Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[terra.nuvo]

Tired. Always tired. I haven't showered in weeks and don't have the energy to. I need to get out of bed and do all the things that I need to do but I can't bring myself to. What is wrong with me? I'm so lazy and useless its appalling. I hate that I am this way. I hope that my medicine manager will help me get som adhd medicine that really works. I'm hoping something like adderall will take away the laziness and my tendency towards procrastination. That's if she even does decide to give me adderall. I've tried concerta but it literally did nothing. I hope she is willing to give me what I'm asking for. I feel like it is my last hope to be able to make it in this world. I have been a little more hopeful recently though. I finally feel like I have some sort of plan that I can stick with. Or at least one that seems like I can stick with. I hope life goes well for me and that I am able to live a life that I feel like is worth living. I'm still missing my ex best friend a lot. He's always on my mind. Sometime all I think about is him. I love him so much. Or at least the idea of him. At one point he was all I ever wanted in this world but now we are nothing to each other and that hurts me. It hurts even more that he doesn't care. How could someone who says that you are their highest priority end up not caring about you at all? A big part of me is really sad that I forced us apart. But another part of me feels like it had to be done. We would've ended up falling off anyways. I just needed to rip off the bandaid. And I did. And it hurt like hell and still hurts like hell to this day. I will never forget the pain of losing him. I just hope I can find somebody new who makes me feel even better than the way he made me feel. Someone who means what they say when they tell me they love me. But I'm scared I'll never find that person. I'm 23 and have never been in a relationship and can't even begin to imagine myself in one. What if I never find love? What if I'm alone my whole life? These questions constantly run through my head and I always come to the conclusion that I won't find love. So I need to learn to live without it and be ok.

 

[BlendedHeart]

I wish my dreams went back to be silly or surreal. My subconscious is torturing me with visions of things that won't ever be: Old friends contacting me, lost love, a happy life. I have the worst feeling waking up from those dreams and realizing they're just that.

 

[wCvML2]

Both hopeless and hopeful, for different reasons. But then there is always this looming sense of impending doom or a fear of everything going wrong.

 

[let.me.let.go87]

Scare to live and scared to die. Sick of people. They'd all rather judge me. So few actually wanna help. I have like 7k mg of seroquel and I'm so tempted to take it all and jump off the cliff at Adam's canyon but last time I tried to kill myself I got chased by a dozen cops and tased three times and I kept ripping the tasers out and the cops looked at me as if I was possessed and I was white sheeted for three weeks (commitment) and I can't deal with that shit again. I just wanna die

 

[ConfusedClouds]

Annoyed with myself. Got so pissed off with a customer chancing their luck at work that I momentarily froze and couldn't get words out to tell them off/to move (safety rules I am expected to enforce). Eventually blabbed some bs and they moved but I was fuming - way OTT for such a trivial event/scenario.

I hate this about myself. Build up such simple stuff so big internally but then not able to express frustrations or explanations without turning into a totally out of proportion rant or taking up far too much brain power/time. But nor can I just forget and move on. And then I get the dilemma of whether this needs bottling up because its so irrelevant I need to not allow it to get to me, but then others accuse me of hiding things but I then can't explain how I'm really not but kinda am. And the spiral and loss of words continues. So shut myself up even more. But equally there's nothing to be said, so I'm not shutting myself up. So annoying.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm starting to wish that I hadn't told my parents about the whole SH and suicide thing. I want to go back to cutting so badly right now. I hate being alive. I can't stand it. It's funny, because my life isn't even that bad yet I want to die. I don't feel like I fit in anywhere, even on here. I wish I didn't throw away all my razors.

 

[CTB Dream]

Rly this wthr keep incrs hot no posbl do any

 

[PinballWizard39]

I have my psych today. This'll be fun. Talking over me and not listening. I predict I shall feel even more shitty afterwards. I have the crisis team visiting afterwards - feels like a waste of time. Tried calling them last night but I just got the impression that they weren't bothered and didn't want to listen. A 7 minute 'conversation' confirmed that.

 

[mbvlover32]

volatile; happy that i have the summer off and i can finally take a break from being an institutionalized zombie for 2 months yet informed that time fucking flies when you are an optimistic prick and that i will be back to the tired worthless zombie that adulthood offers!

 

[PinballWizard39]

I told my psych that I had plans to end my life, probably in the next few weeks, and he never bat an eyelid. All he heard was 'I don't give up easily..' and ignored 'but I can't and don't want to do it anymore'. In some ways it's good because I don't want anyone to take my means, but I mean, I guess it would be nice to feel like he gave a crap. All he said was that he'd fight my case for therapy in a big meeting he was having today and that I need to hold on to hope. I told him my hope had fucked off and I had none.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm not feeling great. It's weird because my urges to SH weren't to bad up until this point, but now I find myself wanting to relapse. I tried using that fatal to flesh website but it's not enough. My suicidal ideation is starting to come back too. I feel like about to fall back into the shitty place I was in just a few months prior. I have some shrooms so I may try microdosing on them and see if that helps. I also feel like I'm gaining weight so I am going to try and eat less. My weight went back down when I got back from that trip (130lbs to 126lbs), but I feel like I've been eating too much lately. A part of me wants to go back to where I left off during my path of self-destruction. I love my parents but I can't help but also resent them for giving birth to me. I hate this. I don't even have any reason to feel this way or do all of the shitty things that I do yet here I am. Maybe I was just born this way and there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe I'm just fighting against my own nature at this point.


Edit: Now I just feel disgusted after making the mistake of reading this article:


Imagine writing an article in which you go into detail about how you are thirsting after underweight teenagers! Why?! Why the fuck would you type this shit!? WTF!!!??

Edit 2: I went through some of his other articles and the man is just fucked up in the head. Now I feel worse for wasting my time reading this trash.

Edit 3: The pfp he uses (on Medium) isn't even of him. He also talks about being a feminist and being against hemophobia despite having written shit that is misogynistic and that borders on homophobia. It turns out he also has his own website. I am now sad, as I wish I could read the newsletters on there because I want to see how insane they are, but sadly they are members only.

Sorry for the weird rant about this Bryon dude, but this shit is so insane that I couldn't help myself. I'm so distracted by all of this that I don't feel like shit anymore, so there's that.

 

[enduringwinter]

I feel so bitter and hurt seeing the mundane things other people fall back on: family, routine, being decent at their work, living peacefully at their hometown.

 

[fleetingnight]

Guilty, too guilty to even explain about what

 

[3/4Dead]

God dude. so tired. everytime theres a few minutes where I can sit still and just think all I want is to be dead, I feel like I'm lost at sea, as though I started by panicking and now ive gradually become more accepting of my situation. More despondent. Anxiety eating me alive but gritting through it as best as possible.

hate everything. just want to be done. dying is too hard struggling to even do that.

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

I'm not feeling great. It's weird because my urges to SH weren't to bad up until this point, but now I find myself wanting to relapse. I tried using that fatal to flesh website but it's not enough. My suicidal ideation is starting to come back too. I feel like about to fall back into the shitty place I was in just a few months prior. I have some shrooms so I may try microdosing on them and see if that helps. I also feel like I'm gaining weight so I am going to try and eat less. My weight went back down when I got back from that trip (130lbs to 126lbs), but I feel like I've been eating too much lately. A part of me wants to go back to where I left off during my path of self-destruction. I love my parents but I can't help but also resent them for giving birth to me. I hate this. I don't even have any reason to feel this way or do all of the shitty things that I do yet here I am. Maybe I was just born this way and there's nothing I can do about it. Maybe I'm just fighting against my own nature at this point.


Edit: Now I just feel disgusted after making the mistake of reading this article:


Imagine writing an article in which you go into detail about how you are thirsting after underweight teenagers! Why?! Why the fuck would you type this shit!? WTF!!!??

Edit 2: I went through some of his other articles and the man is just fucked up in the head. Now I feel worse for wasting my time reading this trash.

Edit 3: The pfp he uses (on Medium) isn't even of him. He also talks about being a feminist and being against hemophobia despite having written shit that is misogynistic and that borders on homophobia. It turns out he also has his own website. I am now sad, as I wish I could read the newsletters on there because I want to see how insane they are, but sadly they are members only.

Sorry for the weird rant about this Bryon dude, but this shit is so insane that I couldn't help myself. I'm so distracted by all of this that I don't feel like shit anymore, so there's that.

I've become a big fan of the thinspo subreddit recently, not because I'm trying to get my body together (that ship has long since sailed), but because those chicks are frickin' hot!



Sounds like a huge douchebag !!!!!!

 

[3/4Dead]

I hate being trans, dysphoria is an absolute monster, if I could wake up cis tomorrow I would.
I'm a 90/10 bisexual, i'd say, with a strong preference for men. I do not engage in romantic relationships, and I do not plan on having sex ever. As much as I would appreciate feeling loved, and desirable, it would be far more trouble than it's worth. I am far too insecure to be with anyone, and I would certainly project those insecurites onto my partner in a negative way.

I don't want to be with a "bisexual" man who is just "okay" with what I am, I want to be with a man the way a cis man is, I want to be desired by a man the way a cis man is. I don't want to be with a man who is settling for me, I want him to want me. I don't want to be with a man who finds me "different" or "exciting". Why be in a relationship, sexual or romantic, when it won't be what I want? When I'll be unhappy try?

I hardly want to be with a woman, as I am just less attracted to them. I would feel a different, but definetly equal amount of immasculinization (i dont think that's a word but im upset and trying to make point) from that as well.

It eats me alive knowing that no other man, and probably no woman for that matter, will see me the way I so desprately need. I'm not even upset that I'll be alone, I'm upset that it's my fault, that I'm too insecure and too afraid, to even try. It would break me to be with a man, to develop feelings for him, and realize that I am not a man to him.

I don't want this body, I don't want this life, I don't want any of it.

 

[AmberianDawn]

i feel like i have to struggle to overcome my traumas, but at the same time i just want to give up...

 

[mangledjaws]

I need to be ruptured in a car engine left to never be discovered in the woods

 

[BlendedHeart]

Got robbed today. Some scumbag piece of shit stole my phone. I fucking hate the world. Police is useless. People is trash.

Don't want to go outside no more.

 

[fleetingnight]

So much physical pain this morning. It hurts so much. I wish I could cancel all my plans, but there are people counting on me. I don't want to just sleep my days away, anyways, I just want it to stop hurting. I know there's no use in being bitter, but it's so unfair that some people wake up without excruciating pain and don't even have to worry about it. I can't really say I don't deserve it, but I know a lot of people who deserve a fate at least as bad, and get to wake up without any trouble. I don't rlly believe in karma or anything, so I'm not surprised, just irritated

 

[EvisceratedJester]

My suicidal ideation is starting to ramp back up again, so that's great./s

I keep on thinking about buying a pencil sharpener at school and taking out the blade and using it to cut my thighs. I know I shouldn't, especially since I promised my parents not to SH anymore, but I want to so badly. Why is it that I can never feel okay for longer than a few months (if I'm lucky)? It's just frustrating. I wish they had aborted me or had just worn a condom instead of deciding to have me. Sometimes I think it's cruel to reproduce. Why am I even like this? I have no reason to be like this. I'm not mentally ill, I have no past trauma, and I come from a loving family, so why is it that I have ended up like this? It doesn't make any sense.

 

[BlendedHeart]

I want to die I want to die I want to die I want to die

 

[Forever Sleep]

I feel exhausted and I've got so much work to do. I think I've hit the wall today though.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

My suicidal ideation is starting to ramp back up again, so that's great./s

I keep on thinking about buying a pencil sharpener at school and taking out the blade and using it to cut my thighs. I know I shouldn't, especially since I promised my parents not to SH anymore, but I want to so badly. Why is it that I can never feel okay for longer than a few months (if I'm lucky)? It's just frustrating. I wish they had aborted me or had just worn a condom instead of deciding to have me. Sometimes I think it's cruel to reproduce. Why am I even like this? I have no reason to be like this. I'm not mentally ill, I have no past trauma, and I come from a loving family, so why is it that I have ended up like this? It doesn't make any sense.

I finally gave in. I only gave myself catscratches so I won't have to worry about any noticeable scarring on my thigh. My suicidal ideation just kept on getting worse and worse as the day went on. I was having trouble concentrating on today's lecture because of it. I wish I could cut deeper, but I'm too scared about them finding out that I have relapsed.

Edit: Fuck! It just hit me that I cut too low so now I have to make sure that I to wear long pants until they heal. Now I'm worried that they will scar.

 

[PinballWizard39]

Sick of being labelled. I'm sick of a crisis team changing the subject when I try to talk about suicide and self harm. I'm sick of people talking down to me and then refusing to acknowledge that's what they're doing - obviously it's just me because you know, I'm the patient.
The only good thing about my psych appt is the extra meds he's giving me - should numb me out and knock me out enough that I can tolerate life a bit more. Saying that, that's bollocks. Meds just delay the inevitable and make me calmer , so in essence, easier to ctb.

 

[3/4Dead]

Held a gun for the first time. Things started to feel very real; not that it didn't feel real before, and it still did before, but I could literally do it tonight. I could go to a secluded parking lot with an abandoned building in it and shoot myself there and be done. I'm really gonna do this. I was always going to but I'm really going to kill myself. I don't know, but, I think I'm scared.

I still need to write notes, and get rid of my things but I'm so overwhelmed now. It's the same way I've felt before when first deciding I would die. I'm taking my time but the clock is ticking.

 

[Lostandlooking]

I've been feeling like crap the last couple of weeks. Anxiety is spiking. I can't help imagining things in my mind. I have imaginary conversations in my head with people who hurt me in the past, though I'll never have to speak to those people again. I'm imagining being in situations where similar traumatizing things might happen in the future. I'm playing out difficult conversations that I'll be having in the near future and all the ways that they could invalidate me and force me to do something I'm not able to do. I imagine losing my income, having to fight for months to get it back. And I consider that this may turn out unsuccessful. I'm also trying to bolster myself to really follow through on suicide if things turn out disastrous. I'm also trying to approach this in a matter of fact way. If things turn south. At some point I have to start lying to people about my suicidal intentions in order to successfully follow through. I'm also aware that my distress is something that's incomprehensible to 'normal' people. Everything about this is making me feel hopeless and powerless. Every single day is a struggle. If you'd ask me I'd say that I'm getting triggered because of previous trauma. But I'm doubtful it will be believed. Thank god for benzos, weed and alcohol. I've also tried some healthy alternatives to sooth my anxiety but they generally do nothing. Exercise, breathing exercises, dumping my head in ice cold water, holding ice cubes against my neck. It literally does nothing. Ugh I'm so sick of it. Just gritting my teeth and bearing the discomfort and pain at the moment.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

I'm not feeling great, though I'm feeling a bit better in comparison to yesterday. I have an exam later today and I'm probably going to fail it. I'm just so tired of all of this. I'm so tired of being alive.

 

[imissmycat]

The buzz of my meds wore off. Ran out of beer. Don't want to go outside. Reading and writing on this site distracted me from painful thoughts for now.

 

[PinballWizard39]

Went to the burns clinic again today. My leg isn't healing as quick as expected. They tried cutting off as much dead tissue as they could and said that should help the fluid loss from the wound. They stuck a smaller dressing patch on and and less than 4 hours later, in a very public manner, fluid started gushing down my leg and all over my foot and floor. I had to arrive at my nail appointment (rare treat) with fricking leg juice everywhere and had to ask if she had anything I could stuff it with until I got home. Luckily I know the woman so it was fine, but still, it's embarrassing. Now some of the dead tissue has been removed, you can see how deep it is. I got upset, and I'm still upset that I did this to myself - the realisation and knowledge of that, is fucking hard, and terrifying.