Alchemist
Warlock
- Apr 3, 2019
- 709
Welcome. I can't say I really hate the French because I haven't met a lot of them, but I find the language awful. But I think that's mostly because of my French teacher who made me hate it.
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Hey Guest,
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Hello,
I'm 58 years old and in a lot of physical pain from nerve damage for the last four years. This has brought on a lot of emotional distress. I need to find a peaceful and painless way out and this site has been very comforting.
Thanks.
I'm 58 years old and in a lot of physical pain from nerve damage for the last four years. This has brought on a lot of emotional distress. I need to find a peaceful and painless way out and this site has been very comforting.
Thanks.
Youthanasia
Wanderer
- Apr 18, 2019
- 117
Hi, im 25 and I live in one of the nicest places of South America.
Had severe issues with depression in my teenage days but it actually worked out very nicely for me. I used to struggle to socialize back then and I sort of dodged a bullet with what in my opinion was pressure to claim I was gay or transexual. It was literally pushed to me by pretty much everyone, even my father. It turned out to be just pressure, i was never even close to it. I managed to overcome my fears and turn out to be someone I could admire in many ways.
But then the time to choose a future came. And as someone eager to play the shark in the human resources market, i was excited to be challenged. But I knew my school didnt provide me the resources I needed to get where I wanted. Make a long story short, i was the first of my class and the turning point was having a math teacher telling me she would need to take an exercise to her home in order to correct it. In other words she didnt know what to do. Im just being simple with the words. That said, prep school was mandatory to me.
Depression set me back two years in high school. I couldnt afford to lose time. I had the mindset of a shark after all. But a family that afforded private schools for me and my sister (a good thing in Brazil) couldnt afford prep school. But they could afford marriage. And barbecue stations. And a car, and a house. Good stuff right?
I just knew back then that it wouldnt happen. Working myself was out of question as I had to quit my job due to health issues. Nothing serious, some shoulder limitations, but enough to render an untrained me useless to society.
So I resorted to something I have always been good at, video games. These have always been my passion; I learned two new languages and many complex math concepts in games. I happen to like complicated stuff. And on top of that, i was in the eye of a hurricane called League of Legends. Back in 2015 the scene was bursting out in an yearly basis. Having extensive time played in the game that was the base for League, I had an easy time to break in top 200 on the brazilian server and i was often dealing with projects of sponsored teams and creating content for YT and Twitch.
Season 3 brought a new user interface to the game. And that rendered my computer useless as it could not run the game properly anymore. My family could have provided me with a new computer but they chose to buy other things. Their money so whatever I guess. I eventually sold my account for like a thousand bucks and became a poker player instead.
And i was doing alright but i quickly gave up. It was too stressing to constantly deal with the idea of losing money when I was playing 16 or so tournaments at a time, timing my daily needs in 5 minute breaks. Poker players will know this suffering.
After that, I engaged this period in my life. For 3 or 4 years now, i am a full time NEET that can speak 3 languages and work with photoshop, illustrator, html and css. But none of that matters if you don't have a computer to work with. Yes, I am yet to get a computer. Something that would my family less than a month to buy, and over a year for me considering minimum wage.
My basic feeling is, I'm done fixing my parents mess with me. They like to say they love me but saying is not the same as doing. Words don't get you a job, a house, a life. Again, im being simple with words. During all these periods my formation as a functioning human being was repeatedly neglected by a upper middleclass family with no issues of drug abuse or insert typical family breaker here.
The thought of suicide is no stranger to me. For a couple of years now i have realized natural selection left me out. It happens I guess. I woudnt think twice before slaughtering other fishes in the sea of human resources market. And here I am. Nice to meet you all.
Had severe issues with depression in my teenage days but it actually worked out very nicely for me. I used to struggle to socialize back then and I sort of dodged a bullet with what in my opinion was pressure to claim I was gay or transexual. It was literally pushed to me by pretty much everyone, even my father. It turned out to be just pressure, i was never even close to it. I managed to overcome my fears and turn out to be someone I could admire in many ways.
But then the time to choose a future came. And as someone eager to play the shark in the human resources market, i was excited to be challenged. But I knew my school didnt provide me the resources I needed to get where I wanted. Make a long story short, i was the first of my class and the turning point was having a math teacher telling me she would need to take an exercise to her home in order to correct it. In other words she didnt know what to do. Im just being simple with the words. That said, prep school was mandatory to me.
Depression set me back two years in high school. I couldnt afford to lose time. I had the mindset of a shark after all. But a family that afforded private schools for me and my sister (a good thing in Brazil) couldnt afford prep school. But they could afford marriage. And barbecue stations. And a car, and a house. Good stuff right?
I just knew back then that it wouldnt happen. Working myself was out of question as I had to quit my job due to health issues. Nothing serious, some shoulder limitations, but enough to render an untrained me useless to society.
So I resorted to something I have always been good at, video games. These have always been my passion; I learned two new languages and many complex math concepts in games. I happen to like complicated stuff. And on top of that, i was in the eye of a hurricane called League of Legends. Back in 2015 the scene was bursting out in an yearly basis. Having extensive time played in the game that was the base for League, I had an easy time to break in top 200 on the brazilian server and i was often dealing with projects of sponsored teams and creating content for YT and Twitch.
Season 3 brought a new user interface to the game. And that rendered my computer useless as it could not run the game properly anymore. My family could have provided me with a new computer but they chose to buy other things. Their money so whatever I guess. I eventually sold my account for like a thousand bucks and became a poker player instead.
And i was doing alright but i quickly gave up. It was too stressing to constantly deal with the idea of losing money when I was playing 16 or so tournaments at a time, timing my daily needs in 5 minute breaks. Poker players will know this suffering.
After that, I engaged this period in my life. For 3 or 4 years now, i am a full time NEET that can speak 3 languages and work with photoshop, illustrator, html and css. But none of that matters if you don't have a computer to work with. Yes, I am yet to get a computer. Something that would my family less than a month to buy, and over a year for me considering minimum wage.
My basic feeling is, I'm done fixing my parents mess with me. They like to say they love me but saying is not the same as doing. Words don't get you a job, a house, a life. Again, im being simple with words. During all these periods my formation as a functioning human being was repeatedly neglected by a upper middleclass family with no issues of drug abuse or insert typical family breaker here.
The thought of suicide is no stranger to me. For a couple of years now i have realized natural selection left me out. It happens I guess. I woudnt think twice before slaughtering other fishes in the sea of human resources market. And here I am. Nice to meet you all.
weargon
Experienced
- Apr 20, 2019
- 201
I'm a welder living in Florida. Hence my play on words with the username. I've become a pretty hardened pessimist after countless horrible relationships and dating experiences, shitty customers, lack of friends, and basically not being able to relate to anyone. I have no interest in "basic" things that everyone is into, I hate social media, I am sick of politics, despise the lack or logic in people's religious beliefs. So basically I don't relate to too many people. That and I hardly ever run into anyone who has a genuine interest in mechanical fields, computers, or welding. Whenever I meet anyone who says they're into it, it's usually done to appear smart or trendy but they don't genuinely care or think about those areas often.
The last friend I had, always bails on plans to hang out, so I got frustrated to the point of writing him off.
I have no problem finding women to talk to, dating some, and taking things further. But lately I just got fed up with how much I care about all their small talk vs how much interest anyone has in me.
So basically now all I do is read messed up stuff on the internet, drink, and work alone on endless mechanical projects. Almost CTB a few times, but of course it's the usual family/belongings stuff.
I was pleased with how many interesting topics here are on this forum, especially relating to views that most normal people wouldn't dare touch. So here I am, to participate when I can.
The last friend I had, always bails on plans to hang out, so I got frustrated to the point of writing him off.
I have no problem finding women to talk to, dating some, and taking things further. But lately I just got fed up with how much I care about all their small talk vs how much interest anyone has in me.
So basically now all I do is read messed up stuff on the internet, drink, and work alone on endless mechanical projects. Almost CTB a few times, but of course it's the usual family/belongings stuff.
I was pleased with how many interesting topics here are on this forum, especially relating to views that most normal people wouldn't dare touch. So here I am, to participate when I can.
Hello. I'm 35 and I've been depressed for as long as I can remember.
I know that sounds dramatic but it is sort of true. My earliest memories are of me getting told off for things I didn't do or for simply wanting to be fed/clothed/etc. I'd politely and calmly state my position and I'd stare, perplexed, at adults losing their shit at me. So I learned to lie and to my disgust, it took a lot of heat off me. It's incredible the level of utterly unconvincing garbage the average person is prepared to buy in order to avoid looking at the truth.
So I've always had that low level anxiety. The knowledge that the truth won't save me and the fact I've been a target for bullies my entire life anyway. And abuses in the home that.. it would take a long time to get into. I almost starved to death when I was 4 and was threatened with murder if I didn't start eating again. Amazing.
Friends and partners have largely treated me with contempt. I interview terribly so jobs have been sparse and in borderline illegal conditions. And now I'm chronically ill. So what I cultivated as an identity to keep my head above water has gone. It's like I've developed a type of amnesia with regard to that.
I've self harmed, I've had eating disorders, I've seen therapists (one of which threw me out during the first session after 25 minutes of attacking everything I said and one who said he wanted to leave his wife for me). I'm still being treated cruelly. No one listens. I'm sick of this mental health kick bullshit. "Ohh you aren't alone". Aren't we? We tell you the truth of a situation and you lose your fucking minds.
I don't know what to do. I don't enjoy anything. I've tried to live for my entire life. That's the kicker here. I never did lay down and die; I tried. I took classes, I exercised, I did everything that was ever suggested to me. I'm at a complete loss now. I feel worse than ever. I look up suicide to make myself feel better and it works. But whenever I make up my mind and make plans, I feel like I'm doing something clandestine and wrong. I'm in limbo, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. But I don't see a way I'll ever be happy.
I know that sounds dramatic but it is sort of true. My earliest memories are of me getting told off for things I didn't do or for simply wanting to be fed/clothed/etc. I'd politely and calmly state my position and I'd stare, perplexed, at adults losing their shit at me. So I learned to lie and to my disgust, it took a lot of heat off me. It's incredible the level of utterly unconvincing garbage the average person is prepared to buy in order to avoid looking at the truth.
So I've always had that low level anxiety. The knowledge that the truth won't save me and the fact I've been a target for bullies my entire life anyway. And abuses in the home that.. it would take a long time to get into. I almost starved to death when I was 4 and was threatened with murder if I didn't start eating again. Amazing.
Friends and partners have largely treated me with contempt. I interview terribly so jobs have been sparse and in borderline illegal conditions. And now I'm chronically ill. So what I cultivated as an identity to keep my head above water has gone. It's like I've developed a type of amnesia with regard to that.
I've self harmed, I've had eating disorders, I've seen therapists (one of which threw me out during the first session after 25 minutes of attacking everything I said and one who said he wanted to leave his wife for me). I'm still being treated cruelly. No one listens. I'm sick of this mental health kick bullshit. "Ohh you aren't alone". Aren't we? We tell you the truth of a situation and you lose your fucking minds.
I don't know what to do. I don't enjoy anything. I've tried to live for my entire life. That's the kicker here. I never did lay down and die; I tried. I took classes, I exercised, I did everything that was ever suggested to me. I'm at a complete loss now. I feel worse than ever. I look up suicide to make myself feel better and it works. But whenever I make up my mind and make plans, I feel like I'm doing something clandestine and wrong. I'm in limbo, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. But I don't see a way I'll ever be happy.
Psychotic King
Failure
- Apr 18, 2019
- 31
Hello everyone. Not sure if I should message here or not, dont really feel very natural doing so, never been that social. I am a Finn after all..
Anyways, I find this forum fascinating, as here we can actually talk about suicide and such topics without the hysteria, trolling and such which is normal in most other forums. I really feel like this is a step into right direction for me to get here, for many reasons
First time I thought about suicide, not completely serious but I was fascinated about it... That was back when I was 12 or so. Nowadays I am closer to 30 than 20. Aging saddens and frustrates me in many ways. I feel like I have missed a childhood and I am a weird hybrid, mentally in some ways, I am like a child. But also the opposite in many ways. It frustrates me and creates some problems from time to time
I dont enjoy many things in life these days but there are some things. I travel every now and then, next step is Slovakia. My life revolves a lot around combat sports, boxing, MMA, kickboxing and so on. I love them, watch them, study them, train from time to time and had a small and awful amateur career as well
I like to listen to music, walk around outside at night, somewhere peaceful where there aren't much lights, people, noise, cars etc. I use alcohol and mostly weed, occasionally tramadol as well. Have taken alcohol every day now for a month but not too much I think. Dont like alcohol that much even, but I like certain drinks for the taste too
I live a chaotic and strange life
Dont know what else to say. Hi everyone I guess
Anyways, I find this forum fascinating, as here we can actually talk about suicide and such topics without the hysteria, trolling and such which is normal in most other forums. I really feel like this is a step into right direction for me to get here, for many reasons
First time I thought about suicide, not completely serious but I was fascinated about it... That was back when I was 12 or so. Nowadays I am closer to 30 than 20. Aging saddens and frustrates me in many ways. I feel like I have missed a childhood and I am a weird hybrid, mentally in some ways, I am like a child. But also the opposite in many ways. It frustrates me and creates some problems from time to time
I dont enjoy many things in life these days but there are some things. I travel every now and then, next step is Slovakia. My life revolves a lot around combat sports, boxing, MMA, kickboxing and so on. I love them, watch them, study them, train from time to time and had a small and awful amateur career as well
I like to listen to music, walk around outside at night, somewhere peaceful where there aren't much lights, people, noise, cars etc. I use alcohol and mostly weed, occasionally tramadol as well. Have taken alcohol every day now for a month but not too much I think. Dont like alcohol that much even, but I like certain drinks for the taste too
I live a chaotic and strange life
Dont know what else to say. Hi everyone I guess
Hello folks I am 31 and in the last 8 years I have tried to kill myself 4 times, I have been in an mental hospital in the past and I suffer from severe depression and voices in the head, I was thinking about using sodium azide or sodium nitrate to escape into death and go home
Miles Patrick
Miles Patrick
Spookycabinet
Member
- Apr 7, 2019
- 13
Hi!
I'm new here, but I have been reading for while.
I am in the UK and I'm a cat fan (I love all animals really! Cats are my weak spot!)
I'm planning on CTB mid May time (won't say exactly as I'm jumping I don't want to be stopped)
I have zero friends so it's nice to be able to chat here.
Much love, spookycabinet
I'm new here, but I have been reading for while.
I am in the UK and I'm a cat fan (I love all animals really! Cats are my weak spot!)
I'm planning on CTB mid May time (won't say exactly as I'm jumping I don't want to be stopped)
I have zero friends so it's nice to be able to chat here.
Much love, spookycabinet
EddieAllenPoe
Specialist
- Mar 19, 2019
- 304
Hi everyone!
This is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down. I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air.
Wait.
That's not my story... Well fuck. I was getting all excited because I was remembering the part about playing b-ball outside of the school.
You know what? I don't like talking about myself. I just wanted to say hi.
This is a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside down. I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became the prince of a town called Bel Air.
Wait.
That's not my story... Well fuck. I was getting all excited because I was remembering the part about playing b-ball outside of the school.
You know what? I don't like talking about myself. I just wanted to say hi.
Hi,
I've tried a suicide attempt before but unsuccesfully. Back then it was a plastic bag but now I'm considering nembutal or sodium nitrite. I'm 23 y/o and suffer from severe mental illness (hallucinations, loss of coördination among others). I've tried making something of my life as I kind of want to enjoy life but after half a decade of trying to make it work I realize that I haven't moved an inch forward and it is becoming unbearable to go on. The tought and process of preparing for suicide feels like a huge relieve.
I've tried a suicide attempt before but unsuccesfully. Back then it was a plastic bag but now I'm considering nembutal or sodium nitrite. I'm 23 y/o and suffer from severe mental illness (hallucinations, loss of coördination among others). I've tried making something of my life as I kind of want to enjoy life but after half a decade of trying to make it work I realize that I haven't moved an inch forward and it is becoming unbearable to go on. The tought and process of preparing for suicide feels like a huge relieve.
Hello,
I'm a 28y/o female who's been lurking around this forum since last year, and only just recently created this account. I'm planning to ctb hopefully before the end of this year. Procrastination's a bitch.
This is the first time on any media/platform that I'm actually saying that 'out loud'. For the longest time, it's just been an idea that's stuck in my head and it feels like another one of my fantasies that will never come true. But now, even just by typing it out, I am hoping to put it into action and end it. I'm not good at opening up to people, I don't know how to express or say how I feel, but I hope that I can get some of it out with this community.
Funny the number of times I've used the word 'hope' in this post, when I have none left towards life :)
I'm a 28y/o female who's been lurking around this forum since last year, and only just recently created this account. I'm planning to ctb hopefully before the end of this year. Procrastination's a bitch.
This is the first time on any media/platform that I'm actually saying that 'out loud'. For the longest time, it's just been an idea that's stuck in my head and it feels like another one of my fantasies that will never come true. But now, even just by typing it out, I am hoping to put it into action and end it. I'm not good at opening up to people, I don't know how to express or say how I feel, but I hope that I can get some of it out with this community.
Funny the number of times I've used the word 'hope' in this post, when I have none left towards life :)
weargon
Experienced
- Apr 20, 2019
- 201
I'm from one of the smaller countries in Southeast Asia (prefer not to say which, exactly). Reasons for wanting to ctb, well, I'm not sure exactly how to put it but I just feel like I'm nothing. I have no personality, no real desire other than to sleep. I just exist, yet it feels torturous to just be existing and seeing everyone else living their lives. I've tried to gain interests in hobbies or games but it always just a temporary short fad. I can't even talk to people much because I have nothing to talk to them about. It's like, I can react to the things they are telling me about, what they did yesterday or whatnot, but then when the topic shifts over to me, I'm a complete blank. I have nothing to say because I do nothing. And that's probably why most of my 'friends' are also a temporary thing. Once they realise that, they move on and make new friends and I'm still at nothing.
weargon
Experienced
- Apr 20, 2019
- 201
I understand, it's hard to relate to so many constructs of today's society when so many of them seem superficial.
Hello, I'm brand new to this, still don't know if I'm in the right thread, not really sure what a thread is. I have a terminal illness, however, I want control at the end. I refuse to waste away in agony, and am taking steps to assure this doesn't occur. I am not depressed at all, in fact I love life, I feel horrible for those of you going through the torment of depression, and especially those of you who are young, I realize though that pain is pain, whether it be physical or psychological. It breaks my heart to read what many of you are going through, and I pray for everyone here, and that they will find peace.
jellybelly4
Member
- Apr 23, 2019
- 22
Hi I'm Jelly! I've been feeling suicidal for a while and wanted a place to talk about my experiences without judgment or that "there's so much to live for" bullshit. I may even be looking for a partner to CTB with, no idea yet. I have however, enjoyed the threads here and how well the website is run. Feel free to say hi.
Escaper Boy
累坏了...
- Apr 11, 2019
- 245
Hi, I am Kerry, aka Fish Face. I have the SN, anti-emetics etc but but the missing part is I don't have the guts. There is still about 10% hope that seems to fight against everything and I hate that 10%. I have been "lurking" around the website for a while and it's been a big comfort to me.
38 y/o male from the UK. I've had depression since my late teens. I'm fairly certain I have avoidant and dependent personality disorders but this has not been diagnosed officially. Still here because of family. When they're gone that's it for me.
ExhaustedPigeon
“Not now, Mom! I’m suicidal!”
- Apr 24, 2019
- 7
Another new member here -- I just wanted to say hello. I'm a (cis) female in her early 30s. I've been depressed for as long as I can remember, and had suicidal tendencies to some degree or other since I was 16. I found this forum a couple of weeks ago while I was looking for a place where discussing methods is allowed, and I've been lurking daily since then. Which has helped me a lot, so I'm happy to have found SS -- though it's tough to see that there are so many people on here that are in such pain.
Thought I'd look through several threads and begin activity within this community. I'm a twenty-four year old male currently living in the United Kingdom. I have experienced a lot in my life and consistenly said that I will pass before the age of twenty-five, which happens to be in a few months - I find that I'm usually 98% right with most situations. I've been in-love, I've fallen out of love, been abroad several times - I've been to university twice, dropped out twice and I have an option to go for a third time, should I wish to; I've been admitted to a psychiatric ward under a section(5)2 for suicidal intent and I'm currently just surviving without any hope for the future until my due date to CTB. I also got diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome two years ago.
Monster
Member
- Apr 26, 2019
- 77
Well. Where do I even begin?
Thought I'd write a little introduction to get myself going I guess and not being afraid of writing posts, but it's really fucking hard for me to talk about practically anything so we'll see how that goes.
Practically any thought these days leads to the urge to kill myself and all that, or at least that I can't live. Everything is complicated. That's the only thing that is for sure really. Well I guess that and that I fucking suck.
I've been thinking about how to catch the bus more and more, but I need help with finding a place to do it, and how to obtain things depending on the method. Maybe also sorting out some end-of-life things.
Oh and I'm 19. Got a lot of crap happening and that I have to deal with but I won't go into it here/now.
Thought I'd write a little introduction to get myself going I guess and not being afraid of writing posts, but it's really fucking hard for me to talk about practically anything so we'll see how that goes.
Practically any thought these days leads to the urge to kill myself and all that, or at least that I can't live. Everything is complicated. That's the only thing that is for sure really. Well I guess that and that I fucking suck.
I've been thinking about how to catch the bus more and more, but I need help with finding a place to do it, and how to obtain things depending on the method. Maybe also sorting out some end-of-life things.
Oh and I'm 19. Got a lot of crap happening and that I have to deal with but I won't go into it here/now.
Egddios
Specialist
- Oct 27, 2018
- 395
Hey all. I'm 35, have been diagnosed with MDD, PTSD and panic disorder. I love animals so much, and spend much of my time alone. I love music of all kinds and spicy foods. I used to be really into cooking and enjoyed riding my bicycle. I broke my neck in 2016 and suffered a pretty significant TBI, so I haven't been able to ride my bicycle since then. I miss those days. I was in nursing school in 2014-15, but after I was raped by the upstairs neighbor, my life really began to deteriorate. I've fought depression pretty hard but I accept the reality of my situation and am looking forward to the end of my pain.
Peace to all of you.
Peace to all of you.
Hello, I'm Emily. I'm terminally ill, in loads of chronic pain and ready to ctb as quickly and peacefully as possible. My poor family has been through so much with my illness, I want it to end for all of us.
Mart
eh
- Apr 27, 2019
- 95
Just turned 20, things went to shit recently, already pushed everyone away, lost the only few people that actually mattered to me, have about one person l genuinely want in my life. Said person doesn't seem to want me around anymore which completely makes sense to me. Have a loving mom that I don't appreciate enough and struggle to actually talk to but she is genuinely the only reason I haven't done anything yet, I will just in a way that will minimize her hurt. I like video games, movies, writing, hammocking, drinking is a new hobby, closeted anime watcher. I've been struggling with all of these recently, except drinking that is. I traveled a bit and I still want to travel more, pretty sure I'm gonna go while I'm traveling. I have a few trips I've been thinking of. Glad I found all of you.
Alchemist
Warlock
- Apr 3, 2019
- 709
I know the feeling. I've always wanted to be something more than the backup for anyone, so I become clingy when I find someone who might have some attachment to me and I end up screwing up things or I try to please them so much they end up taking advantage.
Seems like you are a woman of culture as well. Seems like it's normal to want to cut everyone off when depressed.
Mart
eh
- Apr 27, 2019
- 95
Actually a man lol but that's okay. Yeah started cutting everyone off about 8 months back. Got really close to a few people I met during that time, lost them, here I am.
Alchemist
Warlock
- Apr 3, 2019
- 709
Sorry about that, for some reason I confused you. But I get you, the only people I see regularly are at work.
Mart
eh
- Apr 27, 2019
- 95
No need to be sorry. I quit my job and did a month long road trip. I don't even see anybody anymore. I talk to one person occasionally and that's it. I would get a job or something but I have enough money for the amount of time I'm willing to be here.
Only Me Here
...
- Apr 29, 2019
- 263
That sounds like me i went to thailand then took a train across canada to the rockies, thought it might push me out of this. It backfired seeing all these happy families and lovers made me feel far worse. I Wasted money as i spent most of my time in my room on those trips anyway. I also am not working for the first time in my life and have saved enough that i can get by. I always dreamed i would do whatever i want for the last year of my life hence the travel. The 4 months since then though has been my bed, tv, iPad and tears. I was thinking of doing a road trip and just finding a spot that feels right and lighting up the charcoal there. I just worry i wont have the energy for a road trip. How was it for you?
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