Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[flunkky]

I'm at the eye doctors, i feel small, out of place, and most painfully alone.

I sat down in the chair where they scan the back of your eye, suddenly i wanted to cry so hard. Everything was suddenly so loud and overwhelming and i felt like a vein in the middle of my heart was being strung like an out of tune guitar string. I wanted to scream and cry and leave but still i stayed, taking it, keeping myself together.
There was silence for a bit after that, and i did the rest of the exams and lenses checks, then they asked me:
"Is it okay if we dilate your eyes today? We recommend all new patients do it!"
I didn't understand why they had to, i remember hating the feeling, it was already a shitty day and i just want to go home.
But wait
My home was just ripped from my bare hands, the person i felt at home with despite my horrible home life, they had left me. There was no home to go back to, no one even knew where i was, no one even knew i was gone, no one was there to tell me to be careful-- and most importantly

No one would be there to drive me home if i dilated my eyes.

And in that moment, i felt the smallest and most fragile i've felt in a long time.
No one was there for me, i was alone. No one was around to care or help.

And so, i said no, and as soon as they left the room i cried my eyes out.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

ive been keeping a schedule for a while now as suggested by my therapist just to make me do things and its meant i havent thought about ctbing for a while bc ive just been too preoccupied. it feels weird. i dont feel better about the future, ig ive just been too distracted to wallow in my own self pity. but i dont rly see the point. im still too useless to get a job. even though ive been "productive" im still just wasting time. idek why im doing it. i still dont want to be alive. i dont see a future for myself, ik im gonna be stuck living with my parents until either they or i die. that makes me feel like its not worth it. but tbh i cant be bothered to kill myself anymore, it seems like too much effort. but i hate living like this. i just feel so apathetic and empty. idk what the point of any of this is. i just feel like theres no point at all. but idk how to say that to my therapist, or if theres even any point in telling her. im just doing things for no reason and idk how much longer im gonna be able to force myself before i just give up entirely bc i dont see the point. im still just a waste of space. theres still too much suffering in the world. humans still suck. im still useless. whats the point. im losing contact with all my friends like i always do but this time i dont have anything like college to find new ones, so im gonna be completely alone again eventually. im not too bothered by that idea, i find people exhausting. but part of me rly craves just one deep connection with someone, but ik ill never have that bc of the way i am, so its useless clinging onto that idea. idk i just feel like theres no reason for me to be here. i genuinely am just a waste of space. not even in a self loathing way its just a fact. idk. my dog just farted again and it stinks of egg now lol

 

[Jabr0ni]

Exhausted. So exhausted of roleplaying as a normal, functioning adult.
I'm tired of pretending my emotions, pretending everything. I'm all alone in this fight even tough my family is the most loving one, for which I'm amazingly grateful, but at this point it does not matter at all.

I'm steamrolling through life and trauma. Lost my job due to depression and autistic burnout twice in one year, one additional time in a year prior. I take 2 days to decompress and right back to sending CVs and fighting for a pretended stability. Just because I want my parents to have normal and happy retirement.
I'd give away my organs just to feel like a normal human being for a day.

 

[Caleb82]

Abnormal. I feel abnormal

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

One minor setback and it feels like the world is collapsing. Not even really a setback, more of an annoyance. Something that I would have been able to just shrug off in the past, but now it feels overwhelming.

Don't even know why I'm so upset. I'll be gone by the end of the year, so it really doesn't matter.

 

[PinballWizard39]

In pain. I shouldn't really complain as I did it to myself but I have full thickness burns on my leg and whilst that isn't painful itself, the swelling really is. My leg is twice the size of the other one and every time I stand up, the blood rushes down it and I yelp out expletives for all to hear.

 

[FrownyFace]

I hate every single thing in my life and I just want to give away all my stuff to someone who will appreciate and then just die. I hate it here and I hate myself so badly and I feel cursed

 

[3/4Dead]

So very tired. Ready to quit. Everytime a new obstacle comes my way I just get closer and closer to taking the dive and dying now. I know I need more time, more planning, but christ it's just too much. maybe tomorrow will be better.

I need to start taking my sleeping medication,
not a related thought but still

 

[PinballWizard39]

Me and my sister used to be really close however since at least last year when our mum died, we've become quite distant. Saying that though, I do try to keep up the contact, message her, call her etc, but she either ignores it or just gives the shortest reply. She used to be the only one in our family who always had my back when it came to my poor mental health but now, for quite a while anyway, I get the feeling like when I'm not so good, she's very much like 'Oh, she's just having another one of her episodes, she'll be fine' and then never really bothers about me. One of the reasons I've not spoken to her about that side of things for ages is because I think that's what she thinks. However, I did try opening up to her over the past couple of days but she's pretty much ignoring me, not replying to my messages and when she does, it short and blunt sounding. After she ignored me again last night, I told her I needed my sister right now, and she's ignored me again. It's just all confirmed how I feel - like I don't matter.

 

[Surreal]

Calm, not scared. Almost everything is uninteresting to me. It's all so predictable.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm starting to get the urge to fall back into my self-destructive habits again. I want to do all of the shitty things I was doing just months back and more, from cutting and SHing to doing weird sexual things for random men online. I hated doing all of it and I was always left feeling shitty afterwards, but I find myself wanting to do it again. Sometimes I find myself wanting to fallback into even older habits, like starving myself (something I did back when I was in high school because I wanted to be skinnier before I died, despite already being thin). I don't plan on giving into those urges, despite a part of me deep down inside wanting to. A fucked up part of me misses it.

 

[Seaghost]

I'm stuck in my life.
After five years of silence the bureau wants money back. A four figure amount.
And after the really bad last week Im becoming to weak for this life again.
I get no answers to my questions. And I understand why some people become criminal because life is is criminal to you too.
I'm so fucking tired.

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Guilty. Been on here a load more in recent days and ended up piping up out of place in a few threads and just never know what point I'm trying to make or wanting to say - just wastes peoples time, or highlights how privileged/entitled I am and reminds me how ridiculous it is that I kick off so much about such trivial stuff. Just get back to being busy and just 'getting on'. I'm all grand when I need to be and I'm not throwing my arms about unnecesarily attention seeking and making a scene for no reason.

 

[Steff1337]

A bit of anxious and tired, but overall ok, better then most times.

 

[fleetingnight]

I have so much to do. It's all for nothing, because I'll ever accomplish anything, but I guess I'll be trying til I die
I slept for the first time in three days today. I want to repeat that, and I still have so much to do, but I'm already getting tired again. I kinda of want to give up, sleep, and regret it tomorrow

 

[Guy089001]

It's a lot more peaceful here than everywhere else in my life at the moment. I feel inexplicably drawn to death since I attempted in April. Just a lot better. Thanks everyone.

 

[sunflower_sunset]

I just watched the guy who racially profiled and abused my friend for years be signed to a rugby first team and I just don't understand why people get the best of this world when they don't deserve it. good things only happen to good people (the philosophy i adopted a while ago) so am I missing something?

 

[NullSz00]

You know what? I think I give up...

 

[1043169]

I think I don't deserve to eat that I'm too fat.

 

[Lostandlooking]

I've been very anxious. So many things going through my head. The particulars of some things I have to arrange, people I need to see, people I need to talk to, the exact things I should say in each of these circumstances. Also afraid that at any point someone is going to trigger me, or that things will not turn out well.

Today I had to call someone about making an appointment. They said they would get back to me because they needed to check their schedule. Waiting for something like that feels like torture. I was scared to go to the toilet because maybe they would call back at that exact moment. I hate that feeling. It's like being stuck, in a state of freeze maybe? At that moment, all I want in the world is for them to call me back with some sort of answer. Everything else stops. The suspense is so painful. And that lasted for hours. Pure torture. Doing slightly better after they finally called back.

 

[Lullaby]

God, I genuinely hate people. Probably now more than I've ever had.

My SI has been getting worse with my birthday coming up, and I'm convinced that I'm finally going to CTB within the next few years at least. I'm just tired and I don't want to spend my 30s like I did my 20s and well before that as a kid as well. My first attempt was when I was 11, so I'm just over this.

I decided I wanted to try ECT and set it up on my own. I had my first session on Tuesday and it was crazy. I walked into super depressed because I had cried all that morning and when I woke up from my procedure, I felt really good. They even added ketamine into the treatment and I think that's a big help.

The problem I'm having is I need someone to escort me home, even through I'm lucky enough to have medical transport. Literally no one wants to; not my parents, family, etc. I have absolutely no friends or anything.

It's just excuses and they've made it seem like they have better things to do or they don't feel like waiting or stuff like that.

My dad has a seizure and I'm always called last minute. I have to travel 40 minutes up to his city through public transportation, go to the hospital, take care of his dog. He wanted me to dog sit for him last year, with a few days notice and blew up at me because I couldn't.

No one ever wants to do anything I want for my birthday, so I have to do it alone, which is whatever. But this? It just really hurts and I'm so angry.

I have to cancel my next session for tomorrow because I can't find anyone and now people are starting to ignore my calls…I just feel like crying.

I'm never doing anymore favors for anyone ever again after this.

I'm really trying to make an effort despite wanting to die, and everything is still thrown at me from different directions.

 

[enduringwinter]

Suddenly remembered my favourite musician/actor CTB by jumping, it has been so long and I have always solely focused on just his art I forgot it almost. All of a sudden the brutality of the jump becomes so clear to me, it's making me lightheaded. The excruciating andrenaline of the fall, beautiful flesh all splattered on concrete. I have watched people die irl before but never so vioIent. In an age where we are desentisised to everything, how many of us really registers the kind of pain that leads to such desperate death?

 

[Maravillosa]

I feel stuffed (overate Lindt milk chocolates after going to dinner at El Pollo Loco). I also feel like I have to pee, but I don't want to get up.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I googled the words 'Sodium Nitrite' - in the most basic sense to see what info it came up with (I'm paranoid my team might find out I have SN and I just wondered what would come up on the first page of google if they googled it). It came up with the wiki page which blatantly referenced 'Sanctioned Suicide' as the website behind a lot of suicides. I'm sure a lot of you are probably away of this but I didn't realise it was so blatant. That got me thinking, if my team do find out I have SN, I'd probably want to delete my account on here in case they come looking for me on here.

 

[Rocinante]

Every day is a constant cycle of ups and downs. My irritability has become increasingly worse as time continues on. I wish I could get rid of the need of other's attention. Negative feedback loop. I should probably go through with it and deal with the depression that entails.

 

[fleetingnight]

Pain.
Wish me luck that this edible kicks in quickl;y. But it's my last one, so once it wears off, I might have to sleep off the day

 

[delora]

Ungrateful.

Oh, to have everything and enjoy nothing.

I'm no stranger to the word, but its circumstances are very different this time. I was once expected to show unwarranted gratitude toward someone who never did anything good for me. Now... I am being ungrateful toward a person who does all the good expecting absolutely nothing in return. And I don't think he even notices or reflects on this, but I do. A lot.

There's a specific kind of anguish about knowing that technically, you just shouldn't be feeling a certain way. It gets to a point where it makes no sense. It goes against what we are taught, what the world promises us, or what the mind uses to buy some time when you're running out of hope. You know, the old "just wait — because once you have this, achieve that, then the dread will go away". But maybe for some of us, it simply doesn't. Fighting to chase that life you've dreamed of, reaching it and in the end still being tormented by anxiety and sorrow... How disheartening.

Yet I am still here. That is something, though I'm not sure if positive. Perhaps not necessarily negative either, just... strange.
I do not know what to make of my own existence.

 

[moshimoshi]

Lonely

 

[Steff1337]

Mentally ok, but physically apparently I have some illness that's making me so tired all the time.

 

[PinballWizard39]

I just flat out depressed the man from the crisis team. I told him the pain I was feeling in my head is incompatible with life. He went silent and I had to ask if he was ok.