"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[BurgundySnap]

Hello,

Today was neutral, and nothing bad or good happened. I am grateful for it. That is all.

I'm wishing everyone well. It might be tough for a lot of us, and I'm sending well wishes to those who read this. Sometimes it is hard to get the energy or time to post here, so I'm glad that no one is forced to post regularly (It might become stressful if so!). Wherever we go and whatever we do in our futures, I hope we can all have better days and some comforts.

 

[lita-lassi]

actual update: this place is cathartic and has kept me level most of the day. ive found some motivation and encouragement to try some hobbies that have helped me in the past. thank you for keeping the "feel better" threads around, i really think they're a wonderful and needed part of this site and most of you are just as awesome

 

[UsagiDrop]

Yup, this is pretty much like having kids...

This gave me a chuckle. I realize this, and it's part of why I dislike our arrangement so much. It kind of feels like I was put in a position I've been trying to avoid at all costs. But the good news is that like with children, it springs my partner into action when I'm angry. That same day, when he woke up, I aired my grievances. It was hard, but I didn't blow up at him or anything, and a lot of cleaning was actually done without my involvement. I'll still have to do the deep stuff but with all the basics out of the way, that will be a ton easier.

Keeping up a house while having mental health issues can be so hard. At least we're all not alone in that department though.

I feel responsible for many of their issues.

I don't understand this feeling personally but I feel empathy for you when you say this. I imagine that being a parent is an indescribably difficult job, but also the most important one you take on. It might be easy to fall into the pit of lamenting what you did or didn't do in the past. As an adult kid, I'm trying really hard to see my mom now as a human being and not the superhuman I viewed her as growing up. There are things she definitely did wrong, things I definitely suffered for and because of. But I'm trying to recognize that she did all of what anyone else could do: her best. And it really wasn't all bad.

I guess I might be kind of a bad example because I'm struggling so much that I found myself here. But if my demons ever won, I wouldn't blame her for any of it despite the mistakes she made, I would thank her for giving me the life she thought was good for me because she never got it herself. I think your kids will have the same compassion for you. If they don't already have it, they'll figure it out soon. And in the meantime, you can only make up for the past by what you do in the present. Maybe your voice and opinion matters more now than it did when you couldn't speak up in the past.

The only good news is I'm planning another ketamine session October 6.

I hope this one goes better than the last! Fingers crossed for no bad trips.

If i can tell, i failed at CTB,and as i failed my mother disowned me the next day. Turns out a suicidal trans atheist autistic daughter was too much. But it was a good thing now that she is gone i found its easier to work on me free of her negative comments.

I'm very sorry to hear about your failed attempt. Coming back from one of those is never easy, so thank you for finding it in you to update us about your situation. I'm also really happy you felt safe enough to open up even a little bit!

It's sad that things had to happen this way. I'm sure it's preferable for your mother to stay in your life, but honestly, it's a lot better for the people who don't accept us to move out of the way and make room for all of the people who can come into our lives and fill us with all of the love and acceptance we could ever need and ask for, and then some. I agree with HighFlight and I hope that she just needed a break; parents, friends, family members, spouses and partners— all of the people on the other side of us are still humans and they're allowed to have their breaking points, and to choose who gets to stay in their life or not, no matter how unjust or unkind it can be. That's just the way it is. But if that day never comes, if she never opens her arms to you again, that will be okay too.

The cycle you're in sounds brutal and I often find myself thinking "what is the point?" a lot, too. I'm not very passionate about anything. I engage in my hobbies to pass time and have something to do so that I don't go out of my mind, but even that's a good reason to have them. So I want to encourage you to keep at your hobbies and to keep going toward your goals. It may take you into your mid or late twenties to get where you want to be, but so what? As long as you're making the decision to live, those years will roll by anyway, and imo you should be doing everything that your heart tells you to do. When those years pass, I don't think you'll care about how long it took you. On the contrary, you might be happy to have some progress to look back on!

In the end i just want to be a artistic happy girl.

I think that you already are an artistic girl. It's just that you aren't the artistic girl that you envision yet, and there is lots of time left to breathe life into her.

My mom's relationship with me has turned sour and I'm not really sure what to do. It hurts me a lot knowing that she doesn't want to change despite having expressed that sentiment before. I don't know if I should try reaching out to her or not.

It breaks my heart that this mom thing was sort of a theme last week. I'm really sorry to hear this, I can just imagine how much that hurts. You have a place here to vent if you ever need it.

I hope that she is just frustrated for now, too, and that she will realize a change is needed in whatever area it's needed in. As for if you should try reaching out, you should do what's best for you on your own time, when you're ready to do it. There's no rush to get back in contact with her if it's still touchy right now. But if that is going to be an action that will negatively impact your mental wellbeing, I hope that you will consider yourself first before anything else.

Beyond that, I'm happy to hear about the little bits of joy you've been able to find lately!

actual update: this place is cathartic and has kept me level most of the day. ive found some motivation and encouragement to try some hobbies that have helped me in the past.

You, this thread, scratch an itch I did not know I had. When I feel hopeless, I remember I can come here. When I cannot come here, I miss this place.

It's so nice to have a little group here with a mutual desire of wanting something better in life despite the circumstances that lead us to this website : )

I'm really happy that we all share the same sentiments in this little group of ours. It is really nice to have a community, even though it's not nice what we're all here for. Sometimes it's a little scary because at any time, anyone in our group can leave, me included, and I don't have a desire to do anything else but to accept that. But as long as we're here, it's nice to have the common goal of trying to make our time a little better and of helping each other as much as we can.

@lita-lassi I really hope that you keep at your hobbies, too! Encouragement is always here when you need it.

@BurgundySnap I want to let you know that community is always here when you need it, as well. It makes me happy that this place makes you feel a little less lonely and a lot more welcomed.

This post is already very long and my fingers hurt but there was a lot to catch up on. I haven't had a lot of energy these past few days, but I have been successful in waking up earlier. I pulled my cards today; they told me to find a little bit of joy in the day, that a transformation is coming. I immediately started to journal about how impossible it felt to find joy when I hate this job so much, and when I was about to go and put a shift in. I keep searching for a job (I will probably send some applications when I'm done typing, or before I go to bed) and it seems like there is no end in sight to this era of misery in my life, lol.

Well, my manager got in contact with me and told me that the boss of the company (I hate him the most) has seen me come late a few weeks ago and demanded that I be put back on probation or to cut back my hours. I suspect this either has something to do with the fact that he hits hard drugs on a Tuesday or he wants to make more time/an opening for the many new employees he hired with no place to put them. He's already scapegoating me, so I know that there's a possibility he will find a reason to fire me regardless of anything else. I'm not interested in being a slave for his cooperation that he uses to farm money and mistreat the vulnerable, so I'm not putting in any extra effort to avoid that. I'll just turn up the heat on my search and try harder, but I found a little bit of joy in the fact that I have one less day to work now. It's less money, but I can do more saving. It's not like they pay me properly anyway. I never got paid for the holidays I worked, and they screw up my hours and give me $100 less routinely. I hope this is the push toward something better.

Thank you guys for keeping this space alive for me to vent in and thank you x2 if you actually read this long wall of text that I'm scared to post lol.

 

[HighFlight]

@SolaceNight - Thank you for your post and kind words. (Rafiki was my favorite character in the original Lion King. )

It is interesting to see how many posts on this site include mention of the author's parents. Some good, but mostly negative. While I realize that there are a lot of people that have no business being a parent, there are also a lot that are trying their best but are only human.

Family is one of the major reasons that brought me to this site. Less about what they have or haven't done to me, but more about how I've failed them over the years.

Mom who I can't talk to because I can't deal with the fact that she's entrenched in views that I find selfish and hateful towards others. Children who are both struggling in their own way to transition from childhood into adults. A dad I was never able to forgive in life, but have learned more about his own issues after his death.

The conversation with my mom ended the same way they always do - me simple smiling and looking for a way out. So no damage to the relationship.

Groundhog Day has become a survival mechanism. Just doing the same thing ever day over and over means I don't have to deal with my own problems. I can recognize this, but haven't been able to change it.

Yes, ketamine is a treatment for depression and is used in two ways. First, as an drug that increases neuroplasticity in the brain. This is the major area where they are doing studies in on using it as a treatment and the FDA has approved an nasal spray.

The second way is as part of psychedelic psychotherapy. This is the way I'm using it - I get a trip and then talk to my therapist about finding meaning behind the visions and feelings. It's interesting, but my last trip has a little intense. If you're interested in knowing more, I've been using another thread to journal my experiences. Starting Ketamine Treatment

I must apologize for ending this post before I had a chance to get everything out. It's getting late. I know you all would probably say I have nothing to apologize for, but I realize that so many are contributing to our group and I want to properly welcome and acknowledge everyone.

Thank you to everyone who has helped to make our little group a safe, positive space to share our thoughts and feelings.

 

[HighFlight]

@UsagiDrop - Thank you for such a thorough reply. Covered so many of the topics I had read but hadn't had a chance to respond to.

I'm sorry to hear work is not going well for you. If you're comfortable, I'd curious to know what do you do for work, and where you are looking. Maybe we can give you some ideas to help.

For the whole group, what types of hobbies / passions do you have?

I'm pretty much married to work, but if a get time, energy and motivation, I enjoy learning new thing (especially STEAM related), woodworking, aviation, and helping others.

What about you?

 

[UsagiDrop]

If you're comfortable, I'd curious to know what do you do for work, and where you are looking. Maybe we can give you some ideas to help.

For now, I'm basically a caretaker. I don't hate the job itself, my manager is great and helping people that really need it can be fulfilling. The company itself makes me sick as hell, though. And in general, taking care of others comes at a price. Putting others before me is all I do, so in hindsight, I should have known taking on this job would have burned me out within a year.

As for what I'm looking for, nothing in particular. I don't really have a career path in mind anymore. I've been applying to anything in an office because I still have experience there, and a good reference. It also aligns with what I studied when I was in university so those kinds of jobs are more receptive to me. I should probably go back to school so that I have more of a future. I didn't think I'd make it this far tbh.

For the whole group, what types of hobbies / passions do you have?

Do you enjoy your job or are you married to it because you have to be? I think that your hobbies sound interesting, especially woodworking! I remember wanting to do that when I took a crafting class in HS but my teacher hesitated to give me the tools. Thinking back on it now, it could have definitely been because of my record and reputation lol but I ended up working with clay for that project instead. I think he made the right call.

What is STEAM, if you don't mind me asking? I searched it up and Google says its an alternate acronym for STEM, but I thought maybe it could stand for something else.

Recently I picked up gardening (I have collected seven houseplants since my parents visited in April, unfortunately one is dead but I suspect that it was doomed from the start) and oracle reading as hobbies. I'm very beginner level in both. I also like to write poetry, fiction and I guess nonfictional pieces as well. I want to get back into gaming, my computer has been out of commission since last year and really I miss The Sims.

 

[lita-lassi]

howdy folks, today was pretty decent :) i had a good appointment with my therapist first thing in the morning and then was able to nap for a long time since i was up most of the night. im eating healthy and trying to exercise a bit while doing some housework. even though im anxious about a lot all the time and i dont necessary feel "better", im clinging onto just not feeling worse. im sober, not stuck in a negative thought loop spiral-out, and cognitively intact. how was your day? what little victories did you accomplish? clean underpants? tooth brushing? breakfast? everything counts have a peaceful day

 

[HighFlight]

For now, I'm basically a caretaker. I don't hate the job itself, my manager is great and helping people that really need it can be fulfilling.

I'm not sure your location but there are numerous online sites where you can provide services (caregiver, or office, and wide range of other service) and get paid. This can provide some freedom from a direct employer. But I don't believe any of them provide benefits. But even part time, it can be a way to network, build experience and gain clients (aka future employers).

Also, office manager for a small company is another great way to get some experience. These types of jobs are usually found through word of mouth, so asking around can be helpful too. Regardless, good luck on your search.

Do you enjoy your job or are you married to it because you have to be?

5 years ago I would have said my job is my hobby. It allows me to work with new technologies and have a wide influence and impact. It was keeping me "sane". Since then, a lot has happened, and while I would like to get back there, I realize that may never happen.

What is STEAM, if you don't mind me asking? I searched it up and Google says its an alternate acronym for STEM

Google is correct. Science, Technology, Art, Engineering, and Math. I believe that art needs to be a part of what we create. We need the creative side. Before my slide, I used to mentor middle school kids in this and really enjoyed it. Now I don't think I could do it anymore.

Gardening, oracle reading, and poetry are all great hobbies, regardless of skill level. Funny you mention the Sims, it was recommended to me by one of the people in that chat group. What's wrong with your computer?

howdy folks, today was pretty decent :) i had a good appointment with my therapist first thing in the morning and then was able to nap for a long time since i was up most of the night. im eating healthy and trying to exercise a bit while doing some housework.

This is good news - all the positive things you're doing to take care of yourself. Glad you were even able to work in eating healthy, exercise and housework. I will have to try harder in these areas, as I am failing miserably at all three.

Best wished to everyone, and thank you for sharing your updates.

 

[UsagiDrop]

even though im anxious about a lot all the time and i dont necessary feel "better", im clinging onto just not feeling worse. im sober, not stuck in a negative thought loop spiral-out, and cognitively intact.

I think that this is the most important thing to work on. Feeling "better" takes a really long time, but focusing on not feeling any worse is something that we can do in the moment.

I'm really happy to read all of the positive updates you had today, thank you for checking in on us. If nobody has told you today, I'm proud of your progress! Is sobriety a goal for you, or are you just sober today?

I don't really have any updates. I did have some small victories today; I woke up before 2pm, and actually ate something before 11pm. I usually only eat one meal a day, if any, and it's almost always after I'm done with work. Somewhere along the line, I got into the mindset of food being "too good" for a day where I have to work. And that's probably just because this job has made me more miserable than any job I have ever had, haha, I just don't have an appetite when I know I have to come here. Today has not been bad to me though. I'm actually taking the news of my punishment a lot better than I thought I would and I'm truly looking forward to the reduced hours.

Thank you for the tips and for explaining the acronym to me, @HighFlight55

I believe that art needs to be a part of what we create.

I agree with this. I think art, in all its forms, is really integral to life. It's how we communicate and how we express ideas; it comes up in the most unexpected places, even in technology! I hate when people try to undermine its importance.

Funny you mention the Sims, it was recommended to me by one of the people in that chat group. What's wrong with your computer?

The Sims is a really fun game, if you enjoy playing God. A lot of people find it boring and I can see how it can be. It's one of those things where you have to create the fun, especially as the entries become more recent. When I'm going through a low period, it's a nice escape and a way to keep me busy.

One of the keys on my laptop stopped working a while ago, I think it was the up arrow key. I know it was something that I didn't really mind going without until it came to gaming, because I'm not a ASDW (or whatever the keys are) person. But then my partner tried to fix it one day, and the whole keyboard just stopped working. It's pretty old though so I just let it go, if I have to pay to fix that I would rather just upgrade the computer. I tend to use computers for years and years until I absolutely cannot turn them on anymore.

 

[lita-lassi]

I think that this is the most important thing to work on. Feeling "better" takes a really long time, but focusing on not feeling any worse is something that we can do in the moment.

I'm really happy to read all of the positive updates you had today, thank you for checking in on us. If nobody has told you today, I'm proud of your progress! Is sobriety a goal for you, or are you just sober today?

thank you! :) ive been tapering off thc and not using anything else for a while now including drinking. i was staying high as a kite for a while to mask some serious issues and get through a rough patch but it was time to return to being more functional and deal with the emotional tsunami id been tamping down. im finally about done with the withdrawals after several weeks of nausea, severe lethargy and weight loss. theres about 10 other substances around that are tempting as well; not touching them is hard when im feeling even relatively okay, its extra hard when im having a bad time. days that feel this stable are few and far in-between so it feels responsible for myself to write it down and remind future me (and maybe others) its possible. on rare occasion at night if im having a rough time ill take one hit of weed just to calm down enough to help get back to sleep. other than that and maybe the very sporadic "socializing special" i plan on staying sober for quite a while.

i hope you get the ability to play sims again lol it can be such a fun creativity outlet

 

[UsagiDrop]

i was staying high as a kite for a while to mask some serious issues and get through a rough patch but it was time to return to being more functional and deal with the emotional tsunami id been tamping down.

I can relate to this. Ever since I started the moving process I have been smoking and drinking a lot more heavily, I think I have gone very few days without doing either since last year. I think I said I would try to sober up earlier in this thread but it hasn't happened yet… I'm never super high or super drunk but I do feel like I need to alter my state of being to live. I'm not sure if I have an addiction to anything, because I don't experience the physical withdrawal symptoms, but I know that telling myself that is probably a cope. If I don't experience symptoms then, theoretically, it should be easy to just stop, but it's actually so hard. I think it's important for us to get adjusted to our "base levels" instead of trying to alter it, but I haven't gotten to that point yet— base me doesn't get much done, but the me after a shot and a joint can handle things so much better.

I also unfortunately do dabble in other substances socially, so I won't judge you for the temptation. I hope that they won't be too troublesome for you. I'm happy that you've started your journey to sobriety, and wish you the best of luck in everything, although I know for a fact that you absolutely can do it. Thank you for documenting your good days, I'm sure that it will be helpful to somebody else because it's definitely helpful to me!

 

[HighFlight]

It's pretty old though so I just let it go, if I have to pay to fix that I would rather just upgrade the computer. I tend to use computers for years and years until I absolutely cannot turn them on anymore.

Assuming this isn't a laptop, don't pay to fix the keyboard. If you want to buy yourself a little time, you can replace the keyboard cheaply.

i hope you get the ability to play sims again lol it can be such a fun creativity outlet

Apparently, I'm missing something. Maybe I need to try Sims. I was told v4 is the best one. would you agree?

ive been tapering off thc and not using anything else for a while now including drinking. i was staying high as a kite for a while to mask some serious issues and get through a rough patch but it was time to return to being more functional and deal with the emotional tsunami id been tamping down.

If I may ask, what brought you to the point where you decided to taper off the thc and other things? It's great that you are doing so well; breaking an addiction is very difficult and it sounds like you are doing awesome. I wish you all the best, and totally agree with @UsagiDrop , you absolutely can do this.

My son has been heavily self-medicating on thc, kratom and alcohol. I'd love it if he would taper off some or all of it, but I also know that a) it's not in my control, and b) his anxiety may get to the point he never leaves his room. I'm worried about him. Any advice?

My day: I literally did nothing today. My wife had a minor health scare, and we spent the entire day in the ER. She has some things she needs to follow-up on, but otherwise she's fine - home and sound asleep.

 

[lita-lassi]

im definitely not as verbose a typer as yall haha

If I may ask, what brought you to the point where you decided to taper off the thc and other things? It's great that you are doing so well; breaking an addiction is very difficult and it sounds like you are doing awesome. I wish you all the best, and totally agree with @UsagiDrop , you absolutely can do this.

My son has been heavily self-medicating on thc, kratom and alcohol. I'd love it if he would taper off some or all of it, but I also know that a) it's not in my control, and b) his anxiety may get to the point he never leaves his room. I'm worried about him. Any advice?

i was hurting my lungs and unable to really exercise, not getting anything done and eventually wasnt feeling high anymore, just normal and that feeling sucks. i enjoy long distance hiking and being active too much to let myself fall into a shape where i cant make it all day on foot. i like learning too much to spend a long time unable to retain new information. struggling to concentrate makes me feel extremely hopeless and my already nonexistentself esteem dips harder into the negatives. even if i dont want to live to be old, i dont want what remains of my time here to be worse than it already is, which means i need to be able to a lot of studying which i cant do high. i logic'd myself into knowing sobriety was better and doable and made it a hard point to recognize how much easier it got to read and retain new info

unfortunately i don't have much advice for others unless they're already wanting and ready to try sobriety for themselves. its a personal journey where everyones motivation is their own and not much others do will really change their minds. something else to latch onto that will provide satisfaction is about the only hope

today was good; i managed to pull it together enough to go hang out with someone i like outdoors and im going to be social with some of the few friends i have in this city a bit later. interaction with others is rare and hard but these are really lovely people i got lucky to become acquainted with. hope everyone had a not bad day and are able to hold onto the good moments for all theyre worth

 

[UsagiDrop]

Assuming this isn't a laptop, don't pay to fix the keyboard. If you want to buy yourself a little time, you can replace the keyboard cheaply.

It is a laptop! I could still get a cheap replacement though, but I don't really think it's worth it. Originally, I was really addicted to my computer anyway and decided a break would be good. So I'll just wait and save up, I do want to try building a computer with my partner in the future.

Maybe I need to try Sims. I was told v4 is the best one. would you agree?

It depends entirely on what you value in the game. Every version has something unique to offer. The original game is fun, but restrictive. Compared to later entries, it does not have a lot of features and it is pretty outdated. The Sims 2, I find, is for people who enjoy structured gameplay. The systems are complex, which makes interacting with the sims and the worlds really fun. A lot of thought went into it, and it's charmingly quirky. Keeping your sim healthy and happy is a little bit more of a challenge and it genuinely does become harder as you expand the family. The downside is that it is dated, and although it's still possible to play, I hear a lot of people run into glitches and problems that are just unfixable.

In contrast, The Sims 4 is a lot more open ended. It looks better, runs better, and is more intuitive, but there is no challenge at all. The sims themselves don't have meaningful wants and desires, so things can feel empty. As a player, you do a lot of the deciding of their fate it makes the sims feel like dolls. But that doesn't mean it's not fun! I really like this entry because of how it runs, I use mods to enhance gameplay. Good performance and visuals unfortunately came at the cost of gameplay features and this is a major point of contention within the community. Also… it's very cash-grabby. The base game is free to play now (I think?), but it's boring and lacks a lot. There's no weather cycles, no pets, no alternate life states, and less diversity in items for example. There's a criminal amount of DLC for this game.

The Sims 3 is my favorite because, imo, it hits the sweet spot between 2 and 4. There is still challenge and structure but also a lot of room for you to create your fun. Also, it has an open world! Which means that once you load in, there are no loading screens whatsoever. The world is alive around your sim, npcs move about and live their lives without your input. All of that comes at the price of performance though and this game can get really laggy really quickly. I think the fourth installment is the most beginner friendly.

Can you tell I've been very invested in this for a long time? lol

My wife had a minor health scare, and we spent the entire day in the ER.

This made my heart sink when I read it, it must have been at least a little scary and stressful to go through that with your wife. I'm really happy she's okay! I hope that today was a better day for both of you, and I also hope that they only continue to get better in this regard as you guys follow up on things.

im definitely not as verbose a typer as yall haha

Haha, that's okay! I honestly consider my long-windedness to be a curse especially in my writing. I always feel bad that you guys potentially read my long ass posts.

I'm happy that you had a good day today and that you got to socialize while enjoying the outdoors. That sounds both so positive and so peaceful. I hope that you have fun with your friends in the city too!

Not much to report here, I'm having a normal day other than my stomach hurting as much as it did. Today is my Friday, so I'm excited for the weekend.

 

[HighFlight]

i like learning too much to spend a long time unable to retain new information. struggling to concentrate makes me feel extremely hopeless and my already nonexistentself esteem dips harder into the negatives.

It's interesting to see that for all of our differences, there always seems to be some similarities that bind us together. While I don't know what it's like to work towards sobriety, your quote above could describe many of the feelings and struggles I'm going through. I'm glad you found your motivation and hope it continues to push you forward. Thank you so much for sharing.

unfortunately i don't have much advice for others unless they're already wanting and ready to try sobriety for themselves. its a personal journey where everyones motivation is their own

While I've known this to be true, I think I really need to hear it from someone else. It's still painful to watch, and I pray that someday he will find his motivation. I pray he finds it before he reaches a point of no return.

today was good; i managed to pull it together enough to go hang out with someone i like outdoors and im going to be social with some of the few friends i have in this city a bit later. interaction with others is rare and hard but these are really lovely people i got lucky to become acquainted with.

I'm really glad you had a good day and we're able to get outside and socialize with some friends. Hopefully, you can have more days like today.

My day was OK - not good, but not bad either. Just one more day passing me by.

Wishing everyone a peaceful night, and a not-bad day tomorrow.

 

[HighFlight]

So I'll just wait and save up, I do want to try building a computer with my partner in the future.

The techno-geek in me says this it the way to go. I build my own a few years ago and have been thinking about what I want to upgrade. (Or if I want to keep it and build a new one.) I also want to build a Raspberry Pi web server and home dashboard. So many ideas, so little motivation.

The Sims 3 is my favorite because, imo, it hits the sweet spot between 2 and 4.

I've never been a gamer, but have played with some of the kids. But it sounds like maybe I should invest some time and check out the Sims. Besides time and motivation, my biggest problem with video games is they no longer make money selling the game itself. It's all the add-on that you technically don't need, but really, really want. I'll let you know when I run into trouble and need your guidance.

This made my heart sink when I read it, it must have been at least a little scary and stressful to go through that with your wife. I'm really happy she's okay

Thank you for your thoughts. It was a long day. I won't say it wasn't scary or stressful, cause no one wants to hear their doctor tell them to go to the ER for a heart problem. But we knew going in it was probably nothing. She took the day off and binge watched something on Netflix.

I always feel bad that you guys potentially read my long ass posts.

Please don't feel bad for your long posts. I meant it when I said you have a way with words. IMHO, your posts do a great job of supporting us and sharing your thoughts and feelings. We're happy you're here with us.

Well, it's turned to my Friday while I was writing this. One more workday before the weekend for me. Here's to just another day...

 

[BurgundySnap]

I am typing this on a phone! This is difficult! However, I've learned how to separate others' posts to reply!

im definitely not as verbose a typer as yall haha

It is alright, @lita-lassi ! As long as we get out what we feel we can, any way of typing is fine to any extent.

today was good; i managed to pull it together enough to go hang out with someone i like outdoors and im going to be social with some of the few friends i have in this city a bit later. interaction with others is rare and hard but these are really lovely people i got lucky to become acquainted with. hope everyone had a not bad day and are able to hold onto the good moments for all theyre worth

I'm glad for this! Interaction does seem difficult, I hope it went and goes well for the future. You really are lucky to have met such nice people, wishing only the best for you!

My day: I literally did nothing today. My wife had a minor health scare, and we spent the entire day in the ER. She has some things she needs to follow-up on, but otherwise she's fine - home and sound asleep.

I do still hope things are going well for you and your wife, HighFlight55. It is scary going to the ER! Health scares, minor or not, are terrifying things. May things remain fine for your wife.

In contrast, The Sims 4 is a lot more open ended. It looks better, runs better, and is more intuitive, but there is no challenge at all. The sims themselves don't have meaningful wants and desires, so things can feel empty. As a player, you do a lot of the deciding of their fate it makes the sims feel like dolls. But that doesn't mean it's not fun! I really like this entry because of how it runs, I use mods to enhance gameplay. Good performance and visuals unfortunately came at the cost of gameplay features and this is a major point of contention within the community. Also… it's very cash-grabby. The base game is free to play now (I think?), but it's boring and lacks a lot. There's no weather cycles, no pets, no alternate life states, and less diversity in items for example. There's a criminal amount of DLC for this game.

The Sims 3 is my favorite because, imo, it hits the sweet spot between 2 and 4. There is still challenge and structure but also a lot of room for you to create your fun. Also, it has an open world! Which means that once you load in, there are no loading screens whatsoever. The world is alive around your sim, npcs move about and live their lives without your input. All of that comes at the price of performance though and this game can get really laggy really quickly. I think the fourth installment is the most beginner friendly.

Can you tell I've been very invested in this for a long time? lol

Ah, The Sims is such an interesting series. My father use to play it on our old, shared computer in the family area before we were able to get our own computers.
My friend loves The Sims 4, and we were once comparing the versions so I can attest to a lot of the things you have mentioned! (Is that right?) The characters are much more dynamic in creation, and they feel a lot like dress-up dolls to mold into characters you like.
She uses so many mods that her game lags, and there are so many things created by people who love games like The Sims! I agree that 4 appears to be most beginner-friendly.

Haha, that's okay! I honestly consider my long-windedness to be a curse especially in my writing. I always feel bad that you guys potentially read my long ass posts.

I read your posts! Please, it is not a curse whatsoever! I can appreciate it when people type out what they might feel, rather than condensing it to possibly miss some nuance or small meaning they could have. Basically, what I'm trying to say is please don't worry about making long posts.

Not much to report here, I'm having a normal day other than my stomach hurting as much as it did. Today is my Friday, so I'm excited for the weekend.

Sorry to hear about stomach hurting, UsagiDrop. I hope you are able to find a bit of rest perhaps this weekend?

You as well, HighFlight55. I hope the weekend is good when it comes!

I'm...hanging in there. I am dealing with "Huntington's fatigue", which is like a constant no energy. I can't really focus on anything at all. Words don't make sense.
As for hobbies topic earlier, I love drawing and I think it's fun! The hobbies I have heard from others so far seem really fun, they are also fun to look into online to pass time, if it is respectful to say!

I hope we can all continue on, and that good things can last. Best wishes, all of us!

Take care

 

[sadwriter]

Hey, all. I'm back once again.

For today's check in, I have to say that I'm not really sure how I feel anymore. It's been an overwhelming few days. Earlier this week I told my friend that I'd been considering CTB and they reached out to my therapist using her contact info found online and my therapist ended up contacting my dad. I had a lot of mixed emotions about this whole thing: partly grateful that my friend cares about me enough to take the initiative to research my therapist online and reach out to her, partly angry and overwhelmed that this had all blown up in my face and I'd gone from being suicidal in isolation but relatively peaceful about it to now feeling completely bombarded and suffocated by the people in my life (even though I know they care about me and are trying to help). I always knew that telling someone that I was serious in considering CTB would mean game over for my regular level of autonomy, so this was to be expected.

Though a loved one made me get rid of my SN while on a video call, that night I dissolved what was left in the bottle (probably about 1g) and drank that even though I knew it probably wouldn't do anything. I ended up feeling some of the side effects listed on this forum, then ended up in a lot of pain for a bit– which makes sense considering I didn't follow the procedure correctly, ie, used too low of a concentration of SN and didn't completely fast for 8 hours– and had to throw up a few times. I woke up with a horrible headache in the morning and threw up a few more times, but I'm perfectly fine now, at least physically speaking.

I don't want to include too many more details in case someone in my life connects this account to me (hell, there are already enough details for the people involved in this story to do so) but things feel so much worse than they did before. This feels very much like an echo of other times in the past when my mental health was really bad and people tried to intervene and the reminder just makes me feel absolutely horrible and like my autonomy is gone (even though I have way more leeway than most suicidal people could hope for, considering that nobody sent me to the psych ward) and like I'm failing. I'm back and forth now between CTB and sticking around. I'm writing notes to the people I care about and collecting mailing addresses so I can have a stack of envelopes to be mailed out by my family or whoever finds my body in the event that I do carry through with it. I have a date in mind in the near future that would be symbolic to my family, so I might do it then, but I also keep thinking about my novella and getting really sad. If I die then my character and my story will die with me, which breaks my heart. At this point that's the only thing that's really keeping me here.

Thank you to whoever read this very long post and sorry that it is this long. I know that this could have been its own recovery section thread, but I wanted to say it all here since this has become a place that I feel safe sharing in.

Given that this post is already very long, I'm gonna double post to reply to some of the stuff I've missed recently. It's nice to see that some new members have joined. I hope everyone has the best day possible today.

 

[HighFlight]

@sadwriter - it sounds like so much has happened over the past few days. I'm sorry you've had to endure through all that, but selfishly happy that you're still with us. After reading your post, there's so much running through my mind, from the relationship with your friend and dad, to the family members trying to help, to your unfinished novella, and everything in between. But I can't know what you are really going through - physically, mentally or emotionally. So no unsolicited advice...

Please know that we are here for you with love and support. I truly hope you can find some peace in the middle of all of this. If you need someone to talk to or offer a different perspective, please don't hesitate to reach out via this thread or PM. Wishing you all the best, wherever your journey takes you.

 

[UsagiDrop]

So many ideas, so little motivation.

With so many other things going on in your life, I think it's okay to have run low on motivation. I hope that you find it again one day, and that you can bring all of your cool ideas into reality!

IMHO, your posts do a great job of supporting us and sharing your thoughts and feelings. We're happy you're here with us.

Basically, what I'm trying to say is please don't worry about making long posts.

Thank you guys, reading these comments meant a lot. I'm happy to know I'm not holding anyone hostage with all of my thoughts, haha.

I am typing this on a phone! This is difficult!

I know the feel, I am always typing on my phone. One wrong backspace and the entire post can be ruined.

My father use to play it on our old, shared computer in the family area before we were able to get our own computers.

I just wanna say that this is so wholesome. I was definitely the person that was always playing the sims in my household, but they refused to let me get a game on our shared computer. Back in those days, as much as I wanted to play the sims, I was way too young anyway. I had to wait until I got a laptop, and even then, I had to beg, lol. I'm so glad that I got into it when I did, though.

Sorry to hear about stomach hurting, UsagiDrop. I hope you are able to find a bit of rest perhaps this weekend?

It's not your fault, but thank you. I did get some rest. My stomach hurt that day because I literally keep drinking. I told myself that I would take a break… and then bought more beer yesterday.

I'm really going to commit to stopping this. I already asked people to hold me accountable to that for at least one month- Sober October ftw!

Oh, and it's really cool that you draw! I've been on an art kick for the past year or so, but I've always really admired artists. I hope that you continue to enjoy your hobby and continue to create when you feel like it, even when things aren't so great.

I'm...hanging in there. I am dealing with "Huntington's fatigue", which is like a constant no energy. I can't really focus on anything at all. Words don't make sense.

I'm very sorry that you're dealing with this. It honestly sounds really disorienting. Thank you for checking in with us despite all of that, I hope that you're feeling better today and that you've been able to get some rest.

It's been an overwhelming few days.

It definitely sounds very overwhelming. I'm so sorry that you went through something like that over the past few days. Honestly, all of that sounds traumatic. I don't think people realize how smothering someone suicidal can further traumatize and hurt them. I understand that our loved ones just don't know how to react in any other way, they are desperately trying to communicate to us that they are hurt and they do, in fact, care. But, yes, it does infantilize us in certain ways and it strips us of what we tend to value most; our autonomy and our choices. Not to mention, this is a violation of your trust in two people, even if it was done with the best of intentions. I understand being conflicted, because on one hand it's nice to know how much your loved ones want to hold onto you, but on the other, the hug really hurts. I wish that you didn't have to go through this.

I also won't give you any unsolicited advice, but I am glad that you haven't been put into an facility or anything. I wouldn't even know how I would handle it if I were in your shoes right now. Thank you for having the strength to check in on us and for being honest about how you feel. You're definitely safe with us, always!

but I also keep thinking about my novella and getting really sad. If I die then my character and my story will die with me, which breaks my heart. At this point that's the only thing that's really keeping me here.

It's okay if this is the only thing that you can hold onto. I hope that you will have better days next week.

 

[sadwriter]

Thank you both so much. Hearing from you really means a lot to me, and I'm glad that I have this place to go to during this time. I couldn't tell anyone in my real life about my half-assed CTB attempt the other day because I knew it would only make things worse for me, so I was glad to not have to hold that weight all on my own.

I'm feeling a bit better today. Last night I told my dad about a really difficult part of my past that he didn't know about before (he's currently staying at my place) and it felt really good to have my pain validated and hear him recognize how hard it is to deal with what I've gone through (and also good to have a nice cathartic sob session). I still don't know how I'm going to keep getting up and being alive for the next however many days and weeks and potentially months in the event that I don't CTB, but I promised my dad last night that I wouldn't hurt myself so at this point I won't be CTB'ing on my chosen date because I want to uphold that promise. I'd also hate for you all to have to read my hypothetical goodbye thread, honestly, so thankfully I won't be posting one of those for the time being.

I went through the thread yesterday and caught up on some stuff that I missed. Honestly, taking the time to catch up on everyone else's updates and reply to you all made me feel a nice sense of calm. Anyway, here's what I have to say in response to some of the stuff that I missed:

@LoiteringClouds kudos to you for keeping up your vow of exercising daily. 14 consecutive days is no joke! And I'm with you regarding tending to do things in short, intense bursts. Habits are indeed, however, a marathon & not a sprint. I hope all is well with you since you last posted!

@SolaceNight welcome to the thread, and I'm so sorry about your recent CTB attempt and the abuse that you've had to deal with from your mom. I don't know where you are in the world, but I know how hard it is to be a trans woman in my country right now given all of the completely fucked up legislation that's being passed. I wish you the very best for your safety and happiness as you begin to live as your most authentic self, and hope that your transition will bring you at least some peace, even if it feels like you still have a long way to go. I also know how hard it is to have a parent's harmful words become internalized until you take them on as your own thoughts. I hope that you're able to find a way to be kind to yourself despite this.

@cardboard_house I'm sorry to hear about Oreo's passing, but I definitely agree that your vow is a very sweet way to honor her. Hopefully over time you'll find your own motivation to keep yourself alive like you said, but this sounds like a great way to keep you going in the meantime. I also admire the fact that you're looking to study physics in college. I've always had trouble with the subject, so anyone looking to pursue that as their major is a force to be reckoned with in my view!

@lita-lassi I don't know how new your are to this thread, but I do know that I haven't seen you around since I stopped posting as much, so welcome! The "majestic dumpster garden" photo is fucking awesome, and it's great that you were able to go out and be social the other day.

@HighFlight55 I'm sorry to hear about your mistake in the discord chat. I hope I'm not opening up an old wound by bringing this up, but I wanted to comment since I didn't get the chance to before. While you say that perception is more important than the truth, impact is perhaps the most important thing of all; based on what you said about everyone forgetting about it pretty quickly, it sounds like the impact of the mistake/ the potential harm caused was minor. I say this not to minimize your feelings, but to remind you to give yourself a break. It's very easy for well meaning men in particular to have their good intentions come off the wrong way when interacting with younger people because of those out there who truly are predatory, and you definitely deserve to give yourself some grace. Echoing what UsagiDrop said, you have certainly never come off as creepy to me (I'm in my 20s and not a kid, but still,), and SolaceNight's "wise old man" image is definitely more of an accurate depiction of your presence (your profile picture definitely gives off that vibe!).

I'm also glad to hear that your wife is alright, and I hope that she continues to feel better. And I'll finish off by saying that I really love STEAM– it's very much relevant to what I'm studying in college– and it made me excited to hear that you used to mentor school kids in it!

@UsagiDrop I wish you the best of luck with dealing with what you realized might be an alcohol problem (sober October ftw indeed!). I've been drawn to it myself during bad times as a coping mechanism, so I know how helpful it can be in numbing out pain and otherwise, even if it's not the healthiest of coping mechanisms. It also really sucks that your partner isn't pulling their weight with keeping the apartment clean. It sounds like you're giving a whole lot to that relationship, from moving away from your loved ones for them to this cleaning situation, and it's unfair that he isn't doing the same (unfair being an understatement, but it's the only word I have at the moment). I'm sorry that you're in such a rotten situation between your partner and your job, and I hope that you'll be able to find a better place to work soon.

@BurgandySnap I hope your Huntington's fatigue is better today and that you're taking good care of yourself. And that's awesome to hear that this website and thread are such a source of comfort for you. I definitely feel similarly. It's really nice to know that we have this little circle of support go to go and mutually help each other out.

That's all from me. I hope you enjoyed my second giant wall of text.

 

[lita-lassi]

hey guys, yall are beautiful glad to read your updates and know we're still trying. i went to a giant party the other night and i just gotta remind everyone: there's always something new and crazy to experience that will rearrange your mental walls in great ways. be bold and try new pathways - especially the scary hard sounding ones. im still struggling with being more sober really hard; i let myself have a little fun for the party since it's rare i go to such fun events, which wasn't a problem as i had no issue with self control in the environmemt and good mood i was in. the stressful living situation im stuck in kind of ruins what comfort i can find outside and made me really want to drink last night. man, idk how i put the bottle away without opening it while upset and panicking like i was but i did it :) im counting that as my minor (possibly major) victory for a few days and coasting through what i can off knowing i have at least some inner strength. everything counts. i hope everyone has their own victory today

pardon me not replying individually, love you and hope things get tolerable for all

 

[HighFlight]

the stressful living situation im stuck in kind of ruins what comfort i can find outside and made me really want to drink last night. man, idk how i put the bottle away without opening it while upset and panicking like i was but i did it :) im counting that as my minor (possibly major) victory

Sounds like a major victory to me! Congrats in finding the strength and courage that so many others cannot. I'm also glad you gave yourself a break and enjoyed the party.

 

[BurgundySnap]

Hey, all. I'm back once again.

For today's check in, I have to say that I'm not really sure how I feel anymore. It's been an overwhelming few days. Earlier this week I told my friend that I'd been considering CTB and they reached out to my therapist using her contact info found online and my therapist ended up contacting my dad. I had a lot of mixed emotions about this whole thing: partly grateful that my friend cares about me enough to take the initiative to research my therapist online and reach out to her, partly angry and overwhelmed that this had all blown up in my face and I'd gone from being suicidal in isolation but relatively peaceful about it to now feeling completely bombarded and suffocated by the people in my life (even though I know they care about me and are trying to help). I always knew that telling someone that I was serious in considering CTB would mean game over for my regular level of autonomy, so this was to be expected.

Though a loved one made me get rid of my SN while on a video call, that night I dissolved what was left in the bottle (probably about 1g) and drank that even though I knew it probably wouldn't do anything. I ended up feeling some of the side effects listed on this forum, then ended up in a lot of pain for a bit– which makes sense considering I didn't follow the procedure correctly, ie, used too low of a concentration of SN and didn't completely fast for 8 hours– and had to throw up a few times. I woke up with a horrible headache in the morning and threw up a few more times, but I'm perfectly fine now, at least physically speaking.

I don't want to include too many more details in case someone in my life connects this account to me (hell, there are already enough details for the people involved in this story to do so) but things feel so much worse than they did before. This feels very much like an echo of other times in the past when my mental health was really bad and people tried to intervene and the reminder just makes me feel absolutely horrible and like my autonomy is gone (even though I have way more leeway than most suicidal people could hope for, considering that nobody sent me to the psych ward) and like I'm failing. I'm back and forth now between CTB and sticking around. I'm writing notes to the people I care about and collecting mailing addresses so I can have a stack of envelopes to be mailed out by my family or whoever finds my body in the event that I do carry through with it. I have a date in mind in the near future that would be symbolic to my family, so I might do it then, but I also keep thinking about my novella and getting really sad. If I die then my character and my story will die with me, which breaks my heart. At this point that's the only thing that's really keeping me here.

Thank you to whoever read this very long post and sorry that it is this long. I know that this could have been its own recovery section thread, but I wanted to say it all here since this has become a place that I feel safe sharing in.

Given that this post is already very long, I'm gonna double post to reply to some of the stuff I've missed recently. It's nice to see that some new members have joined. I hope everyone has the best day possible today.

Hello @sadwriter , glad to see you again!

A lot has happened, it really does seem overwhelming! There are some complex things here, and I'm glad if you felt able to talk about it here with us. It is good that, at least physically, you are fine.

To hear about the line you are back-and-forth between regarding CTB, it is honestly understandable that you feel horrible. Autonomy is such an important thing. I think a novella sounds really nice, and not a bad reason to keep going at all.

It's no problem at all making a long post, sadwriter. Write what you want, however you want or have to! I hope things can at all improve for you.

 

[sadwriter]

Hey all, I hope everyone's day is going alright.

Today was another hard day for me. On top of being depressed, I had some of the worst anxiety that I think I've ever felt– not sure if it counted as a panic attack, but I felt pretty much completely outside of my body, dizzy as hell, and like the world was ending. I continued working on my CTB notes, which was weirdly therapeutic, since it involved telling the people in my life how much they mean to me. That being said, I'm now leaning towards aborting my plan to CTB this weekend and getting back on the finding-a-way-to-make-life-feel-not-terrible-anymore bandwagon. It feels impossible to dig myself out of this hole right now, but I'll take it one day at a time.

Here's to team recovery!

 

[LoiteringClouds]

Hello friends,

I'm so sorry for disappearing from this thread for a while.
My lame excuse would be that I've been so busy working out at the gym every day. I spend 2-3 hours there, and exercise 100 minutes on average. And I go home, do chores and sleep like a log, so I think I'm doing very well - I've beaten sleepless nights.

@LoiteringClouds kudos to you for keeping up your vow of exercising daily. 14 consecutive days is no joke! And I'm with you regarding tending to do things in short, intense bursts. Habits are indeed, however, a marathon & not a sprint. I hope all is well with you since you last posted!

Thanks so much for remembering me
Yesterday I marked the 29th consecutive day at the gym.

I jogged every day and my endurance improved a lot - I couldn't run more than a mile before, but now I do two miles when I'm in good condition, and 1.2 miles even on a bad day.
I started to do an elliptical workout before going to work, in order to improve my focus.
I also do strength training. More muscle means more metabolism, and it will be easier to lose weight.

The gym became a refuge from this cruel world. I still have a problem at work and want to die, but I feel like I'm actually improving my life during daily workout. And I enjoy it - it greatly reduces my helplessness.
I also want more muscular looks, and it takes years... So I'm going to work out as long as I'm alive and healthy.

I've exercised almost for a month, but I don't think it's my sheer willpower.
My body is definitely a gift - I'm deeply grateful for being able to exercise there's many people who can't because of their conditions, including physical and mental ones.

I'm so sorry that some of us are struggling, and I cannot reply to you all, but I wish each of you the best

 

[HighFlight]

Yesterday I marked the 29th consecutive day at the gym

Thanks for checking in and congratulations on your workout routine. Seems like you're well on your way to making this a habit. Then you can start looking at ways to improve other aspects of your life. I'm really happy for you. :)

 

[UsagiDrop]

I promised my dad last night that I wouldn't hurt myself so at this point I won't be CTB'ing on my chosen date because I want to uphold that promise. I'd also hate for you all to have to read my hypothetical goodbye thread, honestly, so thankfully I won't be posting one of those for the time being.

I can only imagine how cathartic this experience was. Being validated by a parent is seriously no joke. And it makes me really happy that your dad really cares about you and wants to understand you. It's wonderful that you have someone like that in your corner. And honestly, although I would have respected your choice, it would have made me really sad to read a hypothetical goodbye thread from you! I'm thankful that we get to have you around for a while longer.

I want to remind you that while you may have had a step back, you're still doing well in your journey to recovery. Every time you choose to live, that's growth and progress toward your goals. The process is never linear, we will all have our ups and downs, but as long as we don't give up then we should be on the right path.

It sounds like you're giving a whole lot to that relationship, from moving away from your loved ones for them to this cleaning situation, and it's unfair that he isn't doing the same (unfair being an understatement, but it's the only word I have at the moment). I'm sorry that you're in such a rotten situation between your partner and your job, and I hope that you'll be able to find a better place to work soon.

Thank you for this. I do hope I can find a better job soon, too. As for the relationship, I did and do give a lot, I think. But all of the complaining, in this instance, comes from my perspective. My partner has sacrificed as well, and in some ways he's suffering too. I also depend on him for many things now. A lot of stuff is driving me crazy but I think the move has been hard on both of us and to be fair to him, I don't think dealing with me is any easier. I mean, I want to die, and he knows about that very intimately, and he's trying to keep me alive, so I don't wanna paint him as a villain or anything.

He could clean more though, lol. We'll just work on that. Sometimes I wish I could go hypomanic on a whim or something so I could just get all the cleaning done at once.

It feels impossible to dig myself out of this hole right now, but I'll take it one day at a time.

All we can do is take it one step at a time. Some days it will feel like you can see a way out of that hole, and then time will pass, and things will crumble around you, and you won't see a way out again. I think that's okay, as long as we keep digging, finding new ways to get out, one day at a time.

man, idk how i put the bottle away without opening it while upset and panicking like i was but i did it :)

I think this is actually a major victory! You were faced with a stressful situation and you decided not to indulge in your vices, that is a huge step. Congratulations in your progress, and thank you for checking in and sharing it with us!

Yesterday I marked the 29th consecutive day at the gym.

Congratulations! This is also a significant milestone, in my eyes. By the time you read this, you'll probably be a month into your streak. That's awesome!

The gym became a refuge from this cruel world. I still have a problem at work and want to die, but I feel like I'm actually improving my life during daily workout. And I enjoy it - it greatly reduces my helplessness.

This is really great to hear, and I hope that you can keep to your goals while enjoying the results. You're doing an amazing job, and it's great that you've found something that helps despite the adversities of life. I'm sorry to hear about the problem at work and how it's making you feel, but I hope that things don't get any worse there.

I was looking at the one plant I had that I thought was dead. Somehow, after not being watered for months, there are bright green baby leaves still growing… That's a little weird, but I'm gonna take the handout. I'll have to buy some supplies this weekend, but I'll try to take care of it and bring it back to life. That's the only update that I really have, and at least it's kind of a good one. Life finds a really weird way of persevering sometimes, even in the worst of conditions. Isn't it kinda funny how that works?

I hope that everyone can have a good week this week!

 

[HighFlight]

That being said, I'm now leaning towards aborting my plan to CTB this weekend and getting back on the finding-a-way-to-make-life-feel-not-terrible-anymore bandwagon. It feels impossible to dig myself out of this hole right now, but I'll take it one day at a time.

Life is full of challenges, some that pull us down and others that lift us up. You may feel like you're in a hole right now, but keep if you keep digging, you may eventually see that the hole was really a tunnel to something new, and hopefully exciting. It's great that you have the love and support from your dad. And selfishly, I'm glad I don't have to read another goodbye thread and I'm happy you'll be with us for a little longer.

As for the relationship, I did and do give a lot, I think. But all of the complaining, in this instance, comes from my perspective. My partner has sacrificed as well, and in some ways he's suffering too. I also depend on him for many things now.

It's really good that you see this as a two-way relationship. I'm probably not the best to give advice in this area, but communication is the glue that holds things together. Hopefully, you and your partner already communicate well, and you can tell him about how the cleaning makes you feel. Conversely, they should be able to tell you when things aren't going well.

As a person who is unable to communicate my own feelings, I understand just how critical this can be. It's a major reason why my wife and I have grown apart.

Life finds a really weird way of persevering sometimes, even in the worst of conditions. Isn't it kinda funny how that works?

I think we might have found our group's slogan. The universe might be trying to send you a sign.

For me, life continues with no real changes. I'm not sure therapy is working, but have another ketamine session set for Friday. I might have a better update later this week.

Best wished to all.

 

[sadwriter]

My lame excuse would be that I've been so busy working out at the gym every day. I spend 2-3 hours there, and exercise 100 minutes on average. And I go home, do chores and sleep like a log, so I think I'm doing very well - I've beaten sleepless nights.

No need to be sorry, and that's not a lame excuse at all– it's great that you've found solace in exercise and impressive that you've managed to keep it up for so long! I do hope that you're listening to your body and not overdoing it, since it sounds like you're really going hard, but it's awesome that you're able to exercise so much and that you're feeling better because of it.

Thank you for this. I do hope I can find a better job soon, too. As for the relationship, I did and do give a lot, I think. But all of the complaining, in this instance, comes from my perspective. My partner has sacrificed as well, and in some ways he's suffering too. I also depend on him for many things now. A lot of stuff is driving me crazy but I think the move has been hard on both of us and to be fair to him, I don't think dealing with me is any easier. I mean, I want to die, and he knows about that very intimately, and he's trying to keep me alive, so I don't wanna paint him as a villain or anything.

He could clean more though, lol. We'll just work on that. Sometimes I wish I could go hypomanic on a whim or something so I could just get all the cleaning done at once.

Glad to hear that your partner is supportive and isn't quite as bad as I thought based on the anecdotes I'd put together. I do hope that you're able to resolve the cleaning situation, though. I'll admit that I've been the messier one in most of the shared living situations that I've been a part of thus far, and I know that we messy co-inhabitants can be a real pain in the ass.


As for my update, today has been a little better for me. I spent a couple hours in bed midday but I'm slowly regaining my will to live and beginning to wrap my head around what needs to be done for me to move forward with my life. I'm currently staying with my parents a couple of states away from where I live until I'm ready to get back on my feet, and it's been nice to spend time with my dad. I live alone, which is both a blessing and a curse, since it means that I can easily go days without seeing another human being when I'm at my worst and self-isolating. I also just moved a few months ago and have been in my most recent horrible depressive/ dissociative state since pretty much the day I left my old place, so I don't exactly have joyous associations with my home environment, as nice as it is for a studio apartment, and the process of settling in has been hard.