Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Rose Mirren]

No joy left ... It's got to end next year for real. Darkness has nearly swallowed me whole... I don't need light at the end of the tunnel. Just eternal nothingness.

I get this. So many people want for there to be an afterlife but for me, I just want everything to end when I die. One life is way too much already, I don't need a life after this.

 

[Rose Mirren]

My pink didn't take evenly :(" but I applied it evenly. Ugh! Lol! It's a semipermanent color and I have stuff to remove it easy but I was excited for it to turn out. My hair has been my ongoing project lately lol! I'm trying to keep it light but just not bleach blond. It's a bit too light for my complexion.

Oh no :( Was it the dye, maybe? Like the quality?
Mine started as an ombre dark brown to platinum gray, but the gray has since faded into a nice ash brown.

 

[Final Escape]

Oh no :( Was it the dye, maybe? Like the quality?
Mine started as an ombre dark brown to platinum gray, but the gray has since faded into a nice ash brown.

Not sure lol! I felt like the hair color gel was not concentrated enough. It's color intensity by joico in rose pink. It's not like awful awful but maybe my hair was too porous.

 

[slowlystarve]

like no one cares about me beyond what they can get out of me
pissed off and lonely and sad

 

[2211264]

Tired. Dont want to keep playing along. Like how people say things can and will change. I do know that it can change,but ill just keep repeating the same thing, nothing will change really, it will only get worse. If i try to and somehow "change" then ill just become a semblance of a person with no real self or integrity

* edited for grammar and minor rephrasing
(I didnt think and just typed like the OP instructed)

 

[silentinbetween]

Heavy and bittersweet. I miss back when. I miss people I used to think I loved. The sea in my head is calm but cold and I don't know how I will find the strength to meet tomorrow. I wish I could go to sleep knowing I could rest for as long as I needed too. I keep on remembering their voices or the times we had or even the way they smelled, goddamnit. It's hard to believe that I'm alone, but I think I'm starting to accept that fact again. I'm just tired.

 

[GreenLantern]

I just learned the lead singer of Vanity 6 died 2 years ago. She was gorgeous. I wish their group would've been more successful. They were considered too raunchy.

 

[Nerdyartist85]

Broken...and a bit selfish.

I've reflected lately on the slew of mental health professionals and hospitals I've been in (and all the medication and lifestyle changes I've made), but nothing seems to improve the emptiness and hopelessness. I'm starting to believe I'm shattered and unfixable.

The worse thing is I have a small handful of people who seem to genuinely care, and all I can think about is how I'm a burden to them and they'd be better off in the long run without me. Then I feel guilty for thinking this.

I'm tired, but I feel I'm being held back from what I feel I need to do.

 

[15dec]

I feel you. It's a disturbing kind of peace. Hard to explain.

Yeah. Feeling peaceful because I know I'll ctb soon but the idea of death still unnerves me

 

[SadHoe]

Sadness, emptiness, anxiety and I just want to see my friends but I want them to hate me so they don't feel anything when I cbt

 

[letmeseethedeath]

I feel tired of everything. of life, of commitments, of being active in society, of having "duties" towards the family. I feel like nobody cares about me. as if every second that I lived more on this world was wasted time and causes me only more pain. I don't sleep at all, I eat little and nothing, I always think about how nice it would be if I closed my eyes forever, if my life stopped here. No problem would touch me anymore. Another useless life left. I think about wanting to have more courage for ctb and consequently all this suffering would end, there would only be peace.

 

[ausboy96]

A friend of a friend died the other day. I'm so jealous that he got to die and not me. He was full of life and died in an accident, and I'm a waste of life and have to keep on living because I'm too chicken shit to CTB. Life sucks.

 

[Jodes]

hate thinking about feelings

 

[Idorus]

My verry best old friend is terminal and I'm visiting him everyday (like I did for 15 years). We hug we kiss which we never did before. I think I'm ready to accept he can go any moment now...

@ not sure.. who knows I might be irreparably devastated after a passing for the very 1st time.

 

[Jodes]

Can't wait to see the tank. Wish I coukd CTB in the near future I just feel so fucking selfish, i hate this trap we're born into

 

[CFLoser]

I am a real fucking idiot. I thought things would just magically improve if I went to a mental hospital, but all it did was make my parents put more pressure on me to go out and socialize.
I really REALLY messed up not killing myself last Wednesday. I am the shittiest human alive. Real trash quality.

 

[Jodes]

I am a real fucking idiot. I thought things would just magically improve if I went to a mental hospital, but all it did was make my parents put more pressure on me to go out and socialize.
I really REALLY messed up not killing myself last Wednesday. I am the shittiest human alive. Real trash quality.

Sorry it worked out like that :(

 

[Jodes]

d

I am a real fucking idiot. I thought things would just magically improve if I went to a mental hospital, but all it did was make my parents put more pressure on me to go out and socialize.
I really REALLY messed up not killing myself last Wednesday. I am the shittiest human alive. Real trash quality.

Don't blame yourself, you did a scary thing for those around you and put in the effort, be proud how far you got

 

[therhydler]

WHY AM I ME

 

[Herbalpompano75]

Completely worthless I can't eat breathe it hurts to smile I can't work and honestly I think I'll just leave even though I have bills I just don't care anymore I can't stop thinking about her and how she was the only thing truly the only thing keeping me going she was the only reason I got up in the morning and woke to this shitty life I've lost interest in my hobby and job (same thing) every little thing makes me think of her I scratch my ear and I just remember her talking for hours about what kind of piercing she wanted and her next tattoo I can't go outside I thought going to my cousins would help but this farm just makes me think of her and how she loved horses and these kids just make me wish I could have kids with her I'm really starting to realize my world revolved around her she was my world and now I'm back to the old life I had the horrible useless life and the only thing that remotely helps is trying to hate her but it's so hard to hate someone your still in love with I can't listen to music every song just has something that makes me think of her this withdrawal is killing me I'd rather have a withdrawal from drugs but this is eating me alive emotionally physically mentally I'm just always sick to my stomach and I feel so pathetic and weak I hate talking about it it makes me seem like a pussy weak and stupid I've already been told i just want attention so I've stopped trying to talk to people no one likes me no one ever has and no ever will everyone has always ignored me so I stopped caring and now when I truly need someone just to talk to someone to be my friend it's just the same story they don't care I regret stopping myself from pulling that trigger I remember I pulled the action back and popped a round into the chamber flipped the safety and pointed the barrel right in between my eyes I couldn't stop crying I couldn't breathe I couldn't stop shaking I remember putting my finger in the trigger and being a gun freak I've shot a lot of nice guns but I decided to get a cheap one and it has a slight play in the trigger and I started pushing and I felt it pop and I knew I knew exactly when this gun shot and I knew if I went a hair a literal hair more and it would go off but I had no note my cousins loved me my uncle and aunt loved me and they needed something I was scared of what would come after would the pain even go away or would I just have to live with it for the rest of my existence or would I just float off into darkness and feel nothing would there be a hell or a heaven where would I go idk I just want the pain to go away but I was stupid I was so scared I called my cousin and forced myself to leave and stay with them get myself away from that gun and away from my life

 

[therhydler]

Completely worthless I can't eat breathe it hurts to smile I can't work and honestly I think I'll just leave even though I have bills I just don't care anymore I can't stop thinking about her and how she was the only thing truly the only thing keeping me going she was the only reason I got up in the morning and woke to this shitty life I've lost interest in my hobby and job (same thing) every little thing makes me think of her I scratch my ear and I just remember her talking for hours about what kind of piercing she wanted and her next tattoo I can't go outside I thought going to my cousins would help but this farm just makes me think of her and how she loved horses and these kids just make me wish I could have kids with her I'm really starting to realize my world revolved around her she was my world and now I'm back to the old life I had the horrible useless life and the only thing that remotely helps is trying to hate her but it's so hard to hate someone your still in love with I can't listen to music every song just has something that makes me think of her this withdrawal is killing me I'd rather have a withdrawal from drugs but this is eating me alive emotionally physically mentally I'm just always sick to my stomach and I feel so pathetic and weak I hate talking about it it makes me seem like a pussy weak and stupid I've already been told i just want attention so I've stopped trying to talk to people no one likes me no one ever has and no ever will everyone has always ignored me so I stopped caring and now when I truly need someone just to talk to someone to be my friend it's just the same story they don't care I regret stopping myself from pulling that trigger I remember I pulled the action back and popped a round into the chamber flipped the safety and pointed the barrel right in between my eyes I couldn't stop crying I couldn't breathe I couldn't stop shaking I remember putting my finger in the trigger and being a gun freak I've shot a lot of nice guns but I decided to get a cheap one and it has a slight play in the trigger and I started pushing and I felt it pop and I knew I knew exactly when this gun shot and I knew if I went a hair a literal hair more and it would go off but I had no note my cousins loved me my uncle and aunt loved me and they needed something I was scared of what would come after would the pain even go away or would I just have to live with it for the rest of my existence or would I just float off into darkness and feel nothing would there be a hell or a heaven where would I go idk I just want the pain to go away but I was stupid I was so scared I called my cousin and forced myself to leave and stay with them get myself away from that gun and away from my life

<3

 

[[NoName]]

Rushed, and know I should be panicking. I have two tests due in less than two hours. I wish I cared more, but also kind of glad I don't.

 

[TooLate2582]

Despair

 

[VikehJay]

Apprehension. That things can only get worse and worse, and you are running out of magic tricks to fix things.

 

[Jodes]

Just want to go soon

 

[Misanthrope]

Like I am surrounded by dangerous insanity and we call it society. There is no way to live but drop out either.

 

[TheNorthernSilence]

Like a ghost or an alien. Sad. I can't seem to get anything done right.

 

[Rose Mirren]

Tired. Dont want to keep playing along. Like how people say things can and will change. I do know that it can change,but ill just keep repeating the same thing, nothing will change really, it will only get worse. If i try to and somehow "change" then ill just become a semblance of a person with no real self or integrity

* edited for grammar and minor rephrasing
(I didnt think and just typed like the OP instructed)

Same here. I've held on to hope for so long thinking that things might change... Well, yeah they changed... for the worse.

 

[Rose Mirren]

Broken...and a bit selfish.

I've reflected lately on the slew of mental health professionals and hospitals I've been in (and all the medication and lifestyle changes I've made), but nothing seems to improve the emptiness and hopelessness. I'm starting to believe I'm shattered and unfixable.

The worse thing is I have a small handful of people who seem to genuinely care, and all I can think about is how I'm a burden to them and they'd be better off in the long run without me. Then I feel guilty for thinking this.

I'm tired, but I feel I'm being held back from what I feel I need to do.

I get this. My doctors genuinely try, I think, but at this point, my primary psych told me he's started considering electroshock therapy... I don't think I want that. It's been two days since I stopped taking meds. They've stopped working many days before that so I thought, "Why bother?"

Weirdly enough, there are (seemingly) a lot of people who care about me but then that also kind of makes it worse? Can't help thinking that's a lot that I'm going to disappoint when I CBT....

 

[Rose Mirren]

I feel tired of everything. of life, of commitments, of being active in society, of having "duties" towards the family. I feel like nobody cares about me. as if every second that I lived more on this world was wasted time and causes me only more pain. I don't sleep at all, I eat little and nothing, I always think about how nice it would be if I closed my eyes forever, if my life stopped here. No problem would touch me anymore. Another useless life left. I think about wanting to have more courage for ctb and consequently all this suffering would end, there would only be peace.

I hear you. I hate having to conform to society. I hate pretending to be okay every single damn day with every single interaction I have with anyone because if they know something's wrong, they'd get concerned and idk that just makes it worse I'm already a burden to myself, I don't want to burden anyone else.