I'm 56, female. Been chronically suicidal since I turned 50. Couldn't handle the changes in my body and loss of my looks. But that's only a small part of what has led me to this dark place.
I'm diagnosed bipolar 1, I have frequent episodes of mania and psychosis despite taking the prescribed meds.
My life is a trainwreck. I have a son I never planned for or chose to have. If anything keeps me chained to this life in the longer term, it's him. He dropped out of school and is hard to deal with. He's otherwise alone in the world though, so he's gonna need me alive at least until he establishes himself.
I had N and no longer have it. Long story that I am too ashamed to tell. No I wasn't bad, just dumb to let that opportunity slip through my hands when many people would kill to have N.
I've been on several other pro choice sites and recently found my way to this one. I've quickly become addicted and am grateful for the sense of community. I only today decided to stop lurking and out myself, hence this post.
Welcome, Louise. I can relate to everything you said, except my kids are... well, they are pretty freakin' awesome. My 18-yr old son is a bit entitled, but, hey, he's 18. He's 6 ft tall and almost, um, rakish looking, I guess, with raven hair and fair skin. He's got almost model good looks... in that sort of editorial way. (The bragging is only going to get worse from here, folks). He works part time and goes to school; he's really mathematically inclined. My 16-yr old daughter has never rebelled or acted out, none of the shitty angsty teen stuff. She's a redheaded beauty (it's like a cinnamon color) with eyes that shift from blue to green. They remind me of the ocean. She still loves to do stuff with me... Netflix, shopping, craft projects. She's so, so bright and so very quick-witted & funny.
Sorry. That was super excessive, even for me. So... I will be 50 next year, and seeing the physical changes and losing my looks is not something I'm handling well. I've always been vain about my looks and, let's face it, good looks and youth are a commodity. Yesterday a man actually pulled his car out of traffic to catch up with me in a parking lot and say, "You are a very beautiful woman." (And you thought the bragging portion of the post was over).
The sad part is, I have come to depend on those kind of compliments and attention from men as a form of validation. Believe me, I'm not proud of this at best and at worst I think I'm an awful, shitty excuse for a person to be so incredibly shallow and superficial. These are not my best qualities, to be sure.
Anyway, yes, the aging process is hard. I have never been diagnosed, but I suspect I have some degree of bipolar disorder, with limited hypomanic episodes and brutal, crippling depression.
I can sure relate, sister.
