Discussion What are you feeling right now? don't think. just type.

[GeorgeJL]

I'm hungry and my nerves are bothering me.

I feel empty. Like if you slice me open, you'll find nothing there. Just black emptiness. I go through life mechanically, and it's like every emotion I feel is fake. Like they're really just at the surface. Beneath, there's nothing. It's weird. I know what to feel but I don't feel it.

I'm hurting and because of that, I end up hurting others. I don't want to cause pain anymore. I don't want to feel pain anymore. I just want it all to end.

Sounds like you have depersonalization disorder.

 

[ArtsyDrawer]

I don't know.
"Solid" comes to mind, as in the state of matter.
It's like my veins and arteries are filled with freshly laid cement that's hardening.
Google says weekend is going to be rainy as fuck. I wonder if I feel it coming with my body, or whether my body is reacting to the update from Google

 

[Allegory1]

Hopelessness, frustrated, torn, trapped

 

[dysfunctional]

Massive regret. Disgust amd frustration with myself.

 

[Lonely Twin Angel]

I feel so sick of my life. I'm sick of what I do and I'm sick of the people I'm around. I'm sick of looking at the same stores on the same roads all the time. I'm tired every day. I'm so fucking young and I live like a 70 year old celibate indentured servant. I feel fucking trapped with people I hate in a situation that will never make me happy. And it sucks because it's not my fault. I work in a place that makes me miserable every day with other people who are just as miserable as I am. I do what I have to go get by and just keep telling myself that if I keep going it will get better and it doesnt. It would be worth it if I had something to come home to but I dont. I'm with someone that I'm not even roommates with really. We dont talk, we dont spend time together and we dont show any type of affection to each other. It sucks because it's not my fault. All I do is give. Not to mention there is so much distance between us and so many lies and so much anger that it seems like we aren't getting anywhere. I want so much and she's so content living in a selfish little bubble. I feel so fucking worthless and ridiculous and broken and it doesnt make it any better that she tells me as much almost every day too. I feel abused and I feel frustrated because I feel so obligated to stay. I'm sad because I feel so lost in the world. Like I know this isn't where I'm supposed to be but I have no fucking clue where to go from here. I used to have dreams but they feel so far away now like i cant even imagine what they were anymore. I used to see the world like one big motivational quote and I used to really believe them too and now I see them and think how stupid can you honestly be!? I'm tired of looking for the good. I'm tired of wishing for a silver lining. I'm tired of seeing happiness and prosperity and all the things that I want in life just walking around me and all I get is the emptiness of wondering what that feels like. I get to wonder why it cant be me. I get to wonder what I ever did that was so wrong that I have to he punished like this with extremely bad health, bad relationships and bad circumstances. Why do I keep trying to make it better? Why do I keep trying to smile and mean it when no one cares how I'm doing? Why do I keep doing this to myself when I know nothing will change? I want to run away. I want to leave everything and everyone behind and go somewhere new. I want to start over disconnected from every thing and every person I've ever known and I never want to be around them again. I think I deserve more than this. I dont think the universe will ever agree with me.

 

[BorderlineMistake]

I feel like I constantly fail. I cried to my mom on the phone tonight and then got a speeding ticket because I was upset, dumb & not paying attention. Even the smallest things remind me of my constant failures.

 

[Darkhole]

I feel like I am kidding myself when I think about my plan. Is this actually going to happen? I don't know. But it might be that ordering the sn and saving up for primperan is me just getting off on the IDEA of killing myself. I fear that I won't actually do it.

 

[406metallicblue]

strangely optimistic, due mainly to the alcohol and a seresta, like i won't have to think about killing myself for a change optimistic.

 

[throwaway777]

too sad life s suffering and i cant avoid this

 

[406metallicblue]

I feel like I am kidding myself when I think about my plan. Is this actually going to happen? I don't know. But it might be that ordering the sn and saving up for primperan is me just getting off on the IDEA of killing myself. I fear that I won't actually do it.

prevarication, i think most of us can relate to that

 

[vaulthunter]

confusion, sadness, numbness, emptiness

 

[WOODESITY]

Disappointed, angry...

 

[Pentobartbital]

The other day I had to check the gas pressure outside of the house. Snow's gone and that colder-than-a-witch's-tit chill has mostly subsided.

Looked at one of the beautiful pine trees in the backyard and thought of how it'd make for a place to end it. While pretty, in direct view of neighbours, a no-go.

Then went to the front of the house and saw all of those cracked and splintered trees knocked over from all the wind, some still bound together with petrified old parasitic vines. At the forefront of the barrier betwixt the grassy field and the wood, there was this porous canopy of more dead trees.

When I looked further down and to the side, at the wind-pressed weeds of an ugly brown and beige, I reminisced on how gorgeous the field was in summers past. I felt overcome with a unique peace, one that suggested that I shall once more be a part of it or at least a similarly wonderful place.

My ongoing suffering has at last overcome my fear of death. Am praying and wanting to keep my thoughts and deeds pure for what little time I've left.

 

[silentsinger]

Alone, anxious, scared, embarrassed and worthless.

 

[ShadowOfTheDay]

Like a dog without a bone.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

fear

 

[Taylor]

Incredibly lonely.

 

[Wolfjob_dayjob]

so angry it feels like my lower jaw and my teeth will eat my upper lip and then my face and my whole head, like i want to gouge at my eyes and then the eyes of others people are just FUCKING WITH ME ON PURPOSE AND GETTING IN MY WAY I dont have time for this bullshit I don't want to be here fuck grocery stores.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I cant believe 5 years ago I used to be happy. I cant believe all the shit that ruined up my life. Im just sick and tired of being sick and tired. This pain both mental and physical is too much. I just wish I could fade away with no trace that i ever existed. I miss who i was, who i should have been and the life i should have had. None of this should have happened to me. What the fuck did i ever do to deserve to be punished this greatly in life?! I hate life.

 

[Taylor]

I cant believe 5 years ago I used to be happy. I cant believe all the shit that ruined up my life. Im just sick and tired of being sick and tired. This pain both mental and physical is too much. I just wish I could fade away with no trace that i ever existed. I miss who i was, who i should have been and the life i should have had. None of this should have happened to me. What the fuck did i ever do to deserve to be punished this greatly in life?! I hate life.

Literally the exact spitting image of how I feel. 5 years ago for me as well. It's like I'm a completely different person from who I was, and am in just utter dismay about it.

 

[Christian]

Completely hopeless

 

[namelessX8]

I'm trying to get my damn MATLAB code to run without errors. Thinking about how to manipulate the variables in my code to get the desired output. Right now I'm feeling that programming is tedious af :(

 

[lost_soul83]

Rage.....I've become such an angry person. Everything aggravates me and sets me off, so inevitably I go off on my loved ones and cause damage. Plus, I'm SO SICK of feeling guilty for absolutely everything, even if I've done nothing wrong.....the guilt weighs a ton and is crushing the life out of me......and I feel absolute despair over the death of my brother.....half my soul died with him....now I just have to find the courage to reunite the two halves.

 

[CFLoser]

I hate this fuckin planet

 

[ithappens]

Pure hatred. I hate this world. I hate the people in it. I hate life and everything it entails. Every day my hatred just grows and grows like a rotting infection and I don't know how to stop it. Everything I experience these days brings me nothing but vitriol and anger; when I suffer it is because that is the base state of life and I hate it, and on the rare occasions I am not suffering either somebody comes along to screw me over out of nowhere and puts me in a position to start feeling agony all over again, OR I can't enjoy the peaceful moment because I know the feeling of contentedness will last 0.000000000000000000000000000000000000005 milliseconds whereas the pain in life seems to be endless.

 

[GeorgeJL]

Pure hatred. I hate this world. I hate the people in it. I hate life and everything it entails. Every day my hatred just grows and grows like a rotting infection and I don't know how to stop it. Everything I experience these days brings me nothing but vitriol and anger; when I suffer it is because that is the base state of life and I hate it, and on the rare occasions I am not suffering either somebody comes along to screw me over out of nowhere and puts me in a position to start feeling agony all over again, OR I can't enjoy the peaceful moment because I know the feeling of contentedness will last 0.000000000000000000000000000000000000005 milliseconds whereas the pain in life seems to be endless.

Sorry your suffering so much. It's important to know that you are not your emotions, as the meditative religions teach. You are consciousness, awareness. The more you identify with your emotions the more traped you become. Even positive emotions can trap people depending how they are grounded. So just keep that in mind and if you can meditate, or end it on your own terms. I wish you dignity either way, stay cool bro.

 

[ithappens]

Sorry your suffering so much. It's important to know that you are not your emotions, as the meditative religions teach. You are consciousness, awareness. The more you identify with your emotions the more traped you become. Even positive emotions can trap people depending how they are grounded. So just keep that in mind and if you can meditate, or end it on your own terms. I wish you dignity either way, stay cool bro.

Hey, thanks, I do appreciate the response. My solution will probably be to end it at some point, hopefully sooner rather than later and especially before my hatred grows to the level I'll hurt others.

Unfortunately, meditation doesn't seem to do much. My hatred isn't really a clearly defined emotion for me anymore, it honestly feels more like an instinct at this point so I have no idea where I'd begin in detangling whatever mess my wiring has become. See person/thing --> intense repulsion --> immediate urge to hurt/destroy it. Just much less thought process and more animalistic urge. And no amount of trying to meditate has been able to just shut that off or change it. IDK, maybe I'm doing it wrong.

Since you're here I'll assume it may be for similar reasons and also wish you luck in whatever path you choose.

 

[Worthless_nobody]

I never should have gone and looked at old photos. I used to have friends, I used to be loved, i liked the way i looked, my photography was great, so many people and pets who have passed away. The young woman full of life i was in those photos compaired to the broken failure of a human being i am now. I just want to go back in time and warn 18 year old me that in 9 years your life will be unimaginably bad. Im so full of anger and rage that my abusers get off free...yet I have to suffer. Why the fuck did i looK at those photos the happy memories hurt....

 

[silentsinger]

I never should have gone and looked at old photos. I used to have friends, I used to be loved, i liked the way i looked, my photography was great, so many people and pets who have passed away. The young woman full of life i was in those photos compaired to the broken failure of a human being i am now. I just want to go back in time and warn 18 year old me that in 9 years your life will be unimaginably bad. Im so full of anger and rage that my abusers get off free...yet I have to suffer. Why the fuck did i looK at those photos the happy memories hurt....

I'm really sorry that you are in such a bad place. I find nostalgia painful and when i look back on my past i often get very emotional.
I don't think you are a failure of a human being, you are being too hard on yourself. It sounds like you have been through an awful lot and that the people you refer to as getting off free are the real failures (and that is probably too kind a word for them). Much love.

 

[FTL.Wanderer]

Im so full of anger and rage that my abusers get off free...yet I have to suffer.

I'm honestly very sorry you were hurt, they got away, and now you're left suffering. Happened to me, too. Several times over. I feel like you. I can't get over the pain over the perception of grave injustice that was allowed to stand. I wish we could both believe in a force of cosmic justice.