Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[Rose Mirren]

I wouldn't be too open to electroshock therapy either.

I think having people who do care does make it harder when we decide to ctb. I just see it as I'm a burden and a stressor to them, and my death (while sad) will give them some relief over time. I'm convinced that they will see later how better life is without having to worry about me or care for me (kind of like how an abuse victim sees the world as better when they escapes their abuser).

Or this is the thought process I like to hold on to.

I think the same way. I know they'll grieve, but that's just for a time, and then they'd move on with the rest of their lives. Me being alive for years however would mean they'd have to suffer for years as well, as I'm merely a burden to them. Still, I hesitate because I don't want to cause any more pain, and I know if I CTB, some of them would blame themselves and maybe live with that guilt. That's why I wish I could make my death appear "normal."

 

[Rose Mirren]

Mad about how I was stupid enough to stick with people who didn't truly care for me for decades.

I get this. When I decided to stop pretending, suddenly my "friends" started treating me differently. When I started doing things for myself, my boyfriend became "unsure" about our relationship. He recently told me, "I'm not as happy as before." Makes me wonder if they only liked/loved me when I was... I don't know... passive or something. When I didn't assert that I'm my own person. When I still fit into their standards.

 

[Fyrinne]

I get this. When I decided to stop pretending, suddenly my "friends" started treating me differently. When I started doing things for myself, my boyfriend became "unsure" about our relationship. He recently told me, "I'm not as happy as before." Makes me wonder if they only liked/loved me when I was... I don't know... passive or something. When I didn't assert that I'm my own person. When I still fit into their standards.

I mean... If you start acting like a different person, why is it weird that people would feel differently about you? It is what it is, you grow and move on.

Just means you have to find people who love you for who you are, not who you pretended to be.

 

[Rose Mirren]

Believe or not, feeling much better mentality. Let me explain, I'm going to die in 12-18 months whether I CTB or not. Nature has plotted that course already. This and reading all the stories does not make me sad, it makes me at ease with the common plight so many of us have. I still feel pretty good physically and will for another month or two, so now I prepare. For me, it's about going out on my own terms. But the mental roller coaster at times is no different for me than anyone else. Hopefully all of us can find that inner resolution to plot our course for CTB. I gain a little more strength each day in this manner, and some of it comes from the many shared experiences on this site.

Happy for you! I mean death is usually a sad thing for people but if it brings anyone peace, it's a good thing for me :) (also this is super fucked up but i'm a little jealous as well because nature provided u with a means of dying naturally huhu sorry it's a really weird thing to say but i'm really genuinely happy for u!!!)

 

[Jessicastripout]

Empty.

Just empty

Forced into adulthood far too young, unable to feel normal emotions, stuck in a disassociative identity that makes me experience nonstop mental hell.

I have nothing, I am nothing.

 

[Rose Mirren]

I mean... If you start acting like a different person, why is it weird that people would feel differently about you? It is what it is, you grow and move on.

Just means you have to find people who love you for who you are, not who you pretended to be.

I get this and I know I should feel that way but I can't help feeling... I don't even know how to describe it. Hurt, maybe? Sad? Sometimes, I catch myself blaming me. It's just that I've had a relationship with these people for years... and it's weird to have something established in your life suddenly crumble down. It all happened at the same time too, and with other things going on, it's just too much.

Also, I kinda don't want to form relationships with people anymore. Might end up the same way as my previous ones. Also, I don't want to burden anyone else.

 

[Pegasus]

I want to die so bad. There is nothing for me here.

 

[Sundayafternoon]

I can't speak for anyone else, but in my experience, people here listen. They don't judge. They understand the pain. It's completely your choice to delete your account or not, but if you need someone to talk to, PM me :)

Thank you.

 

[Sundayafternoon]

I am having a hard time. I hate myself. Want to be dead.
I keep thinking about my little dead cat. Her tail got puffy when she was dying - I know she was scared and that fucks me up....

I'm so sorry about your cat.
Who do you talk to when you miss your damn cat?
I miss mine so much. Take comfort in knowing they are so much better now.

 

[sólstafir]

Empty.

Just empty

Forced into adulthood far too young, unable to feel normal emotions, stuck in a disassociative identity that makes me experience nonstop mental hell.

I have nothing, I am nothing.

Same, exactly the same right now and every day at some point.
I don't know what to say.

 

[gnrluver0105]

Anxiety, angry, guilt

 

[thatguyakira123]

Disappointed.

 

[stubblejumper]

empty

 

[azucaramargo]

Frustrated. Hating my spare tire. Earlier today, I was helping my parents (with whom I live) go through the boxes after their first move, and I saw some pics of myself from high school, and I got depressed because I realized how naturally effing unattractive I am, and how much money and effort is required for me to look halfway decent. Those pictures of myself make me feel bad for myself and hate myself at the same time. In those pictures, I was at least thinner than I am now...with a more promising future. So effing depressing. I have been spending all week on a cover letter for a job lead I got. Trying to make it perfect because someone in the company encouraged me to apply (so, for once, it's not just an online application down the black hole). But, the longer I delay, the more the weaker my connection within the company becomes. Also, it is SOOOO difficult to sell yourself when you feel like crap. The longer I spend on it the more I psych myself out that I won't get the job.

 

[Dead_Inside]

I'm so sorry about your cat.
Who do you talk to when you miss your damn cat?
I miss mine so much. Take comfort in knowing they are so much better now.

Everyone say it's morbid and to stop or they get "that look" if I talk about it. She was "just a cat" after all...
I just feel it still. I miss my kitty a lot. She was black and white and sometime I see something white and kind of cat shaped and think it's her automatically before I remember she is dead.
When did you lose your kitty?

 

[Rose Mirren]

I fucking want to die right now I just do I'm so tired and I have no one absolutely no one left I don't want to hurt anyone and others have cut me off and I fucking messed up again I won't graduate again and I'm a failure again and i hate how i have all these illnesses and i hate how i was abused and I've been in this cycle for so long and I want out I want out of this bullshit life what's the use in suffering more for what... hope? to get better? something that's not even certain would happen? what if it doesn't happen? is it really worth it hoping for something that you're not sure of? is it worth the years of dragging out your life when you hate it when you're not really living when you're dead inside and for whom?? other people??? do you really have to suffer so other people won't experience grief when you kill yourself? but if you don't kill yourself, you'll make them suffer with you because they have to deal with you. damned if you do, damned if you don't. fuck this. i'm so tired i'm so tired i'm so tired

 

[Dead_Inside]

I fucking want to die right now I just do I'm so tired and I have no one absolutely no one left I don't want to hurt anyone and others have cut me off and I fucking messed up again I won't graduate again and I'm a failure again and i hate how i have all these illnesses and i hate how i was abused and I've been in this cycle for so long and I want out I want out of this bullshit life what's the use in suffering more for what... hope? to get better? something that's not even certain would happen? what if it doesn't happen? is it really worth it hoping for something that you're not sure of? is it worth the years of dragging out your life when you hate it when you're not really living when you're dead inside and for whom?? other people??? do you really have to suffer so other people won't experience grief when you kill yourself? but if you don't kill yourself, you'll make them suffer with you because they have to deal with you. damned if you do, damned if you don't. fuck this. i'm so tired i'm so tired i'm so tired

*Hug*
I am sorry. I know that's totally not helpful- but honestly, I really am sorry. Life is such shit. I hate hearing how bad it's been for everyone else. All I can say is that in my own tiny way I understand what you are saying.

 

[iHeartRockArt]

Everyone say it's morbid and to stop or they get "that look" if I talk about it. She was "just a cat" after all...
I just feel it still. I miss my kitty a lot. She was black and white and sometime I see something white and kind of cat shaped and think it's her automatically before I remember she is dead.
When did you lose your kitty?

Losing a pet is like losing your best friend. People make me so sick when they're insensitive to that. I've lost too many pets in my lifetime, and every time it takes a little piece of my heart. I am so very sorry for your loss, and if you or anyone else needs to talk about it, or a shoulder to cry on...don't hesitate to message me. Your feelings should be validated and they are very important.

 

[iHeartRockArt]

I fucking want to die right now I just do I'm so tired and I have no one absolutely no one left I don't want to hurt anyone and others have cut me off and I fucking messed up again I won't graduate again and I'm a failure again and i hate how i have all these illnesses and i hate how i was abused and I've been in this cycle for so long and I want out I want out of this bullshit life what's the use in suffering more for what... hope? to get better? something that's not even certain would happen? what if it doesn't happen? is it really worth it hoping for something that you're not sure of? is it worth the years of dragging out your life when you hate it when you're not really living when you're dead inside and for whom?? other people??? do you really have to suffer so other people won't experience grief when you kill yourself? but if you don't kill yourself, you'll make them suffer with you because they have to deal with you. damned if you do, damned if you don't. fuck this. i'm so tired i'm so tired i'm so tired

I'm so sorry Rose. Some people are just dealt a bad deck of cards, and I'll never understand why some of the nicest, most loving people have to suffer. It's not fair. You're not a failure, nor is it your fault that you're sick. Don't beat yourself up, be gentle with yourself. You deserve peace and happiness, I'm so sorry you're going through so much.

 

[Kyrok]

Defeated

 

[Dead_Inside]

Losing a pet is like losing your best friend. People make me so sick when they're insensitive to that. I've lost too many pets in my lifetime, and every time it takes a little piece of my heart. I am so very sorry for your loss, and if you or anyone else needs to talk about it, or a shoulder to cry on...don't hesitate to message me. Your feelings should be validated and they are very important.

You say that and it makes me cry immediately.
It's just that I rescued her from a very bad situation ... and I didn't want her to die like she did. I wanted life to give her something nice- I tired so hard. I just wanted her to be ok. But I couldn't do anything and she died so scared- it kills me.

 

[iHeartRockArt]

You say that and it makes me cry immediately.
It's just that I rescued her from a very bad situation ... and I didn't want her to die like she did. I wanted life to give her something nice- I tired so hard. I just wanted her to be ok. But I couldn't do anything and she died so scared- it kills me.

I'm sorry, I didn't want to make you cry. But all that matters is that you tried, and if there's anything after this life, she knows that. I know exactly what you mean and I know words don't really help much, but my heart goes out to you, I wish I could be more comfort. Just try to think she isn't suffering now. I'm so sorry.

 

[Sasha]

Fatigued.

 

[stargazer]

Feeling tired and annoyed. Barely optimistic.

Thinking whether I should just accept I won't be able to CTB before New Year's Eve, or the uncertainty about 'when' I'll be able to in 2019.

Not to mention, if ever. I'm also thinking whether methods like charcoal or the grills may eventually be clamped down on by authorities. Shame I can't stockpile the stuff and materials.

Then all I need is a partner who can host. Lol.

 

[Sundayafternoon]

sometime I see something white and kind of cat shaped and think it's her automatically before I remember she is dead.
When did you lose your kitty?

Omg. I'm so so so sorry.

I had my had 2. Mother and daughter. Cam was the mom, she was 15. I had her put down the day before my bd this year.

I still have her daughter and every so often, to this very day, i catch a quick glimpse of her and think it's Cam. And i get angry at my other cat. I just woke crying because I dreamt Cam was still alive. She was my favorite.

I spent most of my bd in tears. I told someone i wasn't in the mood to hang out because I'd just lost my best friend. His reply, "it wasn't your best friend, it was a cat" I hung up on that bastard.

My other cat and I are sending you huge virtual hugs.

Did your cat have any cute habits? Cam used to steal all of my hair ties.

 

[Sundayafternoon]

You say that and it makes me cry immediately.
It's just that I rescued her from a very bad situation ... and I didn't want her to die like she did. I wanted life to give her something nice- I tired so hard. I just wanted her to be ok. But I couldn't do anything and she died so scared- it kills me.

You were there for her when it was possible. Try not to be too hard on yourself.

 

[Dead_Inside]

I'm sorry, I didn't want to make you cry. But all that matters is that you tried, and if there's anything after this life, she knows that. I know exactly what you mean and I know words don't really help much, but my heart goes out to you, I wish I could be more comfort. Just try to think she isn't suffering now. I'm so sorry.

Thank you. You are awesome. ( I can't talk about her with out crying yet. )
I am happy she won't suffer any more.... it's hard and I miss her... but she was badly abused before I rescued her and she had massive anxiety and stress disorders - so I think people here can relate to her suffering in this life... she doesn't have to feel that anymore.

 

[Dead_Inside]

Omg. I'm so so so sorry.

I had my had 2. Mother and daughter. Cam was the mom, she was 15. I had her put down the day before my bd this year.

I still have her daughter and every so often, to this very day, i catch a quick glimpse of her and think it's Cam. And i get angry at my other cat. I just woke crying because I dreamt Cam was still alive. She was my favorite.

I spent most of my bd in tears. I told someone i wasn't in the mood to hang out because I'd just lost my best friend. His reply, "it wasn't your best friend, it was a cat" I hung up on that bastard.

My other cat and I are sending you huge virtual hugs.

Did your cat have any cute habits? Cam used to steal all of my hair ties.

Damn. I am so sorry.... I can't even imagine going through that. *hugs*
Yeah fuck that person - a pet/ an animal .... hell an object can become a serious member of your family and life. And I am sorry, but feelings- no matter what they are- are valid. You loved your kitty- a friend should know better : (
My cats name was Ryn. She was damaged psychology. The horrible people I stole her from (my friend at the time stole her from them really) kept her in a very small cage and had stopped feeding her they just liked to throw the cage in the air .... burn her ... she had to drink from a hamster water bottle....
I can't stomach that kind of shit.
She was 15 when she passed.
She had lots of little quirks : ) - she loved to take bottle caps or the little clear tops to hair spray ... she loves to take them to the tile and play kitty hockey with them. I save them for her to play with- saved sorry. FML.
What did cam do with the hair ties?

 

[iHeartRockArt]

View attachment 4473
Damn. I am so sorry.... I can't even imagine going through that. *hugs*
Yeah fuck that person - a pet/ an animal .... hell an object can become a serious member of your family and life. And I am sorry, but feelings- no matter what they are- are valid. You loved your kitty- a friend should know better : (
My cats name was Ryn. She was damaged psychology. The horrible people I stole her from (my friend at the time stole her from them really) kept her in a very small cage and had stopped feeding her they just liked to throw the cage in the air .... burn her ... she had to drink from a hamster water bottle....
I can't stomach that kind of shit.
She was 15 when she passed.
She had lots of little quirks : ) - she loved to take bottle caps or the little clear tops to hair spray ... she loves to take them to the tile and play kitty hockey with them. I save them for her to play with- saved sorry. FML.
What did cam do with the hair ties?

@Dead_Inside, You're such an amazing person for taking her in and giving her the love she deserved. At least she got to feel REAL love from a human before she left this earth. I have a kitty story I may share one of these days but it is painful too, so I know what you mean about not being able to talk about it without crying and being emotional. I don't want to make you more sad. But I do know she loved you and knows you loved her. Just keep her memory safely in your mind and in your heart. She will always be alive in your heart.

 

[AndyCurious]

Feeling lost, my mom may pass away soon, not sure when but still, and that makes me hate money more, since I can't afford to visit her anytime soon, and if she goes, I believe my dad will follow her soon after.. Life is unfair, especially when you live far away from family that may be gone soon..