"I'd like to feel a bit better/ I'd like to recover" Support Group Megathread

[wheretfami]

I wish it were that way, honestly

1. If it were easier to CTB, I wouldn't be here in the first place

2. That 0.9 % of me that doesn't wanna give up wants to give it another shot

3. I don't wanna die. I really don't wanna die.
It's just that my situation is so bad that I cannot see another way out besides CTB-ing.

But maybe I'm blind right now. Maybe I can't see the way out that doesn't involve CTB-ing.

I think the other ones that wrote here are in a similar situation.

I'm not encouraging life dude. I hate it.

I just don't wanna give up. Not yet. Albeit I think of just slitting my throat and ending it several times a day.

So trust me, I wish I had that kinda life that would allow me to be a pro-lifer…

I believe it's wise to exhaust all other options before deciding upon CTB. This would be a good idea. It's simply one more option. :) I'm definitely not a pro-lifer either, it just seems practical to try all options, if you have them. CBT just is an option too.

 

[HighFlight]

@wheretfami - welcome to a Recovery Support Group. Don't worry, you didn't sign up for anything. A bunch of us have been using this thread as a place to post updates on how we're doing, and respond to others in a supportive way. Like you, we are pro-choice but are currently trying other options than ctb.

You are welcome to join us, but like other choices, it's yours to make. Hope we hear from you.

 

[Night_Crew]

I'm feeling especially low at the moment and have for a few days. I'm tired of feeling bad in my dreams and when awake. Does anyone have any suggestions for things that help them feel moments of happiness rather than solely to pass time? I'm open to any suggestions.

 

[BurgundySnap]

I'm feeling especially low at the moment and have for a few days. I'm tired of feeling bad in my dreams and when awake. Does anyone have any suggestions for things that help them feel moments of happiness rather than solely to pass time? I'm open to any suggestions.

Hello Night_Crew,

Feeling low doesn't feel good at all, I'm really sorry this has been happening.

Sometimes what helps me feel anything at all is scribbling while not making anything pretty, watching deep dive videos of media I know nothing about, and letting music on YouTube autoplay. Sometimes talking here and listening to others makes the bad things go away for a while too, if it could at all be applicable to you.
These things bring me a little bit of happiness feeling because they're small things that don't have bad consequences.
I don't know if any of them might help at all, Night_Crew. If they don't, I really hope you can find something.

Take care

 

[sadwriter]

I'm feeling especially low at the moment and have for a few days. I'm tired of feeling bad in my dreams and when awake. Does anyone have any suggestions for things that help them feel moments of happiness rather than solely to pass time? I'm open to any suggestions.

I've been struggling with this myself and wish that I had a good answer. But jumping off of what @BurgundySnap said above, I do think that interacting with some kind of art– whether that be music, poetry, film, the visual arts or otherwise– can be helpful for myself at least, whether it be consuming art or making it. Listening to music can be a really good way to feel something, and hopefully something good. Also, I've been repeatedly told that getting out in nature and getting some exercise helps make your mood better, though I often ignore this advice myself unfortunately.

Also, welcome to the thread! I hope that you're able to feel a bit better soon.


And for today's check in... it's been another day of on & off emotionally dying inside (and not attempting trying to identify said emotions because I've been too busy trying to block them out & dissociate. Totally excellent coping mechanism & not at all a manipulative return to my old ways!). I spent some more time lying in bed and beating myself up for having these strong emotions and seeing the act of having strong negative emotions as a personal failing, even though it's not like I choose to have them, nor have I done anything even minimally harmful whatsoever as a result of them today. I definitely need to remind myself of my vow to be kinder to myself. It gets hard sometimes with the whole the whole cycle of feeling shitty–> beating myself up for feeling shitty–> feeling even worse.

I'm also remembering the fact that I never really learned how to be hard working & motivated & push myself while also not beating myself up & tying my self worth to my output. I used to be able to take my feelings of anger & anxiety and channel them through outlets like exercise or making art or studying hard, but now they just paralyze me instead. It's like I have all this emotional inertia that went from preventing me from standing still to preventing me from moving.

The one really good thing is that I got an email letting me know that this literary journal that I got accepted to a little while back is getting published soon. The acceptance was a major accomplishment for me as a writer, since the journal mostly publishes people who are much further along in their careers than I am, and I'm looking forward to receiving my copy of the book.


I hope everyone is having a good day.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I'm probably not the best to give advice in this area, but communication is the glue that holds things together. Hopefully, you and your partner already communicate well, and you can tell him about how the cleaning makes you feel. Conversely, they should be able to tell you when things aren't going well.

I think you're definitely qualified to give me advice in this area, haha. My partner communicates well with me, although he's withdrawn some and doesn't tell me what's upsetting him sometimes. I try to be understanding and I always try to create an environment where he knows he can talk to me but I guess we've had the same general problems for over a year now and neither of us want to rehash them. On the other hand, I'm terrible at communicating in real life and that probably stems from my childhood. It never feels safe communicating my feelings, so I bottle them up. But it's something I'm working on.

Thankfully, I was able to tell him how the cleaning makes me feel. Writing out my feelings here and venting to another friend of mine gave me the words I needed when I couldn't find them.

You don't have to answer this, you can just ignore it, but do you think it's too late for you and your wife to communicate efficiently? Does the problem get worse the longer I let it go on? I'm a little scared of that but it's really hard to say things, I just have the assumption that whatever I say will be blown off or made fun of like it was when I was a kid and teenager.

The universe might be trying to send you a sign.

I think it is! I can't wait to tend to my plant and see if it's really still alive. They are flowers that my partner bought me so it made me a little sad that I wasn't equipped enough at the time to keep them alive. I want to make them bloom again next season.

I'm not sure therapy is working, but have another ketamine session set for Friday. I might have a better update later this week.

I've heard of people experiencing lulls in their treatment. I even had one myself where I thought things weren't working, and my family was being really hard on me for even going to therapy in the first place at the time, so I stopped going. I hope you don't stop; I think we plateau sometimes before a breakthrough. It goes like that in life, too— we feel like nothing is happening, and then, suddenly, we see some progress.

Glad to hear that your partner is supportive and isn't quite as bad as I thought based on the anecdotes I'd put together.

Haha, yeah, I realize that I'm kind of one-sided on the complaining. So many people just tell me to leave him. I'm like "wait, no, I just forgot to mention that I'm part of the problem too!"

I could be a better communicator. Things are pretty messed up because I let him ask me about moving enough for me to give in, I didn't stand on my own boundary enough and now we're in a situation where, by my estimation, he gets more benefit from this relationship than I do, but there was a time when that wasn't the case. I don't think it makes him a bad person but to a certain degree I do feel used now because he acted on my worst fear when it comes to partnering up with someone (if you come from a third world country in my region, at least, and you have more than one passport, you're basically a commodity and my family warned me about this very early in my life), which I have said to him a lot of times, and he tries his best to not make me feel that way, but it's just a feeling I can't shake off. Hopefully one day things will be better, but if it doesn't get better, I can always just peace out myself when the end goal for him has been reached.

I also just moved a few months ago and have been in my most recent horrible depressive/ dissociative state since pretty much the day I left my old place, so I don't exactly have joyous associations with my home environment, as nice as it is for a studio apartment, and the process of settling in has been hard.

I can relate to this. When I first moved, my apartment was empty for a really long time and it was so depressing coming back there. It felt stuffy and suffocating and it only reminded me of all the crying sessions I had and of everything that lead to me being here. But over time you buy trinkets, and furniture, and you fill your place up with so much of you that it becomes your happy place even when you're miserable. Settling in is hard, notoriously so, but I hope that you don't give up on that!

Does anyone have any suggestions for things that help them feel moments of happiness rather than solely to pass time? I'm open to any suggestions.

Welcome to the thread! Why are you feeling down, if you don't mind me asking? I think the quintessential answer to this question is something we never want to hear: hobbies. It's the only way I can think of that passes time and brings joy. Is there anything that you like to do? Anything that you ever wanted to try?

And maybe moments of "happiness" are a really high goal. I'm not saying this to discourage you, but if it's too hard to reach, why not moments of contentment? Or distraction? Honestly, when I'm feeling down and I want to feel better, sometimes I just come and vent in here…

 

[HighFlight]

Hi @Night_Crew - I'm sorry you're feeling so low recently, especially since the feeling is with you even in your dreams. Unfortunately, I'm not sure the best way to lift yourself up as we're all different. I loved some of @BurgundySnap 's ideas. Personally, I look for things I can focus on that take mind mind off of how I'm feeling. Whether it's work, binge watching a TV show, or reading and responding to posts here.

It's important to recognize that these tend to be temporary fixes. Finding some activity (hobby, job, games, etc) that brings you a positive feeling and doing it repeatedly is what can bring longer term relief. Recovery is truly a marathon, but there are some tricks to help along the way.

I hope you find something that can lift your spirits and allow you to get a good night's sleep.

 

[HighFlight]

You don't have to answer this, you can just ignore it, but do you think it's too late for you and your wife to communicate efficiently? Does the problem get worse the longer I let it go on?

I wouldn't ignore you, or a valid question... From my experience, communication problems, like so many other problems, only get worse if you fail to address them. If you have the opportunity to address an issue, sooner is better than later. Had I addressed many of my childhood traumas instead of burying them deep inside, I might have had a completely different life. So I also don't suggest bottling up your feelings.

And as for my wife and I, the jury is still out on whether it's too late. I think we would both like it to work out, but maybe we will part as friends. Only time will tell. But for now, she will be my roommate.

I've heard of people experiencing lulls in their treatment. I even had one myself where I thought things weren't working, and my family was being really hard on me for even going to therapy in the first place at the time, so I stopped going. I hope you don't stop; I think we plateau sometimes before a breakthrough.

I keep hoping that's the case, maybe the next session will help. But I've got four decades of bottled up feelings, and a great deal of practice at keeping it all hidden from the world. So far, therapy and drugs haven't been able to really pierce the veil.

I'm planning on going to the session tomorrow, and maybe even try another in a month. I'll also keep up with the regular weekly therapy sessions for a little longer. (They're expensive, as I have to pay out of pocket, insurance doesn't cover it.) But eventually, I might have to give up on this, and fall back on my ability to hide the pain.

I came across a quote the other day at work. Since I work at such a happy well-adjusted company, I've taken this is totally out of context. But the quote was: "Like milk, we all have expiration dates." Kind of makes you go hmm....

On a more positive note, my day was pretty just like yesterday. Spent it pretending to be on top of my game, while feeling completely overwhelmed and unsure of what to do next. Later this month, I'll be traveling to the Bay Area, California to work on a new technology platform. It is something that gives me some hope - fresh, new ideas always make me happy, and even more so when I can interact with them.

But my current workload won't change for at least another 3 months, so after the visit in a couple weeks, who knows what will happen.

I'm also making an effort to reach out and talk with more people in the company. These usually help with my mood, but can be so draining physically and emotionally. I hear that humans are wired for needing connections and they helpful indirectly with mental health issues. For far, so good. But at the same time, I feel myself just burying everything again and pretending to be happy.

@sadwriter may be right about the cycles. Mine just seem to be a little longer.

P.S. I just proofread this (yes, I know there are still probably errors), but I didn't get the wise old man voice. Instead, it came through as Eeyore from Whinney the Pooh. "It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it."

 

[sadwriter]

@HighFlight55 four decades is a fucking long time to keep your feelings bottled up. I hope that your ketamine treatment tomorrow is helpful. I can also relate to feeling drained trying to make connections with people in your everyday life. When you aren't feeling particularly well it can be a lot to try to act like you're ok when interacting with people who don't know your struggles... but it's good that those interactions are helpful for your mood and that you're able to put in that effort.

And even if you feel like you're giving off an Eeyore vibe, you'll always be the Rafiki of the tread to me! : )

(Which reminds me, I watched the Lion King 1 1/2 the other day and it cleansed my soul because of how much I used to love it as a kid. Timon was always my favorite, personally. Unfortunately, my wisecracking meerkat energy has been in short supply lately.)

My day was uneventful, as has been the norm this week. I did have a good therapy session, though, and continued along with my upward trend of feeling slightly better every day. I'm now at the point where I think I'm ready to make a daily schedule for myself to have some structure and start trying to be a functional human being again. I haven't been outside since Monday and it would definitely do me some good to take a walk.

 

[lita-lassi]

well ive had quite the adventure the last 30 hours or so. i fled my abusive ex/roommate with nothing but my backpack and the clothes i was wearing when he stepped outside for something. hes been unable to get an apartment for us despite technically making enough money and having decent credit because he hasnt filed taxes once in probably ever and he owns a fucking business lol, he owes like $5-6k in taxes alone. he fucked us so bad by not being capable of maintaining any adult things and claiming to me over and over and over that it was fine and would work out. he mislead me entirely from the very start of everything. we were in the process of moving our things from the latest airbnb to a hotel, our suitcases were in a friends car being moved. he wouldnt stop being an antagonistic asshole for hours and was yelling at me from the other side of a door id locked myself behind for safety. i asked anxiously but reasonably to be left alone several times, i said during the middle of moving wasnt the best time for us yo have these conversations, then wound up shouting several times out of sheer panic. he still wouldnt stop. he kept being suck a fucking jackass at every possible turn and i just couldnt stop feeling like i needed to gtfo or i wasnt safe. hes been physically abusive before over drugs/money, hes a compulsive liar and alcoholic who deals a shit load of drugs with so many substance abuse issues that he resents me for getting clean and distancing myself from him because hes always some kind of intoxicated and i had to for my own safety. he was able to bullshit that things worked for him for a while because he has a day job but hes his own boss and doesnt actually care about any kind of improvement. he would rather party 24/7 especially in his store. be high as fucking kite on several things, making "friends" the only way he knows how: selling them drugs. and hed let his store fall apart horribly, pretending its fine over just admitting he is his own problems. hes spent the entire relationship gaslighting me even when hes caught with 15 (or 50 or 100+) smoking guns directly in hand. not exaggerating, he still tries to bullshit even then. it's almost amazing.

he currently has all my worldly possessions besides my backpack which thankfully has many useful/necessary things from moving but it isnt much. he knows i dont even have clean underwear and has spent the day berating me, insulting me, and throwing a fucking tantrum demanding back every thing he ever gave/bought me and i mean hes flipping this shit over the water bottle ive been using, the umbrella i need/use for my sunlight sensitivity, the fucking toothbrush ive been using for over a year etc lol the motherfucker has my birth certificate, social security card, tax records etc in his storage unit along with all of my things, and he thinks he can bully me into surrender or like his shittiness is worth sticking around because hes bought me some everyday things. hes said i owe him rent. lmaoooo; i was never on a lease here he has 0 legal grounds to come after me and doesn't know the address im going to eventually. i need to get over 1000 miles away and soon.

if i wind up having to go to the police i need to have a storage unit and manpower ready for my shit all at once because anything of mine he possibly can hes going to destroy if he can get away with it. this situation is pretty unreal. at least my family is assisting where they're able and i was finally brave enough to ask for help instead of resigning myself to his fucking insanity

sorry for the possible incoherence, ive not been sleeping well, going through this has me in a bit of a fog and like my hearts going to give out, and the hostel im in isnt what one would call luxurious

 

[BurgundySnap]

@HighFlight55 's words regarding communication resonated, I must say. I do hope something can come of your sessions, and that it can work out in some way. And an interesting quote about expiration! It really makes you think, in more context than one...
Your travel sounds exciting! Again, I hope something good can come from this.

I really wish I could reply to everyone...Maybe I'll get the energy soon. I'm sorry if it might come off as me ignoring certain things and people.

My day was somewhat of a blur. A while ago, one of my friends said that, since she cannot stand the death of a friend, that when I die, she will also. And it makes me feel a bit horrible thinking that I'm going to likely be the cause of someone's future death. I cannot stop thinking about her words. They are in the back of my mind every day. If I end up outliving the prognosis somehow, at least she would feel better. I can't bring up any "dark" topics anymore though, so it is a constant mask and it feels strange in every way. She's still my friend though, and I enjoy her greatly.
That same friend is currently trying to introduce me to her other friends for us to be in the same friend group, and they aren't bad people by any means. They're all wonderful; we just don't quite click and I am by no means social! But I'm going to make the effort to continue to try for her and them, and find things we perhaps have in common. Haha, I've never been this nervous online before!

I do hope that comes across as casual talk and not any badmouthing...I do enjoy my friends, I have nothing bad to say about them. This took about three hours to type, Im exhausted and I think I will sleep now. I wish better days for us all.

Take care

 

[HighFlight]

@BurgundySnap, your update comes across as just that, your update. You can be as casual as you way, and if you feel the need to vent, you can do that to. Thank you for sharing.

Based on the initial conversation with your friend and how she cannot stand the death of a friend, I think a friend group may be a good way to help her and move beyond your feelings on the subject. Having a additional people in your group might take some of the pressure off you, knowing that she has additional friends if anything were to happen to you. But I get the social anxiety in adding new people to your group.

And I totally get your feelings about responding to everyone. I'd love to as well, but doing all this on my phone makes it very hard to grab what I want to comment on. Respond as you get, and maybe focus on one post at a time. And feel free to provide just an update about yourself. That OK too.

As for myself, I had my psychedelic therapy session this morning. Unlike the last one, this one was quite enjoyable, but I've been sleeping mist of the day afterwards. It was a positive journey through the universe - no specific images like the last one. It was a constant blur of motion, color and sound. I'll add more to my ketamine thread later.

Like BurgundySnap, I see there are a couple new posts that I'll want to respond to. But for now, wishing everyone well...

 

[HighFlight]

well ive had quite the adventure the last 30 hours or so.

Holy Sh*t!! This is the understatement of the year. This sounds like the plot of an action move, and I'm so sorry you're having the survive through all this. (I couldn't figure out which emoji was most appropriate - surprising update, virtual hugs, loving support, or sadness that this is real.)

First, are you safe?

I glad to hear you've gotten away from him and hopefully you can have a safe, stable environment to work out the rest of the stuff. Please get some sleep and let us know how it's going when you can. (Sending you virtual hugs )

four decades is a fucking long time to keep your feelings bottled up.

Yes, but I've apparently defined a new normal for myself. Not sure I'll ever know anything else in this lifetime. The ketamine trip seemed to reinforce that idea - but I think I'm OK with that. The good news is it's not to late for you. I'm happy your therapy session went well, and your feeling a little better with each day. Remember, you will have setbacks and bad days. Don't use them as an excuse to fall back into your negative cycle.

I loved Timon, and can totally relate to a wisecracking meerkat. Must confess, I haven't seen Lion King 1 1/2. But it's now on my watch list for when I find some time.

Hakuna matata.

 

[UsagiDrop]

well ive had quite the adventure the last 30 hours or so.

I agree that this is an understatement. When I read your post, it took the breath out of me. I never would have imagined you were going through something this dark and horrible while you were interacting with us and offering us your valuable perspectives and support. I'm so sorry something like this has happened to you, but I'm also really happy that you're getting out of this situation.

It's really hard to leave an abuser. I know and hope that you are probably completely over this situation, but just in case you have any room left for doubt, I want to tell you that you are doing the right thing. You can create a new and beautiful life with just the clothes you have on your back and the peace of mind that you will gain as you rebuild everything brick by brick. Your peace and safety is worth more than anything in this world, it is so precious that it's priceless. I hope you can find that soon, and that you get as far away from that asshat as you possibly can. He really sounds like a terrible person, although I'm sure he had his redeemable/tolerable qualities.

Is it possible for you to get things like your birth certificate and SS card without going through him? I wish I was more well-versed in this so that I can offer advice, but I've never been that deep into an abusive relationship. If he destroys them, is there a way for you to get them back without contacting him or having to see him at all?

I'm wishing you the best, please keep us updated whenever you can!

I also have more things I want to respond to, but I think this was the most important thing to respond to, so I just want to send this. I really hope that you will be safe.

 

[HighFlight]

Is it possible for you to get things like your birth certificate and SS card without going through him?

Yes, there are ways to get copies of these types of documents. Unfortunately, the processes are controlled by the state and federal governments in the US, which translates to red tape. If it comes to this, you might find free legal help from a shelter. I don't know where lita-lassi is located, but know of a great shelter in Atlanta called City of Refuse. But getting legal help will make this much less stressful.

@lita-lassi, if you'd like, PM me and I can ask my contacts in Atlanta where is the best shelter near you.

 

[UsagiDrop]

I had my psychedelic therapy session this morning. Unlike the last one, this one was quite enjoyable

It's good to hear that you've had a more enjoyable session. I'm looking forward to reading more about it in your other thread when you get a chance to post there. And I hope that your therapy sessions will get better, too, or that you can at least get the most out of them while you're going to them.

If you have the opportunity to address an issue, sooner is better than later. Had I addressed many of my childhood traumas instead of burying them deep inside, I might have had a completely different life. So I also don't suggest bottling up your feelings

I will try to keep this in mind. It is really difficult for me to address things but I can always see how it harms me and my relationships, especially when other people are trying so hard to connect with me. Thank you for answering my questions and for your advice.

Only time will tell.

I'm rooting for you guys and I really hope that things work out! Especially if both of you want to make it work.

"Like milk, we all have expiration dates."

Haha, I would probably laugh really hard at something like this if I saw it on a sign or something, unfortunately. I guess they're right.

Instead, it came through as Eeyore from Whinney the Pooh. "It's not much of a tail, but I'm sort of attached to it."

I can't unhear this now, because ironically enough, I was a Winnie the Pooh baby and Eeyore was my favorite. I always thought that was funny given how sad I turned out to be.

four decades is a fucking long time to keep your feelings bottled up.

I agree with this. I'm suffering a lot from even two decades of this.

Timon was always my favorite, personally.

I was definitely more of a Pumba fan, haha.

My day was uneventful

Uneventful days can be good, too! It's great to hear that you're on the upward trend and even feeling ready to try to structure your days. I think that would be really beneficial for your mental health, and so would the walk, so I hope you get to do those things soon. Thank you for checking in with us!

I do hope that comes across as casual talk and not any badmouthing...

It didn't come across as badmouthing; you said you're not very social, so those kinds of thoughts are understandable and valid. As for what your friend said, it does sound like a heavy thing for you to deal with. I do think adding additional friends to the group would be good if it's what you want to try, and agree that it would take some of the pressure off of you. Also, more genuine friends to rely on is always a good thing, and getting to know people can be fun!

Though I'm sorry you can't bring up the darker things. It can really suck when you don't feel 100% safe to discuss certain things with your friends. But you're always safe to talk about those things here, if you ever want to. Thank you for checking in with us!

My update: I'm also having uneventful days, and yet I'm feeling very stressed out. I've been pretty down on myself. And I feel really tired, but nothing completely bad is happening to me. I think I should try to step away from myself and assess things; I'm not in danger of anything, so I should be calm. And yet, that's so hard to do lol. I'm just going to try to make it through and hope for better days.

I hope everyone can have a decent weekend!

 

[UsagiDrop]

I'm doing really badly today, and this weekend. Sadly, I started to drink again. Now I'm sober and miserable, I wish I had anything to alter my state. Even the harder drugs. I just feel really tired.

I thought I was handling the thing with my job well, or at least I was trying to. I didn't have to go in last Thursday, and to keep myself from going crazy, my partner and I went for a drive to the city and I got some food and boba tea. They gave me a Hello Kitty cup and everything, which made me really happy. Things were going so well in the day. I don't know what happened when night came. I don't know what happened on Friday either, because I was drinking by then, and I broke a streak of about four months being clean on cocaine. I feel a lot of guilt but I'm trying unsuccessfully to not beat myself up.

Did a lot of crying but I'm only ever able to cry in short bursts. It's literally the worst outlet ever for me. Yesterday was the worst. My partner found work for the month, and I appreciate the help but I must have ruined his day during the day and in the night, I was alone for so long. It just felt really lonely and isolating. I just laid on the couch and watched Youtube until I had company to distract myself from my own thoughts. My mom doesn't know just how much I struggle because ever since she told me that she thinks I'm stupid for receiving and believing my diagnosis, I've shut her out completely emotionally. I don't intend on fixing that bridge but she must have heard in my voice on the phone yesterday how poorly I've been doing. She offered to buy me some food. I got my favorite sandwich from a place I've really liked, but even that was hard to eat after a certain point. It was the only thing I ate yesterday. I didn't eat today yet and I don't think I'll want to. I have to punish myself somehow and I know that I'm likely to do that with food, because I always do, so I'll try my best today.

Now I'm at work and I feel horrible. I need to be in an okay mood because my clients don't deserve me in this kind of state. I can't really hide it anymore though and I feel awful. I'm so resentful. I hate helping and feeding others, taking care of others, I don't even do that for myself and it makes me really bitter. That's nobody's fault but my own though, so I can't and won't take it out on anyone else. Unfortunately that means there is only one person to take it out on, and that's myself. I hate myself a lot today. But it's a new week. I'll try different things, and hopefully things will be different. Typing this helped me a little. I'm sorry I don't have anything positive to say. I feel like a monster, or like a ghost; I wish I wasn't even here.

 

[HighFlight]

I'm doing really badly today, and this weekend

Hang in there, and know that we are all praying for you. There will be good and bad days ( & weeks), so just recognize this as one of those low points. Better days are coming. More later...

 

[carac]

Just posting a little release/vent. Today was a tough day, I'm just getting back into working and had to do a long shift (11 hours) My work is pretty easy but toward the end of the shift I had an almost impossible task. Feeling very deflated and dissapointed with myself even though I can only do what I can do. I think have the ability to cope with this and put it behind me. I think I just need to see it as a bit of a test and also an oppurtunity to just say "fuck it" and not worry about it or let it bother me.

 

[cactusflower]

I'm exhausted. Emotionally drained and burnt out. Feel like staying in bed and I will.

Though I guess it is nice knowing that there are people I can relate to here who still have strength. It gives me a little courage as well.
I hope all is well with you all. You all are wonderful. I love how everyone treats this thread as a safe place to vent about everyday issues and triumphs we all have. Please know you all have a community here.

 

[BurgundySnap]

Last night was really a blur, and today was rather terrible. One of our system members tried to escape all night last night, so I had to barricade us in our room while one other system member calmed things down, and I didn't sleep. Then todaay, apparently something I deeply enjoy was essentially said to be harmful to someone else, and even though my friend probably didn't mean it, compared me to people who send awful assault/death threats. I would never do that, I wouldn't hurt anyone. I was just having my own fun in privzte and wanted to share something I like witgh a friend. I would nver hurt anyone, I was having fun and all it was were headcanons about a character to make them more like my identity for comfort. I never argued with anyone or looked down on anyone, I don't know why she was saying thst. It was all friendly and other people understood. I didn't mean to disrespect anyone or harm my friend. I didn't mean to be disrespectful or disppoint her. I'm not hurting others, I dont want to hurt people. My friends are all I have. If I hurt my friends then I don;t want to be around anyone. I'll never talk about it again, but it comes off as trying to appease her and I think it kooks like manipuation. I'm so confused andI don't eant to lose anymore friends. Theyre all I have, I selfishly don't want to be alone and I can't stand the hotught of losing my friends because I was disrespectful. My friends deservehappiness, I can't hurt them. I should be hurt instead if it means jeeping friends happy. And I don't wantto make new friends if I'll end up disrespecting and hurting them. I'm better off alone.

I promise I'll get better at being a nice person, and I won't ever purposefully hurt people. I's an awful thing to hurt peoole, and only bad people hurt others. So I won't be a bad person one day, and I'll be a good friend. I'm trying my hardest nitt o panic right now, and it just hurts so much inside.

I hope anyone else is well, it seems quite a few of us are struggling right now. I send my best wishes to us all, if it means anything. I'm sorry we're struggling, I hope we h=can have good days in our futures.

Tak care

 

[sadwriter]

Sorry to hear that a lot of the group is having a hard day. I hope that the coming week is better for everyone.

And welcome to the thread, @carac ! We hope to hear more from you soon.
(Edit: I was just looking back and realized you posted way back on page 2 (and probably more since then)! So I should say welcome BACK to the thread! My bad, haha)

@UsagiDrop as hard as setbacks are, I'll second you in saying that you should give yourself some grace towards breaking your sobriety streak. Feeling your emotions and dealing with mental health symptoms can be really fucking hard and breaking out of your old unhealthy coping mechanisms that helped you get through it is an uphill battle. I know firsthand how tempting it can be to numb things out with alcohol when you're at your worst. The best you can ask from yourself is to try, and as you've said to me before, recovery is not a linear process. I hope that in the coming days you'll be able to be kinder to yourself and feel some relief emotionally speaking.

Also, you never have to be sorry for not having anything positive to say. As much as you're an amazing cheerleader for the group, you also deserve the space to vent and be entirely honest about how shitty you feel just as much as anyone else.

@lita-lassi HighFlight55 is right: holy shit! It must have taken a lot of bravery to escape that situation. It does sound completely unreal– not to mention traumatic– and I'm sorry that you had to go through it. I'm glad that you have family who's able to help. I hope that you're safe now and that you'll be able to get your stuff back...

@BurgundySnap I'm sorry to hear about your situation with your friend. I do want to say that as much as it may feel like you'd be the "cause" of her death because of what she said, this is by no means your responsibility and you shouldn't have to feel like her life is in your hands if you ever do end up leaning more towards CTB, though it makes perfect sense why you'd feel guilty. I'm glad that it at least didn't cause a rupture in the relationship, though. And you for sure didn't sound like you were badmouthing anyone at all with your post by any means. It sounds like you're giving the new social situation your best go, and not everyone clicks with everyone else.
Edit: I also just saw your above post, and I'm so sorry to hear about what a tough time you've been having these past couple days. I really hope that the situation with your friends improves and that they can see that you didn't mean any harm. Please do try to be kind to yourself. If you need someone to talk to you can feel free to PM me.


I've been out the past few days because I've been in a bit of a pit again myself. I came to a realization about how I've acted in the past– ie, largely how self-centered and emotionally draining I used to be to those around me without knowing it, this as little as six months to a year ago– and have felt like an incredibly shitty, horrific person who doesn't deserve to have anyone good in their life. (Even typing this out, part of me wants to delete it because I believe that any words of encouragement from anyone else stating otherwise would be undeserved/ don't want to fish for reassurance by any means. At the same time, I recognize that I haven't actually done anything that even comes close to being categorized as "horrific" and that the people in my life always say I'm too hard on myself.) It didn't occur to me at the time that I was taking more than I was giving and being a bad listener to others because I was so clouded by my own mental health issues, but it finally all hit me and it was like an enormous punch in the face.

I've always valued rational thinking and level headedness very highly– as someone studying STEM, I definitely try to take that mindset home with me and approach things analytically– and as I recognize more and more how irrational and overly emotional my thinking has been in the past, on top of how bad of a friend I've probably been, I just sink deeper and deeper into self hatred.

I know that taking responsibility for my past shortcomings is a good thing, as is personal growth, but fuck, I still have so much more growing to do. At this point I wish I could break free from my own mind and just be able to approach everything from a grounded place instead of having to deal with all this over the top emotional bullshit that I have going on. At this point I've just going around appearing very quiet and calm and inactive on the outside while all hell breaks loose in my head as I experience extreme gulit and shame and internalized anger.

(PS, one final edit, I have to say that I love the irony of the transition from my responses to the group into beating the shit out of myself. Really need to work on that "be kind to myself" vow! )

 

[HighFlight]

Well, it seems like several of us had a bad weekend. I'm sorry to hear this, but we've talked about cycles in the past. We all have good days and bad days, and everything in between.

I'm doing really badly today, and this weekend. Sadly, I started to drink again. Now I'm sober and miserable, I wish I had anything to alter my state. Even the harder drugs. I just feel really tired.

Please don't be too hard on yourself. You've been doing so well, and you need to recognize that. Hopefully, this is just a bad weekend, and you can get back on track. Acknowledge it, and then make plans to move on.

And if you ever doubt your worth, go back through this thread and read everything you've posted. You are special to all of us, and we want you to succeed.

Today was a tough day, I'm just getting back into working and had to do a long shift (11 hours) My work is pretty easy but toward the end of the shift I had an almost impossible task. Feeling very deflated and dissapointed with myself even though I can only do what I can do. I think have the ability to cope with this and put it behind me.

im sorry to hear you had a tough day, but love your attitude about it. I believe you do have the ability to cope with your work issues, and can move beyond them.

I'm exhausted. Emotionally drained and burnt out. Feel like staying in bed and I will.

I'm sadden to hear how drained and burnt out you are. But glad that you can take some time for yourself and hopefully recharge. When you're feeling up to it, I look forward to hear your next update. I hope you will be feeling a little better by then, and would be interested in knowing if this was caused by something specific. (No pressure to share any more than you're comfortable with.)

I hope everyone can spend the week recovering from their weekends, and that you all can have better days ahead.

 

[HighFlight]

@BurgundySnap - I'm so sorry all of that happened to you this weekend. It really sucks when things are taken out of context, and result in bad things. If possible, maybe you could tell your friends that they mean a lot to you and you don't ever want to see them hurt. But also keep in mind, you deserve happiness too. I hope this all works out for you.

Please do try to be kind to yourself.

It sounds like you get to round out our "It's been a crappy weekend" with your post. Realizing that sometimes, we are our own worst enemy is half the battle. I know it is true for myself. B I will warn you about being overly analytical when dealing with emotional issues. When dealing with humans, it's never black and white - and that can be tough when looking at it purely from a STEM perspective.

But I think your quote to BurgandySnap hold true for all of us, and maybe should be a motto for this thread.

#BeKind2Yourself

Note to everyone: I've added it to my some of my posts in the past, and noticed SadWriter did as well. I am open to PMs if there is something you want to talk about but don't feel comfortable sharing with the larger group. I'm not a trained therapist, but sometimes just having a different perspective might be all you need.

 

[sadwriter]

But I think your quote to BurgandySnap hold true for all of us, and maybe should be a motto for this thread.

#BeKind2Yourself

I'm not opposed to that!

Just saw this on the memes thread and thought it was relevant, ha!

 

[carac]

And welcome to the thread, @carac ! We hope to hear more from you soon.
(Edit: I was just looking back and realized you posted way back on page 2 (and probably more since then)! So I should say welcome BACK to the thread! My bad, haha)

Hey there, I was part of the thread briefly toward the beginning. I've been in recovery for quite a while now and doing pretty well. Yesterday was just a bit of a set back, it's to be expected really, nothing is going to be smooth, so I don't think it well really get to me, just wanted to let of a bit of steam here.

 

[HighFlight]

I've been in recovery for quite a while now and doing pretty well.

Congratulations! This is great news.

And even better with the recognition that you can have a bit of a setback or a bad day without reading anything more into it. A timely post given how many of us didn't have good weekends.

 

[sadwriter]

Hope everyone's Monday is going better than the majority's weekends!

I don't have much to update on today but I managed to wake up at a normal time for me (ie before 9AM) for the first time in ages, helped my dad with some shopping and managed to do some walking. I still don't know how I'm going to find the motivation to live when I go back to my apartment or what I'm gonna do for work once I'm back since I'm not spending this semester focusing on graduating after all (or when i am gonna finish my last semester of school for that matter), but one step at a time I guess. There's a good chance that my old internship will take me back so finding work doesn't seem like it'll be an issue so much as the finding the will to live part.

 

[Helpneedtips]

Planning to get back to work after a 6+ months being jobless. I haven't sent out resumes yet, cause I feel like that'll start the ball rolling and I'll need to reply to recruiters/HR/etc. Feeling kinda nervous with talking to people again after 3 years of WFH then 6months of talking to no one, wish me luck lol.

 

[HighFlight]

Planning to get back to work after a 6+ months being jobless. I haven't sent out resumes yet, cause I feel like that'll start the ball rolling and I'll need to reply to recruiters/HR/etc. Feeling kinda nervous with talking to people again after 3 years of WFH then 6months of talking to no one, wish me luck lol.

Wishing you lots of luck as you get started in your job search. I've been WFH since 2007, and have had periods of time where I don't talk to anyone. I've think I've finally found a good company, and it's taken 18 months to begin to recognize that.

So, take your time and be yourself. You might be surprised. The other suggestion is to get the recruiters on your side, and let them do the "selling" for you. Their compensation rests on placing people.

Best wishes!