Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Rose Mirren]

Completely worthless I can't eat breathe it hurts to smile I can't work and honestly I think I'll just leave even though I have bills I just don't care anymore I can't stop thinking about her and how she was the only thing truly the only thing keeping me going she was the only reason I got up in the morning and woke to this shitty life I've lost interest in my hobby and job (same thing) every little thing makes me think of her I scratch my ear and I just remember her talking for hours about what kind of piercing she wanted and her next tattoo I can't go outside I thought going to my cousins would help but this farm just makes me think of her and how she loved horses and these kids just make me wish I could have kids with her I'm really starting to realize my world revolved around her she was my world and now I'm back to the old life I had the horrible useless life and the only thing that remotely helps is trying to hate her but it's so hard to hate someone your still in love with I can't listen to music every song just has something that makes me think of her this withdrawal is killing me I'd rather have a withdrawal from drugs but this is eating me alive emotionally physically mentally I'm just always sick to my stomach and I feel so pathetic and weak I hate talking about it it makes me seem like a pussy weak and stupid I've already been told i just want attention so I've stopped trying to talk to people no one likes me no one ever has and no ever will everyone has always ignored me so I stopped caring and now when I truly need someone just to talk to someone to be my friend it's just the same story they don't care I regret stopping myself from pulling that trigger I remember I pulled the action back and popped a round into the chamber flipped the safety and pointed the barrel right in between my eyes I couldn't stop crying I couldn't breathe I couldn't stop shaking I remember putting my finger in the trigger and being a gun freak I've shot a lot of nice guns but I decided to get a cheap one and it has a slight play in the trigger and I started pushing and I felt it pop and I knew I knew exactly when this gun shot and I knew if I went a hair a literal hair more and it would go off but I had no note my cousins loved me my uncle and aunt loved me and they needed something I was scared of what would come after would the pain even go away or would I just have to live with it for the rest of my existence or would I just float off into darkness and feel nothing would there be a hell or a heaven where would I go idk I just want the pain to go away but I was stupid I was so scared I called my cousin and forced myself to leave and stay with them get myself away from that gun and away from my life

Hey. Just wanted to let you know we're all practically strangers in this site, but people here listen. No one here would ever think you're just "asking for attention" (f*cking hate this phrase). Thanks for sharing this and I hope unloading what's on your mind gave you even just a little bit of comfort.

 

[Rose Mirren]

Rushed, and know I should be panicking. I have two tests due in less than two hours. I wish I cared more, but also kind of glad I don't.

I'm in uni right now in what's supposedly my last sem. It's finals. Deadlines have passed and I still have to submit a lot of my shit. I don't even know if I still can. Last sem, I pushed myself too hard and ended up attempting to CTB twice (failed both times). Trying to keep myself from attempting again these days, but who knows...

Just wanted to let u know ure not the only one having it rough in school (coz sometimes it seems that way). Hope you pass your tests though!

 

[Sundayafternoon]

I just finished watching a YT video that made angry/sad. It reminded me that I have NO allies.

I was about to delete my account. I feel like the majority of the members here wouldn't find me worth their time for one or two reasons so well beyond my control.

 

[[NoName]]

I'm in uni right now in what's supposedly my last sem. It's finals. Deadlines have passed and I still have to submit a lot of my shit. I don't even know if I still can. Last sem, I pushed myself too hard and ended up attempting to CTB twice (failed both times). Trying to keep myself from attempting again these days, but who knows...

Just wanted to let u know ure not the only one having it rough in school (coz sometimes it seems that way). Hope you pass your tests though!

Thank you!

Managed to turn them in in time.

 

[Jane Doe]

disassociated. Having some kind of
existential crisis

 

[Crest33]

I have picked a date.

 

[Jane Doe]

I have picked a date.

Happy for you

 

[Crest33]

Happy for you

Makes me uncomfortable in a way

 

[Nerdyartist85]

I get this. My doctors genuinely try, I think, but at this point, my primary psych told me he's started considering electroshock therapy... I don't think I want that. It's been two days since I stopped taking meds. They've stopped working many days before that so I thought, "Why bother?"

Weirdly enough, there are (seemingly) a lot of people who care about me but then that also kind of makes it worse? Can't help thinking that's a lot that I'm going to disappoint when I CBT....

I wouldn't be too open to electroshock therapy either.

I think having people who do care does make it harder when we decide to ctb. I just see it as I'm a burden and a stressor to them, and my death (while sad) will give them some relief over time. I'm convinced that they will see later how better life is without having to worry about me or care for me (kind of like how an abuse victim sees the world as better when they escapes their abuser).

Or this is the thought process I like to hold on to.

 

[creationisdeath]

I'm sad about how I never experienced life in a positive way. Never a moment of tranquility and inner peace.
Mad about how I was stupid enough to stick with people who didn't truly care for me for decades.
Now I'm lonely and spend most of my time in terror. Not even sleep calms me down.

 

[jade]

extremely guilty and pissed off bc my therapists and girlfriend keep telling me "we can see that you dont wanna get better, it's obvious" and fuck, i thought i was faking well enough for them to not worry about me.

also my bday is coming up and it makes me sad as hell. another wasted year of self destruction.

also kinda excited to finally have a method that works 100% for me

a huge mess. sending hugs to you all. x

 

[Herbalpompano75]

Hey. Just wanted to let you know we're all practically strangers in this site, but people here listen. No one here would ever think you're just "asking for attention" (f*cking hate this phrase). Thanks for sharing this and I hope unloading what's on your mind gave you even just a little bit of comfort.

Thank you that's why I'm on here cause I've tried to talk to so many people and they just don't care so far the people here are the only ones that have been supporting and the closest thing to a real family that I have thank you i just feel like a burden to my cousins and uncle

 

[Fyrinne]

Hollow... Like I know I can't kill myself and I don't have any reason to live...

Like I've found magic, love, the pure and wonderful thing I wanted, and I fucked it up. Like there's someone I still love who I don't know how they feel about me, or if I'll ever see them again... Like I'm tired of looking, and yet it's literally all I can do because I can't get my hands on a gun to put a fucking bullet in my brain.

I... I just want to feel something again, or not feel anything at all forever... I want to stop waking up in pain, or stop waking up at all... I want someone to kiss me, and tell me they love me, and tell me it'll be okay... Or I just want the feelings to stop...

At this point, I literally don't care which it is... I'll shower someone with all the love I can give, if I could just find someone who actually made me feel it again. Someone who wants what I want... And if that's not something I can have, then fuck it... Just fucking kill me so I can be done. I don't care which... I just don't want to wake up lonely again tomorrow... I don't care what it takes to stop that.

 

[Herbalpompano75]

Hollow... Like I know I can't kill myself and I don't have any reason to live...

Like I've found magic, love, the pure and wonderful thing I wanted, and I fucked it up. Like there's someone I still love who I don't know how they feel about me, or if I'll ever see them again... Like I'm tired of looking, and yet it's literally all I can do because I can't get my hands on a gun to put a fucking bullet in my brain.

I... I just want to feel something again, or not feel anything at all forever... I want to stop waking up in pain, or stop waking up at all... I want someone to kiss me, and tell me they love me, and tell me it'll be okay... Or I just want the feelings to stop...

At this point, I literally don't care which it is... I'll shower someone with all the love I can give, if I could just find someone who actually made me feel it again. Someone who wants what I want... And if that's not something I can have, then fuck it... Just fucking kill me so I can be done. I don't care which... I just don't want to wake up lonely again tomorrow... I don't care what it takes to stop that.

I'm so sorry I just feel I need to apologize for what this world has done too you and me and many people like us it's just cruel it's wrong and this feeling of loneliness and betrayal like no one cares and no one ever will like it doesn't matter what you do they just keep stabbing you in the back and dragons you through the mud I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and trust me there are a few people I truly hate but they don't deserve this no one does no one should have to feel like the only way to get rid of the pain to finally be happy is to end it all it's wrong no one should feel like that and I'm so sorry too everyone no matter what your going through it's wrong and I'm sorry

 

[divinized]

tired, and shitty.

 

[hazeyjane]

Foggy and dumb

 

[ReadyasEver]

Believe or not, feeling much better mentality. Let me explain, I'm going to die in 12-18 months whether I CTB or not. Nature has plotted that course already. This and reading all the stories does not make me sad, it makes me at ease with the common plight so many of us have. I still feel pretty good physically and will for another month or two, so now I prepare. For me, it's about going out on my own terms. But the mental roller coaster at times is no different for me than anyone else. Hopefully all of us can find that inner resolution to plot our course for CTB. I gain a little more strength each day in this manner, and some of it comes from the many shared experiences on this site.

 

[jaemus12]

TLDR: a load of bullshit straight off the top of my mind as OP told me to do so. Don't think, just type.

Empty and disconnected.

I really am disconnected with everything. There is no more emotion I can show, no more fucks I can give. My life is a waste of time and resources. Nothing in this world is compatible with me and I'm pretty sure I'm not compatible with this world.

I joined SS since the reddit days and as time went on the only thing I found I had sort of a connection is with Sanctioned Suicide, but I now feel disconnected even with SS. I think I've come to a point where I exhausted my time in Sanctioned Suicide and now I have nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing left but to die. I am really just a waste of time.

What the fuck did I just say? I don't know. But whatever, considering I'll probably be dead in a month or so anyways hopefully.

 

[ReadyasEver]

Some many things wrong, I could go on for hours. I will simply miss that comforting touch from my wife when leans over and gives me a kiss goodnight and says I love you. Many people would say that would be great reason to continue the fight. But when your terminal, it gives me peace and comfort knowing to go out on a good note.

 

[Vegrau]

Floaty.

 

[Eren]

Depressed and alone

 

[Dead Meat]

COMPLETEY DOOMED...

 

[thatguyakira123]

Frustration.

 

[MsM3talGamer]

Nauseous

 

[Dead_Inside]

I am having a hard time. I hate myself. Want to be dead.
I keep thinking about my little dead cat. Her tail got puffy when she was dying - I know she was scared and that fucks me up....

 

[NotWorthLiving]

Empty, disassosiated, blank/foggy,
And I have a headache...

 

[lost illusions]

Nothing, maybe aggravated idk

 

[stargazer]

Sad. Angry. Weak. Tired. And very impatient.

 

[Rose Mirren]

I just finished watching a YT video that made angry/sad. It reminded me that I have NO allies.

I was about to delete my account. I feel like the majority of the members here wouldn't find me worth their time for one or two reasons so well beyond my control.

I can't speak for anyone else, but in my experience, people here listen. They don't judge. They understand the pain. It's completely your choice to delete your account or not, but if you need someone to talk to, PM me :)

 

[Rose Mirren]

I have picked a date.

Hey, congrats! Whether you go through with it or not, it still took courage to pick a date, and that's something to be proud of (sounds weird, I know, but to me it is!)