Story SN Survival One Year Later- Slow and Painful

[JJJune]

Well its been nearly a year since my SN Survival.(check my previous posts for more details)Things have been rough, but, without going into too much detail ive somehow managed to get my life somewhat better than it was. Beside some minor short term memory issues, I'm pretty much fully recovered by now. I no longer have to take pills for my heart or check my blood pressure anymore. But I will say having gained a lot of my memory back since getting a traumatic brain injury after surviving the attempt; remembering the events of that night aren't the greatest to say the least. I don't write this to fear monger or try to dissuade anyone from making the choice to follow through with this method; I just thought to leave some more of my story here, partly because I need to vent, but also because i think its very important for me to put the information out there that someone may be prepared for the worst case scenario experience if they do decide to make the choice-even if they follow the regiment. Again, this is MY experience it shouldn't necessarily be indicative of this method as a whole. But I have lived through this. I feel like a have pretty good understanding of it.

Now that my memory is a lot clearer, I more accurately recall pretty much everything about my attempt now. Firstly, I now recall that it was NOT PEACEFUL, and NOT PAINLESS (Yes following the regiment etc. etc.,see previous post) The time going from conscious to unconscious was far far far too long to be even remotely comfortable. I think i went into it assuming that I would take it and it might suck for a second and it would kind of be like an alcohol blackout, or maybe SN wasn't even lethal, maybe and it was all just bs.

It was not that smooth at all.

After pacing back and forth for hours, i get the "courage" to down it. I felt fine for a good 10-15 minutes; Get a bit uncomfortable, nauseas, lethargic, whatever, nothing more than a hangover. Then all of a sudden I feel like I was gonna implode upon myself. Think of like the worst headache you've ever had and multiply the severity that by a thousand. Then there's a loud ringing in my ears. Vision goes dark and back again and dark and back. I get like brief 2 second lapses in memory. Sounds distort, sound like they're coming from out of a pool or something, really muffled. Feel like there's a gigantic weight on my chest. Feel like I'm losing consciousness but I'm not yet. Try to calm down but I'm still not passing out. I then settle into a type of feeling that I can't even describe. I don't even have a name for it, suffering?, fear?, pain?, whatever it is its unbearable. I know now that I'm dieing, but the feeling continues, I'm suffering, begging my brain to put me out of my misery. But I still remain conscious. My brain is torturing me.
Panic sets in. Want to scream for help but I can't raise my voice for some reason. Crying like a baby now, as my brain fills my head with thoughts of the few people who mean something to me and how I'm a failure to them. Can't hear my own voice as I get to my phone to call for help. Lose all balance and coordination. Feel like I have sleep paralysis but I'm standing up. Pass out for a few seconds. Wake. Pass out. Wake. Pass out. Wake. Somehow get the quick thinking that I'll need to unlock the door to my apartment so that paramedics, can get to me. Fall down and slam my head on the tile floor right before I can get to the door . Blood gushing down from my split open brow into my eye. Blind. Get up . Fall again. Lose all senses. Get up again, relying on pure will and muscle memory, I unlock the door.

I literally died. My pulse stopped. In what feels like an eternity I awake in the hospital for a brief mimute. Go into a coma for a while. Awake in hospital again. Go through Physical and cognitive therapy for months. Heart problems.

Entually able to move on. The total cost of my care in the hospital was nearly a million dollars. Something all family and relatives had to scrape together, So that's a fun thing about the American healthcare system.

Flash forward to now. I do feel better about myself, and am making changes in my life. Im moving on now.

I know it's the last thing someone will want to hear. But please take some time to consider your decisions. And call me not genuine or corny, or whatever, but to whoever took their time to read this I'm sending love your way.

 

[Someone123]

Thnk you for shring yor story, and I'm sorry that this went so badly. I am trying to understand the timing of the protocol. The pain reliever is generally 60 minutes before, an anti emitic is 45 minutes before, and a beta blocker is 30 minutes before, and benzos are mixed in at some point for people who have them. You did say you paced back and forth for hours before downing it- so was this hours delay between the protocol and the sn? Because you said you finally had the courage to slam the sn. If so, maybe the delay between the protocol and the sn was a factor. Not trying to blame at all, just trying to learn from what you posted. Thanks for any help with this.

 

[deprezz3124]

I mean this in the nicest way but, I'm having a hard time believing this, mostly because I thought I finally found a way out, that is peaceful, with the SN method. I am really hoping someone can confirm this is what could happen

 

[👁️👃👁️]

I mean I'm glad you're okay and doing better but I'm a little bit confused because in the other threads you said it wasn't painless and now you're saying it was painful. You also said you tasted some off of the spoon. I'm not sure how much but that may not have been a good idea either. Even if you "spit it out"

 

[Someone123]

I mean this in the nicest way but, I'm having a hard time believing this, mostly because I thought I finally found a way out, that is peaceful, with the SN method. I am really hoping someone can confirm this is what could happen

I think one key to it is when she said:

After pacing back and forth for hours, i get the "courage" to down it.

So it sounds like there may have been a delay of hours betwen taking the protocol and downing the sn, which could possibly explain why it went badly.

 

[deprezz3124]

I think one key to it is when she said:

After pacing back and forth for hours, i get the "courage" to down it.

So it sounds like there may have been a delay of hours betwen taking the protocol and downing the sn, which could possibly explain why it went badly.

I thought the extra medications for the protocol were for the discomfort, not the success.

 

[JJJune]

Thnk you for shring yor story, and I'm sorry that this went so badly. I am trying to understand the timing of the protocol. The pain reliever is generally 60 minutes before, an anti emitic is 45 minutes before, and a beta blocker is 30 minutes before, and benzos are mixed in at some point for people who have them. You did say you paced back and forth for hours before downing it- so was this hours delay between the protocol and the sn? Because you said you finally had the courage to slam the sn. If so, maybe the delay between the protocol and the sn was a factor. Not trying to blame at all, just trying to learn from what you posted. Thanks for any help with this.

Hours is an exaggeration. Mostly just pacing all day. I know that the protocol and injestion wasn't too far apart, but I simply don't remember my exact timing. Maybe an hour at most? But I could not get my hands on benzos or any not over the counter pain relievers so there is also that. I did have a drink for some courage but that was all for "pain".

 

[oneeyed]

Damn that's horrifying. Glad you're doing better.

 

[JJJune]

I mean I'm glad you're okay and doing better but I'm a little bit confused because in the other threads you said it wasn't painless and now you're saying it was painful. You also said you tasted some off of the spoon. I'm not sure how much but that may not have been a good idea either. Even if you "spit it out"

There is that. Spoon was a bad idea I'm not lying about the pain though. My brain literally shut the part of my memory away from me. Post traumatic stress protecting me or something. I suffered bad memory loss from the event and am still remembering thngs

 

[Someone123]

Hours is an exaggeration. Mostly just pacing all day. I know that the protocol and injestion wasn't too far apart, but I simply don't remember my exact timing. Maybe an hour at most? But I could not get my hands on benzos or any not over the counter pain relievers so there is also that. I did have a drink for some courage but that was all for "pain".

Okk that helps. But the protocol is supposed to start an hour before the sn, with the pain reliever at 60 minutes, the antiemitic at 45 minutes and the beta blocker at 30 minutes and if there was an additional hour delay this could have affected things- not tryni to9 blame, just tryin to understand, since your reaction was not typical as far as we know, and this delay was the one difference from the protocol based on what you posted, I think.

 

[JJJune]

Damn that's horrifying. Glad you're doing better.

<3

 

[Mofreeko]

Not good but painless. I called for help at the last second,, If I'd taken any longer I'd be dead for sure. There was no pain, but dizziness, and confusion, headache and a pounding, thumping sensation(probably my heart beating at god speed. I must've hit my head at one point, now I have a sick scar on my forehead. I eventually made it to the hospital, but I don't remember much of it at all, i do remember being really freaked out by waking up wirh a catheter lol, did see my boyfriend and mom and sister at some point although it's a blur.A good couple of months of my life forgotten.Then later was moved to an inpatient program where I received NO care for my condition, other than some fucking antidepressants. At that point I needed physical therapy more than anything, I was so weak; I lost like 30lbs, I was falling down, lost all my motor control, and dealt with some severe short term memory loss. Of course, these were not treated. I had to do all of it on my own when I finally got out later on. Me being trans was also an issue, in day to day life I always pass, but they had my records and deliberately called me by my dead name and called me he. Safe to say I faked being good to be out as soon as possible. It was more like a holding cell than anything. Slept in a bright room on a brick-like mattress with someone checking on me like every 15 minutes to make sure I wasn't like hanging myself with a fucking shoelace or some bullshit. We even had our fucking little outfits we had to wear. I didn't get to brush my teeth, shower or brush my hair. I was the resident tranny and I had to be excluded from any basic hygiene I guess.
Eventually I did get out. The staff even threatened to call the cops on my mom if she got me out early. They didn't.
For the past month I've been doing some actual recovering.
Doing a outpatient practice which is honestly really helpful. Physical therapy on my own and just sleeping has been incredible for my recovery. I have to take a lot of pills for my heart and shit now, but I'm waning off of things and am so close to making a FULL RECOVERY, even with everything. I guess my body just won't let me quit. I don't know what I'm doing right now but I'm fine physically at least. This is probably my last post here, might make this it's own thread but I don't know.

This is your original post about the incident. In this post you claim you forgot months of your life. I've never heard of memory loss being a sign of SN survival. You also stated it was painless, but now you claim "Firstly, I now recall that it was NOT PEACEFUL, and NOT PAINLESS (Yes following the regiment etc. etc.,see previous post)" because your memory of the incident got restored. Maybe this is all true, but it's so far beyond the experiences I read about and I've read dozens of actual medical papers and case studies and they never mentioned memory loss or brain damage at all when the patient survived. Nor have I heard of it in personal survivor accounts. I will just urge people to do their own research instead of being swayed by strangers on the internet.

 

[Interloper]

This is your original post about the incident. In this post you claim you forgot months of your life. I've never heard of memory loss being a sign of SN survival. You also stated it was painless, but now you claim "Firstly, I now recall that it was NOT PEACEFUL, and NOT PAINLESS (Yes following the regiment etc. etc.,see previous post)" because your memory of the incident got restored. Maybe this is all true, but it's so far beyond the experiences I read about and I've read dozens of actual medical papers and case studies and they never mentioned memory loss or brain damage at all when the patient survived. Nor have I heard of it in personal survivor accounts. I will just urge people to do their own research instead of being swayed by strangers on the internet.

You went digging but missed the part where they fell and hit their head, causing brain injury?

 

[JJJune]

This is your original post about the incident. In this post you claim you forgot months of your life. I've never heard of memory loss being a sign of SN survival. You also stated it was painless, but now you claim "Firstly, I now recall that it was NOT PEACEFUL, and NOT PAINLESS (Yes following the regiment etc. etc.,see previous post)" because your memory of the incident got restored. Maybe this is all true, but it's so far beyond the experiences I read about and I've read dozens of actual medical papers and case studies and they never mentioned memory loss or brain damage at all when the patient survived. Nor have I heard of it in personal survivor accounts. I will just urge people to do their own research instead of being swayed by strangers on the internet.

I know it is not a typical experience. What could I possibly have to gain from lying? You can trust me or not. But I'm am telling my truth. I experienced it.

 

[👁️👃👁️]

This is your original post about the incident. In this post you claim you forgot months of your life. I've never heard of memory loss being a sign of SN survival. You also stated it was painless, but now you claim "Firstly, I now recall that it was NOT PEACEFUL, and NOT PAINLESS (Yes following the regiment etc. etc.,see previous post)" because your memory of the incident got restored. Maybe this is all true, but it's so far beyond the experiences I read about and I've read dozens of actual medical papers and case studies and they never mentioned memory loss or brain damage at all when the patient survived. Nor have I heard of it in personal survivor accounts. I will just urge people to do their own research instead of being swayed by strangers on the internet.

They mentioned falling and splitting their head open.

 

[JJJune]

You went digging but missed the part where they fell and hit their head, causing brain injury?

THANK YOU

 

[Mofreeko]

You went digging but missed the part where they fell and hit their head, causing brain injury?

How hard would you have to hit your head to forget two months of your life?

 

[Cathy Ames]

There is that. Spoon was a bad idea I'm not lying about the pain though. My brain literally shut the part of my memory away from me. Post traumatic stress protecting me or something. I suffered bad memory loss from the event and am still remembering thngs

Yeah, I had a head trauma about 16 months ago (knocked unconscious). I still have a big chunk of missing time that includes what happened immediately before the impact and some amount of time afterwards... I don't really know how long. It's scary if I let myself think about it too much.

 

[Interloper]

How hard would you have to hit your head to forget two months of your life?

People have died from hitting their head against the door of a kitchen cupboard, or from a simple fall on their head.

How is memory loss from brain injury not believable?

 

[Mofreeko]

People have died from hitting their head against the door of a kitchen cupboard, or from a simple fall on their head.

How is memory loss from brain injury not believable?

I'm just saying that this case seems to differ from the norm. Just disregard me if you disagree.

 

[JJJune]

I do really recommend people to read my whole post before commenting...

I have nothing to gain from "lying". Trust me or not. Believe me or think of full of shit. But I know what I experienced.

 

[Interloper]

I'm just saying that this case seems to differ from the norm. Just disregard me if you disagree.

I'm not necessarily disagreeing, just that the traumatic brain injury is from falling and hitting their head. If the other survivors didn't have the misfortune of slipping and falling on their head, then they're not going to mention that.

 

[Mofreeko]

I'm not necessarily disagreeing, just that the traumatic brain injury is from falling and hitting their head. If the other survivors didn't have the misfortune of slipping and falling on their head, then they're not going to mention that.

I'm not trying to be an asshole, it's just that every day there seems to be some post about SN that is very dramatic and differs from most other accounts and then everyone comes out of the woodwork to post on how scared shitless it made them. Maybe every single thing OP says is true, but I think it's beneficial to remind everyone that the pph gave SN a score of 7 for peacefulness for a reason and they really should decide for themselves and not let 1 random case that can't be proven or disproven scare them out of what very well could be a peaceful exit for them.

 

[UKscotty]

I am so glad the truth about SN is finally coming out. Thank you for your efforts.

The media here in the UK and some redditors managed to make it seem like some miracle CTB method.

The reality is far from that, it is complicated, relies on other drugs and is prone to failure.

 

[Jadzia]

I've read dozens of actual medical papers and case studies

I know this is a big ask, but I wondered if you could start a thread and post some of medical papers and case studies you've read, please?

I'm too unwell due to severe chronic illness to do much research. I'm always interested with what you post about SN as you seem to have a lot of knowledge. I'll understand if you don't want to

 

[👁️👃👁️]

I am so glad the truth about SN is finally coming out. Thank you for your efforts.

The media here in the UK and some redditors managed to make it seem like some miracle CTB method.

The reality is far from that, it is complicated, relies on other drugs and is prone to failure.

It doesn't rely on any medications. Comparing this method to several other methods, and the consequences from a failed attempt, this method is pretty high up there.

 

[Mofreeko]

I know this is a big ask, but I wondered if you could start a thread and post some of medical papers and case studies you've read, please?

I'm too unwell due to severe chronic illness to do much research. I'm always interested with what you post about SN as you seem to have a lot of knowledge. I'll understand if you don't want to

You can find tons just by googling SN suicide. I've also posted a bunch of stuff in my post history if you want to dig through that.

I am so glad the truth about SN is finally coming out. Thank you for your efforts.

The media here in the UK and some redditors managed to make it seem like some miracle CTB method.

The reality is far from that, it is complicated, relies on other drugs and is prone to failure.

I could send you a bunch of examples where the survivors of SN said it was painless and only survived due to being found or calling for help. It's actually rare to find a case as dramatic as this one. If you wouldn't be swayed by that you should ask yourself why you're only swayed by the negative cases.

 

[👁️👃👁️]

You can find tons just by googling SN suicide. I've also posted a bunch of stuff in my post history if you want to dig through that.

I could send you a bunch of examples where the survivors of SN said it was painless and only survived due to being found or calling for help. It's actually rare to find a case as dramatic as this one. If you wouldn't be swayed by that you should ask yourself why you're only swayed by the negative cases.

If you go through the rest of their post you'll see what their intention is.

 

[SectOfValtiel]

there is not a lot that makes someone seem more like a liar than them saying 'i have nothing to gain by lying'
there is *always* something to gain by lying, namely, attention is a BIG one
and to be frank
you sure got a lot of it with this thread being as contradictory to what most of us believe as it is

i agree, everything you say seems to be the complete opposite of what most of us have heard or read about SN- thats reason enough to doubt the legitimacy
plus you happen to have amnesia about the event? thats literally a textbook excuse, fiction is RIDDLED with it
and the fact you start defending yourself so heavily before people have even accused you...
whether youre telling the truth or not theres a lot of odd things about your story and denying that just seems kinda silly imo

but im also not an expert
i admit a lot of the reason i dont believe you is a gut feeling, and my gut isnt always the most accurate thing in the world
recent enough events have also made it practically impossible to trust people for me, so
take with that what you will i guess


ultimately? if youre lying, youre spreading misinformation in potentially the worst place you possibly could and i hope you take that to heart and reconsider
if you think youre 'saving' people, you are not, youre only pushing them towards even worse fates
even more painful deaths

if youre telling the truth, im sorry you had to live through something so awful
im sincerely glad you found some light left in your life after such a traumatic event and i hope things continue to go well for you
i truly do not wish those feelings on even my worst enemies... and no one deserves to be so wracked with pain they have to CTB just to escape it
i hope you continue to stay afloat and never have to succumb to that darkness ever again
because god knows if you were already driven that far by it, you dont deserve even a second more spent in pain

thats all i can say
dont take this as an accusation, just an opinion

 

[👁️👃👁️]

there is not a lot that makes someone seem more like a liar than them saying 'i have nothing to gain by lying'
there is *always* something to gain by lying, namely, attention is a BIG one
and to be frank
you sure got a lot of it with this thread being as contradictory to what most of us believe as it is

i agree, everything you say seems to be the complete opposite of what most of us have heard or read about SN- thats reason enough to doubt the legitimacy
plus you happen to have amnesia about the event? thats literally a textbook excuse, fiction is RIDDLED with it
and the fact you start defending yourself so heavily before people have even accused you...
whether youre telling the truth or not theres a lot of odd things about your story and denying that just seems kinda silly imo

but im also not an expert
i admit a lot of the reason i dont believe you is a gut feeling, and my gut isnt always the most accurate thing in the world
recent enough events have also made it practically impossible to trust people for me, so
take with that what you will i guess


ultimately? if youre lying, youre spreading misinformation in potentially the worst place you possibly could and i hope you take that to heart and reconsider
if you think youre 'saving' people, you are not, youre only pushing them towards even worse fates
even more painful deaths

if youre telling the truth, im sorry you had to live through something so awful
im sincerely glad you found some light left in your life after such a traumatic event and i hope things continue to go well for you
i truly do not wish those feelings on even my worst enemies... and no one deserves to be so wracked with pain they have to CTB just to escape it
i hope you continue to stay afloat and never have to succumb to that darkness ever again
because god knows if you were already driven that far by it, you dont deserve even a second more spent in pain

thats all i can say
dont take this as an accusation, just an opinion

I'm not saying I don't believe op, but what I am saying is that I always trust my gut instinct over anything. Anytime that I haven't trusted it I always regretted it.

Whatever happens OP I wish you the best.