita-lassi
@parader
@Night_Crew
@Praestat_Mori
@carac
@cardboard_house
@SolaceNight
@LoiteringClouds

My updates and responses to others will be saved for another time.

FYI - I will be traveling to west coast US next week and may be limited on how much time I can spend here. Conversely, you might get another wave of panicked updates as the week progresses.

 

[BurgundySnap]

Hello everyone,

Question for the whole group...

We've seemed to put together a small, but resilient group of people not ready to ctb and fighting our way towards recovery and some sense of normalcy. I love these "daily" updates as it allows me to feel like I'm part of a group - and not an outsider. But at the same time, if there aren't any updates, I fallback into a feeling of lonely and isolated.

Would anyone be interested in "talking" in more real-time via Discord?

SaSu has a recovery Discord server "Sanctioned Stairway", and I'm sure they'd let us create a channel for our group. (In the future, it could be used for voice, or even video chats. But one step at a time.)

Tagging everyone I can remember so they see this posting: (please forward to anyone I might be missing.)
@UsagiDrop
@sadwriter
@BurgundySnap
@lita-lassi
@parader
@Night_Crew
@Praestat_Mori
@carac
@cardboard_house
@SolaceNight
@LoiteringClouds

My updates and responses to others will be saved for another time.

FYI - I will be traveling to west coast US next week and may be limited on how much time I can spend here. Conversely, you might get another wave of panicked updates as the week progresses.

Hello HighFlight55! That's great that we've come this far, I really think this is a strong thread.
I would personally be alright with this idea. I don't know very well how servers and channels work in Discord, since I'm much more familiar with one-on-one DM's (though I understand servers are far better due to their moderation!).
If this becomes a reality, I would be willing to create a new Discord account to talk in a channel! Maybe it is paranoia, though...Please let me know if a regular "main" account would be acceptable.

Please take your time, it's good to hear from you and everyone here on their own time when we can post here. Updates, panicked or sparse, are always welcomed, and we'll listen to you and be here for you, HighFlight55. Wishing you well.

 

[HighFlight]

@BurgundySnap - If there's enough interest, we'll figure the logistics out so everyone is comfortable.

 

[UsagiDrop]

@HighFlight55 I think that a Discord chat would be a great idea. I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to Discord servers so I would probably only ever be active in our little section, lol, but I'm not opposed to it. I remember saying in the beginning that it may be a good idea for the more personal things, though thankfully my concerns about a negative response to the kind of thread that we have here have been unfounded so far. Still, it may be easier for us to communicate on a platform more geared towards for IMs sometimes, because I know that updating in the thread is currently hard for me in the depressive episode that I've slipped into recently, and others may feel the same.

I feel bad even now for not being in the right place to respond to people how I would like to…

Tagging everyone I can remember so they see this posting: (please forward to anyone I might be missing.)

There was also @ColorlessTrees and @stillunemployed that I can remember, who I'm sure we would all love to hear from when they're ready, since it's been a while since we've heard from both of then!

 

[carac]

I would be happy to chat on discord, I didn't even know there was a Sasu recovery discord, is there anyway I could join?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I would be happy to chat on discord, I didn't even know there was a Sasu recovery discord, is there anyway I could join?

There's a "Recovery Chat Room". You could ask in the chat (or General chit-chat). I'm not in this server and I don't know who to contact directly.

 

[carac]

There's a "Recovery Chat Room". You could ask in the chat (or General chit-chat). I'm not in this server and I don't know who to contact directly.

ah thanks. I never really use the chat rooms here, just the forums

 

[sadwriter]

Hello everyone,

Question for the whole group...

We've seemed to put together a small, but resilient group of people not ready to ctb and fighting our way towards recovery and some sense of normalcy. I love these "daily" updates as it allows me to feel like I'm part of a group - and not an outsider. But at the same time, if there aren't any updates, I fallback into a feeling of lonely and isolated.

Would anyone be interested in "talking" in more real-time via Discord?

Hell yeah, a discord chat sounds great! I don't currently use discord a lot but that'll probably change if we end up having a chat on there.

 

[cardboard_house]

Hi everybody, just wanted to check in here and give you all a quick update. I'll talk more once I'm on my computer later today.

I've not been having a great past few days (a lot more than a few actually.) I ended up going to the psych ward, and have had multiple hospital visits since then. I at least have more meds now, and benzos to help with the anxiety attacks.

We ended up finding a stray kitten, and we found that she didn't belong to anybody, so we're keeping her. She's only 11-12 weeks old, and she's just a bundle of joy and energy.

I've personally been struggling a lot recently, and have been on the edge of giving up on recovery. Still going to try to fight this fight, but I'm tired. I've relapsed on my SH, and have been cutting nearly every day (except for the time I spent in the psych ward) for the past few weeks. I always feel the need to go deeper (luckily I'm still cutting pretty shallow so deeper is okay).

I honestly feel that I need to die, now less for my current suffering and more because of the nature of my life. I feel that it's unsustainable and causes suffering for others. So far, I'm hoping to at least survive until the new year to see how the meds work for me. I don't know if I'll be able to make it that long, but here's to hoping.

 

[HighFlight]

To gain access to the recovery Discord server, send a PM to one of the SaSu moderators and they should be able to invite you. There's a security process you'll need to follow once you join, but it's just to verify that you were invited through SaSu.